32 to 35 years old
I was schocked when I was the one who founded my brotherhanged, however i was mostly concerned about my mother and father, because they never really recovered from this suicide. Someone is never prepared to loose a child, a son. It must be quite hard on someone's moral SO WHO WAS I TO FORCE THE LOST OF A SECOND SUN....MYSELF. What an awful decision, for the second time of my life, in order to spare my parent's moral, I denied myself. I threw away what I loved as most precious, my feminity, my soul.....What a distress, clothing, jewellery, dresses, ect.....I three them away, in the garbage. Death is calling life to go on. Following the death of my brother, I had a visceral desire to conceive life, to replace this loving brother. So we conceived 2 children, firstly a girl (she is currently 9) and 2 years later a boy. These two events brought me lots of joy and happiness. I was capable to BUY time. At that time, I asked God to help me me become an influent person, with power and means to do good things around me, in order to forgive my own sadness...... I promised God to spend the second half of my live to help others....Then, it was like magic, my carreer went upward like giant steps, and at 33, I was managing one of Montreal's largest in my indurtry, with over 50 millions gross business. I had great cars, a boat, great trips, entertainent evenings, goergious house, every one envied me, I was an example, I was MISTER success. What a mockery. I tried to stun myself with all this materiality, it was a lost case, I felt so miserable.
34 years old
I am 34 years old, despite this material success, my health detoriated, I was stomach ulceres, insomnia, intestinal problems,high pressure, and, suffered fron anxiety crisis as a jackpot. Finally, it was not enough, I almost killed myself in a car accident( I lost conciousness while driving). I did not understand what was going on. I cried often, I felt like doin nothing anymore. Doctors, emergencies, Hospitals, tests, specialists, none can find it. My soul is sick. A working college referred me to an Homeopathe(FL), this man surely saved my life. Because of his perceptiveness, his kindness and his immense understanding of mankind, he made me understood and also realized who I was and why I was like that. Above all, he made me understood there is nothing wrong being yourself, EVEN IF YOU ARE DIFFERENT.......thank you F. Then I accepted that my transexuality acceptation andproblems were linked to my physical problems, and, despite all the material success, my boundless disness caught up to me and is slowly killing me. I underwent 2 years of survival mode before I understood this. Sincerely, I cannot conceive a human body dismantling more than I was, whitout passing away eventually. My parents, my wife, my job, my friends, my own kids, it seemed that everything was an obstacle to my desires. I tried to remain a good father, quite complicated when I feel being the mother. I loved my children more than anything in this world, and, I am ready to undergo everything for them.
38 to 40 years old
At 38, I recovered my health. The crisis is behind me, I understand myself, I assume myself. Weekly, I went out as a woman again, after 10 years of absence....I feel like someone robbed 10 years of my life. However, going out, combined to taking care of Marie-Claude, instead of hiding her, solved all my psysical illnesses. Thank's to God..... It is decided, at 38 years old, even with all that, I failed my life, It is too late.....I am to old. Before young, I will then assume Marie-Claude on a part-time basis. Ironically, a full time job, and, a part-time life, more the part-time, once a week......what a pity. JULY 97.....I am 40 years old today, and, had a huge surprise party. It seems all my life is in front of me, parents, friends, working buddies past and present, everyone I liked and estimate are present for my 40 years party. I offered a sad show, I felt like crying all day. I felt so tired and devoided of interest. Misery may be physical (I had more then my share of it) or phylological, I also experienced that one. Misery had suddenly a face and a name, ME.....The day went by quite well, however for my part. I am bound to fail. I am 40 years old and feel like my life is over. I remained alive for my children, my career, and, who care the rest...........In December, the moovie Titanic was all the rage. Afetr several attemps, my wife convince me to go watch this moovie....This moovie was for me quite a revelation. Rose, this ols lady, taught me quite abit, she made me understand....At the end of the moovie, aftershe throw away the jeweel and came back die in her cabin, the camera showed a close-up of all pictures on her desk, she had dreams, and that was those dreams on the pics. When she was younger she made dreams with her lover, SHE REALIZE ALL THE DREMAS AND PROJECTS SHE MADE WITH HER LOVER BEFORE HE DRAWNED. She did horseback riding, boating, flying(palne pilot) she realize all her dreams and when she died with all her pictures beside her, SHE HAD THE SATISFACTION SHE LIVED HER LIFE. THIS IS THE WAY I WANT TO DIE, serenely with the satisfaction fullfilled my greatest desires, my most precious dreams. I will pass away AS A WOMAN, with my ballroom pictures, my pretenders, my acheivement as a woman. I will pass away being positive I succeeded my life. It is not to late, don't we say "Life starts at 40"
