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The Muggs Report was last edited on May 18, 2003.


Vicious Attacks End With Cheap Funeral

It's time to call it like it is: this web site suffered a lot of vicious attacks over the years, including deletion of content from 1999 to 2002, resetting its counter, junk e-mail floods, and even its removal from the web! Alas, these attacks are at an end. Carmine "Bud" Mennella died in 2002, taking his mean-spiritedness and vulgar tongue with him. Here's the URL: http://www.naplesnews.com/02/03/florida/d152374a.htm
We're gonna miss ya, Bud!


Vicious Attack on J. Fred Muggs!

It's time to call it like it is: a vicious, vulgar man is staging a vicious vulgar attack on me, J. Fred Muggs. It seems this creature has copyrighted my name and is now threatening me for using it! Think I'm kidding? Read the contents of his e-mails to me:

Hello,

My name is Carmine Mennella, I am one of the owners/partners of J. Fred Muggs, and J. Fred Muggs Enterprises. I am trying my best to figure out why or what you are doing, using my chimpanzees' name. I hope you realize that J. Fred Muggs is a copyrighted, registered trademark!

Carmine "Bud" Mennella
J. Fred Muggs Enterprises

[My reply: And for your information, I'm the holder of the copyright and registered trademark of the name Carmine Mennella, who is MY chimpanzee. Wanna trade? --JFM]

Hi As-----!

I really don't know what you are trying to pull, but I don't think it is funny. You will be hearing from my attorney. If you would like to check out my J. Fred Muggs Enterprises Auctions on ebay. Just look for those that the seller is rbj43.

I am serious, you are not. I cannot tolerate such ignorance.

Carmine Mennella
J. Fred Muggs Enterprises

You know I thought about your rude email, and I thought I would send you a photo of my chimpanzee J. Fred Muggs, You do know that you insulted me, you had the wrong approach. I don't think you are funny at all. And I fully intend to do something about it. I own J. Fred Muggs, he is still alive at age 47, I am completely dedicated to him, and his care, and I cannot or will not allow you to make a mockery of him. I am very serious. He is a registered copyrighted trademark, and you have no right to play the game you are playing. Do your homework and check it out! If you are smart you will change your attitude.

Carmine "Bud" Mennella
J. Fred Muggs Enterprises

Here is his e-mail address, in case you want to tell him what you think of his language and manners: RBJ242143@aol.com


"Senator Hillary Clinton?"

It's time to call it like it is: Hillary Clinton (or whatever last name she is using today) has just removed all doubt that she is a shameless, two-bit, power-hungry carpetbagger and opportunist. Suddenly she realizes her philandering husband is going to be out of work in 18 months, and she decides she'd just love to be senator from somewhere. So she goes searching for a state that will have a vacant seat in 2000, and decides to go "listen" to the voters there for awhile. And this will qualify her to be senator from a state in which she's never even lived? Maybe I could go listen to the people of Outer Mongolia for awhile and be their President! If you're really listening, Hillary, get this: you are an annoyingly craven woman. Try getting a real job and doing real work for a change. Maybe your over-inflated head would then come down to normal proportions and people could stand you.


The Kurds

It's time to call it like it is: The Kurds are the largest ethnic group in the world without a state. There are 25 million of them! They deserve a state, and they will get one, one way or another. Now is the time for the 5 countries with largely Kurdish areas to grant them autonomy and help them prepare for unification of those areas and ultimate independence after a transition period of 10 years or so. The alternative is endless bloodshed. Wake up already!

Acquital

It's time to call it like it is: Bill Clinton should not make the mistake of equating his acquital in the Senate with acceptance of his predatory, amoral behavior or his infinite hair-splitting ways with the truth. Most people are disgusted by his behavior, and history will judge him very harshly. Frankly, I think he'd have done himself and the country a favor if he had resigned after his acquital (but not before, for fear of giving that equally predatory obsessed creature Kenneth Starr a feeling of vindication).

Illiteracy

It's time to call it like it is: Sadly, a very large percentage of Americans are functionally illiterate. They can't put together a comprehensible writen sentence. Their spelling is atrocious. They have little command of grammar. They can't even punctuate properly. (The possessive apostrophe before an 's' denoting a plural noun is my most loathed offense.) I hold the schools responsible for this sorry state of affairs. No one should be allowed to graduate from high school without passing a test of basic written English. (Would setting the bar at 8th grade-level English be too demanding for the faint of heart?) We have perhaps the richest language on Earth. Why do we commit such crimes against it every day?

Impeachment

It's time to call it like it is: Impeaching a President amounts to nothing less than overturning the stated will of the electorate, a negation of democracy. It must be reserved for the most grievous of offenses against the body politic. Anyone who thinks Clinton's lying under oath about sex amounts to that is too partisan to see how much destruction of the American political system would occur in the long run by this trivialization. As it is, Clinton will undoubtedly be hounded for life by lawsuits and criminal charges. It's one thing to pursue a man to his grave for his misdeeds; it's another thing altogether to take down our system of government in the process. Those who sow the wind will reap the whirlwind on this one.

HMOs

It's time to call it like it is: HMOs are perhaps the biggest fraud ever perpetuated on the American people. The very term is a misnomer. They aren't interested in health maintenance. They are interested in maximizing profits, pure and simple. Their method is the screw physicians, hospitals, labs and patients out of every nickel possible, through arbitrary rules and procedures, mountains of paperwork and sheer annoyance. Your health is of little concern to your HMO. They want your money and want to give you as little as possible for it. This system can't last.

Hillary Clinton

It's time to call it like it is: Hillary Clinton annoys and disgusts me and a lot of other people in the most visceral way. One rarely sees such raw hunger for power, even in men. (Never mind that there's something very mannish about her.) But with her, it comes at the price of any self-respect. I mean, does anybody really think she's standing by her man out of love and devotion? Come on! She's never before stood so close to power in her life, and she just can't give it up. But wait until her philandering husband is out of office and see how long it takes her to pack his bags and throw him out. I think the woman would hitch her wagon to Dan Quayle if she thought she could milk another four years in the White House out of it. That's just how calculating and unprincipled she is. Don't think you're fooling us, Hillary. We can see through you, and we don't like what we see.

Queen Elizabeth II

It's time to call it like it is: Her Irrelevancy really turns me off. How can that dowdy old woman still think she's a cut above and three steps in front of the rest of us? Anyone who raised such dysfunctional children has no business being uppity as far as I'm concerned. Come on, Lizzy, get a life already!

The Pope

It's time to call it like it is: this Pope is more than a bit rigid and stuck in the past but otherwise seems like a very decent man. It really pains me to see him all weak and hobbled, though. Can't there be a gracious way for a Pope to retire?

Fidel Castro

It's time to call it like it is: the revisionists have it wrong. Any fair reading of history leads to the conclusion that Fidel Castro was and is a repressive, murderous dictator. I don't care how grey his beard is or how many liver spots he has on his face. He's never changed his stripes in almost 40 years and I don't want to do anything to lend legitimacy to his brand of politics. Keep the sanctions on him and let him rot standing up. But let's be prepared to help steward in a democratic regime when he finally dies or is overthrown. Remember, you have to be FOR something sometimes and not just against things.

Dan Burton

It's time to call it like it is: I'm hopping mad at Dan Burton. I don't like hearing anybody called a "scumbag," no matter who is doing the calling or who is being referred to. The level of political dialogue is low enough in this country as it is without lowering it further, and that's what you did, Mr. Congressman. This isn't a banana republic. You should apologize and vow not to talk like that anymore. Otherwise, the good people of Indiana might decide they've had enough of your kind of representation.

Monica Lewinsky

It's time to call it like it is: I don't buy the line that Monica Lewinsky is a slut or a femme fatale. I think she's a pretty sad character and deserves our pity rather than our scorn. Anybody willing to spend that much time on her knees before asking a man to show some interest in her as a person has a pretty pathetic way of trying to get attention. And as if that wasn't enough, her judgment was bad enough to choose that infamous hag Linda Tripp as a friend (and I use that term loosely), and we all know what Linda did to her. Let's give Monica a break: her life is pretty well destroyed for the foreseeable future as it is, so there's no point in making her feel worse than she undoubtedly already does.

The Definition of Sex

It's time to call it like it is: We all know what sex is. Mr. President, that was sex! What, you're still not convinced? Well imagine this scene: You're sitting in the White House living quarters. Your 21 year-old daughter Chelsea brings a slick young man home to meet you. You're a bit concerned about this fellow's character. You hint to him that you expect him to treat your daughter with respect. And he tells you with a straight face: "Mr. President, I assure you in no uncertain terms I have never had and am not having a sexual relationship with Chelsea. She's just been sucking my penis for the last 18 months."

The Starr Report

It's time to call it like it is: a Supreme Court justice once said about pornography, "I can't define it. But I know it when I see it." I just read the Starr report. That's porn! Lock that guy up already!

President Clinton's Morals

It's time to call it like it is: Bill Clinton's mother apparently didn't get the point across to him--When you get caught with your pants down, just 'fess up and get it over with. He could have spared us this whole mess if he'd just said, way back when, "I can't believe I was stupid enough to do that. I was wrong. I apologize." Would anybody except his wife have really given a damn if he'd fooled around? Sure, there's a shabby side to getting fellated by a 21 year-old intern while you chat on the phone, but in the final analysis, they were both consenting adults. Philosophizing about the meaning of the word 'is' frankly seems a lot shabbier to me.

Ross Perot

It's time to call it like it is: sometimes (perhaps by accident) Ross Perot has an idea that actually seems sound to me. But even then I have trouble taking him seriously. Perhaps that's because he's such a whiny, weasely little wimp. Maybe there's a good shrink out there for the guy...

Benjamin Netanyahu

It's time to call it like it is: That's one hard-headed dude! How does he get away with it? Personally, I think he's smart as a fox: he has an uncanny sense of when others are bluffing, and knows how to call their bluff without making them feel like fools. Now if only he had a creative solution for the problem of those millions of angry Palestinians…

The Chinese Government

It's time to call it like it is: Is anybody paying attention to the number of executions in China? They number in the upper thousands every single year, and are carried out for everything from financial crimes to drug smuggling to murder, usually publicly and often en masse. Any country that feels the need to kill that many of its own citizens each year is governed by a vicious, brutal, horribly repressive clique. So how do they get away with it? They dangle the illusion of a huge market for our goods in front of our faces, and we buy it. And what an illusion! They sell us tens of billions of dollars more in goods than we sell them each year, and much of what we get is just plain shoddy. I smell a rip-off.

Yasser Arafat

It's time to call it like it is: Yasser Arafat represents the ugliest face of Jew-hatred. He's a genius at public relations and propaganda maneuvers, in spite of his obviously failing health. But he still has as his goal throwing the Jews out of their ancestral home in Israel; he's just gotten better at disguising it. On the day he & the Arabs accept that Jews have a right to live in Israel, negotiations will solve the rest of the problems quickly. Until then, he deserves to be called for what he is and isolated as much as possible.

Boris Yeltsin

It's time to call it like it is: Boris Yeltsin is brain-dead. It's time to bury him. Nothing scares me more than the twitching body of a brain-dead man. Creepy!

Kenneth Starr

It's time to call it like it is: Kenneth Starr is a self-righteous, voyeuristic political hack with a personal agenda to meet. He utterly lacks scruples but makes sure he stays just this side of the letter of the law. Bill Clinton is no angel, to put it mildly, but it's obvious Starr is out to get him. Kenneth Starr apparently isn't bright enough to understand that his reprehensible tactics are bound to backfire: the American people will have more sympathy for President Clinton because of what Starr is subjecting him to. Dimwits rarely perceive how effective they are in achieving the opposite of what they intend to achieve. Keep up the good work, Ken. You'll end up making the man Monica Lewinsky called "the creep" look good.


President Clinton's Sex Life

It's time to call it like it is: Bill Clinton is a sex addict. He needs it compulsively; he has little control over himself; and his wife is downright unattractive sexually. I doubt she's willing to gratify him sexually in the ways he wants. So he solicits oral sex from women right and left. And frankly, I don't give a damn! If that's what he needs, let him have it.

The job of president is too demanding and time-consuming to be having your mind on the yearnings of your loins all the time. If the president needs sex ten times a day, let him have it, with any consenting adult he wants, in any orifice he wants. Let's learn to keep our noses out of the president's sex life. Frankly, I'd be in favor of setting up a whore house in the basement of the White House, so that the man could get relief any time of the day or night. Legally. Without lying. And Hillary be damned...


Jesse Helms

It's time to call it like it is: Jesse Helms is an egotistical, power-hungry, reactionary dinosaur who needs to be put out to pasture. Let HIM smoke all the tobacco he's been pushing on the American people all these years and two problems will be solved: too much tobacco and too much Jesse Helms. I've had it with both...

J. Fred Muggs

It's time to call it like it is: Who does this guy think he is already? Who asked you, Fred?
(A note to those who've written to me recently asking if I am the object of a question in some scavenger hunt run by a magazine: how would I know? Ask the people running the contest!)



Email: jfred.muggs@mailcity.com