These are the ten NES games the Critic himself
Jay Sherman, reviewed on Channel 67's Comming Attractions.
All he had to say about each one was, "IT STINKS!"10. Spy Hunter
This is just like the Atari version, only worse. Now there are just one long car level that never ends. (And one boat level that never ends.) There are no levels, bosses, or a point to this game. You just drive and drive and drive until you die. The backround never changes except for the color. The graphics are stinky and the game is boring. Spy Hunter is a waste of time and money.
9. Three Stooges
Here's a game that makes no sense whatsoever. First of all, Nintendo's first mistake on the game was the idea. the Three Stooges and NES go together like gasoline and matches, meaning they are not fun to play with together. In the game the Three Stooges decide to save a orphanage. Sounds like an everyday thing that they do, huh? You then have to do retarded things to raise money to save the orphanage like eat soup. Eating soup in an NES game is as boring as a Dave Duchovny movie. The game is really hard also so don't touch it.
8. Milon's Secret Castle
This is one of the most frustrating games I've ever played. You play some wuss named Milon who looks like an elf trying to masquerade as Super Mario, and you run around big rooms shooting bubbles that can destroy enemies and walls. Exploring the rooms is mildly interesting, and you better be good at it too- you need the money you get from blowing up certain blocks to buy tools, and you'll need a bunch of honeycombs to face the final boss. Hit detection is off, so sometimes you'll shoot a bubble at a breakable block and it won't break. And since you can't tell which blocks are breakable until you actually BREAK them... it gets frustrating quick. The puzzle rooms aren't that hard to clear, but the later bosses are nigh impossible. They jump around like they're on pogo sticks, shooting off fireballs one after another after another, while you try and counterattack with those dinky bubbles that are a bitch to aim and pretty damn unimposing weapons besides. There's no way to save your game, or even continue if you die. And the ending sucks- you get a big thank you from the princess and some stupid music, then go right back to the start screen. And the item system makes no sense! Example- a big green boxing glove shrinks you, but only if you have a magic potion. Grabbing an umbrella makes your bubbles rapid-fire, grabbing a bumblebee gives you a protective shield, honeycombs somehow raise your maximum life, a knife makes your bubbles more powerful... was the designer on an acid trip or something? (Craxton)
7. MagMax
This game has great graphics, if it was on Atari. There is no point to this game, you just keep flying forever shooting these piss-poor enemies. The music is also putrid. This game is as fun as watching paint dry. And what's with the label art? Last time I checked the game doesn't look anything like the cover.
6. John Elway Quarterback
This is a stinky football game. None of the players have arms. The music just straight up sucks. Your running plays are useless unless you scramble with the E-train himself. (Who was really stupid to endorse this game.) I have no idea on how to kick the ball. The only cool part is the passing option and how you have to line up the guy with the arrow. It is also a piece of cake(and crap.) I played this game once and won 27-7 while on the phone with my girlfriend.
5. Rambo
Yet another classic from Acclaim. The Rambo in this game is so sorry looking that (for you that were in my history class last year) Mr. "Ram"Bowes is a tougher looking dude than Rambo. This Rambo has the 98 pound weakling/ David Copperfield look going. The music in the game is really bad and the game is really long. It is also really unrealistic. It takes only one knife throw, yet two machine gun bullets to kill a snake. (Yes, I'm dead serious.) After these things I'm sure that the game gets worse, but I doubt you'll play longer than that because I sure didn't.
4. Karate Champ
Lets see:
Bad Music+ Bad Graphics+ Choppy Movements= Karate Champ
Yet another fun filled game about karate. The graphics are so bad, especially the judge whose arms are coming out of his side. Once you turn around, you cannot turn back around. Oh, my favorite part is when you fall and land IN the ground, not on top of it. The sound is almost as cool as the gameplay. Another great game from the boys at Data East!!!
3. Star Voyager
No point, horrible graphics (especially the guy going in the ship.) and the sound and music is putrid. Just plain boring and pointless. No thought or brain power went in this game. Avoid Star Voyager at any cost. On Christmas, I got this and Hydlide from my uncle. I didn't know whether to cry or murder him. And that's the story of the worst Christmas ever. (Just Kidding)
2. Hydlide
Hydlide is the poster child for crappy games. You go around listening to an Indiana Jones ripoff for background music, holding down the A button and walking into monsters until they die or until you do. (Yes, thats how you fight.) And there's a 90% chance that you will die. The monsters you fight are just blobs and crude rectanglelike guys. Sweet Atari 2600 graphics. Oh yeah, there's the classic "SAVE" button that only saves your game until you shut off the game. (Which will be rather quickly because of the crappy game.)
1. Back to the Future
This is the biggest piece ’o’ crap I’ve ever played on any system. I think that blienk from tha nes smackdown summed it up best by saying, "if all the crappy NES games formed a football team, the this would be the captain." I remember back in the second grade when I rented this game. The whole ride home ride home all I could think was how cool this game was gonna be. I ran from the car to my room and popped in the game. Then all my dreams of a great game were shattered when I heard that music. And it only went down hill from there. The graphics are horrible and the gameplay is just retard. You throw mikshakes at Biff and his fellow goons, block hearts from Lorraine McFly with a textbook, and wonder aimlessly up and down streets. Good idea guys. In case you haven’t heard the music, lets put it this way: I’d rather hear Fran Drescher sing opera than listen to this music again. Since the movie was so good why couldn’t LJN (the designers) come up with a better game?
