In an effort to bolster sagging attendance in the second season of Major League Soccer, the MLS rules commitee is evaluating proposed changes that would attract a larger proportion of the american sports public. The majority of these changes would make soccer more like the other major american sports, hopefully bringing in additional fans.

Having already instituted a controversial “shoot-out” to determine a winner in games that end in a tie, the league seems ready to further deviate from the established worldwide rules of soccer in order to increase the sport’s popularity in America, at the risk of turning off some purists who don’t like to see changes in their game.

While some of these changes, such as having team cheerleaders, have already been tried in some cities, other changes are truly innovative and unheard of. For example, exotic male dancers are now being recruited, and will have a trial period in one of the MLS cities, hoping to bring in the numerous “soccer moms” along with their kids.

On-the-field changes may include foul balls (instead of a throw-in, balls kicked out of bounds will be replayed, and the player will get another chance to keep the ball in play), penalty boxes (players will sit out instead of getting a yellow card, for 5, 10 or 30 minutes at the sole discretion of the referee, depending on the severity of the foul), and extra points (after each foul, the player who was fouled will get a chance at an empty net from the midfield center spot).

Other extreme entertainment proposals under consideration include chainsaw juggling in the end zone, hang gliding over the stadium field, blimp bungee jumping, security guard arm wrestling on the sidelines, one-on-one chess matches between the head coaches, and speed stilt racing, possibly featuring clowns, chipanzees and even elephants, as well as a few randomly chosen individuals from the crowd.

Negotiations with the Disney empire are also under way, so that kids will also be able to wave to their favorite Disney characters and team mascots on the field, and will have a photo opportunity before, during and after each game. A contract is also being worked out with the McDonald’s Corporation, so that “Happy meals” may eventually be available at the concession stands. For the adult crowd, micro-brewed-on-site beers are also being discussed, along with on and off-field betting, right up to halftime.

Will the rest of the world follow our footsteps? Will the almighty buck conquer all? Tune in next season...