Sailorkitty Macabre
Act One: Princess Teeth type two! Punkie's big mouth

"CAT!"

Kitty screamed, slammed on the brakes, and scanned the empty road. "Puddiiiii, don't dooo that."

Puddi laughed hysterically. Punkin peeled herself off the windshield. Alexis flinched as the other contents of Kitty's purse pelted him from all sides. "Alisabel. Do not provoke her while she's driving. I already have a compact-shaped bruise on my stomach, an earring around my tail, and am coated in glitter. The sooner we get out of the car, the better."

"Yes!" Punkin bubbled. "The sooner we get out of the car, the sooner I get these off my teeth! The sooner I can eat caramel and popcorn! The sooner I can chew gum!"

"I wonder if we could make her jaws stick shut," Puddi pondered.

Kitty dodged an elderly pedestrian. "I bet we could fit a whole roll of Bubble Tape into her mouth."

"You could each fit two rolls in your mouth with room to spare."

Kitty sighed. "Lexi boo. Glitter is supposed to make you happy, not cranky."

"It gets under my scales," the lizard whined. "It itches."

"You probably need another bath," Punkie said.

"I am perfectly capable of bathing myself. I do not require any bath salts, scented oils, exfoliating creams, loofah sponges, or wax."

"But it made your scales so shiny...."

"Considering the fact that I have been rolled in glitter daily since I came here, I think the wax is...."

Ker-thunk. He was cut off as the Bitchmobile bounced off the curb and he bounced off the ceiling. "I guess that's parked," Kitty said. "Come on, Lexi. We have to go with Punkie for moral support...Lexi?" Silence. "Oh well. We can wake him up when we get inside."


Alexis twitched and opened one eye. The girls had managed to check in and were reading magazines until the orthodontist was ready.

"Ooh, Punkie, look at this one." Kitty held up a Cosmo. "Twenty-three luscious new lipsticks for the new millennium!"

"Ooh! That kind of silvery-green one would be perfect on Lexi!"

"Ooh! This Reptile Digest Monthly has an article all about scale buffing for maximum shine and texture!"

"Claw extensions! They're lavender!"

Alexis shut his eyes and played dead.

A dental assistant opened the door. "Um...Princess Aurora...of the...Shiny Realm of Pinkness...?"

Everyone turned to Punkin. She shrugged. "That's what it says on my driver's license." Kitty grabbed Alexis around the middle, successfully purging him of breath, and the girls bounced into the next room.

Puddin whispered, "Since when do orthodontists keep dozens of burning candles around the office?"

"I don't know. Maybe she watches Martha Stewart."

"Maybe she waxes eyebrows on the side."

"My eyebrows grow on the front."

"Then you don't have to worry about it."

They wandered along behind the dental assistant, who led them through several twisted passages, descending to the basement.

"This is cool," Kitty said. "When I used to come here, it was all done in mauve and beige."

"Beige is a funny word."

"Beeeeeiiiige."

"Mauve is funny too."

"Maaaaau...." Punkin broke off as Alexis clawed her arm. "Waaaah Lexiiii. Bad lizard."

The dental assistant turned around. "Lizard? We don't allow animals in the operating...in the other room."

"Animals? Lexi is a...is a...um...Pez dispenser."

"Oh really."

"Yeah," Puddin said, and whacked Alexis until he spat up a Pez, coughing.

"Pez dispensers don't cough."

"Oh, that was me," Kitty said, coughed, and faked a seizure on the floor.

"Um...right...let's just keep going, kay?"

"Wow, that was great!" Punkin whispered to Kitty.

"Yeah, I learned it from Brat. She watches lots of Pokemon."

Alexis moaned quietly. "I don't suppose any of you demon children have a cough drop."

Kitty pushed him back into her purse. "Why don't you just look around in there for a while."

"Are you talking to your purse now?" the dental assistant asked.

Puddin hummed. "We talk to all kinds of inanimate objects. The doctors said it would help us relate to our classmates better."

"Jeez, this is a long hallway," Punkin complained. "I want to get these alien homing devices off my teeth."

The dental assistant spun around. "Alien homing devices? What gave you that idea?"

"Daddy said that's what they were. He's made me wear an aluminum foil hat to bed every night since I had them put on."

The four girls and the Pez-dispensing lizard finally stopped in front of a door. "Okay, kids, in here." She opened the door. Maniacal laughter, terrified screams, and the sound of a chainsaw poured out into the hall. "Ummm...next door down."

"Ooh, wow," Puddin said, awed, as they stepped into the room.

"Um...They didn't have all those chains when I was here before, either."

Another dental assistant came up behind them. "Oh good, Kandi...but I thought there was only one of them?"

"They're my entourage," Punkie smiled. Puddin kicked her.

"It doesn't matter, Brandi," Kandi said, sighing. "Imperi...Dr. Parker didn't say anything about the other two. And the Pez dispenser." Brandi looked at her. "Don't ask."

"Um...okay. Like, um...Princess Aurora...."

"Of the Shiny Realm of Pinkness."

"Um...whatever...Why don't you get into the chair. You other two can sit down over here and read magazines or something. I think we have Cosmo and Reptile Digest Monthly."

"Oh god no," Alexis whined.

"Oh cool!" Brandi exclaimed. "It's a talking purse!"

The purse groaned.

"Wow!"

Suddenly, the door flew open in a burst of ominous music. A short, reddish-blonde woman marched in, followed by two platinum blonde dental assistants with kazoos and nametags reading Misti and Mitzi.

"Welcome, Imperious Leader...um, Dr. Parker!" Brandi and Kandi bowed.

"Didn't she used to have auburn hair?"

"Ominous Kazoos. That would be a cool name for a band."

"No," the purse said.

"I wouldn't let my purse talk to me like that."

"Brandi, hush!" the woman said. "Good afternoon, Punkie. Today's the big day, huh?"

"Hi, Dr. Parker!"

The woman jumped. "Oh god. Not her...I mean, um, nice to see you again, Kitty. How's your retainer."

"Brat ate it."

"Um...sure. Girls, let's get started on the ceremony."


"Is this going to hurt?" Punkin asked.

"Not a bit," Misti smiled, sharpening the cleaver. Mitzi drew a seven-pointed pentagram around the chair.

Brandi attempted to ignite a small pile of exotic-looking herbs, but her lighter sputtered and died. "Oh, shoot. Anyone got a match?" Puddin threw her a booklet and a gas can. "Thanks, hon."

Kandi, having finished tying Punkin down, busily leafed through a heavy book labeled Necrodonticon. "Okay, Imperi...Dr. Parker, I think we're ready."

"Good," the woman laughed, and threw her white lab coat off to reveal a skin-tight black jumpsuit. The others followed suit.

"In the name of the unholy darkness that fills the furious void between worlds...."

"Um?" Punkie started.

"What?"

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"You should have thought of that before we started."

Alexis looked out of Kitty's purse, trying to avoid having his eye poked out with a hairpin. "Um, girls?"

"What, Lexi?"

"Did they take your braces off that way?"

"Hmm? Oh, no, she used a little scrapy thing."

"Really."

"...we break this magical seal and release this demon from his million-year sleep!"

"My teeth aren't that bad," Punkie whined.

"Sssh." Dr. Parker popped the first bracket off. A dark mist began to seep out of Punkin's mouth and hover over the chair.

"I told her she shouldn't eat garlic egg rolls before she goes to the dentist."

The second bracket came off. The mist grew heavier, and a high-pitched whining noise began to fill the air.

"Um...girls...." Alexis started.

Three, four, five. The room grew dark. Dr. Parker cackled insanely. Suddenly the rest of the brackets flew off, and a black wind came rushing out of Punkin's mouth.

"Punkie! Now what do we say?"

"At last! Now I am once again free to take over this pitiful world! Worship me, the omnipotent Greater-Wing-42, and perhaps I will allow you live long enough to see the true beauty of Chaos!"

"Umm...that wasn't really what I had in mind...."

"Girls!"

Punkin gagged. "Could I maybe get some mouthwash or something? It's all...sulfur-y."

Dr. Parker held up an empty honey jar. "Greater-Wing-42! Condense into this magically reinforced container! We who summoned you will protect you while you regain your true power!"

"GIRLS!"

Kitty gasped and drooled on her Cosmo. "Oh cool! Puddi, look at these shoes!"

"Ooh!" Mitzi cried. "Misti, look at those shoes!" Dr. Parker whacked her on the head.

Alexis sighed and dug around in Kitty's purse. He surfaced with her transformation compact and chucked it at her.

Whack. "Owwww....Oh. Hey, Puddi."

"Hmmm?"

Whack. "Owwww...Oh. Right."

"Perky Princess Power, maaaake up!"

"Magic Bondage Euphoria, transform!"

While Kitty paused to lace up her boots, Greater-Wing-42 sucked himself into the honey jar, and Dr. Parker screwed the lid on tightly. "There," she said, satisfied. By this time, Punkin had chewed through the restraints.

"Shiny Pleather Hotpants Power!"

The three Sailorspluts stood there, hands on hips. "Okay, Dr. Parker, I have no idea what you're doing, but Lexi thinks we should vaporize you, and I'm all for it after the bite plate incident," Sailorkitty shouted.

Dr. Parker shook her hair and sighed. "I should have known you'd come back to haunt me. The custodian is still cleaning the goo off the ceiling from your last impression we took."

Kitty stuck out her tongue. "I don't like tropical punch."

The orthodontist snapped her fingers. "Brandi. Kandi." She smiled at the Spluts. "Now, this is the part where I coo at the cute little superheroines, assuming them to be no threat because of the eyeliner and nail stickers, reveal all my secret plot, let you get away, and spend the rest of the season regretting it, right?"

"Right!" Sailoraurora chirped.

"Wrong-o, sweetie. You guys are penguin kibble," she finished, and left the room, followed by Misti and Mitzi on kazoo.

"Um...penguins eat fish."

"Whatever," Brandi said, and whipped out an improbable-looking sort of gun. "Rubber Band Buster!" An army of tiny rubber bands snapped at the girls.

"Waaaah!" Kitty cried. "I hate these ever since I swallowed one!"

Meanwhile, Kandi was chasing Sailorarsenicbutterfly with a sharp-looking implement of dental destruction. Punkie tossed her a travel-size bottle of hair spray from Kitty's purse. Puddi stopped short and began to snicker. "Oh, like I'm not coated in hair spray already," Kandi mocked. Puddi grinned widely, held up a finger, and made a little flame dance. "Ooooh nuts," Kandi muttered.

Spritz.

WHOOSH.

"Aaaaaaaah!" Kandi screamed, running in circles as her hair singed. "Brandiiiiiii!"

"Oh my god!" Brandi shrieked, backing into a corner. "Get away from me. Get awaaaaaay!"

Alexis sighed from the confines of Kitty's purse. Not a particularly efficient attack, perhaps, but it seemed to be effective enough. "Come on, girls," he said. "It's not nice to torment dumb blondes. Finish them off, so we can go home."

"I'm not a real blonde!" Kandi howled.

"I don't suppose that's your real nose, either," Kitty sniffed.

"Hey! It's a perfectly good nose! It was expensive."

"That's it," Punkie said. "This is weird, and I'm hungry. Punkie Voracious Independent Determined Tummy Monkeys Rumble!" The ensuing heavy vibrations sent the flaming-haired girls to the floor.

"I'm hungry too. Double Glass Hooker Heels, Impale!" Kitty whipped the heels out of her boots and pinned both Sun-In poster girls down. "There. Now sit there and think about why you were bad!" She picked up her purse and the abandoned magazines. Okay, Lexi, let's go. We have to stop and get some onion rings and wax on the way home, and I'm not allowed to drive after dark."

"You're going to let your dad wax the Bitchmobile again after last time?" the lizard asked cautiously.

"Hardly."

Alexis whimpered and hid his head in the coin compartment.


"There you go, Lexi. All nice and shiny. I bet your bath water will bead nicely on your back for a couple months anyway."

The lizard sulked inside a towel. "You girls have better things to do than torment me now that we have a new enemy. We don't even know anything about this one."

Punkie came into the room with a bowl of sodium-free, organic popcorn, topped with soy butter. "We know they're not really blonde."

"That's a start," Kitty said.

"We know they're highly flammable," Puddin said, with a dreamy look on her face.

"I'm sure if it's important, we'll see them again," Punkin said, eating madly.

"How can you shovel that into your mouth like that," Alexis wondered.

Punkin shrugged. "I'm powering up in case I need to rumble again."

"Ah."

"Lexi?"

"What."

"Can I have some more Pez?"

"No. Finish your onion rings and go to bed. I have a feeling that tomorrow will be a very, very long day."