The Environmental Protection Agency is contemplating mandatory regulations on all charcoal backyard grills, claiming the emissions from the millions of home operated grills pose a bigger problem than automobiles and industrial air pollution combined.

“Nearly 69 trillion tons of volatile organic compounds are released into the atmosphere annually from these infernal little grills” explains EPA Administrator Carol Browner. “Why should we allow individuals to pollute, while we crack down on autos and businesses?”

Other federal officials are calling for further comprehensive studies before imposing the EPA’s proposed regulations, which would include mandatory yearly inspections of all grills presently in use, a new federal tax of 200% on sales of all new grills effective immediately, and a minimum rating of 25 MPH (Meals per Hour) by the year 2000.

“The MPH grill efficiency rating is very important towards achieving a ceiling on future emissions and reducing the ever increasing amount of ozone-causing chemicals in the air” Browner claims. “More efficient grills will result in less pollution per meal cooked, and that’s our goal. We also plan to encourage people to eat more fish, because it’s not only healthy, but cooks relatively much faster than meats.”

Environmentalist groups, as well as most foreign governments, who claim America’s love affair with barbecuing is fast becoming planet Earth’s biggest short-term crisis, surpassing even the world overpopulation and famine problems, applaud the EPA’s proposed regulations.

“Microscopic soot, much of which comes from burning, is causing problems with weather systems worldwide, and is as big a concern as global warming, but yet much easier to control. Unlike toxins, fluorocarbons or other industrial hazardous chemicals, soot is very easily traced to its source, and the source is obvious in this case” says Mr. Will N. Dowed, President of Dow Chemical Company, affirming his company’s support of the EPA’s concerns on this matter. “We have been researching BBQ Sauce additives, which will make foods burn cleaner without affecting the flavor, and could be ready for mass production as soon as the FDA gets off its fanny and allows us to market them. ”

Grill manufacturers are scrambling to come up with a “muffler system” which would remove most of the pollutants being released, giving their product a leg up on the competition. However, such systems will be expensive and cumbersome, prompting skeptics to believe that a rash of lung cancer and house fires will result, as Americans take their old grills indoors to escape the new regulations.

Pass the starter fluid, please?

© Tony Biscaia June 97