I used to think change was a good thing. I used to tell people to change. I knew that life went on, and I was one of those people who would tell you to move on or be left behind. I revelled in change, in flowing with the directions that life sent me.
I have been 18 for nearly a year now. I have known that after high school, I would leave everything and everyone I knew behind. I was so sure of myself; I was so sure of my path. I wanted to leave. I craved it in the night. I could taste my freedom, getting sweeter after each passing day. 18 years of oppression and pain. All I wanted was to escape and, finally, I had my chance. I was leaving. And I was never looking back.
But suddenly, while I was sleeping in the night, life changed on me. And I am paralyzed with fear. My path is still clear, but maybe a little clearer, maybe a little less what I thought I so wanted. I have just recently learned how lucky I have been. Had I been blind; did living in darkness obscure my ability to see with my heart? Not only have I had opportunities that some kids would die for, I have friends and family members whom I adore completely. And life had been good. No matter what I might say at any given moment, life had been good.
A close friend shattered my illusion of remaining friends forever, of coming home and having life be the same. She did not mean to; she was only being realistic. A trait I thought I knew well. I thought I had shed my dreamer's skin and become the cynic I loathed. I was wrong.
I do not want to say goodbye to those I hold so dear. I do not want to think that this path we have walked together has come to an end. My heart aches at the simple thought that we might never make anymore wonderful memories. I want to make pacts, promises to remain friends forever. But I know all too well how those turn out, and I do not want these relations of mine to slip between my fingers, having become simple promises of a wistful teenage girl.
I leave soon...sooner than I could have ever imagined. Freedom now tastes bittersweet. I am losing people that I love to gain something I hope will be wonderful. The steps I am taking are small; I am trying to avoid jumping at any cost. I am in unfamiliar territory. Everyone who helped me along the way, everyone who guided me, everyone who loved me are gone. It is only me here now.
I am alone once again. Alone. And losing.
