jan 6th 2003
wow i just seen a pic of wani,, its been awhile.. im doin good wani, im glad u got to go home fer xmas :) mum is getting excited to be a nanny. lol. i never thought this would happen to me, but ohh well..
my new years resolution this year was to let go of certian ppl, stop letting ppl hurt me, and others use me, i hope i can go thru with it..
im at werk, and the pressure on my bladder is crazy, i got a guy on hold n i need to gooooooo bad. grrrrrr .. i hate my job
ill up date later
my babies names - alexis tiffany diane and justin patrick alexander :)
Jan 10 03
do u ever wonder why we make the choices we made,, and ever feel like if things were different , that if u made a diff choice things would have worked better, the realized its impossiable to change what has been done or take back what has been done, because its called the past for a reason. I cry too often, i cry so much.. and some times to drown in those tears would make me feel so much better. I miss ppl. i miss me,, i miss everything that i was starting to accomplish.. I miss the old Rob, I miss My old Life.. I miss the way Shane used to be, I miss my old friends.. the ones i could actully call up and cry to.. I kno i have ppl who say they are there,, but i kno they are not. And i feel foolish and I feel stupid and i feel Lonely and i kno that i am really alone and its one man for himself. And i Kno im tired of being alone and im scared and im hurt and im crying out for some help.. I feel as if i am slowly losing everything , losing my mind , my friends, my loved ones. I wish i could tak eback the last 6 months of my life.. So id be back where things seemed so perfect.. where i was happy.. i was so in love.. there wasnt a care in the world.. I had a future, i had a life.. i was being 18 looking forward to being 19.. Maybe my life is over.. maybe it isnt.. but im more lost now then i have ever been in my entire life.. and i wish some one would hug me and mean it. or Tell me they love me and make sure i can belive them.. i wish ppl would stop lying and stop bullshitting and stop acting. I used to be so strong but im nothing but weakness, I wish i could run away and make everything dissappear.. Because half of my life dissappearded on me.. Half my friends and half my heart.. why cant i..... its lonely when your all by yourself, and its even worse when u kno things will never change.. no matter how much u wish u had made another choice. with a guy, with family with what u said or who u trusted, its now the past and the future is what u look forward too.. id rather remmeber the past then even think of the future, id rather smile then frown or laugh and not cry or just be plain happy like i used to be.. guess i better keep wishing eh.
jan 20 03
Here i am at werk,, updatingmy page so wani doesnthave a heart attack,, lol.. Nothin is really new over here..my mum is sharing the news to my grandparents tomorrow. lol. im hoping to stop a friend from being killed, and make sure my baby comes out healthy lol..Other then that i lead a boring life besides the once in a life time bowling nites and heading to the bars to look normal and see all the stupid ppl.. Phatty is here goin on like a knob that he is,, gawd love him but he need therapy. lol..
umm snow storms are icky and im copying all my poetry into a book for keepsakes. so thats neat to hold onto.
Jan 23rd
Well well well,, what news is goin on.. Umm.. im doing pretty good,, pains and stuff, its hard b/c no one else knows how it feels or understand lol.. it becomes fustrating..Im still emotional,, but then again i always was so whats new there? nothing really lol..Im here at werk a little early so i got some time to do some up dates on mah page,, lol.. Im really tired of alot of things and alot of ppl.. Some i just cant get outta my head the others i cant wait to get outta mah hair.. its very odd,, I can't wait for the baby to be born so my focus is fully on the baby and then my mind can't wander lol...so im hoping at least :) then me and mum and my baby will go to Nf and spend some time there.. I bought a stroller friday :) i was proud of myself,, its really nice and the name brand is known for being safe and good for kids and babies :) And Shanes dad is gone all happy with high Chairs and play pens lol. Its very cute,, altho he keeps calling me fat to bug me.. but its just humour lol.. eveyone says i dont like prego,, lol.. WHen Trish KT and I went to a party on sat, Francis saidi didnt even look prego,, they guys said i look good,, so thats a bonus,, lol.. Trevor and the crew thought it would be funny to get one of the guys in trouble with his physco GF so we started moaning his name .. lol. needless to say she hung up on him,, its was a laff.. Im making a point to party with the guys more often,, altho me and wussie were the only 2 who didnt drink it was still fun to go,, 3 girls and 10 -15 guys,, its quite funny to see.. plus it reminds me of home when it used to be me and a bunch of guys like cliff and dave and dave and brian and quentin and all that crew.. guys some times are more fun then girl lol.. i dunno.. Well i better Add this.. Oh and to anyone who signs the guestbook.. NO WHERE ON THIS PAGE DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO ABOUT A GIRL NAMED INNIS>> so please dont sign it saying add pix of her.. b/c it aint happening. Thank u
Peace Outtie
Jan 29th 2003
Im gonna be a Momma. i think thats the fist time that i really said that on here eh,, lol.. im actully in a better mood the last coupl eof days.. maybe its b/c of the fact that i have something to look forward too.. and its not about the baby its actully about me.. it might sound self centered but ever since i found out i was pregnant everything has been bout the baby and its health and preparing for her. Now this is something i can do fer myself,, a little treat,, i think i need one.. i just have to make sure that i dont just stay there,, so i better not bring any resumes out, b/c i kno i will end up staying if i got a job lol.. and wani wont kick me out lol..hahah So me and trish are planing this.. should be fun heheh gonna go up on teh 14th come home the 20th.. thats a good time a week. Gonna be at the Disturbed concert.. and meet em and everything :) Trish is excited for the trip and her Band and im Excited to do something for myself and see wani.. the Baby;s godmother lol.. whoopie.. it makes me happy YAY! So i think i wont go on prego leave until I come back from Toronto heeehee.. Yea Baby.. I wanna go to Hooters heheh just fer fun lol..Might bring the guys back some shirts if i feel up to it,, haha but i probably wont.. hahah just to be mean.. lol..
Werk sux and is stupid and boring, But i get maternity leave with pay fer 17 weeks then parental pay fer a year lol.. I keep having weird dreams about the sam ething really,, not concerning a baby but a person. and its weird,,i wake up feeling nervous or sick or thinking its real.. its odd, its over and over,, the same point of teh dream in each one. but diffent scenes and stuff happening.. i think i need therapy lol.. or im just goin crazy. Maybe crazy is the best thing for me lol.. then i have an excuse for my actions. Im applying for SSR here at my job,, Its pretty much what i was doing backshift, now im going fer the title and the pay raise lol..whoopie. lol.. i hope i get it.. if not oh well.. dont bother me,, at least they cant growl at me again fer not applying lol.. well i better head out now,, Well not head out of werk,, Just off this thingy here.TTYL,, and wani .... 46 days baby!! whoopie.. start saving,, i wanna kno what the clubs are like,, and i wanna go to EC like u said and MOD hehe yess we must do that ,, Trish and i are so hapy and excited.. yeehawww
Feb 3 o3
well, my DUe date is the 28th of july hehe,, just after i turn 20 lol. wowzers eh, umm things myway have been oddness, Ive been moody extremly lonely.. even if there are tonnes of ppl around,, its a strange feeling , not like it was b4 i was prego, but this time its more of a hurting stabbing lonely feeling,, as if it was something that im being punished with or that came back to me or something, ive grown the need to hate people. mainly for my own sake, im in so much pain that i cant stand anyone else getting the chance to hurt me. ALtho all these people are around me and try o comfort me and say and do such nice sweet things,, im still unhappy. I kno i made the right choice,, bc i kno i wouldnt have been able to go through anyother choice. and since i didnt, i lost something, but if id lose something over this then maybe it wasnt ment to be. and maybe it will kill me and hurt me and punish me and make me crumble and lay paralized.. just for the moment until i get that strenght and the light and the ability to stand up and walk and move and breath on my own and for another life then maybe things would be as they are suppose to be. Actully i kno they will be,, none has been able to keep me down. no one has been able to make me suffer this way. no one has the right to make me pay for something that i dont desurve. Some day i will be happy. Some day ill smile rainbows.. Same day ill be who i was before.. Until then,, ive got some storms and cloud and some fake people to get through first
Feb 6th 2003
well now its so funny to sit there and watch the news these days. My grandmother sent me and emailing saying that according to some moron in the states that a war might be breaking out with that other moron over sea's. Arent u people ashamed to admit that we are part of race where all we worry about is looks, Power and Money. Why arent we content wiith love and happiness and Family and ourselfs? WHy are we so greedy and needy and pathetic. When will we realize that what we are doing is nothing but destroying ourselves?! Through out all this Bullshit. yes bullshit that is what i call it, i prefer to only turn the TV on to watch American Idol. That 70's Show and maybe some music video's or the life network to watch baby stories. Id rather read a book then watch the news. Hell i think i might even go fer a swim in Feb then pay any attition to that Crap. You people are stupid. You people aren't caring about anyone but your selfs. You people.. as i will say it .. you people not u smart individulas who know what u are doing b/c u went to Yale and your oh so great now b/c u can wear a suit to werk and do nothing but cause an annoyance to the rest of us, Because it's You people who refuse to step back a moment and realize just what yer screwing up here.. I find it funny, When my neighbours got in an arguement or anything like that when i was younger and i could hear them screaming, and id ask my parents about it.. or if i seen someone in another family get to do things i couldnt ,, you kno what they would say,, they would say,, Its none of your business or.. their family does things their way and we do things Our way.. Well guess what, Iraq does stuff their way and Kuiate and al the other countries that we dont fully understand becuase frankly we dont care about their way of life. But for some reason The US have to think that they are God and have to solve every problem when all they do is fuck things up and make it worse every time some one down there opens their big fat mouths. For once whydont u shut the hell up and let other countries with their own rulers and leaders and policies and admentments and what ever the hell they got over there to enable them to have their country to them selves with their own ways, Deal with it on their own. No one needs to get involved. When there are bullies in the play ground picking on the nerdy small kid.. sure we;d all like to think we'd go stand up to the bullies, but guess what.. we wouldnt.. why wouldnt we.. because when we were 10 we were obviously alot smarter then what we are today b/c back then we knew that if we did get involved our ass would be kicked also, and the kid didnt tattle either b/c he knew the beating would be worse next time. so we all ignored it and it went away or the kid got sick of it and fought back. Well use that as advice and let the bully get bored and not have his ego fed and have the kid stand up fer themselves for once. Jesus, i wish we never evolved from Apes..
Feb 12th 03
Guess what. I got a call last nite from someone i never heard from since i left gander years ago lol. Cliff... It was so Awesome to hear from him. Me him Wani Quentin and Leeann and Crystal used to hang out on the base all the time and stuff.. Quinten and Lee are in Halifax tho,, a few hours from me.. I got Cliff's number so ill hav eto give him a call some time.It was soo awesome hearing from him. We talked for about an hour,, but i had to go and get some sleep for werk today,, Blah... Too bad he didnt live in Ont then i can visit him too when i seen wani. i guess the next trip i make wil now be out to Vancuver Island :) Whoopie wani will have to come with me.. we'll party with military boys lol.. Cliff said he might be goin to hali fer a visit in the summer if he does im planning a road trip down to see him and to party hardy hehe.
Shane is spammin me with Jokes in my email. Sarah;s Sisiter had a baby Boy named Evan James.. A little boyfriend for my baby girl ;) me and trish are doin the finializations on our ticket buying to Fly away hehe WHoopie..And makin plans fer Friday hehe
I moved my spot at werk.. and its sooo cold where i am now.. i need some heat .. my baby and i are gonna freeze.. My weird dreams arent so bad anymore.. they are more calmer not so frequent, makes me feel a bit better with whats goin on with my life. Ill miss everything i had b4 this baby came along, but ill have a great life with her, and she'll have a great life also :) Because the people who matter the most and love me for every peice of me are still here helping me supporting me and still lovin me, and thats all me and my baby need :)
Feb 25th
so soon b4 i go to Toronto and see Wani. i cannot wait.. alot has been on my mind lately,, what else is new eh,, just how i treat people and how people treat me and how others treat others, i dont kno, i like to think that i am well liked by just being myself,, altho i am snotty and perhaps need my mouth washed out from time to time. But in general i've been noticing how other people are including in things i am not. The people i get along best with happen to be people odler then my self and not people my own age, Maybe thats because people my own age tend to copy and annoy, but yet there is a taste of bitterness because the people i have most in common with are not my friends yet my enimies. Perhaps thats whats goin on in the world in General. the People u have nothing in common with are your best friends.. the old saying oppisites attract, yet the people we are going to war with in the end we tend to agree with what they are fighting for. Yet we disagree because it is the "correct" thing to do.. I wonder what would happen if there was no correct thing to do.. Maybe those people i dont get along with will end up being my best friends. maybe i wont be feeling so alone and an outcast,, perhaps maybe there might be world peace.. But hey who am i kidding.. no one actully has the brains to fall outta the cookie cutter in fear that they will become scraps that are thrown away and forgotten.. but maybe think that the little amount of time taht u make an impact in,, the longer it will last.
March 10 2003
Hey.. a few more days And i will be in Toronto with Trish and Mah Wani.. hehe yuppy!! its been so long since i seen her.. I MISSED U.. so if u notice that we arent updating while i am there its b/c we are too busy and enjoying the time we have together.. I havent seen pernell in soo long.. hey wani remember when i used to have a huge crush on him, haha me and crys hahaha.. ohh back in the day 16 and crushing on older guys lol
EVerything with my pregnancy is fine.. Im healthy.. Gained 7 lbs in 1 month.. i now weigh 152 lbs eek.. lol. doc said im all baby.. A few times in had anxiety attacks but he said just keep an eye on them and i should be fine.. The baby is healthy,, Heart beat is 140.. im kinda leaning towards a boy now.. Justin Patrick Alexander.. and what name togo by, hurmm.. who knows.. lol.. but as long as its healthy and has artist skills we'll be all set lol.. Wani is the God Mother.. i think she's happy about that.. i kno i am..Mum is planing a baby shower for may :) yay! I feel sorry for all the people who kinda blew me off b/c i got prego.. they wont be able to be in my baby's life hehe.. thats ok.. my baby is too good fer them anyways :)
im done fer now
ill have ultra sound pix up soon :)
Tasha
april 10th 03
Well i had an Ultrasound today, Wow my little plasma grew. my mom shane and his mom were there tosee it.. it was nice.. lol. heart beat an darm moving andlegs goin and a little nose. Shanes so happy.. Wani hasnt been online much lately >:/.. So mainly ive been talking to Josh.Umm what else.. im pretty boring,, the movie Dreamcatchers wasnt that great.. blah.. friday we go see Anger Management. It bothers me that i cant have a normal life.. like do things otherthen movies and such,, but with a small blatter and big belly that likes to kick,, yer narrowed down to little things u can do.. But i guess its what i signed up for,, and it has just begun!Wow that was a nice kick there.. i think i shouldnt have at so many candies lol.. shes gonna be up all nite lol.. Shanes gonna fix my scanner so i can get some pix up here b4 this page become so boring that no one visits.. lol.. I better go.. b4 i die!
April 30 03
I hate this. i hate it all. Im tired of being asked how i am feeling, or how im dealing, or if i am excited. Im sick of it all. If i could go back 7 months ago i woulda,, or if i coulda changed my mind 5 months ago.. i probably shoulda.. i dont like this,i dont enjoy this . I dont like the nagging the constant naggin and bitching. Im sore, Im tired i can't help that. Im wore out im unconfortable and cranky. It comes with the package,, i can't help that but for heaven sake don't make it worse. I wanna go to sleep and wake up and not be me.. not be prego.. not be where i am.. but i dont have a fucking genie to make a wish on.
a huge part of my life is goin away.perhaps that part was away for awhile now.. but this time it's different. And i can't stop crying. and i hate that part of my life and i love it at the same time. I wanna be 19 and happy not 19 turning 30 married with kids. this isnt my life. this isnt what i asked for. Im tired of being sick. I dont want this no more.
May 16th 03
I'd run to u if i knew that u would be there waiting for me with arms wide open, and id stop crying these tears if i knew that u would love me forever, All those promises that you broke have torn me apart and one of these days a new love will start.. Ive given up hope and look forward to better days. Im making my way through the smoke and dust to find something ive always lust. Perhaps if you knew how things would have been, You would have made better choices , But now your lose has me in knots and my face has burned leaving scares that cannot be healed. The fire u caused left nothing behind, except me.
only 2 more month to go and i will no longer be prego lol.. time to start a new leaf and a new life. Im prepared to do what i have to. Im making myself over again.. it will just take some time.. when i am able to do it,, right now it's kinda hard.. so letting the hair grow, planing on new tatts and stuff is a start.. i will show who broke my heart what he lost and i will forever be loved by someone who desurves my love back. I will surcomb all that has been pushed my way and i will conquor all.. so my message to you.. FUCK YOU!
my bitter taste and sour lips have left u in discust. but then again we are all human and one day u will realize u are too.. i think.... fuck you and your untouchable face, fuck you for existing in the first place
june 15th 03
another one bites the dust. im 34 weeks prego. i think my baby hates me..all the kickin and such. im getting scared now, i want a healthy baby so bad.i woulda forgot my bday comin up if it wrent fer shane reminding me.. and jill's is this monthshes an old bag now lol.not too much goin on with me. i live a dull life of take out and movies lol.. we're stillwerkin on the babys room lol..bits at a time. everyone says how good i look. healthy and all belly. so thats a good thing. idont wanna get fat.i'll be celebratin my bday after the baby is born i think.it would make more sence so i can have a nite out to party fer turning 20. its comin up real soon.. shocker eh. i dont have much to say. the baby is fine, comin soon tho, im fine, justtired n sore and scared. but who wouldnt be with a baby comin out of yer birdie!!!!!! later
JUne 22 03
Not much longer and i will have this baby outta me.. Mah bday is creeping up pretty close. whoopie hehe.i was just goin thru some of the links we have.. i forgot about sarah's page lol..
Things are never easy my way. I wanna take back time. Ill love my baby, i do now. BUt i wish it never happened. I wanna go back to that summer after NF and erase the last 2 years, this year hasnt been fun and teh year before that led to the breaking of my heart, id rather skip it all. Id move away join a cult or what ever,, but to fuck off would be great.Ive learned hating is easier then loving and doesnt take as much effort, and doenst hurt.
i cants sleep anymore. i get sore or my head is so full of crap that it explodes. not to mention the constant pissin every hour. my head hurts and my theighs, I painted the baby's room, a light mint green and a pale eggshell yellow, winnie da pooh boarder, yay,, me and mom will get everything in there today, the baby's dresser and crib and all of his/her stuff. Nothin exciting happens around here.. i seen the Italian Job, ill review that later. Im not in the mood right now. I hope the world blows up.
Tasha
July 1st
Well im over 36 weeks now, just waiting fer mah water to break. SOme good things have been happening. I go t a phone call that ment alot to me. Makes things easier and less stresful and gave me some peice of mind. I feel better, whole, kinda like that empty feeling is not filled with the answers i was lookin for from the voice i needed to hear it from. Thank You.
Im here with a stupid movie playin,, gangs of new york. Im not happy, it was suppose to be my movie to come on, but noooooooooooo its this stupid movie,, ick. im gonna barf.
i cant wait to go to NF for a few weeks, even if its just fer 2, Itll be an experience for the baby, even tho she wont remember anything at all. but still ill have it all on video lol, Plus god momma wani will get to see her and her grandparents gilley and joanie too.. hehe.. and she has a half uncle kurt too.. she has to meet the whole family lol.. well i better go and do something b4 i blow my head off.. Later
Tasha 36 weeks and 3 days
July 8th 03
im now 20, but we'll pretend 19 lol again.. it was an ok day,, didnt feel like a birthday,, the ppl who cared called and i got my icecream cake,, so i was happy, today i got mah bday card from wani in the mail lol.. some ppl that i expected to call didnt. oh well.. doesnt really matter now does it? Cant be too worried about that now can we?!
the baby hasnt been movin today.. very still in there.. bad cramps and still pressure a little under my ribs and pains under my belly button,, i had teh feelin of pressure on my hips,, and now when i walk my right leg goes all numby feely.. i guess its normal b/c they never locked me up in a room yet lol.. We have pretty much everything finished.. thr room, we got another stroller from Jil.. this one lays down, the one i had didnt lay all the way back.. The other nite i had a dream and i seen the baby;s face and everything . it was a little girl.. but if i have a boy ill love him almost as much ehhehe..he'll end up being a mommas boy.. but i wnated to make caelum or robin a little girl friend hehe..
after the baby comes ill be goin to NF for about 2 weeks.. a month after the baby is born that is, need time with mommy and daddy b4 mommy takes her away on her first trip.. hehe im hoping wani will be able to come over with my dad and joanie to help me on the boat and she will be able to meet shane so she knows who he is from besides chatting with him. Shes been so excited about the baby that shes drivin everyone on messanger nuts lol.. shane calls her the mad messanger lol.. suits her.. im just used to it thats all doesnt get me by surprise..
but i should be leavin this now,, thought i would up date on whats goin on and such, as u can see its not too much lol.. Im outs..
Tasha 37 weeks and 3 days
July 30
welll this baby is over due now and i am not pleased at all. Im tired and the heat makes me cranky. All i want is it out, Nothing we bribe the baby with werks. we went to the firewerks, no baby, but i almost flipped on some sluts.. have i ever told u i hate kids.. blah.. i bribed the baby with ice cream and shopping and anything else it wanted.. but nooooooooooo, gotta stay in there a bit longer eh.. spawn of satan the little bugger.
i really like the song Where is the Love by the black eyed peas. its great i think. makes ya wanna sing along hehe.. I added some buckcherry lyrics to the lyrics page.. well. they arent posted up yet,, but give me a day or two to get wani to do it lol. hahaha
nothin exciting happening around here..just waitin to get this baby out, go to NF fer 2 weeks to get outta here and see everyone back home. just to clear my mind. Rob is in Quebec doing his basic training, I havent heard from him yet so i dunno if he's still alive er wha lol..hopefully they didnt kill him out there. He's so little!!!
I think this heat is making me meaner then ever, everything and everyone piss me off. even if they are talkin to me outta concern or to see how i am doin.. its drivin me nuts,, its ok when KT and Jill call me ( the only 2 friends here in NS that actully take 2 mins of their day to call and see how i am feeling) b/c it's only fer a min just o see whats new or if ther is any news. its very sweet i love them for it. Robin... jill's son had the chicken pox and she wasnt allowed to be near me in case she had it on her body, it woulda made me sick and the bay sicker if it passed on thru. So yesterday was the first day i actully seen her in over a week.. robin i still can't see. but soon batman, very soon.. Yesterday i got 4 cd's for 20$, we ate at joe's wherhouse,, ohhhhhh food there is soo awesome MMmmmmmmMMmmmm, and went to Mary Janes to check out some body jewelary.. they didnt have the plugs jill was lookin fer, then we headed home after payin our cell phone bills... and thats my week pretty much..
if naythin new happens and i get some time ill be backon,, till then.. NO BABY ROWR