In a bold move that industry experts are already criticizing as a death wish, the Philip Morris Tobacco Company today announced plans to market a new smoking device that is worn on the smoker’s head like a helmet.
“This baby is going to revitalize the smoking industry in America, ” claims Mr. Philip Morris, CEO of the Philip Morris Co. “All those concerns about second-hand smoke will no longer be an issue at all, since all the smoke stays in the helmet.”
Using new Ozone Scrubber filter technology, the helmet will allow plenty of oxygen to get into the helmet, while not allowing any smoke to get out. “The smoker controls the amount of smoke that is contained in the helmet at all times, and therefore can get as much or as little smoke as desired, at the flip of a switch.”
Critics claim this device is a definite health hazard, and point out that many people might smoke themselves to death in search of a bigger nicotine fix . “This product could eventually cost more lives per year, and be a bigger threat to society, than alcohol and drug abuse combined!” predicts Dr. Julius E. Heart, the Founder and President of the American Heart Association.
“I’m afraid their advertising might be aimed at the kiddie bycicle helmet market.” commented Mr. Joseph Camel, the much maligned cartoonist who’s generally considered responsible for the resurgence of tobacco consumption among teens. “I’ve made enough money at it, so I don’t want any part of this.”
Philip Morris Co. also plans to market a mini-cigarette, to be tentatively called the “Bong Hitter”. “With this helmet, all you need is one of these inexpensive little butts, instead of a whole cigarette, and you can still get all the satisfaction you crave. “Just think of the savings over the years, in terms of both tobacco and money” points out Mr Morris. “Not only that, our helmet also protects you from the common cold, which for legal reasons, we’re not going to claim on the label. It will also allow smokers to go to non-smoking establishments they may have been banished from.”
Reaction from non-smokers so far seems to be generally positive. “Let them smoke, as long as their smoke doesn’t bother me.” is the most commonly echoed sentiment.
Rulings from state authorities concerning visibility problems may adversely affect future helmet smokers’ right to drive. “We know dropping a cigarette on your lap can cause auto accidents.” said MASD (Mothers Against Smoking and Driving) chairwoman and spokesperson Ms. Hope N. Charity. ”Dropping your helmet could be much worse”.
“Everybody knows smoke gets in your eyes.” replied Mr. Morris. “So what’s the big deal? With our helmet, when ya smoke and drive, at least the passengers will be better off, especially babies.”
Motorcycle anti-helmet activists have so far made no comment, presumably in the hope that helmets will be banned altogether, so they can enjoy the breeze ( or the smoke ) in their hair again, should cooler heads prevail...
© Tony Biscaia, February 1997
