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Caleb

I have always wanted a best friend. You know what I mean. I’m sure you have one. There must have been someone you grew up with. Someone who told you everything. Someone you whispered secrets to in the middle of the night. And when you both got into high school, they’d be the one you called after you broke up with what’s his name. Someone you knew so well that you’d just give each other a look and know what the other is thinking. Someone who’d laugh with you about nothing at all. Someone who understood. A best friend.

I’ll lie in bed at night and dream of my best friend. I have imagined how we’ll meet a million times. Maybe I’ll be walking down the street, look across, and see him. We’ll look at each other, and we’ll just know. Or maybe I’ll be in school and I close my locker and right next to me I see him, and we’ll just know. But even as I’m dreaming about these things, I know they’ll never happen. They couldn’t. At least not to me.

I have always wanted a best friend, but I don’t give away my trust easily. In fact, I hardly give it at all. I know it’s a precious thing, but I guard myself so carefully. I never cry in public…why? Because crying show vulnerbility and someone can hurt you when you’re vulnerble. And I’ve been hurt before. I’ve been hurt all my life. I’ve been hurt by people who don’t even know it, who wouldn’t even have the sense to realize it! All those people I told my secrets to, who just turned around and acted like I wasn’t even alive. Those people who criticize me daily on every fucking thing I do. Those people who took one look at me and judged me before I even said hello. But especially those assholes who tell me that my dreams, MY dreams, are stupid and foolish, and I will never be anything in this world.

And so now, I don’t give away my trust so that I won’t get hurt. And in reality, I know I’ll never have a best friend, but at least at night, I can still dream my stupid, foolish dreams.

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