Shiny Money Lost! A new ally found!
A Sailorkitty fanfic by Rana
Kitty, Punkin, and Biskit were involved in their favorite pastime; namely, finding a new way to drive Alexis insane.
"Girls, you promised you’d train today!"
"But, Lexie, they have strawberries!" Kitty cried, dragging Alexis into the grocery store with Punkin and Biscuit. They all ran to the produce aisle.
"Oooh, look at all the pretty strawberries!" Punkin cried.
"I want to make strawberry shortcake!" Biskit yelled.
"Let’s buy lots and lots!" Kitty said. Then she pulled out her pockets. "Um, I have 20 cents and a stick of gum."
Punkin pulled out her pockets as well. "I have a piece of string, and eyeshadow."
Biskit did the same. "I have 2 pennies."
Alexis brightened. Maybe there was a way out of this. "That’s not enough for you Spluts to buy strawberries with."
"It’s not?" all 3 Spluts said simultaneously.
"No, it’s not. However, if we go home right now and start training, we can come back tonight and I’ll buy strawberries for you then."
"But I want them now," Kitty whined.
"You want what now?" said a voice behind the Spluts. They turned to see Chamelaeon, a.k.a. Sailorwombat, another of the senshi that guarded Earth. With him was his guardian lizard, Patrick.
"I want to buy lots and lots of lovely shiny strawberries, so we can make strawberry shortcake. But we don’t have enough money to buy any." Kitty said, and batted her eyes.
Punkin nudged Biskit. "That sugar whore."
Kitty whirled. "I am NOT!!" She and Punkin started bitch-slapping each other. Cham whistled and yelled, "Catfight!" Biskit started taking bets from passing customers.
"Patrick, old buddy, you got off easy with just having one Sailor to worry about." Alexis sighed.
Patrick just gave him a Look. "That’s what you think."
* * * * *
Later, 4 somewhat battered, but happy Spluts walked out of the grocery store, followed by their long suffering Guardians. All of the Spluts were happily munching on strawberries.
Kitty was hanging onto Chamelaeon’s arm. "Thank you sooooo much for buying us shiny strawberries," she said, and kissed him.
Chamelaeon turned a wonderful shade of crimson. "Um, er, um, you’re welcome," he sputtered.
"Kitty!" said a new female voice. "That poor boy is redder than my sister’s ass after I give it a good whupping! What did you do to him?" This caused Chamelaeon to blush harder, and Kitty to turn indignantly.
"I didn’t do anything…..Prof? Is that you?" Kitty said, as she saw the newcomer, a tall woman with shoulder length brown hair and green eyes.
"Who else would it be?" Prof said, laughing. "You know I had to show up at least once to harass you guys during the summer." She turned to Chamelaeon. "Punkin and Biscuit I know. But who are you?"
"I’m Chamelaeon. Um, nice to meet you….Prof?"
"It’s a nickname. Short for Professor Moriarity."
"Ah."
Just then, a very strange girl with chin length reddish brown hair walked up. "I can play ‘Sexy Motherfucker’ by Prince. And I will." Then she walked off.
The Splut stared after her.
"That was weird, even for us," Biscuit said finally.
"Yeah." Kitty agreed.
"Does she have to follow me everywhere?" Prof grumbled.
The Spluts stared at her. "You know her?"
"Yeah. That’s Dorkgirl. She follows me around at college, and sometimes even shows up in my room, like she lives there or something. She also---" Prof was cut off by a scream from the bank conveniently placed next to the grocery store. "Stop, Thief!"
The Spluts saw a large youma run out of the bank with two huge sacks.
"We need to investigate!" Patrick and Alexis said simultaneously.
"Oh, fine," Kitty whined. The female Spluts pulled out their compacts, and Chamelaeon pulled out his Power Pendant.
"No, wait!" Alexis and Patrick cried, again in unison.
"Shiny Pleather Hotpants Power!"
"Magic Bondage Euphoria, Transform!"
"Perky Princess Power, Makeup!"
"SUPERFLUOUS PYROPHILIC TROGLODYTE BUSBARN! SAILORWOMBAT, AWAY!"
Four nifty transformation sequences later, 4 Sailorspluts stood where Kitty, Punkin, Biscuit, and Chamelaeon had stood before. Sailorkitty, Sailoraurora, Sailorarsenicbutterfly, and Sailorwombat.
"Um, you probably shouldn’t have done that in front of the civilian," Alexis said, gesturing to Prof.
But instead of passing out in shock, Prof smiled inscrutably, and pulled out a crystal earring.
"Fur-lined leather handcuff power!"
One more nifty transformation sequence later, and a new Sailorsplut stood where Prof had. She wore elbow length black gloves, thigh high black boots, black hotpants, and a black halter. (In fact, if the Sailorspluts happened to be a parody of a popular anime, instead of being original, one might say that the new Sailorsplut’s outfit looked a lot like a Sailorstarlight’s outfit.)
The other Sailorspluts looked at her in shock.
"Huh?" Kitty asked.
"I’m Sailordomme. Senshi of all things sexually deviant. And that thing was definitely deviant. So let’s go get it." Sailordomme ran after the youma.
"Is there any way you could get an outfit like that?" Sailorwombat asked Sailorkitty. She just glared at him and ran after Sailordomme. Sailorarsenicbutterfly and Sailoraurora followed her. Sailorwombat shrugged and took off after them.
They caught up to Sailordomme and Sailorkitty at the corner. Sailordomme was examining something on the ground.
"Well, now we know what the youma took, at least."
"What?" asked Kitty.
"Some of those new state quarters. The Georgia ones. See, look," said Sailordomme, as she held up two quarters.
"You mean that evil youma stole the pretty new quarters with PEACHES on them! It must die!" Sailorkitty screeched. "It’s bad enough that it had to steal SHINY money, but no, it had to take the SHINY money with PEACHES on it!!!!!!! I won’t forgive it!!" she started off after it again.
Sailordomme held her back. "Be sensible, Kitty," she said, not noticing the simultaneous snorts from Patrick and Alexis. "The youma’s too far ahead. We can’t catch it on foot."
"Then what can we use?" Kitty whined.
Just then, the ice cream truck stopped at the stop sign at the corner. All the Spluts looked at each other. Then Sailorwombat and Sailordomme leaped into the truck and wrestled Mr. Ice Cream Man onto the street. The rest of the Spluts climbed in. Sailorkitty got into the driver’s seat and sped off after the youma.
"We promise we’ll bring the truck back, Mr. Ice Cream Man," Sailoraurora yelled out the window.
A delightful car chase followed, complete with driving on two wheels, death-defying leaps over chasms, and shooting. Of course, it was the youma shooting lasers out of it’s eyes, and not villains shooting guns, but it was close enough.
"I think I’m going to be sick," Sailorarsenicbutterfly said to Sailorsaurora.
"Yeah. Why did we ever let Kitty behind the wheel?"
"I heard that!"
Finally, the Sailorspluts cornered the youma in an alley. They climbed out of the ice cream truck, still somewhat shaken from the chase.
"Give back the SHINY money!" Sailorkitty cried.
The youma just growled.
"Domme love-pain whip!" Sailordomme cried. A glowing whip formed between her hands. She used it to snatch the sacks away from the youma.
The youma growled again, then split in half.
"Yay! You killed it!" Sailorkitty said, jumping up and down and clapping her hands. But then the each of the halves split in half again. And again. Soon, six smaller but still deadly youmas faced the Sailorspluts.
"Aurora northern light beam!" Sailoraurora cried, and blasted one of the youma.
"Butterfly wing wind!" Sailorarsenicbutterfly said, and blew another youma into the wall, where it cracked and turned into dust.
"Big-Ass Wombat Gun" Sailorwombat yelled, and a huge gun appeared in his hands. He used it to blow away one of the youma.
"Shiny glass hooker heels, Impale!" Sailorkitty shrieked, did a cool front flip, and speared one of the youma on her spike heels.
"Domme love-pain whip!" Sailordomme cried, and used her whip to kill the two remaining youma.
But then the youma pieces began to grow. Soon their were even more youma in front of the Sailorspluts (like the movie Fantasia and the brooms).
"Princess, catch," Alexis cried, throwing a sparkly blue glass kaleidoscope to Sailorkitty. "Say, Sparkly Blue Hallucination!"
"Sparkly Blue Hallucination!" In an astounding set of special effects that I’m not going to describe here because it would make you jealous because you didn’t get to see it, the youma were obliterated.
* * * * *
Bob the Ice Cream Man was having a bad day. Some crazy teenagers in fukus and spandex had hijacked his truck. Just then, his truck appeared in front of him in a flash of rainbow light.
"Wha….huh?" he said, but then decided not to question his luck. He climbed in. Perfect! The keys were even in the ignition. He saw a note tacked to the mirror. It read:
Dear Mr. Ice Cream Man,
Thank you for letting us use you truck. We needed it to stop an evil creature that stole shiny money.
Signed,
The Sailorspluts
PS- The ice cream is delicious
"What?" he asked again, and then looked in his freezer and groaned. About half of his stock was gone.
Meanwhile, the Spluts were happily munching on various ice cream treats.
"This is even better than strawberry shortcake!" Biskit cried happily.
"Yep!" agreed Punkin.
Kitty and Cham were sitting next to each other and shyly glancing at each other when they thought the other one wasn’t looking. This went on for quite some time, until Prof got disgusted with them.
"Oh, would you guys just go somewhere and make the beast with two backs already!"
Kitty narrowed her eyes. "You have insulted my honor. There is only one way to resolve this…"she quickly picked up an unopened ice cream bar and tore off the wrapper. "FOOD FIGHT!!!!" she screamed, throwing the bar at Prof.
"Why you…." Prof said, and threw back a chocolate éclair. Soon everyone was throwing ice cream at each other, except for the two guardian lizards. They ran and hid in the bushes.
"Why us?" they said simultaneously again, and rolled their eyes.
Just then, they were nailed by a stray cherry slushie.
~fin~
Author’s Notes:
Biskit is the same character as Puddin in the Sailorkitty stories. I refuse to call Puddin by that name. Long story, but I still won’t do it.
Youma- Japanese for demon
Questions, comments, death threats? Send them to archmage_rana@hotmail.com