The Microsoft Corporation has announced that it plans to introduce a new generation of computerized software-controlled devices that will make conventional exercise systems such as weightlifting and NordicTrack obsolete.

The Sleeperciser™ headwear module, a brain wave controller that is compatible with any Windows based computer, may prove to be the most important development in the history of computer input/output gadgets, since the invention of the mouse.

Although it looks just like an ordinary rubber swimming cap, the Sleeperciser™ is actually a transmitter/receiver that will make it possible for users to get a complete whole-body workout and get into great physical shape, while they sleep.

“Since the software program monitors your normal everynight sleeping patterns, as well as your body’s on-going response to the computer’s exercise stimulus to your brain, we are as a result able to manipulate the entire workout so that you’ll never get a muscle strain, or even feel tired when you wake up”, explains former bodybuilding guru and Microsoft Product Manager Arnold Swatchanager. “In fact, you’ll feel much more totally refreshed when you awaken, because the amount of energy expended in the workout will result in a deeper, more rejuvenating sleeping experience.” A variety of Sleeperciser™ exercise software programs will soon be made available on CD-ROM, ranging from the macho-man muscle building “Bulkalizer”, which promises to make anyone muscle bound without even using steroids, to the more female oriented “Sleekerliser”, which would make any type of dieting unnecessary, as you will burn off all your extra calories and body fat while you sleep.

The “Sexerciser” CD-ROM will likely be the most controversial of these Sleeperciser™ programs, and probably one of the bestsellers, since it is touted as a completely safe and gratifying way to go beyond masturbation, without the risk of unwanted pregnancies or exposure to any sexually transmitted diseases. Although Microsoft promises that it will not be sold to minors, some religious groups are already claiming that this type of computer activity is at least as immoral as internet pornography, and may eventually do even worse damage to society, since many young people may just choose to stay at home and sleep alone, instead of going out on dates.

Which reminds me, I’ll have to stop and buy some flowers today to bring home to my computer.

© Tony Biscaia December 1997