"You have got to be kidding." The three girls stared at Alexis in shock.
"Have I ever been kidding yet?"
"No, unfortunately," Kitty moaned. "I don't want to go."
"Don't want to go?" Alexis asked. "Come on. This is your big chance."
"Oh sure," Puddin muttered. "I've always wanted to be sucked into an alternate dimension and be a nutria herder."
"What exactly is a nutria?" Punkin asked cautiously.
Alexis thought for a moment. "I think it's some kind of small rodent-like mammal. They raise them for fur and food."
"I thought it was chicken food."
Puddin suddenly burst into song. "Feed your chicks Nutrena, Nuuuuuuutrena, it's the best feed that money can buy!"
"I am not eating nutria," Kitty glared at Alexis. "Look. I think I've been pretty good about all this. You tell us we're the reincarnated Princess-senshi sworn to protect the galaxy from evil for all eternity, and I was okay with that, right? You said we'd have to risk bloody death and travel through time-space and sacrifice ourselves over and over again for love and righteousness and all that junk because of some promise we made half a billion years ago, and I didn't cry, right? And that with time we'll remember our destinies and regain the pride and strength of a senshi?"
Alexis nodded.
She continued. "But this...is too much. You're dragging us off to some backwater planet in some alien dimension and what if I can't find a decent nail polish remover?" At this, she burst into tears.
"Oh God," Punkin whimpered. "That never occurred to me."
Puddin said under her breath, "This is never going to work...."
Alexis looked at the three of them sadly for a moment, and then his face lit up like a party bulb on Saturday night. "I forgot to tell you the best part!"
Kitty blew her nose and glared at him. "Oh, what? The place is populated with leprous math teachers who speak in tongues?"
Alexis gritted his teeth and forced a snicker. "No, no. You'll like this. We're going to stay in a convent!"
The girls quit whining. Their mouths dropped open. "Nuns...!" Kitty whispered. "I've always fancied myself in a habit."
Punkin suddenly screamed insanely. "Pseudo nuns! Pseudo nuns! Go go pseudo nun, attack!"
Alexis breathed a sigh of relief. It would be so much easier this way. "It's the best place for us to go. We need somewhere quiet and out of the way for you to train as senshi until your full powers are awakened...who knows how long that will take."
Puddin bit her thumb at him. "I know how long it will take. But I think the sun will go nova before then."
The Spluts stood in a circle in Kitty's back yard, Alexis sitting in the center surrounded by backpacks, suitcases, hatboxes, and various other items of luggage. Kitty clutched a sparkly silver makeup case to her chest and whimpered. "I still don't see why I couldn't bring the trunk."
Alexis glared at her. "We are going to be masquerading as nuns. Nuns do not need a twenty-three piece matching vacation wardrobe, no matter how tasteful the shade of lavender, nor do they require forty-two pairs of identical red high heels."
Kitty sulked. "I like to be prepared for anything. And they're not identical. Some are more glittery."
Alexis rolled his eyes. "Nuns don't need any red high heels, with or without glitter. Now, are we ready?"
The Spluts nodded. Puddin sneezed. Punkin spat out a bug.
"Okay then! Minna henshin yo!"
The girls stared at him blankly.
"What?"
"I think he coughed."
"Ooooh. He speaks in tongues just like Daddy!"
Alexis sighed. "Make Up, my little Maybelline girls."
"Oh. Kay. Shiny Pleather Hotpants Power!"
"Magic Bondage Euphoria, Transform!"
"Perky Princess Power, Make Up!"
The Spluts did their transformation scene with little trouble, although Kitty tripped over her hooker boots as they laced themselves up and Puddin inhaled a little too much dust and had to blow her nose on her fuku. When Alexis was done closing his eyes and counting to ten, they looked at him expectantly.
"All right," he said, "now hold hands and repeat after me. Princess...Rainbow...Bubble...Teleport!"
The Spluts snickered. "Princess rainbow bubble?"
"Just say it!" Alexis screamed.
"Okay, okay...Princess Rainbow Bubble Teleport." Through the mad giggles, a vibrant hum filled the air, and the Spluts faded out of sight with Alexis and all their paraphernalia.
From underneath an overturned bucket in the garden, McKenzie let out a deep sigh of relief and decided to find a patch of sun while the coast was clear.
The Spluts-tachi rematerialized in midair, somewhere dark and cool. The wind was dry and smelled vaguely of sweet smoke. Faint yelling and strange animal noises could be heard in the distance. The sky was cloudless and packed with stars much more densely than the night sky normally seen from Earth. Puddin landed on Punkin. Punkin landed on Kitty. Kitty landed on Alexis. Alexis landed on something wet. All their entourage landed gently on a pile of diamond-shaped leaves.
Kitty was about to burst into hysterical wails, afraid that her hatbox of nail polish had been cracked in the fall, but Alexis slammed a claw over her mouth and politely told her to shut up. "Listen," he said under his breath. The Spluts tilted their heads until Punkin whispered loudly that she could feel her brain slipping. Alexis said something else under his breath, and Kitty poked him.
"Sssshh," Puddin said.
"Get down," Alexis hissed. The Spluts flattened themselves into the something wet. Less than twenty-three seconds later, a herd of small animals stampeded by, driven by women wearing habits. Upon sighting then, Kitty let out a squeal, cut short by Alexis clawing her head.
One of the small animals broke away from the group and headed straight for them. "Ooh look, it's furry," Punkin giggled.
"I want it," Kitty whined.
"I wonder if it's flammable," Puddin pondered.
"No," Alexis yelled. The women looked up, and one called to the errant animal. It howled, sniffed around the hiding Spluts, and went back to the herd, which proceeded on its way. "That was close," the lizard breathed.
"What was the furry?"
"That was a nutria."
"They eat those??"
"Nutrena, Nuuuuutrena...."
"I'm not eating that! It has eyes!"
"If you were a pie, would you...."
"No!"
"Nutria are valued for their delicate flavor. Tastes like chicken."
"That's so disgusting!"
"Were those the nuns?"
"Where's my makeup case?"
"Those were the nuns."
"We have to liberate the nutria!"
"Where's the convent? How do we infiltrate and conquer? And do they have fire alarms?"
"Where's my makeup case?"
"The nuns live in an abandoned castle, which should be located a mile or so from here. We should find...a dry place...to sleep tonight. Tomorrow we can get you airheads to see the Mother Superior."
"And we can plot to free the nutria from their bloody fates!"
"And find some matches!"
"I WANT MY MAKEUP!"
The sought-after makeup case suddenly fell out of the sky onto Alexis' head.
"There it is!"
When Alexis regained consciousness the next morning, the Spluts were scattered about creating chaos as usual. Punkin and Kitty were beating each other with breakfast, and Puddin was trying to set them on fire with a small mirror. He debated yelling at them but reflected that it never seemed to do any good. "Come on, brats, let's go."
As they neared the convent, they could hear manic laughter growing louder and more frenzied. "What's that?" Puddin asked Alexis.
"This planet has recently been taken over by an insane old man who is determined to turn the rest of the galaxy into his own personal Empire."
"Oooh Puddin, like your dad!"
"The nuns serve as a sort of cult following for him. When all three moons are full, they sacrifice the most promising nutria."
"Save the nutria!"
"Do they burn it?"
"I want a nutria. I will name it Mr. Furrykins."
"What if it's a girl?"
"What if? I can dress it up in little coordinating skirt sets and put little red shoes on it...."
Alexis sighed. "We did not come here to torture the indigenous wildlife. We came here to train you spluts as senshi."
"I like to say nutria. Nutria nutria nutria."
Alexis had a headache.
The Mother Superior looked back and forth at the Spluts. "So you would like to join us and dedicate your life to the Grand High Exalted One as have we?"
"Um, sure, nice lady."
"Yeah, what she said."
"Do you have anything to eat?"
The Mother pushed over a small bowl of mixed nuts sitting on her desk. Puddin ate three and spit out a pecan. Punkin stuck one up her nose and tried to do the same to Kitty, who bit her. The Mother glanced over at the nuns guarding the door to her office and smiled. "Bring the Great One in to consecrate these young ones, and bring the bowl of Holy Nutria Milk."
Kitty whimpered. Punkin growled. Puddin ate nuts.
Ten minutes later, the strange laughter could be heard coming down the hall. A twisted, gray-haired man rolled in, clutching a bubbling test tube and a jar of paint. An awed-looking nun followed him, reverently holding a golden, jewel-encrusted bowl of purple-tinged milk. "Oh good," Puddin smiled. "These nuts are salty."
"Okay girls," the Mother said briskly. "Sit on the floor." Puddin and Punkin sat down. Kitty was already on the floor, having tripped over a dropped nut some time before. "All right, Oh Wise One, these girls would like to join your flock of Enlightenment." The old man cackled. Kitty hid behind Puddin. Alexis, hiding in her pocket, moaned. Punkin dropped a nut down to him. He threw it back at her. "May the blessing of the Sacred One weigh upon your shoulders and the nutria never turn against you. Amen." The Mother sprinkled them each with nutria milk. Kitty sneezed. Punkin spat. Puddin licked her lips. The old man chuckled and added a drop of milk to the contents of his test tube, which overflowed and ate a hole through the floor. He then turned around and ran back out. The Mother gazed after him, then shook her head. "Matilda, find habits for these girls and take them out to the nutria fields. They can start as herders." Matilda curtsied and led the Spluts downstairs to the fitting room.
Kitty ran out to the fields, her habit blowing in the breeze, the bells tied to her hooker boots ringing gently. "Ooooooh look at all the furries!" she cried. "Which one is Mr. Furrykins?"
"Whichever runs the slowest," Alexis muttered from her shoulder.
Punkin found a clump of nutria and started hiding them under her habit. "The more we can sneak inside, the less get eaten."
Kitty pounced on an unsuspecting nutria and hugged it tightly. "You're Mr. Furrykins!" It squeaked frantically as she put it in her pocket. "There there, Mr. Furrykins. You have a mommy now."
Alexis snickered and then sighed. "Oh well. It's quiet out here, anyway. Maybe I can train you at least well enough to keep your shoes tied."
Puddin tripped. Alexis grimaced. "At least we're safe for now."
The manic laughter rang through the hills, followed by a small explosion.
"Just like home," Kitty sighed happily, and squeezed Mr. Furrykins.
Squeak.