Sailorkitty Act 1
"Princesses in bellbottoms! The magic golden lizard"

"McKenzie! Noooo!" A long-haired girl came running out of her house and into the street, chasing a small green chameleon. "Come baaaaack!" Intent upon her prey, she did not notice the other two girls walking toward her until all three were in a pile on the sidewalk. McKenzie, meanwhile, made her joyful escape.

Kitty moaned. "That's the third one that's gotten away this year."

"Take it as a sign," Puddin advised. "Get a gerbil."

Punkin poked her sharply. "Um, after the hamster incident?"

"Oh yeah. Never mind."

Kitty sat down in the grass and cried. "I want a pet that loves me and won't run away and will play with me even at three-thirty in the morning when I'm hyper and full of cheesecake and diet Coooooke!"

"She doesn't want a pet, she wants a gimpy boyfriend."

"No, I want something I can hide in my pocket."

"A midget gimpy boyfriend?"

Kitty glared at them. "No. Something that can't sue me for damages."

Puddin and Punkin kicked her. "Get up and quit whining. We're bored."

Kitty blew her nose on Puddin's jeans and stood up. "Kay spluts, what do you want to do?"

Punkin thought for a minute. "Go on a road trip across the country in a grooving old blue convertible and shoot people and hold up convenience stores and blow up trucks on the way?"

Kitty sighed. "That's been done."

Puddin jumped up and down. "Ooh ooh I know! Let's go to a park and dig holes in the sand under the swings with our feet until we find buried treasure."

"The only treasure in the sand in the park was put there by cats and I do not want to dig it up with my feet."

"Icky icky." They sat on the street corner and thought some more.

"I have a headache," Kitty whined. "Let's get ice cream until we think of something to do."

"Yay yay onion rings and slushies!"

"We better walk. We're going to get all fat and icky like my grandma."

"Your grandma?"

Punkin giggled. "Yo' momma."

"No, yo' momma," Puddin said.

"Both yo' mommas. Let's go."

As they ran through back yards, gutters (where Punkin stopped to talk to some old acquaintances), fields, and abandoned cars, a pair of shining golden eyes followed them, unbeknownst to our dearly beloved followers of Splut...

 

Later that afternoon, at Puddin's house, as the Spluts went through the contents of her kitchen, the eyes blinked unseen outside the window. Kitty poured herself some Grape Nuts, reading the side of the box. "Serving size, one half cup." She looked down at the overflowing bowl. "That's the size of my serving, so...I guess that's one half cup."

"Sure. Why not," Punkin said, mauling a box of peanut butter cups.

Puddin gazed at them in fascination. "Where do you put all that?"

"In my hollow leg...or was that in my hollow head...."

"Inside my stomach is a secret warp to another dimension. All the food I put there goes away so I have to feed it more."

"Is that anything like the warp in your bathroom?"

"Yeah, only that one spits stuff up instead of taking it away."

The shining eyes blinked slowly. Alternate dimensions. Could they already know...?

Kitty cried as Punkin snatched the cookies out of her hand. "Butt pirate!"

Probably not.

 

The next day, the Spluts went for a walk to visit their favorite cows, still followed by the golden eyes. "Oooh look at the brown one!" Punkin squealed.

"Which brown one?" Kitty asked.

"The one with two eyes."

"I like the spotted one," Puddin said.

"Which spotted one?"

" The one with three eyes."

"Oooh. Neat."

As the girls hung over the fence admiring their bovine friends, the tall grass along the gravel road waved gently in the air, as with a mild spring breeze. But it was a still day. Something was crawling there out of sight. A snake? A small animal? The lost and mourned McKenzie? Or something else....

The movement of the grasses caught Kitty's eye. She pulled on Puddin. "What's that?"

Puddin giggled madly. "Look at the grass. It's undulating."

Punkin contemplated this. "Pulsating almost."

Kitty whimpered. "Stop it stop it stop it. Whatever it's doing, why is it doing?"

"Because it wants to."

"No, I mean really."

"I don't know."

"Find out. Poke it with a stick."

"You poke it."

"Poke it with a banana."

Kitty and Punkin stared.

"I don't have a pointed stick."

Punkin went through her pockets. "Me neither."

Kitty dug in her purse. "I have...a lot of gum...mostly chewed, a mirror, my compact, six kinds of LipSmackers, an old banana jellybean...it's sticky... Punkin I hate you...a spoon, and a quarter."

Puddin grinned evilly. "I have coupons in my pocket."

Punkin shuddered. "I didn't know you were that kind of girl."

"But I got them from you, don't you remember? At your last half-price sale."

While Puddin and Punkin argued over which one of the two was the biggest fast-food whore, Kitty got up all her courage. She watched the waving until it stopped and seemed to be listening to the fighting. Silently, she pulled the spoon out of her purse, licked it to remove any remaining slushie sticky, got down on the ground, and quickly shoved it where the lurking creature lay.

"Aaaaaah!"

Kitty jumped back, and Puddin and Punkin ended their debate with final yo-momma's. "What was that?" Punkin asked.

"I poked something with a spoon," Kitty replied calmly.

"You know what happened last time you did that," Puddin sighed.

"But this isn't a policeman," Kitty explained.

"Oh. Okay. What is it?"

"I don't know. Look."

Punkin pulled salad tongs out of her back pocket. Kitty and Puddin stared at her. "Oh, like you never carry these around." She pounced on the rustling weeds and pulled something out. The Spluts gasped. Punkin held by the tail, in tongs, a rather ticked-off looking shiny golden lizard, almost two feet long.

Kitty's eyes grew large and round. "Oh. Wow. That's better than McKenzie. I want it. Gimme." Punkin handed her the lizard, who struggled in her arms. "Oooh. It's all warm."

The lizard moaned. "I'm cold-blooded."

Kitty's eyes got bigger. "Ooh. I'm hearing the voices again!"

Puddin giggled. "No, I hear them too."

So did Punkin. "Maybe our moms put those neat pills in our slushies again."

The lizard grimaced in pain or annoyance. "Put me down, Princess."

Kitty's eyes almost fell out of her head. "Ummm...Mr. Holtz?!"

"No, Kitty, I'm not your physics teacher. My name is Alexis...."

Puddin poked him with the spoon.

"Aaaah! Cut that out!"

Kitty set Alexis down carefully and sat on the gravel. A cow mooed in the distance, a cool wind came from the southeast, and a cloud passed over the sun. "How appropriate." Alexis shook himself all over and fluffed his scales. "That's better."

Something occurred to Punkin. "How come you can talk?"

"How come you can talk?"

The Spluts lapsed into rippling thought. "Um. Cause a little magic fairy lives in our throats and she plays a little magic piccolo and it makes little magic talking noises?"

Kitty bounced. "Ooh, like the magic fairy that makes the light come on in Punkin's fridge?"

Alexis sighed. "Sure. Whatever. Anyway, listen now. There is a shadow approaching this dimension, and...."

Kitty sighed too. "Oopsie. Did I knock my eyeshadow into the bathtub again? Last time it made these big green and gray spots and it looked like a frog had crawled in there and...."

"I don't doubt it," Alexis smiled through clenched teeth. "But that's not what I'm talking about. I mean a shadow of evil."

The girls were quiet for a moment. "So it was Punkin that spilled her eyeshadow?"

Alexis exhaled. "No eyeshadow. Let me rephrase this. Icky mean bad things want to come hurt a lot of people."

More silence. "They're going to poison our eyeshadow?"

Alexis growled as only a lizard can. "Yeah. That's it. Lots of icky mean bad things are going to come poison your eyeshadow and give you all fatal eye fungus."

Kitty screamed in horror. "No! That's awful! That's inhumane! What can we do to stop it?"

Punkin turned even paler. "Poison? Eyeshadow!? That's...disgusting!"

Puddin's jaw was set in a grim line. "This...cannot be allowed. Something must be done, and soon."

"That's the spirit. Now. As I am sure you are well aware, you three are not normal girls..."

"Mommy says I'm special."

Alexis coughed. "Um. Yes. If I may continue?"

The Spluts smiled angelically.

Alexis rolled his eyes. "Thank you. As I was saying, you three are not your average run-of-the-mill adolescent misfits." Punkin snickered. Alexis glared. Silence. "You are Sailor senshi destined to save the galaxy and all its dimensions from complete and utter destruction. Forces of darkness are presently working their way out of a dimensional warp into this system. It is up to you to fight and conquer them before they disrupt time-space any further." Someone tittered. "Otherwise there is no hope left for anything in this world or any other…" He trailed off, realizing he was talking to himself.

"Looky. That cloud looks like a turnip."

"Ooh, you're right."

"That one looks like a fork."

Alexis began to turn an unnatural shade of red. "You're not paying attention!"

"Of course we are, pretty lizard," Kitty murmured absent-mindedly, making a necklace of clover chains. "Sailor senshi...galaxy...dimensions...complete and utter destruction...warp...time-space..."

Alexis sighed in a resigned manner. "I suppose the only way to get your attention is to show you what I mean." He blinked three times, and three locket compacts appeared in the air. "Here. Each one of you gets one of these."

"Oooh pretty," Kitty breathed. "Shiny."

"Yes, yes, shiny," Alexis said impatiently. "Now everyone open your lockets and yell your magic transformation phrases."

"What are they?" Punkin asked.

Alexis was amazed. "An intelligent question. Who'd have thought. Princess, I do not know. Look deep into your hearts, and you will remember."

Punkin thought for a moment. "Shiny Pleather Hotpants Power!" After a blinding flash of light and pink smoke, standing where Punkin had been was a girl wearing a pink Sailor-fuku, fishnets, and shiny hooker boots. "Kinky!" she exclaimed happily.

"Sailoraurora," Alexis whispered.

Kitty stared, and Puddin yawned, scratching herself, and sighed loudly. "My turn? Okay...um...ooh I know! Magic Bondage Euphoria, Transform!"

A loud noise, rather reminiscent of an overweight chipmunk sneezing underwater, finished shattering the calm country day. When everyone rubbed the dust out of their eyes, Puddin danced proudly before them in a green and blue plaid Sailor-fuku with matching plaid boots.

"Sailor Arsenic Butterfly," Alexis almost smiled.

The two new Sailors and Alexis turned around and watched Kitty expectantly. She looked over her shoulder and then back at them. "Oh," she said weakly. "Me now?" Lost in thought, she stared at the sky until she suddenly jumped, popped open her compact, and... "Perky Princess Power, Make Up!" A delightful transformation sequence followed, complete with unrealistic bodily contortions and flying purple ribbons. Finally Kitty stood before them again, resplendent in her lovely lavender Sailor-fuku and spike-heeled boots.

"And Sailorkitty," Alexis finished quietly. "Princesses, at last you will find your true destiny."

Kitty poked Punkin and whispered. "Punkin. I am your father." All three dissolved into manic laughter.

Alexis groaned. Kitty picked up her clover necklace and wound it around him. "Don't worry, pretty lizard, it'll all be okay. We'll fight if you want us to fight."

Punkin added, "Or we won't fight if you don't want us to. Whatever it is that will make you happy, we'll do it."

Puddin laughed harder. "George is dead. Got any gum?"

The enclovered lizard sighed. "It will be a long, hard journey, but you are the reincarnated Princess-senshi of long ago and you are the only hope...."

"Then we're all doomed," Kitty said cheerfully, "so let's go have more slushies while we can." This idea met with great approval from the other Spluts, so off they went, dragging Alexis along behind.