A revolutionary new propeller cap has been developed by Nike that could eventually make cars, trains and even airplanes obsolete.

“This is the wave of the future in personal transportation.” Claims Nike spokesperson and owner Michael Jordan, who revealed he has been wearing a prototype model of the prop cap, designed to look like a shaved head, for years. “Look what it’s done for basketball already.” The cap will be available in a variety of wig-type models, making it an alternative to hair growth for balding men. It can also be made to look like a plain ordinary basebal type cap.

Based on patented technological improvements called HTML (Hyper Texture MateriaL), that can make circuitry so small that you can’t even see it, the prop cap will hit store shelves in the next month or so, depending on the ability of Nike’s Chinese children to meet the expected demand.

“The best thing is, it’s solar powered, so all you have to do is stick your head above the clouds and you’re charged for the whole day. The only drawback is that if you forget you’re wearing it, and go to scratch your head, you might lose a couple fingers.” Admits Mr. Jordan. “But we’re legally protected by the disclaimer on the cap label, warning you about the high speed propeller, and we’ve also purchased Lloyd’s of London.”

Capable of reaching speeds up to 600 miles per hour, the cap will pose new problems for customs and immigration officials. “If this thing makes it to Cuba, there’ll be nobody left but Fidel.” Predicted one official who requested anonymity. “If we don’t keep this cap under control, it could mean the end of the world as we know it.”

As tested by this writer, the cap does seem to have a potential for changing the world, except for the cumbersome chin strap. Some people, especially those who dislike seat belts and any other form of restraint, may send some caps into orbit unmannned. This could eventually be a bigger problem than seagulls for dinosaur jet aircraft. The FAA may dispute the legality of the cap, as it is at present unregulated and considered very dangerous in a free society. “This thing is much more dangerous than a fax machine, because it actually makes it possible for individuals with absolutely no prior experience to fly, dwarfing the dangers of the free exchange of ideas..”

Some countries, including China, have already declared the prop cap a menace to society, and vowed to not even allow it’s citizens know such a device exists. But Nike officials are confident it will be a matter of time before the word is swarming with flying human debris, resulting from the expected joyflying accidents, as people begin drinkin and flying rather than driving.

This could be the beginning of a new round of law enforcement efforts to thwart anyone trying to use transportation methods as a way of having fun. We may well all be grounded, if the U.S. federal government decides to regulate the prop cap and adopts prohibitionistic travel laws.

© Tony Biscaia, January 1997