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VIRTUAL KIDS HIT SHELVES

Hot on the heels of its phenomenal success with the “Tamagotchi”, or “Virtual Chicken”, a Japanese toy manufacturer has announced that it’s next product is now ready to ship.

The “Kidagotchi”, or “Virtual Kid”, is expected to be the latest toy that won’t be able to keep up with sales demand, and will create yet another toy shortage craze, as people flock to the stores in increasing numbers to purchase these new high-tech virtual toys.

Made from a new patented plastic material called “Phlesh”, these life-sized kids will be available in many shapes, sizes, and even various races with stunning realistic colors. They will “bleed” if scraped or cut, and cry out from pain just like a real kid. They’ll have a limited vocabulary that allows them to ask their parents for hugs, food or drinks, and even spending money as they get older, but of course does not include any profanities.

Complete with a storage “bed” that automatically recharges the “Kidagotchi” as it sleeps, these virtual toys are so realistic that many are questioning whether they have feelings. USA National Sales Manager Victor Wu responds: “Not to worry, we make them without a heart, so you don’t have to feel guilty if you were to neglect them. When you get tired of them, just put them back in the storage bed. Also, they’re not made anatomically correct, so you don’t have to worry about perverts abusing them, or lawsuits, either.”

“For all you people that would have liked to have children but couldn’t, or just don’t want the hastle, this is the product you’ve been waiting for” said Mr. Wu. “Gay households can now have a more complete family, and you can even order your own custom-made “Kidagotchi” that resembles you, your parents or other relatives, even famous people.”

The “Kidagotchi” could also be used by prospective couples in order to test their mutual commitment before they actually tie the knot, according to Mr. Wu. “The last generation realized that living together was a good idea, to help in determining compatibility before tying the knot. That concept can now be taken to the next level, so you’ll be able to see what kind of a parent your mate will be before making the marital decision. I’m willing to bet that the divorce rate will decline as a result, but we’re not really looking for social cures, just profits, so we won’t actually be making that claim on the packaging just yet.”

Call 1-800-GET-A-KID now, to order yours before they’re all gone...

© Tony Biscaia, May ‘97