Intel Corporation, the largest maker of computer chips for the home and business PC industry, has revealed that research is nearly completed for a new generation of electronic devices which the company hopes will revolutionize the industry.
“Everybody’s major complaint is that technology improves so fast that, within a few months, the stuff you bought is obsolete.” Explains Howard Intel, owner and CEO of the Intel Corporation. “And then you have to throw it all out and get newer stuff. Well, with our new potato based technology, you just eat the old chips, or give them to your dog, so there’s absolutely no waste.”
Operating at blazing speeds, the new potato CPU’s will eventually replace all existing hardware with environmentally friendly devices that will not further pollute already toxic laden dumps. “Now you can feel good about tossing out your old computer, because not only are they edible, these new chips actually work like a potato battery, and operate under their own power, so you can save electricity at the same time. And let me add that these are baked, not fried, so there is no cholesterol at all in this product, for all you people on a diet.”
Mr. Intel also pointed out that since potatos are so easy to grow as opposed to silicon, prices are certain to tumble, as production rushes to meet the expected demand for the Potato Pentium. “I don’t think it will even affect the overall produce market potato prices at all. We already have contracts with major farms, that previously were just getting paid by the federal goverment to not grow anything at all. This will be a great business boom for farmers as well as computer dealers.”
A new operating system for the Potato Pentium is currently under development by the Microsoft Company. The soon to be released “S.O.S 2000”, (Spud Operating System), is now being tested on prototype systems. Chairman Bill Gates sounded highly enthusiastic about the prospects for yet another round of software upgrades, which he deemed as inevitable in the progression of improvements to the personal computer. “Heck, we’re eventually gonna make these chips so cheap, you’ll be buying them at fast food stands. Even homeless people will be gobbling up this technology.” said Mr Gates.
Idaho state officials are anxiously awaiting tests that may prove that Idaho grown tubers are best for maximum speed. “This could be the ultimate tribute to our potatos, that they not only taste great, but are also the fastest potatos you can buy.” says Idaho Governor Stud E. Baker.
U.S. government officials are waiting for test results before deciding whether to tax these new devices as a food or a luxury item, but skeptics expect that potatos will be taxable as soon as the Potato Pentium hits the market, lest any hackers try to copy the technology because it’s tax free. “Just because potatos can be used as a food, that doesn’t mean you can sell them for computer chips and get away with it without paying taxes.” explains Ira S. Gotcha, policy adviser for the Internal Revenue System. “ I know the rice producers don’t think it’s fair.”
Apple Computer is rumored to be researching their own version of the new technology, CPU's made from real apples. Apple CEO Golden Cortland claims "It's a faster, more powerful chip, and it smells much better. It's also much better for you, because it contains so many more vitamins, compared to a potato."
Another fad, or a landmark product? Time will tell..
© Tony Biscaia, January 1997
