Sometimes I need to bitch. And sometimes, writing in the "LizPig's Life" section just isn't enough. So, I created this section. BAM! It's useless! It's revolutionary! It's random bitching at its best!
RANT #1: Nes
It was a bad day the day I heard the word "nes", or whatever the hell it is because it certainly isn't a word. "Nes" is a combination of "yes" and "no". It is commonly used by stupid, immature males who can't make up their own minds; unfortunately there are many of these in the world. Through my years of experience with males (there is no double-meaning to this)I have discovered stupidity and the inability to make decisions walk hand in hand. Take John Colley for instance: His stupidity is superiorly shown when he walks down the halls of FA. Not only does he walk up to random people and suddenly exclaim, "Anal sex!", he's the one who started this rant. His inability to make decisions and his stupidity led him to answer a "yes, no" question with "nes". I think this is why I can't stand guys; I finally understand why lesbians are so content now. They don't need/want guys. They can walk in wearing a baggy sweatshirt and not care what they think because they have no interest in them! I always wondered why males had to be invented; they really have no purpose except making an ass-groove on the couch and "spreading their seeds". Speaking of ass-grooves, I always wondered how long it takes to make one. Is the secret of success in the length of time or the weight of the person? I wonder if gender has anything to do with this. If it does, men must make better ass-grooves because they are constantly eating and are always on the couch. If you are wondering why I am so bitter towards men, my answer is this: I'm not. I love guys, but why do they have to be so irritating? Is it in the genes? If you're male, do you have the "piss people off" gene automatically? If so, can it be made into a pill? Everything can be fixed with a pill nowadays. "No hair? No problem! Take 'Everlong', the revolutionary new product that actually re-grows your missing hair!" And why is everything "revolutionary"? I see nothing revolutionary about a machine that has elastic bands for weights. I can make that myself; a little wood, some glue here and there, and some elastic bands. BAM! It's useless! It's revolutionary! You know what else is condsidered revolutionary? Candy bars. They start off with a big bar that costs $.25, then they make it smaller and it still costs $.25, then they put out the original bar for $.30 and play it off that "you now get more for less" when you really don't. I don't understand that. I wonder if the "less for more" theory will work for homework. The question is "Who is Napoleon?" and you answer "That short guy who ruled France and most of Europe in the 17-hundreds". Your teacher asks "What is this?" and you say "I have been studying advertising and I figured the 'more for less' scheme should be used for something more than that. Is that OK?" and your teacher finally responds "Nes".
Rant #2: Bottle Caps
I find myself to be a very interesting person. I don't ask "normal" questions, but, of course, normal is the direct opposite of me. People ask, "Who is Napoleon?" and I ask, "What is Napoleone's shoe size?" No real reason for it, I just want to be different. I must say I am quite successful at this. Yesterday, while opening a bottle of Coca-ColaŠ I noticed that there was another one of those contests you never win with the prize listed under the bottle cap. Well, being the idiot that I am, I look to see if I won anything. I look under the cap and see garbled black writing through a small plastic disc. I wondered, "What the hell is this doing here?" It obviously had no purpose except to piss people off. So I ripped out the Son-of-a-bitch and read the cap. I lost. Damn disc. I forgot all about it and watched T.V. soon after that. T.V. is my friend. My mute button included, infomercial-packed friend, but a friend nevertheless. Speaking of infomercials, I was watching T.V. when I saw another new product being sold. Yes, it's useless! It's revolutionary! Anyways, it was a "revolutionary" new thingamabob that cooks eggs in the microwave, perfectly of course, and if you chake it you get scrambled eggs. Woohoo. I couldn't be more excited if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet. Hey, that thingy is plastic. I wonder if they melted those discs for it. Now I understand everything. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night thinking of the weirdest things, like, "I wonder if Drew says something really dumb, Mr. Conzett will actually cry." Or, "Ping-Pong is fun. Let's kill Dr. Bradley so we can shrunk her head for a ping-pong ball. I could sell it on E-Bay!" What is up with E-bay? I could sell cow shit online claiming Abraham Lincoln stepped in it and some dolt will buy it two minutes after it's available. I mean, really, E-Bay is just a corral for total dipshits. This is why computers sucks. They attrack stupid people because they think they look smart because they know how to use one. People are stupid like that. The really stupid people are the ones who made this stupid "Microsoft Word" program. It is constantly correcting correct things and replacing it with the dumbest shit. Check this out: my pig is Mr. Cold on my shoulder yester-pig shit fuck crap yes. It had green squiggly lines under it. When I see what they suggest, there are no suggestions. What a dumbass program. It doesn't recognize "dumbass". WHAT'S WRONG MR. GATEWAY COMPUTER? DON'T RECOGNIZE YOURSELF? STOP CORRECTING ME, YOU DOLT! STOP STOP STOP! I SAID STOP! NO BAD! BAD BAD! NO SOUP FOR YOU! Computers suck.