The Vigoro Company has introduced a new type of insecticide, which also doubles as a vitamin supplement, and therefore doesn’t need to be washed off fruit or vegetables before using.
As concerns mount for the safety of pesticide residues on what has been traditionally claimed to be the healthiest food group, vegetables, Vigoro has decided to invest heavily in changing the public perception that all pesticides are bad when ingested.
“Tests conducted by a private lab funded by but not affiliated with Vigoro, have so far shown surprisingly positive results. Using our VitaCide™ product in carefully controlled experiments, they’ve created some of the fastest growing and healthiest laboratory rats ever,“ explains Vigoro founder and CEO Victor Goroteski. “In fact, although at first the rats didn’t really want to eat vegetables, they now love those healthy greens that they refused to eat until they realized we weren’t going to give them anything else. Just think of what this will mean to your young ones who also refuse to eat their broccoli and other vegetables.”
The Food and Drug Administration and the federal EPA are conducting their own tests, but early indications are that soon, farmers worldwide will be using these new chemical wonders, also called pestamins. “This is a great example of the new spirit of cooperation between major corporations and the government agencies that control them” points out FDA Chairman, Mr. Herman M. Onster. “Once a problem in the food chain is identified, these chemical conglomerates are willing to work with us on finding a profitable solution, no matter how difficult the problem, and they are now also much more aware of how public sentiment must be dealt with, in order to achieve these profits. We all learned a big lesson from the radiated milk fiasco, when people suddenly began to question food processing methods and their safety.”
Organic gardeners and naturalists are already protesting, predicting that in time, these new pestamins may turn out to have severe adverse side effects on the general public’s health. “This reminds me of the tobacco companies introducing their product decades ago, and we should have learned from history by now that all these claims are just a smoke screen, so that they can cash in and fill their pockets before we learn the ugly truth”, said Mr. Arthur Lungless, speaking through a mechanical voice box that now allows him to speak after he lost his thorax to his chewing tobacco habit of many years.
Other public health activists have also expressed their disapproval, voicing concerns about the possible effects on the nation’s youth, who would be most vulnerable to the dietary effect of these new wonder chemicals. Even Mr. Bill Windows, the computer guru who developed the mental equivalent of pestamins also known as Microsoft, agrees: “I wouldn’t feed my kids this stuff, even if they did grow faster and live longer. Who knows how it will affect their emotional development? I don’t want my kids trying to beat me up when they’re 8 years old, just because they’re already bigger than me!”
© Tony Biscaia July 97
