The US Postal Service has revealed plans to enter the home pizza delivery business, despite arguments it would cut into the U.S. Mail system’s current profitability.

“It’s an obvious market for the Postal Service” said US General Post Marshall , Dr. G. Post Marshall. “ I mean, we go by everybody’s house everyday, even if they don’t get any mail. We’ll just leave a pizza menu in every mailbox. People will be able to get a pizza and have their mail delivered at the same time.”

A massive retrofit program is already under way to install brick pizza ovens in all mail delivery vehicles. The official Postal Service pizza boxes be made available in the form of a handy mailing envelope, for recycling purposes. “Now you can get your pizza and mail it too. Just don’t get any cheese on the label, or it won’t stick good.” says Dr. Marshall.

The US Postal service is also considering home keg delivery service, as a result of a major recent survey revealing the compatibility of pizza and beer. The additional cost of having hot and cold storage on delivery vehicles seems prohibitive, but the profit margins of a government run tax free liquor business may well offset these costs.

“There’s no law that says we can sell only postage stamps. It’s a can’t miss proposition. Who needs venture capital money when you have tax dollars? The way I see it, today pizza and beer, tomorrow, who knows? We may put LL Bean out of business. Heck, eventually we might even deliver babies.”

Response was mixed from other pizza delivery companies. “If they pay these pizza delivery people the same as all other US Mail delivery personnel, we’ll see how profitable they are.” says Dominic Domino, the founder of the famous Domino’s pizza empire. Other possible competitors, such as UPS and Federal Express, have made few any public statements regarding the brewing pizza delivery wars.

“I guess it’s conceivable that we may be forced to deliver pizza to stay competitive” said Uncle Paul Smith, the original founder of UPS. But we can’t get a liquor license, so we can’t possibly compete with the U.S. Post Office”. Don’t expect any UPS deliveries of beer kegs, anytime soon.

Will it fly? Time will tell...

© Tony Biscaia, January 1997