Sailorkitty Act Six
A plague of fake nuns? Hands across the water, voices from beyond

The Mother Superior gathered the nuns in a supply room in the corner of the convent furthest from the Spluts. "It's almost time for us to make our first move," she announced. "I heard the oddest noises coming from that crazy old man's rooms last night, and I'm tired of fixing his eggs every morning. Soft-boiled. It grates on my nerves!"

"I know what you mean," sighed Flora, shifting her weight off of her sprained ankle.

"What about those three little girls?" Matilda asked. "I don't like the idea of them being caught up in a battle not their own. They might get hurt."

Helga snarled. "So what? All they do is run around all day tormenting the nutria. Have you ever tried to milk a nervous nutria? They scratch you to ribbons! The short one sets everything on fire...the ceilings in every room have smoke stains. The weird one leaves the hutches open every night and lets those wretched little animals loose...."

"Oh, by the way, Mother, we're out of Calamine lotion."

"I'll pick some up later, Flora."

"And the one with the hair...Don't even get me started on her!" Helga continued. "What are they doing here, anyway? No one can reallybelieve that old man is the last symbol of divinity for a dying civilization."

Matilda looked up. "I thought he was supposed to be the predestined Prophet of the sun gods."

"Didn't he write all those books on finding the meaning of life through carbohydrates?"

Mother Superior groaned. "It doesn't matter what he's supposed to be. The general public considers us a bizarre cult and pays no attention. The old man is insane enough that it may change from day to day anyway. If his powers weren't so unpredictable, I would have knifed him in his sleep months ago." She paused in reflection. "To tell you the truth, I don't know why those girls are here. They asked to join us, and it would have looked suspicious to turn them away. And we needed more help with the animals. There is something odd about them, though; I'll give you that much. Especially that lizard. I don't like the way it looks at me...Maybe we can send them on a quest before the fighting begins."

"A quest?"

"To find the Holy Grail or something like that. To prove their worth or innocence or whatever the going phrase is these days."

"Sssh! I think I hear them coming."

Kitty tripped into the room with Alexis on her shoulder and a habitful of meeping nutria. "Where do we keep the extra kibble? Puddi ate the last bag. She likes the teriyaki chicken flavored ones."

Flora sighed. "It's in that barrel in the corner...She doesn't like the barbecue onion chunky style, does she?"

"I don't think so." Kitty filled her pockets with kibble and danced away, leaving a trail of bits behind her.

"The lizard was looking at me again."

"Come on. Back to business. Are the short-range missiles still fresh?"


Alexis talked to himself as the girls threw kibble around to the jumping rodents. "There's just something wrong with those nuns. That big one was looking at me again."

"Hush, Lexi...Can't we just stay here and be fake nuns forever? It's more fun than fighting demons."

"Demon. In the singular. You three have thus far successfully destroyed one demon."

"It was a mean demon...I still think we should have kept it instead of my sister."

"No. We are going to find out what's going on around here, we are going to find the Key Corusca, and you are going to act like intelligent, sane, resourceful Princesses for a change!"

Punkie pouted. "Princesses are shiny, not sane."

"Down, Mr. Furrykins!" Kitty dropped a handful of kibble to her pet. "I don't know where the Key is, and I don't know where to start looking, much less what to do with it if we do find it. We don't remember anything about the enemy except what you've told us, they've only sent the one demon after us so far, there doesn't appear to be any threat to the world at present, and what are you so worked up about?"

Alexis stared at her. "She spouted two compound sentences that did not include the words sparkle, pink, or lipstick. Will wonders never cease."

"Maybe she forgot to take her vitamins."

"Maybe her nail polish expired."


"Maybe it's down here," Kitty said, opening a heavy wooden door at the end of the hall. She started down the stairs, tripped, fell down to the bottom, and burst into tears.

Alexis moaned. "Would you please shut her up before the Psycho-Sisters hear?" Puddin gave her a bag of caramels, and silence was restored. Or near silence. "Do you have to suck those like that?"

"Mmmm?" Slurp.

Alexis sighed. "Never mind." He looked around. "I didn't realize the convent had a basement. There might be something down here after all."

Punkin suddenly stopped. "What's that noise?"

Slurp.

"No, not that one. The other one."

The three girls and the lizard listened carefully to the thickening darkness.

"I can't hear anything. It's too dark."

Alexis opened his mouth but thought better of speaking.

"Here's a light switch thingie." Three hundred torches sprang to life, flames dancing an ominous ballet accompanied by a soft wet sound in the distance.

"Now I hear water."

"I hear another staircase. Over there." Puddin pointed to what appeared to be a hole in the ground. The girls made their way down the steep spiral to the mad scientist's laboratory, leaving a trail of caramel wrappers and burnt matches behind them.

"Ooh look!" Kitty cried. "A little swimming pool!"

At last, the voice thought. I have them within my reach.Princesses, you have walked right into my lair, and now....

"And look at all those shiny rocks and bones and books and stuff!"

"You know what that means!"

Uh-oh....

"The banana pants dance?"

"No bananas."

Alexis drew a huge sigh of relief.

"It's time to play Sink!"

"Girls, no!"

Girls, NO! The voice silently echoed the lizard's plea.

"Lexiiiii, it's fun."

Kitty picked up a book entitled Madame Ahme's Guide to Filthy Eastern Ways and tossed it into the pool with a resounding splash. "I sank Dear Abby!"

Aaaargggh. He wanted so very badly to blast them into the next star system but was reluctant to give up his hiding place.

Punkin threw a phosphorescent plastic bust of Voltaire. "I sank a waffle iron!"

Puddi found a particularly ugly oil painting of a cheetah. "I sank the theory of relativity!"

Oh, my head....

Alexis sighed and huddled under a dollar-store replica of the Taj Mahal. This game tended to hold their interest for quite some time, being both noisy and destructive.

Splash. "I sank a big mean dog!"

Splash. "I sank Scotch tape!"

Oh, my stomach....

Splash. "I sank Capricorn!"

Splash. "I sank a Baby Ruth!"

I think I'm going to be sick....

Splash. "I sank Leonardo diCaprio!"

"Ewwww."

"GOOD."

Now I'm definitely going to be sick.

Puddin and Punkin helped Kitty push a three hundred-pound stone carving of Beelzebub eating a flying carrot to the edge of the pool.

"Almost there...."

Oh....

"A little further...."

...my....

"One, two, three...."

...God....

SPLASH. "I SANK COLUMBUS, OHIO!!!!"

"...Oooopsie."

Uuuuuhhhh....

"There isn't very much water left now, is there."

"Oh well. It was a fun game. We can find another pool or some mud or something later."

"Are you girls quite finished?"

"Sure, Lexi."

"Good. Let's look around here a little more before we go upstairs again."


They are more devious than I had thought, he pondered, alone.Quite clever of them, really. I wonder if...could the old man have told them that disturbing my pool like that while I am in liquid form would leave me unable to attack? Is he in league with them after all? I can feel the crisis approaching...the time for action will be soon. I must just rest now and gather my powers. The old man appeared just then, snickering wildly and holding an armful of petrified Easter eggs.What are you doing...Put those down!

Splash. "I sank fettuccine Alfredo!"

Put them down somewhere else!

Splash.

AAAAAAAAARGH. Of all the evil minions to be saddled with for eternity....

Splash. Splash. Splash. "I sank a flaming sheep, Princess Grace, and a pint of cottage cheese!"

I hate you.


"I just feel that we are too vulnerable to attack," Alexis began. "We still have only a dim idea of what we're doing. If only more of my memory would return...I have a bad feeling. Maybe this wasn't as safe a planet as I had thought...Are you listening to me?"

Kitty looked up from French-braiding Mr. Furrykins. "Of course, shiny Lexi...Are you sure you don't want your claws painted? I have this nice sapphire blue."

"I said no and meant no!" the long-suffering lizard snapped. "That 'Carmine Craze' stuff wouldn't come off for weeks...Pay attention to what I'm saying. You complained about not knowing what to do. Try and remember what happened last time."

Kitty rubbed her hands on the grass. Some of the sink water had dripped on her, and it itched.

"All the fire trucks came and the nice spotted dog helped me chase squirrels around the yard."

"No, Puddi, that was when you set off those bottle rockets in your kitchen."

Alexis continued, talking to himself. "If she had the Key, she might remember, but she can't find the Key until she remembers. I don't remember. Why can't I remember? At this rate, all three of them will end up dead, and then there is no hope..." He trailed off, watching Punkin spoon tofu into a desperately-struggling nutria, and sighed. "Not that there's much hope now. But they are my responsibility; their mothers trusted me, and this is why I was reborn...." He was cut off when Kitty let the beribboned Mr. Furrykins loose and picked him up into her lap.

"Don't worry, pretty lizard, we'll remember when we need to," she said, wiped her hands on her habit, and started scratching him behind the ears." It's sunny here, and we're safe for now. You worry too much."

Maybe she was right. Surely nuns wouldn't tolerate an evil presence. It will be okay, he thought. I'm paranoid. They aren't bad girls, anyway, just careless and inclined to be lazy. The Princesses are the most important thing, the most precious thing. Mmm, that feels good. "Up just a little, and maybe to the left a teeny bit, dearest...." Those fingernails had to be good for something.

Kitty complied, lost in thought. I have to remember for Lexi. I almost can, if I try a little harder. Maybe if I do, he'll let me paint his claws...maybe we can go home...my hands still itch...home was so far away; there was more than one moon, and it was never this dark.... "They're here now."

"Hmmm?"

"They're here. He's here. They're waiting."

"Kitty?"

"Lexi, she looks funny. Like that time she drank a case of grape soda and then went on the trampoline next door."

"More like after she hid in that Hostess delivery truck. Her mom said they got all the way to Milwaukee before the driver found her, and by then they had to carry her out because she couldn't walk."

She didn't look very well, at that. Her eyes weren't quite right. "Kitty?" Princess.

"He's there, in the water...before, when it was so dark and we sealed them away, but we didn't do it, we didn't do it right, and he's back. Mother said, but we waited too long. Too long, Lexi, too long and I don't remember...." She sighed. "But it can't be night yet. It was afternoon when I sat down here, and it will be afternoon when I get up again. Mama will tell me when."

"Leeeeet the sun shine, the suuuuun shine in."

"Mama told me not to come...."

"Girls!"

"Whaaat?"

Kitty blinked, and unconsciously cleaned her hands with her skirt. Where had there been a chinchilla? "Lexi-boo."

"Princess?"

"Is it dinnertime yet? We've been out here an awfully long time."

"I think we might manage an early tea." Maybe they will awaken enough in time...but it doesn't sound like we have much time left.

"Who's here?" Punkin asked.

"Who's where?"

"Who's on first."

"Paul's on first."

"There's going to be a concert?"

"I can play kazoo."

"Yay! Lime Girls can open! Let's do Peaches."

The girls danced back to the convent, while Alexis, riding on Kitty's shoulder, watched the clouds drift across the sky and dug his claws into her habit during the pirouettes.