Just.the.Beginning...
"Just the Beginning..."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
The house was still silent when we got back. Parents were still out, and everyone else just had something better to do. We comfortable sat around and watched movies on the couch until everyone else had gotten home. Taylor's nerves seemed to be up because of the confrontation him and Mike had earlier that day.
The rest of the week, I spent crashing on the Hanson's couch. Nobody really minded I was there. It had just become a regular occurrence. Days were spent, their parents putting passports together, filling out papers, and fixing things. The promotional tour was coming up, and everything had to be perfect. Everyone was really excited about it.
I was doing pretty good. Except for nights. Nights were the worst time for me. The nightmares would come then. While I stayed at the Hanson's, I would go up the stairs and get Taylor. He was always more than willing to come downstairs and sit by me. After I would fall asleep, he would go back upstairs, or just lay down on the floor next to me. When I went back home, he got use to the middle of the night phone calls, and would try to comfort me the best he could. Some times he was willing to talk to me for a few hours just so I didn't have to go back asleep again.
As soon as my parents had gotten home from the country house, I told them all that happened. Taylor was at my side yet again. He sat there, held my hand, and let my parents listen. They were shocked that "perfect Mike" could do something like that. They didn't pressure me to tell anyone, and let me deal with it the way I could. Deep down, I knew they wanted me to go to the police, but I just couldn't. I had already made that decision. It scared me.
About a month passed, doing the usual stuff we all did. All of us tried to hang out, and do what we could before they all left. School had started, my senior year, taking up more time then I expected. Trying to keep up with all the work, and decisions, while taking in every moment with Taylor. All my decisions I had to make for college were affecting me too. And I was sick of hearing that this would be the "best year of my life." So far, it wasn't going too well. I hated knowing Mike could be anywhere, or having to walk by him in the hall. All I got was a stare-down, which made me even more scared around him. I tried to act calm anyway.
Everyone was in the dark about why "the best of friends" Mike and Taylor weren't speaking. They wouldn't even stand in the same room anymore. They all asked me about it, expecting me to know the dirt, and to spill it. I explained I really didn't have much of a clue. 'Taylor and him got into a fight one night, and now they aren't speaking anymore. Taylor doesn't want to get into it, and doesn't really want me to know.' Most people bought that, when in reality, me, Tay, his brothers, Nicole, and our parents knew the truth. We kinda faced the horror behind it all.
The days were becoming longer, and the countdown for Hanson to leave was getting shorter. I had been thinking a lot, and realized what I had to do. Taylor had been great, but I knew that was because he felt he couldn't do anything else. I am sure he missed the closeness we use to have. Things were nowhere near what they use to be. We never really kissed anymore. There wasn't anything such as our usual 'make out sessions.' I just felt that I couldn't. I was scared. Not that I thought Taylor would hurt me, but when anytime we'd get close, I would pull away. It made me think about Mike. Basically, I was afraid. Taylor needed to be close to someone. I wasn't the one who could do that. Not anymore. I knew I had to tell him, but I wasn't sure how. I just hoped it wouldn't change what we had. The friendship and protection we held over each other.
It was a Saturday afternoon, about a week before they left. . . .
I wanted to tell Taylor while we were by ourselves. I didn't want anyone around to get in the way with what I had to say. I told myself it wouldn't really change anything, but deep inside, I knew this mattered a lot. I walked to the park, and down that path to "our rock." He was already sitting there, watching the water. I had asked him to meet me there. He looked over at me, and shifted closer to the edge, making room for me.
"Hey. . . what was so important that we had to come here and talk? What's up?" He asked, as I sat down beside him.
"I dunno. . . I just wanted to talk about a few things. You guys are leaving, it's coming so fast, and wanted you to know about everything I have been thinking about lately."
"Like what?"
"Well. . . it's kinda about us. It's going to be a really long time before we get to see each other."
"Yea, but we talked about this already. We're gonna be back here in four months. It'll be tough, be we can write. And call."
"I know. . ."
"And don't worry about your phone bill, I'll take care of that. People love us being there, they'll pay for all that stuff. But. . ." he laughed, "I warn now, you should worry about all those girls. I tend to miss that stuff. I still have that talent of making girls fall to their knees. . ." He beamed, straightening his collar.
"Yea, well that's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about." I looked over at him, making eye contact after his little speech. Taylor had at least expected me to crack a smile after his last comments, and when I didn't, he turned serious.
"Girls? Who cares about that. We'll do the same thing we always do." He began in a mocking tone. "Just dates. We are much too busy for real relationships." He finished. "Though, I give many fans credit, they aren't that stupid."
"Not that."
"Then what?"
"Well, I want to let you know, its ok. I mean, all those other girls, and all. . . I don't mind. Not being with me, you can do what you want. You may get kinda bored, or lonely. . ." I looked back down at the water.
"C'mon Jules. You don't mean that stuff."
"Yea I do."
He sighed. "Why do you say stuff like this? Why? You know I want to be with you."
"I know. I know you want to be with me. But, I know you cant, not the way you want. We aren't close, we don't do anything. How much can you take, before you drop me? Geez. . . we don't even kiss." I didn't know why, but at the moment, I felt so dumb talking about this.
"So what? There is more than kissing. I like being with you. And talking to you. I don't care about that other stuff. I'm sure it will come in time. . ."
"But how long are you going to wai-"
"However long it takes." He answered confidently.
"Well, I can't string you on like this. That's why I asked you to come down here. I already made a decision on things." I looked back at him. His eyes were on me, studying what I was saying, and what I was doing. He was smarter than this, and already had a feeling what was going on.
"I already know what you are going to say, and I don't want to hear it." He stated.
"I'm gonna say it anyway Taylor. Just try to understand it. You'll realize, even if it's later on, that what I'm saying is the right thing. Please don't be mad at me."
"How can you expect me not to be?"
"Um, its just that… please don't-"
"Say it damn it!"
"Fine. I think we should break up."
His eyes widened. "I can't believe you!"
"You told me to say it, didn't you! Can't you see, it's for the better. I'm doing this for you. . ."
"How can you be doing this for me, when this isn't even what I want? I didn't ask for this. I want to be with you. I'm the one that wants to wait, I'll wait however long it takes."
"Taylor, you don't want to wait. You just don't want to have to leave me. I know you. And you do a lot for me, but you just feel you need to take care of me."
"I do it because I love you."
"I love you too. But, are you in love with me?"
"Yes."
"How do you know?"
"Because. I know."
"You have to realize that I am doing this for you." I repeated, "I can't give you much anymore. I want to show you I love you, and I cant even do that. You've been lucky you got a kiss on the cheek in the last 3 weeks. You've helped me so much, I don't think I could ever pay you back. And, I am going to miss those calls I give late at night. You always just sit and listen. You're there for me. But I think I can deal. I have to."
"You can still call." He said, staring down at the water, and tossing small rocks into it.
"No I cant. It's not the same."
"So this is it, huh? You're going to end it like this. I'm going to go away for four months, come home, and still not have anyone? Cause that's exactly what's gonna happen. I don't want to get involved with anyone. Don't you get that?"
I reached over and tucked some hair behind his ears. It had stayed the same length always, right by his shoulders. He wouldn't part with his hair, no matter what. It made him original, or so he said. I loved it though. He pulled away fast, before I could finish putting it all behind his ear. "Don't. You are just making things worse. I don't know how you cant think this is better."
"Just think about it. Ok? You'll understand."
"Understand what?"
"That it's better."
"But it isn't."
I let out a sigh, I didn't know what else he wanted me to say.
"Yea, well whatever. I'm not going to stand around here listening to this. I got to get back to the house." He stood up. "My mom wants us to start packing early for once. But I meant what I said. I'm not going to change. I still want to be with you. I'll wait, and we can talk about it when I get back. Just make sure you come say good-bye before we leave Friday. You can at least do that."
"I can. I'll stop by. I promise."
I watched him walk back up the path, with his head down. He wasn't happy with me. He would think about it, and understand it was for the best. He always did.
I couldn't believe I had enough guts to say it. I know I hadn't chosen perfect timing, but I had waited awhile to actually say it. I needed to get out. This was suppose to be the week we were to spend as much time together as possible. Maybe I should have waited, but why drag it out longer than I have to. Was it really worth it to hurt him more than I already had? No. . . I know I was right. It was for the better. I was doing this for him.
"Yea, Julie, way to tell him. Couldn't you just've waited? They were going to be gone in a few days anyway. . ." Nicole said dryly, after I had explained to her about what I told Taylor. Me and her had become really good friends over the last few weeks. Her and Isaac were still going strong, and it didn't look like anything was going to change that. We shared a lot. Like the fact that the silver ring, the one he never took of his hands, the one that he claimed he had 'lost' was actually in her pocket. He had given it to her one night. I can't believe he did that. All this time he had had it, and he gave it to Nicole. That was something. . .
"I know, I know. I just didn't think I could lead him on anymore."
"But you weren't. He wanted to be with you."
"Why are you acting all surprised about this? I told you I was going to tell him. You even knew when and the fact that it would be today at the rock."
"I know. But for some reason, I didn't think you would. I thought you might run into a tree or somethin, and knock some sense into yourself."
"No such luck."
"So now what are you going to do?"
"I'm not sure. I promised him I would say bye before I left. Ike and Zac aren't going to be too happy with me, that's for sure."
"You can't go over there! Can you say, uncomfortable?" She stated, more than asked. "I am sure he has said something, with how close that family is, they are all gonna know.
"I know, but I said I would go over. . ."
"Well, get out of it."
"I cant."
"Yes you can. Just say you can't come over. Or, meet him somewhere else. You can go out to dinner or something, then you-"
"There is no way I can do that. Go out to dinner, even though I just broke up with him, and he is leaving on Friday. Um, no thanks, I think I'll pass."
"Well, you have to do something."
"I know. . . just give me time to think."
"Well, start thinking, you only have 5 days left."
"Yea, I know. Listen, I guess I'll talk to you later? I've gotta go."
"Ok, sure. See ya."
"Bye."
A boring Sunday afternoon. I didn't want to sit around and mope. I was going to be the strong one here. I kinda wanted to talk to Isaac about things, but I didn't want to call and have Taylor pick up. I was definitely scared with what he would say. I still couldn't believe I had had the guts to tell him everything.
I called up Nicole, hoping she would want to hang out at the mall or something. I dialed up her phone number.
"Hello?" Nicole asked, good she was home.
"Hey. Its Julie. What're you doing today? Want to hang out?" I asked.
"Um, yea sure. Don't think I have anything going on. What'd you have in mind."
"I dunno. Whatever."
"Oh good, I just got my paycheck too."
"Great, well how about the mall." I knew she wouldn't pass up any kind of shopping. "I want some new clothes."
"Cool. You drivin?"
"Yup. I'll pick you up in an hour, at about 3, k?"
"Sure. See ya then, later." She hung up.
I got ready, and went downstairs. Both my parents were sitting in front of the television. "I'm gonna go to the mall with Nicole for awhile. See you guys later. . ." I grabbed the keys, and walked towards the door.
"Wait a sec. Do you think you could pick up a half-gallon of milk on your way home? I forgot to last night, and we're all out." My mom yelled out.
"No problem, see ya later." I called, walking out the door.
I drove down to Nicole's dorm rooms, and honked the horn. She was already sitting on the front porch, and jumped in the passenger side of my 95 Toyota/Acura. Not the nicest of cars, or the best. Nothing compared to what the guys had been able to buy with their 'music' money, but it suited me. My parents had gotten it for me for my 17 birthday.
"Lets go." She smiled, pulling her seat belt on. Normally I hated going to the mall. Being a weekend made it worse. It was always packed with way too many people. But, I wanted to hang out, and this was where Nicole loved to be. She loved all the people, and she loved all the stores. She loved buying the new things. We usually saw many of our friends here hanging out too. And some other people, including Mike. When this would happen, Taylor was always quick to grab my hand, and pull me on the other side of him as he walked by. Almost as a protector. Something I would just have to deal with, even if I wasn't ready too.
We walked through the huge doors of the Counties Mall. Like I figured, people were all over the place, walking in and out of stores, and through the food court.
"Where to first?" I asked.
"I dunno. I just want some clothes."
I laughed. "As if you didn't have enough already. . . Why don't you just sell others, and then buy new ones?"
"Because, I wear all of them. Besides, where do you think my sister gets her clothes? From me. I swear, my parents planned it that way, so they wouldn't have to buy her clothes."
"Yea, well. . ." I looked around. "hey, there's that new store. What's it called? I got Taylor a new shirt there a few weeks ago." I had to talk about other things, besides him. Even though, most of my life right was him right now, I didn't want to make myself worry about it more.
"Cool. Let's go in." She led us in, and I followed behind her. After looking around, we left, and entered a few more stores, looking at all the different clothes. Most of them were way over my price range, though Nicole was busy picking out assorted things she wanted to try on.
"And you plan to buy all those?" I commented.
"No! I can't afford ALL of them, but I want some, and I need to know which ones look better."
"Oh." I said, following her into the dressing area, plopping myself down on the chair outside of her little room. Every 2-3 minutes she would stride out of the room, strutting the clothes, asking what I thought. Most of them looked really nice. I never actually realized how pretty she was. Not that I was checking her out or anything, but she was just really pretty, with dark blond hair, about the same length as mine, that fell to mid-back. She had this porcelain colored skin, and greenish eyes. I almost felt uncomfortable.
I wondered how her and Isaac planned on dealing with him going away. I hadn't really thought about it. How much they were going to miss each other, and whether or not she was going to wait for Isaac to return. I prayed if she did, she would be faithful to him. I don't think I could deal with telling Isaac, and I knew he would want me to. That was the only thing I could do.
"Hey Nicole?" I asked through the thin walls of the dressing room.
"Yea?"
"What are you going to do when Isaac leaves? Are you scared, or nervous?"
"Nervous?"
"Well, yea. Nervous that you wont be able to handle it, or that you will miss him too much. . ."
"I guess so. There isn't much I can do about it anyway. . ." She continued through a muffled voice, "I'm gonna miss him a lot and all, but I don't know what I can do. We talked about it, when we started to become more serious. He told me we could go on a break, so we wouldn't have to break anything off when he left."
"And what did you do?"
"Obviously, I said that was crazy, and I would wait for him to come back. I really care about him. Isaac isn't my first boyfriend, but he's my first really close one. I care about him too much to let him go, I hope he feels the same way. Have you ever talked to him about it?"
"Yea, actually I have. Its funny, he talks about you way more than any other girl. Even Becca. You can trust him, he's that kinda guy. I've known him long enough to know exactly what his mind is thinking. . . Kinda scary if you think about it." I laughed.
She finally emerged from the room, seeming as if more clothes were with her now then when she went in. Her hair was a bit messed, and her clothes were kinda ruffled, and she was now met with the great decision of what to decide. After about 15 more minutes, and another trip in there, she decided on a pair of pants, and 3 shirts.
Finally leaving the store, we both decided on a record store. "I want a new CD. I'm getting sick of all that other stuff I listen to." I said, flipping through new selections.
"Oh my god. . ." I heard Nicole muttering, not bothering to look up. "Well, well, well. He doesn't waste time, does he?"
"huh?"
"You think he would be kinda hurt about things, not go around with that girl." That caught my attention, and I glanced up over in her direction. Only to lay my eyes on Taylor. Though he wasn't alone, Meegan Roberts accompanied him. Ms Teen Slut USA. She attended Union High along with me, and wasn't known for her nice personality. And she was perfect looking too. Perfect blond hair, perfect face, perfect everything.
I gasped. "We gotta get out of here. I don't want him to see me. . ."
"What? Why? He's the one who shouldn't want to be seen. Especially with her! Ugh, and especially after you guys both got into that fight over her."
"It wasn't a fight."
"Oh yea right." She smirked, "not talking for 3 days because you were jealous, can be considered a fight to me. . ."
"I wasn't jealous."
"Yea you were."
"Not-uh. I just didn't think he needed to be around her. She was so trying to get a date with him, and he was too dumb to realize it. Now let's get out of here before he sees me." I said, grabbing her arm.
"Too late." I saw him look over, and I moved my stare back to the CDs.
"What do I do?!" I whispered.
"Go over there."
"I cant!"
"You have to now!"
"Ugh, fine you're right. But you're coming with me. . ." I said, heading his way, with her right behind me.
We walked over to Taylor. I could tell he was kinda nervous, he was staring at his feet, and playing with the bottom of his shirt. Meegan saw me and smirked. "Oh, hi Julie. Surprise to see you here." She said, leaning closer into Taylor.
"Yea, well, just shopping. Hi Taylor. . ." I said, knowing he wasn't going to be the first to say anything.
"hey." He said, still looking down.
"Hi Megan." Nicole said dryly.
"Its Meegan." We knew what it was. We said it all the time, just to piss her off. It was fun, actually, anything to piss her off. She tried to do it to me all the time. I swear, she seemed to have that main purpose in life, to make my life hell.
She went to some party with people from Smith, that's how I met her. Nicole invited me and Taylor, and Isaac, to a party with one of her Smith friends. We hung out, and had a good time. Until Meegan saw Taylor. She didn't care if he had a girlfriend, or whatever, she was all over him. Taylor was dense about it, and thought she was 'just being nice'. "We have a lot in common." I hated her, and she somehow had slipped her number to him. That's what the so-called 'fight' was, that Nicole was talking about. I had found the number in his jacket. He swore he was gonna throw it away. We didn't talk for 3 days. I was more hurt, that he was even thinking of another girl. Especially when she was known to sleep with any guy, and she actually liked mine. It also made me insecure thinking how less affectionate our relationship was, and she was moving in. But that was awhile ago. . .
"Well, we better get going now, we have to head home anyway." I said, turning my heal, and beginning to walk out. I was definitely hurt, out of all people. I didn't know what to do.
"Later Taylor, Megan." Nicole said, quickly following me.
"How could he, of all people?" I said, trying to hold back tears that were ready to fall. What was I thinking? I broke up with him. He could do whatever he wanted, but he always swore to me he had no interest in her, and now that day after we broke up, he was with her. I wonder how many other times he has lied to me. I just wanted out of that store.
"Well, don't worry about it, ok? Obviously he's trying to hurt you."
"Yea, well it worked."
"Hey Julie, wait up. . ." I heard Taylor call back.
"Ugh, what now. . ." I whispered to Nicole, turning around, seeing Taylor slightly jogging over to us. Meegan was still with some CDs, an annoyed look on her face, and her arms crossed.
"Yea?" I said, secretly hoping that he felt kinda bad, and wanted to tell me he ran into her here. Who was I kidding, I was the one that caused all of this.
"Oh, well, I just wanted to give you some of your things back. I have a lot obviously." My eyes stung, it was really ending. Don't cry, please don't cry. "So, hmmm. . ." He thought for a few seconds, "why don't you come over tomorrow? You busy? I can give it to you all then."
"Um, yea that's fine." I said, trying to stay somewhat composed. "I'll talk to you later. . ." I said, and walked out. "Its over, it's really over. . ."
"Listen Julie, it's ok, things will work out. If it's meant to be, it will fix itself."
"You sound like my mom. Nicole, I know you are trying to be nice. But, just tell me what you're thinking. You know I caused it, it's my fault. I have no right to be hurt, I was the one who ended it."
"Well, yea, but that's because you feel you were trying to help him. We'll see how it goes. Something will work out. . ." She smiled, slightly punching my arm.
"I guess. C'mon, let's get outta here." I said, sighing some. I tried to smile back.
We walked out into the parking lot, and I drove her home. "See ya later…" She said, grabbing some bags from the back. "Call me tomorrow, and tell me how it goes with Taylor."
"Ok, sure." I said, driving off. I had already forgotten, I was going over to Taylor's house. I wondered if there was any way I could get out of it. It was kinda too late for that, since I had already agreed. I guess I would just deal with it later.
I was about halfway home when I realized I had told my mom I would get some milk for her.
Click to go on
Email: writerjul@hotmail.com
