“With the recent public fears of planes crashing, the time has come to let the weather come to you, instead of traveling to warm places for vacations. Now you can sit in your own backyard and get a tan, even while the rest of your neighborhood is in a deep freeze,” Claims Raytheon spokesman Ray T. Heon. “Just call your local Uniglobe travel agent and we’ll beam some sunshine on you. Our special UV filters guarantee you won’t get a sunburn, and you don’t even need sunglasses, unless the glare bothers you, because it won’t even hurt your eyes. Bad airline food and lost luggage will be also be a thing of the past. ”
Preliminary test have shown the satellite to be capable of penetrating through thick cloud cover, bringing instant good wheather to customers tired of long cold winters. “You can even use our services instead of snowplowing.” says Mr. Heon. “In fact, we’re already working with state and federal government officials to organize an automatic road melt operation on all major highways.“
Using “Star Wars” Technology no longer necessary since the collapse of the former USSR, Raytheon hit on the idea when one of their employees was caught in his outdoor hut tub in the middle of a raging snowstorm. Afraid of losing his job, the unidentified worker confessed he’d been using company resources for his own use, but claimed he was in fact doing product research. After some legal jostling, the employee remained on the job, although his hot tub was confiscated as a precaution against future abuse.
Despite strong opposition from the travel industry, as well as various environmental groups, Raytheon plans to launch the wheather satellite as soon as the USA government officials provide available space on the next space shuttle mission, which will deploy the unit and assemble it in a series of space walks, all to be funded by the expected explosion of Raytheon stock, which has already quadrupled in only 2 days since the announcement.
Get your bathing suits out...
© Tony Biscaia, February 1997
