Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that
never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching
about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is
dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but
restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and
give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room
at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate
how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the
appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of
support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back
attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a
girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back
from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys
who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male
population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give
them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where
the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend
material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends [up until March 16, 2002 at least], for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and
when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two
sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought
her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and
she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best
killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in Grand Theft Auto 3 to rant about a rumor that
romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person
in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had
nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her
concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that
time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing
"serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew
nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying
each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just
friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body
for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.
The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more
disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should.
And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I
have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at
other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that
many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they
just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they
say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he
would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with
so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating
of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the
lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date
male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry,
guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out
why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!)
and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one
thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't
last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of
thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for
granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding
the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You
know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as
ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your
patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party
escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For
all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations
where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement,
and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and
your well deserved vindication is coming.