[Loree the chinchilla and Chris the fox are once more sitting on their couch in the second floor lounge of Richter Hall.]
Loree: Welcome back to "We're Richter, Too!". We're so happy that you're continuing to watch us.
Chris: It makes a pleasant change to be able show our faces in public. Some of our fellow students even know our names now.
Loree: It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that someone finally appreciates us. Now my inside matches my outside. *giggle*
Chris: [cringing at Loree’s attempt at humor] Lets get on with today's show.
Loree: Right. Today we are showing "Resid-Ant Evil: Revisited". Thanks to the miracle of fan fiction and animation, you're going to see the timeless classic again, and from a new, Richter-2 perspective.
Chris: I still don't think they drew me right.
Loree: You look fine.
Chris: I look scrawny.
Loree: Whatever. Just see if David is ready. We're wasting air time.
[Chris walks over to the big screen TV at the side of the room. The camera pans to show a jackrabbit fiddling with the VCR and other miscellaneous equipment.]
Chris: Ready, Dave?
Dave: Eh, should work.
[Chris, Loree, and Dave pull up seats in front of the TV. The camera is looking over their shoulders at the screen. Loree and Dave are munching on a big bowl of popcorn. Chris is sipping a large soda.]
Loree: Roll the tape!
[Dave raises a remote and clicks it. The camera zooms in so that only the screen can be seen. The numbers 5 through 0 count down. Then the movie starts. Darryl is walking down the hall, checking things off on his clipboard. Elsa is walking beside him.]
Elsa: So when do you go on spring break?
Darryl: I don't get to leave until everyone else has.
Elsa: Who's still here?
Darryl: Let's see.... Dave's gone, Jenny and Loree went to
Elsa: Who's still here?
Darryl: [flips through his list] Just you, me, and Morrison.
Elsa: I'm leaving now. Vhat is Chris still doing here? His last class vas two days ago.
Darryl: I think he said something about a Bio project he needed to wrap up before leaving.
[Suddenly, there is a flurry of footsteps from up above coming from different directions. They echo through the hallway. Someone shouts "Look out!" There is a large crash where they meet above the heads of Darryl and Elsa]
Dani: [from above] Not the sodas!
Darryl: Phew, just sodas. I was afraid it was going to be something disastrous. Like acid or nitroglycerine.
FIZZZZZZZ
[A wave of soda pop bursts through the stairwell door and floods down the hall.]
Darryl and Elsa: AAAAAAAAHHH!!!
[The soda fills the hallway quickly. Darryl and Elsa can be seen floating in it. However it soon drains out the windows, leaving the pair lying and the ground, gasping for breath.]
Elsa: I think...I vould have....preferred... the acid.
[Then there’s a chorus of shouts from upstairs of "Shut up, Mike!" Darryl and Elsa stand up and look around. The walls and floor are coated with soda residue.]
Darryl: Are you any good with a mop?
Elsa: Ve should let those fools clean the hall.
Darryl: Agreed, but don't you think you should clean your room before you leave? The doors here haven't been proofed against soda flash floods.
[Elsa curses in German and walks back toward her room. Darryl heads for the supply closet]
Darryl: I bet Chris' project isn't nearly as bad as this.
[Cut to Chris in the basement of the biology department. He's wearing a labcoat as well as his usual hat and glasses. No headset though. He is going to various pieces of equipment and containers and checking things off on a list. Chris is drawn wrong. Its dark and thunder can be heard in the background.]
Chris: Hmph! I come here as a biochem student and I end up being a professor's flunky. Some undergrad research opportunity. Lets see, done with the centrifuges, drug trials were a bust, pesticides ineffective, but at least that sugar substitute was fine.
[He turns towards a half dozen boxes. The sides are bulging out. And moving.]
Chris: Well at least we can be certain that these ants will never go extinct now. Now there’s enough to repopulate an entire rainforest. Which is handy because that’s what I'm being paid to do with them.
[he chuckles to himself and taps a crate]
Chris: Those kooky eco-nuts said they would pay us for each hundred ants. We have over twenty million of the little buggers. Professor Williams said I would get a cut. It’s the one good thing to come out of this otherwise awful internship.
[He picks up one of the boxes and is surprised to see dozens of ants falling out. They had been escaping all day. The top of one of the boxes pops off and ants start streaming out]
Chris: What the..! Hey! Get back in there!
[The ants ignore him and head up the stairs. Chris grabs a lid and tries to force it back on the crate. Unfortunately for Chris the ten pounds of ants are able to throw him off easily. (ants can carry 50 times their own weight, don't you know)]
Chris: Bad ants! No more sugar substitute for you!
[The other crates open and the ants go marching on. Chris sits down on the ground and sulks, watching the ants go by]
Chris: Where the hell are they all going anyway? Where could there possibly be more nutrition in the area than in here with all this artificial sweetener?
[Eventually, in a few hours, all the ants depart. One last one can be seen crawling on the ground. Chris snatches it off the ground]
Chris: Well, at least at I got you, you little chitinous bas - YOUCH!
[Chris smashes the ant against the wall, then he slumps to the ground, even more dejected]
Chris: Nuts. Two hundred thousand bucks shot.
[Later that day, in Darryl’s room]
Elsa: Vhy are there twenty million army ants in here? Shouldn’t they be in a jungle somewhere?
Darryl: Why are you asking me? I don’t know anything about bugs.
[Darryl and Elsa are in Darryl’s room. Various models of bridges and buildings are laying about as well as the usual decorations and refuse found in a guy’s dorm room. Elsa is looking out the window, while Darryl sits at his desk with his head in his hands. They both look exhausted. The door has been sealed shut with duct tape.]
Elsa: [squinting] Hey isn’t that Chris down there?
[Yes, Chris is down there. He is pacing frantically outside the front entrance of Richter Hall. He does not seem to be in a happy mood.]
Elsa: [shouting] Chris! Are you all right?
Chris: Yeah, no thanks to these %*@$ing ants. I can’t even get to my room. I’ve been trying to lure these ants back in their boxes all night. Unfortunately, there is no way that any sweet I can get can compete with a sugar-coated dormitory, even if it is only half a dorm. How the hell did that happen anyway?!?
Darryl: Don’t ask. Can’t you just kill them?
Chris: Hell no. For one thing, they’re an endangered species. For another, they’re worth a fortune to me. And finally, THEY WOULD EAT ME ALIVE!!! Just let them finish off the sugar. They’ll go back to the lab when they’re done. Just stay away and don’t agitate them. They prefer sugar to meat. They’ll finish in another four hours I think.
Darryl: [sarcastic] Thanks for all the help.
Chris: No problem. By the way, is there anyone else in there besides you?
Darryl: Rick downstairs checked everyone out on the first floor yesterday. So it’s just us two and the entire third floor.
Chris: All those maniacs are still in there? Did their parents tell all of them to never return or something?
Darryl: You’d have to ask them.
Elsa: In any case, there is nothing ve can do now. Ve just need to vait a few hours and everything vill be fine.
Chris: Right. Just stay there.
[Hours pass. Chris has walked to the other side of the dorm and is sitting under a tree. He is talking on a cell phone.]
Chris: ….This is just a minor setback. The ants will return to their crates in a couple more hours. I made a nice big sugar trap for them….No, I don’t know why Richter Hall has turned into a giant piece of rock candy. Just be thankful they’re not terrorizing the city or anything like that….Yes, they’ll be fine…. Yes, I know how important these ants are to the ecosystem of the Amazon…. Yes, I know that selling them will finance the entire department for the next two semesters…..Will you stop crying? Everything will be fine…. Yes, I’ll be careful with them….Bye, professor.
[Chris closes his cell phone and notices a brightly colored rope of sheets coming out of one of the third story windows. Cindy and Mikey are climbing down it. They are carrying a pressurized gas tank and are wearing backpacks. Chris watches with interest as they climb down, smash the basement window and jump inside. I don’t feel like describing the whole scene. See the archives.]
Chris: What are they up to?
[Meanwhile, back in Darryl’s room, Elsa and Darryl are playing cards and listening to a battery powered radio]
Darryl: They gone yet?
[Elsa leans over and peers out the window]
Elsa: Nein. They’re still there.
Darryl: Shouldn’t be too long now.
[Darryl scoops up the cards and shuffles them]
Darryl: I hope there’s a building left after all this.
Elsa: I didn’t think ants ate bricks.
[Darryl deals out the cards]
Darryl: I was referring to the antics of the guys upstairs. With all those bangs, explosions and other things that have been going on up there, I fear the place will fall apart. Especially since now I can’t get out and patch things up like I usually do.
[Behind Darryl, the radiator starts to vibrate slightly]
Darryl: Did you just hear something? Sounded like tapping.
Elsa: It must have been the radio.
Darryl: Guess so.
[They pick up their cards and examine them]
Elsa: Do you have any twos?
[The valve on the radiator suddenly pops off.
Elsa: Eau no! That’s awful stuff.
[She sucks in a big breath of fresh air and quickly drags Darryl over to the window and shoves him out it. A pile of dead and dying ants breaks his fall. She leaps out after him. Chris is running up to them.]
Chris: What happened? Are you all right? What happened to the ants? AAAH!! They’re dead! They’re all dead!
[Cheering can be heard coming from the top of the dorm as Elsa tries to resuscitate Darryl. Cut to an hour later.]
Elsa: I think you’ll be okay Darryl.
[Elsa, Chris, and Darryl are sitting together on the sidewalk by Richter Hall. Darryl is breathing from a bottle of oxygen. Chris is holding his face in his hands and sobbing. Down the street there are a half dozen emergency vehicles as well as the KPET news van. Everyone is crowding around the CMers]
Chris: *sob* All those months of work, I bred those bugs from scratch. *sniff* Everything would have been okay in a couple more hours. Why?! Why!? [breaks down crying]
[Elsa puts a hand on Chris’ shoulder]
Elsa: There now. All that’s important is that ve are all okay.
Chris: But nobody cares if we’re all right. [blows his nose on a tissue]
[Dani, attracted by the noise, walks over to the tragic trio]
Dani: Are you all right?
[All three of them brighten up visibly at the query]
Elsa: Don’t worry, Dani. We’ll be all right.
[Dani peers at Elsa closely.]
Dani: Who are you? How do you know my name?
[Elsa bristles and looks like she’s about to give into her feline instincts and strike Dani. Chris starts sniffling.]
Darryl: Relax, Elsa. It’s unreasonable to expect her to remember everyone in the dorm.
[Dani looks confused and turns to Darryl]
Dani: Who are you?
Darryl: What? Don’t you know me? I’m Darryl.
[Dani stares at him blankly]
Darryl: [with a pleading tone] I’m the RA. On the second floor?
Dani: Second floor?
[Elsa and Darryl stare at Dani incredulously. Chris starts to cry again, even louder than before. End of tape.]
[Back in the lounge. Loree and Dave have tears in their eyes. Dave is wiping his nose, while Loree tries to comfort Chris, who is quietly weeping.]
Dave: It’s such a sad story. Dani just tore their hearts out.
Loree: It’s all in the past now, Chris.
Chris: They were worth so much money.
[He blows his nose with his hat]
Loree: But at least people do care about us now.
Chris: You really think so?
Loree: I bet some are watching us right now.
[Chris perks up considerably]
Dave: Yeah, we’re allowed to exist now. [turns to camera] If you enjoyed today’s show, tune in next week for the next exciting episode of “We’re Richter, Too!” Maybe I’ll have a bigger part next time.
Loree: Remember, this show is made possible only by scant funding from DeMontfort Public Broadcasting and loyal support from-
Chris: -viewers like you!