The almost-soundless patter of tiny claws on a stone floor echoed throughout the airily ancient halls of the castle-turned-convent. Early morning sunlight shone through the glassless windows, turning thousands of floating dust motes into as many muted sparkles. Quiet chanting flowed on the breeze, drying the dew and blowing away the few distant clouds. An overwhelming sense of serene tranquillity settled over the country. For a moment....
"Mr. Furrykiiiiiins!" A somewhat disheveled-looking girl chased after a small, furry animal intent on escape. The four-legged martyr yelped and found new motivation to run as the girl made a grab for its tail. "Come baaaaaaack!" She held up a small pink sailor suit. "I have to see if it fiiiiiiiiits!" Mr. Furrykins put on an extra burst of speed and skidded on the rug into a wall. Kitty pounced on the mentally-abused nutria, determined to make sure her little baby was properly dressed.
"Kitty!" Alexis stood in an open doorway. "Let that poor thing go and get in here."
"Noooooo I love it," Kitty gazed adoringly into Mr. Furrykins' eyes and kissed it on the nose. It whimpered. She stuck the nutria in the pocket of her habit and followed Alexis into a room full of Puddin, Punkin, and cans of Nutria-Yum! brand nutria kibble.
"Ooh what are you doing?"
"We got KP."
"Here. Have a can opener."
"Ooh. It smells like cheese."
"Rather like a well-aged Brie, imported in the summer of 1989 by sea, was my first impression."
"It smells like my dad."
"I would have thought your dad smelled more like a nice Blue Wensleydale."
"There you go with your fancy British cheeses again. Why can't you ever settle for just a Wisconsin Cheddar?"
"No, that's too mild."
"He smells like red Gouda wax."
"Can you make candles with that?"
"Welsh rabbit."
"Those are furry!"
"Only in your fridge, hon."
Alexis rolled his eyes and hid under a table while the Spluts discussed cheese and the various orifices into which it could be safely stuck. Now that they were here, he thought, it was time to begin a serious attempt to find the key that would close the time-space gates and stop the Autumnae from succeeding in their nefarious plot to rule everything in the Known and Unknown Universes. A particularly shrill shriek of Spluttish laughter broke his concentration, and he rolled over to lie in a patch of sun filtering rainbows through a small stained glass window. Perhaps they should begin after lunch.
The Spluts ran back and forth in an open field, their veils and wimples blowing in the fresh summer wind, chasing down nutria to be combed and bathed. Alexis chased after them. "I said we have Sailor business to discuss!"
"We have to catch the furries first!"
"Before they butcher them and skin them for loincloths!"
"I have to get one before my matches get wet!"
"The fate of all the universes is more important than lesser mammals' personal hygiene!"
"They are not lesser mammals! They are cute little pets!"
"They are our downtrodden and repressed little brothers!"
"They're potential fire balls!"
"They're not important at this time."
"Liberation is always important! Even for furry things!"
"Furry things are always important!"
"Fireballs are always important!"
"Saving the Known Universe is important too."
The girls fell silent for a long moment.
"I suppose prevention of the universe being dominated by insane lifeforms from the Unknown Universe is more practical than liberating them after domination."
"Since when are we ever practical?"
"I suppose furry things fall into the category of universe. Save the furries."
"Save them from being coats for Unknowns!"
"I suppose fire is universal."
Alexis breathed a mental sigh of relief. Give them fifteen minutes, they'd talk themselves into anything. "So are we ready?"
"I have to go powder."
"I need my lighter."
"I need my knife."
Alexis saw spots.
Half an hour later, they gathered near the swampy ground where they had landed only days before. "How long is this going to take?" Kitty whined. "Mr. Furrykins needs his manicure." The nutria whimpered and crawled deeper inside her habit. Kitty burst into high-pitched peals of squeaking laughter. "That tickles! Stop it! Stop it stop it stopitstopitstopit!" Her twitching frightened Mr. Furrykins even more, and he began to race around in circles. "Noooo!" Kitty fell over kicking. Alexis closed his eyes. Must not burst any more blood vessels. Must protect Princesses. From themselves.
Mr. Furrykins finally rolled out Kitty's skirts and was shut up in Puddi's oversized matchbox. "Now," Alexis asked calmly, "are we ready?"
"Ready for what?"
"To find the Key."
"What Key?"
Patience. Must remain patient. "The Key to close the dimensional warp so the...."
"So the Blue Meanies can't get through and pour eyeshadow in my bathtub!"
"That must have been the part they cut out of the American release."
"What?"
"Never mind. NMTN."
No mind is right. "Kitty, do you remember what you did with the key?"
"She can't remember what she did with her car keys."
"She can't remember what she did with the car."
"I can too! It's...um...Hey. Why am I supposed to know where the key is?"
"Because you hid it."
"Oh."
"Did you bury it like all the teaspoons?"
"I didn't bury all the teaspoons, just the shiny ones."
"If the key was shiny, she probably buried it."
"I did not...."
While Alexis and the Spluts discussed what in infinity Kitty had done with the Key, the insane old man descended a twisting spiral staircase in the castle's basement to a dungeon far below ground level, which he had made his secret laboratory. The only sources of light were dusty, half-melted candles, and shadows did their best to sneak out of the corners to the middle of the room. The old man made his way to a pool of dark water, cackling to himself and throwing rocks into it as he went.
A deep voice issued from its depths. Stop that. You disturb me.
"Oh. It's you."
Three girls joined your convent yesterday.
The old man thought hard, ate a rat, and failed to remember. "Probably."
Watch them. They pose a threat to our plans.
"Our plans?"
World domination. They want to become Queen before you have a chance.
"No!"
Yes.
He twitched and kicked a disintegrating dragon's head under the table. "How do I stop them?"
Leave it to me. Do as I tell you, and you will yet be Emperor.
"Woo hoo!" The crazy old guy danced back up the stairs.
The voice continued smugly to itself. And with this planet in my hands, the rest of this dimension will soon follow, and with it all the others....
Sister Helga was sweeping the main hall when the weird old man catapulted out of the stairwell into her. "Goddess, Sacred One, but you gave me such a turn!" He laughed himself into hysterics and ran away. She stared after him, an expression of contempt slowly suffusing her features. Idiot<. I'll be more than glad when Mother Superior gives us the word and we can rise up and overthrow him, rotting symbol of selfish aristocracy that he is! The guillotine for him, if I get half a say in the matter! Always running around like a crazed boar....A surprised scream came from somewhere, and she rolled her eyes.
Moments later, Sister Flora limped into the hall. "I swear that wretched old man sprained my ankle this time."
"He knocked me over not minutes ago."
"How much longer do we have to keep this up? My habit chafes."
"Yeah, mine too...and I'm damn sick of cleaning up after those awful nutria. I'm allergic and break out all over hives."
"At least we can pass most of the dirty work off on those new girls."
"Oh yeah, them...What's with that, anyway? Are they with us?"
"I don't think they're part of the revolution. Mum just let them on to keep up appearances."
"I do wish they didn't have that lizard, of all things. Reptiles give me the shakes."
Just then the Spluts bounced in with fifty wet nutria and Alexis. Helga shrieked, "Get it away! Go away! Go! Go!" and began swatting at Alexis with her broom. This excited the nutria, who began to stampede.
"Mmmph mmmph Lexi!" Kitty yelled, submerged in damp running fur.
"Nnnngh lizaaard rrrhk!" the poor woman screamed.
Punkin bit her leg.
"Aaaah!"
Flora scratched her face miserably.
"There's something wrong with those nuns," Alexis muttered once things had calmed down.
"Yeah," Punkie agreed. "That fat one tasted nasty."
Alexis sighed. "No. Nuns don't usually beat animals." Mr. Furrykins squeaked as Kitty filed his claws and applied the first coat of Grotesque Grape polish. "Though there are other forms of animal abuse."
"And they have no appreciation for the finer rituals of destruction." Puddin was still sulking because Sister Flora had put out her "night lights."
Alexis sighed again. "If one is hiding somewhere, it is a good idea not to torch the place. Or to incite riots," he added, looking at Punkin.
"Whaaaat? They were going to shave them! They would get cold!"
"It's high summer!"
"How would you like it if someone tried to pull your scales off?"
"They'll grow new fur."
"Can we burn off the old fur?"
"Hold still, Mr. Furrykins, you're going to smudge it."
"Um...Puddi has that look again."
"No! Put the nail polish remover down!"
"Now Lexi has that look again."
"Somebody better put out his tail."
The voice conversed with its reflection deep underwater. Has their bloodline degenerated this much over the years? Do they still present a danger? If they do, they disguise themselves very well. Perhaps their very innocence is the best indicator that they are the Princesses hiding...and the lizard...
Here his monologue was interrupted by the splash of a huge rock thrown from twenty feet.
Cut that out!!!
The crazy old man snickered and blew his nose.