Blast from the, uh, past 2.
(Cut to newspaper headline:AREA TEENS PERISH. Beavis and Butthead's faces are showing. INVESTIGATION BEGINS TODAY.)
(Cut to lawndale high school. The police have a tall guy with short brown hair in military fatigues up against the wall. DeMartino is watching.)
Kid:F@ck man this sucks!
Cop:Where were you last night?
Kid:I didn't do NUTHANG MAN!
DeMartino:JAMES they aren't kidding now tell THEM what they need to know.
James:I had a hot date okay..
Cop:Hes lying. Break out the cuffs.
James:Okay I had a date..
Cop:(gruff)Then where were you son?
DeMartino:SON if don't tell them they'll give you RODNEY KING TREATMENT.
James:I was at Upchuck's house crusin' the internet...
Cop:And what were you looking for on the internet? The ANARCHIST COOKBOOK?
James:Hey don't I have the right to silence here?
Cop:Break out the teargas...
James:(afraid):Okay dude we were working on his web page now let me go!
Cop(to other cop):Jones put em' in the car.
Jones:Right away sargeant.
James:WHAT?!
Cop: We've finally found some dirt on your punkass!(Cracks knuckles)This is gonna be SWEET.
(James is led off yelling profanity)James:I got two words: JOHNNY COCHRANE!
(Cut to Jane's house. Daria and Jane are in Jane's room. Jane is painting a picture of the two fartknockers getting skinned by Barch)
Daria:I can't believe they died.
Jane:They should have at least made it to their eighteenith birthdays.(goes back to painting pictures)
Daria:Why is it that everyone I hate dies?
Jane:I guess its your special gift Daria.
(Trent walks in)
Trent:hey Daria.
Daria:Hi trent.
Trent:Its weird, those two guys, freak accident.
Jane:Trent your thinking of Tommy Sherman.
Daria:Beavis and Butthead were murdered Trent.
Trent:Whoa, who'd want to do a thing like that?
Daria(to herself):Oh gawd.
(Knocking at the door)
Daria:Whos that?
Trent:Oh no not the repo guys again..
Jane:Relax its probably just mom.
(they go downstairs. They open the door to reveal the two cops who arrested James. One is a short strong black cop called Martin. The other is a tall white cop called Jones.)
Martin:Officers Martin and Jones.(Flash badges)
Trent(panicked):Look dude okay I repaid the bookstore...
Daria:Bookstore?
Jane:Why are you here?
Jones:We have reason to believe you killed Beavis and Butthead.
Daria:What?!
Martin:You were seen running away from the scence of the crime right after they were murdered.
Trent:It was the one armed man.
Jones:Don't give us any of that. Get in the car.
(Cut to Upchuck. His room is completely torn apart and he is looking suicidal.)
Upchuck:(Stares at knife)I must cleanese myself of this dishonorable defeat.
Upchuck:(to self):Do it! Do it!
(Upchuck brings the knife to his throat. He prepares to slit it)
Upchuck(to self):No! You must live for the ladies!
(Upchuck hesiatates. Then sets the blade on the floor. Close up to his face. He looks homidical.)Upchuck(Grimly):So let it be written so it done. Rrrrrowwwwwwwllllllll!!!
(Now you can only see Upchucks shadow as he loads his dad's shotgun.)
(Cut to Lawndale hospital. Beavis and butthead are on Lifesupport.)
Martin:Beavis and Butthead. Who shot you?
Butthead:Uh, like I don't remember
Beavis:I wasn't shot. Like this hot chick didn't want to do it with me so like she kicked my ass. That was cool!
(Martin shakes his shake and lets out a groan of disapproval.)
(Butthead's eyes suddenly widen and a lightbulb goes off in his head.)Butthead:Whoa! Hey Beavis I just thought of something. If we like like sued the dude and chick who did this. We'd get like a hundred dollars!
Beavis:Yeah, yeah, YEAH! That could buy alot of nachos heh heh heh! And like chicks would wanna score with us!
Butthead:Yeah. So like we demand justice or something.
Jones:Then I know just the man. He chased down the ambulance while you were being driven here. Come in Mister Hutz.
(Lionel Hutz-from the Simpsons-enters)Hutz:Lionel Hutz! Attorney at law I've attended every Law school in the country! I've represented the Flat Earthers, the Deformed Church of Catan the South Canadian Nazis and Richard Nixon! I'd like to take your case!
Butthead:Cool. Represent huh huh huh. But like uh dude how much of the hundred dollars do we get?
Beavis:Yeah like you can't like like uh trick us with your lawyer stuff dude so like don't try. M heh heh heh. Were like an inferior intelligence.
(Beavis and Butthead laugh)
Hutz:(nervous):Well for um a case this complex I've had to assemble a crack team of lawyers. Come on in guys.(He introduces them)Johnny Cochrane.
Cochrane:Hey
Hutz:Kennith Starr!
Starr:We have reason to believe the constitution has been threatened by this Daria girl. There is no ACTUAL evidence of her wrongdoing, but we thats because we believe a MASSIVE COVERUP has taken place! I promise to write a blistering tell all novel as soon as the facts develope!
Butthead:Uh, so like how much money do we get?
Hutz:(Nervously)Oh about ten dollars...
Beavis:Cool!
Butthead:Yeah. This dude rocks.
Hutz:Glad your happy! See you in court tomarrow.
(Cut to jail cell. Daria, Jane and Trent are in the cell. Jane is drawing on the walls.)
Jane:And I didn't think we'd be in jail until after our first high school reunion.
Daria:Or until Kevin graduates college.
Jane:So like when the sun explodes.
Trent:Whos Kevin?
Daria:He likes to smash things with his head.
Jane:Beyond that not much is known.
Guard:No talking!
Daria:What are you gonna do? Put us in jail?
Jane:And can't you only arrest someone if theirs a good reason.
Guard:(Angry):God-dammit! Don't try to confuse me with legal mumbo jumbo or I'll have you shot.
Trent:Cruel and unsual punishment!
Guard:(Face redding):God-dammit! Your just as bad as that James punk!
Daria:Whos James?
Guard:What is this ask the guard 20 questions?!
Jane:No thats on after 30/30
Guard:Argghhhh!!!!(Pulls gun. Is growling and poised to shoot them when Martin and Jones run in the room.)
Martin:Drop the gun DeMartino!
Guard:Dammit! This sucks I wanna shoot things!(Lowers gun)
Daria:DeMartino?
Jones:This is his brother Steven DeMartino. Hes been mad ever since the Postal Service laid him off.
Jane:I guess it runs in the family.
Martin:Hey whats that?
(Cut to outside of Lawndale Jail. A crowd of protesters including the Mystick Spiral,Quinn, Ted Dewitt-Clinton, Sick Sad World and Brutal Mercanary magazine has gathered.)
Jesse:Free Trent! We need to vote on a new name!
Camera man:Transvestite Drag Queen Werewolf Murderers next on Sick Sad World!
Quinn:Lock up my cousin!
Mercenaries:Free James! Free James!
Jesse:(Flash of realization) Oh yeah Trent owes me a shirt...lock that bastard up!
Ted:Hey want some gum?
Jesse:Cool.
(Cut to courtroom next day. Everyone but the two fartknockers is gathered there.)
Hutz:I intend to prove that Beavis and Butthead were murdered by Daria and Jane. Miss Daria and Jane rise.
Judge:Your supposed to adress them by their last names you idiot.
Hutz:Whatever.
(Daria and Jane rise for questioning.)
Hutz:Where were you on the night of May 16th?
Daria:That was over a month ago.
Starr:I knew it! Shes covering up the truth by protending to forget it.
Jane:Shouldn't you be bugging Clinton?
Starr:Clinton?! What is your connection with the President?!
Jane:Hes a guy on TV who nobody cares about.
Starr:Ladies and Gentlemen I believe they are part of the huge left wing conspiracy threatening our civilization. They know the President! Anyone with contact to him is a part of it. Tell me when were you last working for mister Clinton?
Jane:Never met him.
Starr:So you say.
Cochrane:I say Beavis and Butthead were killed out of racisim! Both Dara..
Daria:Daria
Cochrane: ...and Jane are white! Catch my drift!? Can you say RODNEY KING BEATING?!
Trent:Were white too.
Cochrane(pulls out a tape.)I will prove the racisist motives involved.(plays the tape. It shows Beavis and Butthead on the couch watching Snoop Doggy Dogg.)
Beavis:I'm a straight G.
Butthead:Your a G for Gonad
Beavis:Hey Butthead did you know I'm from Compton?
(Tape is shut off.)
Cochrane:As Beavis is clearly from COMPTON he is full blooded african-american! Can you say F@ck due process!? No way! The violence must be stopped!
Judge:Hmmmm. Okay jury whats the verdict!
Daria:Don't we get a say in this?
Judge:In a normal case yes. But in a case with so much overwhelming evidence I beleive not!
Jane:Dammit!
Trent:Uh, I got rehersal right now.
(Judge shakes his head. Suddenly Beavis and Butthead stager in. Everyone gasps)
Butthead:Uh, were late.
Beavis:M heh heh like hi.
Hutz:Who killed you? Even though we already know the answer.
Beavis:It was HER! GET HER AWAY!(Points to Barch)
Butthead:Huh huh shes scary! Its cool huh huh..
Barch:Okay so I did try to kill them. I would have if it weren't for eyeball boy over there!
DeMartino:Hey!
(Suddenly Upchuck charges in the room. He is holding a shotgun.)
Upchuck:You have disgraced me.
Butthead:Uh, yeah. Huh huh diss..
(Upchuck shoots Butthead. Then Beavis. They are torn apart by the slugs.)
Upchuck:For this you shall die! (Shoots Brittany who is blown in half in a disgusted manner. Kevin is enraged.)
Upchuck(turning to face Daria.)Whos the fiesty one now!(laughs)
Daria:(Panicked)Oh gawd...Trent theres something I gotta say...
Trent:(Equally scared)Yeah...
(Kevin tackles Upchuck and knocks him to the floor yelling insanely. Upchuck's shotgun is knocked away, he pulls a knife a slashes at Kevin, drawing blood.)
Kevin(total pain):I kill you you uh stupid geek type person!
(Kevin gets the knife away and stabs Upchuck with it several types, until Upchuck is dead.)
Kevin:Brittany I have like paid back thy death!(Passes out)
(Outside the courtroom. Daria and Trent are setting on the stairs.)
Trent:So Daria?
Daria:Yes?
Trent:What were you going to tell me?
Daria(embarrased):Ummm
Trent:Yesss?
Daria:You owe Jesse a shirt.
(Cut to credits. Weird pictures and the chorus for Metallica's "And Justice For All:")
The Ultimate In vanity
Exploiting their supremacy
I can't believe the the things you say
I can't believe the price we pay
Nothing Can save us
Justice is lost
Justice is raped
Justice is gone
Pulling your strings
Justice is done
Seeking no truth
Winning is all
Find it so grim
So true
So real
Epilogue:
Daria and Jane became infamous as the result of being prime suspects in the murders, despite the fact they had nothing to do with the deaths. Their new fame lasted about a week, after which everybody forget about the killings.
Trent Lane was ordered by the court to give Jesse Moreno his shirt back. They voted on a new name but it sucked so they went back to Mystick Spiral. For now.
Ms Janet Barch was sentenced to 50 hours of community service for the deaths of Beavis and Butthead. Afterward she wrote a book about it called "Murder and You". She became a figure of national contraversey and was hailed as the next Lorena Bobbit. Afterwards everybody forgot about that as well and she went back to teaching science and martial arts at Lawndale.
Mr Anthony DeMartino was savagely beaten up by Ms Barch for ratting her out. His brother Steven DeMartino eventually became a gun totting crossing guard.
Mr Lionel Hutz went back to work as a shoe salesman/lawyer.
Ken Starr's attempted "Daria Gate" failed miserabley as no-body liked the idea of yet another pointeless scandal. He eventually went back to work hounding the President in Washington. Nobody cared.
Mr Johnny Cochrane's attempt to play the race card in the murder trial failed horribley as no black people wanted to believe Beavis and Butthead could be of their race.
Kevin Thompson was devestated by the death of Brittany Taylor and nearly killed himself. But instead of commiting suicide he decided to watch the pigskin channel. The wounds he suffered fighting Upchuck ended his football career. So he pumped up on steriods and became the dreaded pro wrestler Thunderskull. He later beat up Stone Cold Steve Austin in a real fight after losing to him in a match.
James was eventually released as the cops got tired of bugging him. He signed on with Brutal Mercanery Magazine and was shot in Kossovo.
"Life is a wheel no man can stand on for long."
-Stephen King, the Stand
If you have any questions, comments e-mail them. But expect me to change the story. My knowledge of legal procedings is not great so if you found any problems thats because I'm a dumbass. I wanted the ending to be suprising so be suprised people! Humor me a bit, you surely didn't think that wuss Upchuck had the guts to kill a bunch of peope did you? I hope Its fun. If Metallica or Stephen King for some bizarre,odd-ball reason somehow get ahold of this please guys don't sue me! I'm just a humble peaceful high school student and have made no money of this nor will I. Okay guys? Thanks.
