Will.hurt.him...
"Will hurt him. . . "
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I ran up to my room. I just sat on the floor against my bed, and started crying. Time seemed to be standing still, about 30 minutes passed. The phone rang, I didn't want to pick it up. I wanted it to be Taylor, and I would do anything, praying it was.
"Hello?" I tried to cover up the fact that I was crying.
"Hi. Julie? Its Zac. Taylor just got home, and something's really wrong. He's upset about something. Him and Isaac are fighting, my parents aren't home. It's getting pretty bad. Just the three of us are here, and I don't want them to hurt each other. I've never really seen them like this before, well, at least not this bad... Maybe you can come over, and get Taylor out of here for awhile. See if he'll tell you what's wrong..."
"I don't think thats such a good idea. I know why Taylor's upset. It's me. We got into a fight. I can't help anything."
"What?! You always could get him to talk, whether you guys were mad or not... They are really getting bad. . ." I could hear them screaming in the background. There was a small crash, and a small thud. I heard Zac breath heavy.
"He doesn't love me Zac. It's over between us, ok? I can't come over. He doesn't want me there. . . ." I repeated.
"Yes he does! You have to, please! I'm scared, neither of them are thinking straight, I know they're going to do something stupid." The fear in his voice was obvious. "I will be so dead if I call our uncle or someone to break it up. Please, they'll listen to you, I know it." His words were choppy, and his breath was short. He seemed more scared than anything else.
"Zac-" I tried to explain the situation again.
"Just come over, hurry!" He hung up the phone immediatly after the last statement. There was nothing I could do now, he was expecting me. I washed my face a little, if I was going to have to see them, I didn't want to look like I was about to die. I wasn't going to let Taylor know how much I was crying. I pulled on a dry sweater and ran over to the Hanson's. Half way there I realized I didn't even have my jacket, and it was still misty and sprinkling out. I didn't care much, I didn't want Zac to be scared, he was right, they could do something stupid.
I got to the house, hearing more screaming, and a few other noises. I opened the unlocked door to hear Isaac and Taylor screaming even more clearly now. They were both madder than I'd ever heard. I cringed for a second, straining to figure out exactly what they were saying. Water was dripping off of me. Zac immediately sat up from his position on the stairs by the door.
"You came." He said, "They're up there." He pointed obviously, to the stairs which led to their room. His brown eyes were huge, staring at me, scared like a little kid.
Isaac was screaming, as I made my way up there. "You are SO stupid! How could you?! You don't know anything, you should have listened! She would have told you!"
"She didn't tell me anything! How was I suppose to know?"
"And you said you didn't love her? Why? What was that about? She is in so much, and you are too fucking stupid to realize it! You must have killed her when you said it. How could you have said it? You know you love her! You know it! He raped her, he hurt her! She's the one thats been hurt, not you! Get over yourself!" Isaac yelled. I peered into the doorway, trying to stay unnoticed for a few more minutes. I cringed at his words, Taylor now knew, and anyone else in a five mile radius. I felt dirty and scared again, knowing that they all now knew the secret I'd tried to keep so well.
"I didn't know. I would have tried to help her if I did. Fuck! She didn't want to tell me, she didn't want me to know. I can't believe any of this is happening! She hates me now, there is nothing I can do about it. She doesn't want my help! Fuck her, fuck him. Fuck you all, see if I care!" That's all Isaac had to hear from Taylor before he lunged at him. They were against the side of the wall, Isaac's hands on Taylor, clawing at his collar, and holding him against the wall harder. He slamed him against the wall lighter, but with more force. The look on Taylor's face was of fright. He was scared to death, struggling to get away from Isaac who matched his height, and outweighed him. It was always a small joke between us about the difference in them. Taylor seemed so scrawny besides him, even if his height kinda hid it. But this time it easily showed Isaac over powering Taylor. It really wasn't funny.
"Don't say that. You don't mean it. Its Julie, you have to take care of her. She's the one who needs help." They were struggling, Isaac threw a punch, jabbing Taylor's jaw. Taylor lunged at him and his stomach, sending them hurtling to the ground. They were now in a free for all of punches.
I'd seen enough. "Stop it!" Yelling at them, I ran into the room. I struggled to pull them off of each other. They now stood on opposite sides of the room, blood dripping, staring at me. "You are scaring Zac! You're scaring me! You guys are acting like complete idiots, why are you doing this?!" I was staring at the both of them, their faces were red with anger.
"Why'd you come? You're all wet." Isaac quietly observed, trying to ease his abnormal breathing. They both looked like they were about to have heart attacks. My hair was wet, but my clothes weren't too bad.
"Zac called me, scared to death you guys might hurt each other. It's a good thing I did. God knows what would you have done if I hadn't shown up!"
"Julie. . . ." Taylor stared at me, I looked at him sharply. My eyes immediately brimmed with tears. More of hurt than anger. I looked him over, his lip was bleeding, his right eye was already starting to swell shut. His hair was stuck to his face with sweat and, he looked as worn out as Isaac.
"I'm gonna go see Zac and make sure he's ok. You two can stay up here." Isaac said quietly, walking out.
"Julie." Taylor said again. "Why didn't you tell me? God, I'm so sorry. I never meant to say anything like that tonight. I thought it would help. I'll listen to you, always. I love you. I love you soo much. God, why couldn't I help you! I'm so sorry, I should have been there..." He was pleading with me.
Our eyes locked. I went to him, leaning on his chest, letting him put his arms around me for the first time since Mike had hurt me. He rubbed my head, stroking my hair. I cried in his shoulder, and he just held me. We stood there for awhile. Car lights pulled into the driveway, and it reflected off the walls.
"So are you going to be ok?" He finally asked, breaking the silence.
I smiled a little. "Aren't I always? I think I'm going to be just fine. I just need you to be there."
"I will, I promise."
"Let's go clean you up a bit," I said, looking at the blood that had collected at his lip. "Your mother is gonna shoot you, I dont think she wants to see you like this." We walked down the hall to the bathroom. He sat on the toilet, as I hovered over him. I washed the dry blood, and cleaned his eye up. He just sat on the toilet, and winced. "Oh you baby," I laughed, "Sit still."
He smirked, but then turned serious. "I know your parents aren't home. Have you told them already?"
"No, not yet. I will, but later. Nobody knew, except Isaac and Nicole."
"Well, do you want to tell my mom? I bet she can help. You know she cares, you can talk to her."
"Yea, I think I'd like that. Do you think you can stay with me while I tell her? Support."
"Of course, what ever you want. I'll be there." He stood up, and grabbed my hand. He led me down the stairs, and into the living room. Mrs. Hanson was standing there, talking sternly about the spilt drink, and why Isaac seemed to be so beat up. "And you better learn. I don't care how caught up in fighting you get, Isaac. If you bleed- you stop. Don't let things get out of control. Zac's fine, it scares me to think he's the only mature one around here." She looked over at us. "Taylor! You too! Look at you, you two are a mess."
"Sorry mom. We got carried away." Isaac said, walking out. Zac following suit. Their mom sighed, giving them both looks. "I swear, I will never get you guys." I could tell she was trying to hold back a laugh, a smile played on her lips.
"Mom. We kinda need to talk to you." She stopped whatever joke she had going on. She looked almost scared with what we had to say.
"Oh god, what is it? Are you two ok? Let me get your father."
"Mom. . . ."
"Please tell me you didn't do anything you guys regret." She said.
"Mom. Stop, it's not like that. Don't get Dad, Julie wants to talk to you about some things. She asked me to just stay with her. Sit down and listen, ok?"
Mrs. Hanson gave me another concerned look. She sat down on the chair across from me, and allowed me and Taylor to sit next to each other on the couch. I stared at my hands, now folded in my lap.
"Um, well, a few things happened not too long ago. I kinda wanted to talk to you about it. I've always been able to tell you things. I need to talk to my parents too, but I think it would be easier to tell you first. I want you to help me."
"Anything honey, what is it?"
"Ok, well. It happened last week. Last Wednesday. At the party. Um..." I got scared for a second, Taylor squeezed my hand. I went on. "I was raped." I said, looking up.
She was quiet for a second, looking at me, and then coming over to hug me. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry. You poor thing, are you all right. What happened, who did this? Why did you wait so long to tell me?" She loosened the embrace, and sat down on the other side of me. "I don't know. I felt dirty, I felt hurt. I was scared people wouldn't believe me, but I'm all right, I guess. I know I have people to help me through this."
She smiled and rubbed my arm. "Yes, you do. We love you, and we'll help you through anything. But who did it?"
I had tried to avoid the question the first time it came around, but she had asked again. I looked at Taylor again, he nodded. He wanted me to know it was going to be ok. "Mike." I whispered, as she sat up.
"Mike? Mike Atkins? Why? Are you sure it was him? Was anyone else around?" She was shocked. I went through the night, and details. It was hard for her to listen, and same for Taylor. He looked away a lot. I guess Isaac didn't tell him much. They both sat and listened, Taylor tried not to get upset, but I knew it was killing him inside. I knew he was trying to be strong. His best friend. After I was done with it all, she began talking to me about what we could do.
"I think you should go to the doctor, and then you need to tell the police. You know this is wrong, he needs to get in trouble for this, and not think he can get away."
"I know," I said. "But I don't want to have to talk about it again. Not to the police. Not now. I'm scared."
"I know hun, but you really should. We're all scared, but they can help you."
"I know, but please not now."
"Fine. I can't make you do anything you don't want. But at least let me take you to the hospital. You can keep everything anonymous. They ask questions, but you don't have to answer, I'll take you and they'll help. They can make sure you are ok, and have no diseases. I need to take you, ok? For your own good." She sounded just like a mom, it was scary how she actually wasn't my mom. She was the mom I always wanted.
"Ok. I'll go, but I really don't want to answer things. I just want to make sure its ok, I don't want to get sick, or have anything." I stood up.
"We really shouldn't even wait till the morning. Its not too late, we can go now. Let me go tell Walker. I'll be right back, and we'll leave." I started walking to the door. Taylor stood behind me, still holding my hand. I turned to look at him. "Thanks. Just you being there helped a lot. I love you."
"I love you too. . . . Let me get my jacket, and sneakers, and we'll go." He said, walking down the hall.
"No Taylor, its ok. Me and your mom will go, you don't need to. I'll be fine." I stated, as he turned around to look at me.
"I want to come. I don't want you to be scared there. I know how you are with hospitals. I want to be with you, to help you."
"No, its ok. I'll be fine, and your mom will be there. Believe me Taylor, it's not nice in those rooms. You cant come in, they have to do tests and stuff. Not pretty. You would just have to sit outside and wait." I shuddered at thinking what they had to do, but I knew Taylor was just trying to be nice and help me.
"I don't mind."
"Really. . . .it's ok. You can stay here, I'll come back here tonight. We can sit and talk, or whatever. Your parents won't care, obviously. Explain things to Zac, I'm sure he's kinda scared, and confused about the way you were acting tonight. He probably'll have questions, and he needs to be talked to. You can sit down and tell him."
"Ok, but make sure you do come back here. I'll be here waiting for you to come home. Let me get you my jacket, where's yours? No wonder you were wet." He grabbed his jacket out of the closest and helped me put it on. "Here."
His mom came in the room. "Ok, I talked to Walker. C'mon. I'll take you now."
I gave her a little smile, I wasn't too willing to just go to the hospital, to surrender myself like this. I hated hospitals. I squeezed Taylor's hand, and let it go.
"I'll be waiting. Don't stay out too late." He smirked, and kissed me on the cheek.
"Mom, make sure you bring her back here."
"I will. Your parents told me they were going to the country house, so I know its all set. Let's go now. . . . Bye Taylor."
"Later."
The hospital was just how I remembered it. I hated hospitals, it was all white, everyone was clean. People and doctors were everywhere in their suits, ready for surgery, and whatever else they needed. Mrs. Hanson put her arm around me, and led me down the hall to a nurse. They talked for a few minutes quietly and then let me into a room. Here I had one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. Blood was taken, I was checked in and out. Poked at and what else. It was horrible, it gave me a sick feeling. I guess Mrs. Hanson had talked to them, because I wasn't really asked anything.
When they were done, I was kinda sore, and really tired. I wished I were 5, so I could just act young. Crawl into Mrs. Hanson's lap, and forget all my worries.
They did what they had to do, but afterwards we were led into a small office. An older lady, about 40 was sitting at a desk.
"Hi, I'm Barbara Sims. I'm here to talk to you about what happened." I looked at Mrs. Hanson, and I was motioned to sit in the chair across from her desk. Mrs. Hanson sat next to me. "I understand what has happened to you. I talk to way too many girls who have had the same thing happen. What I am here for is to help you, and help you get through this. I need to know who did it, so we can report him."
"I have said this already. I am not reporting anything. I am here to make sure I am ok. That's all. I am ready to go home now, if you don't mind." I stood up, ready to walk out.
"Please sit down, we at least need to talk about it." Mrs. Sims said. I sat down, and she went on. "Maybe you may not want to say anything, but what happened was wrong. You know that, don't you? You know it was wrong what he did." She asked.
"No, I mean, I don't know."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, its just that, maybe I gave him some reason too, the way I looked, he might've thought I liked him." I rambled.
-,"
"But you said no, so that's it. NO means no." She said sternly.
"Yea, I know that. I said no, but I don't know, ok? I don't know. I'm just scared, I want to go home. I want out of here, out of this place!"
"Julie, you need to tell the police. He was wrong, you know that! You know who the boy was. Tell me. Do you know who did this? 80% of rapes are from people you know, work with, go to school with, or see on a daily basis."
"I know! OK, I know it! But I'm not going to do anything, not now. You can stop asking, because it's not going to work."
"Only 2% of men go to jail for rape-"
"I don't want to talk about it anymore." I interuppted. "I don't want you to tell me what to do, or even what I need to do. I can think for myself, and I want to leave."
"Ok, ok. I understand, but I think we should get together and talk about this. Sometime, me and you."
"I don't know, " I said. "I'll think about it, but now, can you tell me when the tests are finished. And I'm leaving, I want to go see Taylor."
"Who's Taylor?" She asked, out of curiosity.
"My boyfriend. He's back at the house, waiting for me."
"He's also my son." Mrs. Hanson added in.
"That's good, I take it he knows than. Well, he can help you too, help you through this. Just talk about it when you can. Well the tests will be in on Sunday. You can call, or come get them. I know about the pill, so that I am sure you'll be fine. We took a pregnancy test anyway, but other than that, we'll just have to wait. It was nice meeting you," she stood up, and shook my hand. "I'll see you soon, go home and get some rest. Here's my number if you need anything." She handed me a business card.
Mrs. Hanson shook her hand, and said her thanks. We started walking down the hall, and into the parking lot. It was almost all empty, not many cars. As we got in and began to pull away from the hospital, Mrs. Hanson began to talk.
"Are you ok? Is everything alright?" She asked.
"Yea, I'm fine. I feel kinda weird, it was very uncomfortable in there, but I'm ok." I looked at her.
"Having to be a girl is tough, men will never know. . . ."
"yea..."
"Can I ask you something, I hope its ok." She said.
"OK, sure."
"Well, she mentioned in there about you on the pill. Of course its inevitable you and Taylor will be together. I want to make sure you guys are being careful, if you cant go to your parents, come to me. I'll get things for you, like you have now. The pill is good, but that doesn't always help, you know? From diseases. I'm not condoning this, but I want you two to be safe."
"Oh, Mrs. Hanson, I won't give you anything to worry about. As of now, the pill is for nothing. My mom makes me take it, she actually monitors it. She thinks because I am so close with Taylor, I need it. Not yet, if that's what you want to know. Not yet..."
She seemed to let out a sign of relief, "ok."
The car seemed to be louder than usual. I concentrated on the humming, sending myself into different thoughts.
"I'm not a virgin anymore." I blurted out, not actually realizing I said it out loud, "and I was saving myself for the right person. I wanted it to be special, and I was going to wait. He took that away from me. . . ." I looked over at Diana, her face full of concern.
"Oh honey. Don't think about it. Virginity isn't just physical. It's not like you broke that bond for yourself. You still can wait, and hold off. For the right person. Your body may have gone through it, but you still are a virgin."
"No, no I'm not." I couldn't help but get upset. I knew I wanted to be with Taylor for my first time, and that was taken away from me. I had imagined it before. It would be romantic, and perfect. Not full of passion, like on TV, but special, and kind of awkward. I actually couldn't wait. Maybe I wasn't ready, but I still wasn't going to share that special time with anyone else but him.
"This is the stuff you can talk about with Mrs. Sims, but as of now, listen to me. Call yourself a virgin, and don't let this think you aren't. You did save yourself, you should be proud of that fact. I am. Ok?" She asked, finishing her statement.
"Yea, I guess so. . . ."
The rest of the car ride home was quiet, and I looked at the clock. It was almost 2am, it didn't realize how late it actually was. I didn't expect to see Taylor up.
We pulled into the driveway, and got out. All the lights in the house were off. We quietly walked through the front door. A small light in the living room was on, Taylor rested, asleep on the couch, with the TV on.
"You can go in there with him. I'll see you two in the morning." She whispered.
"Ok," I said, as I walked in there. He looked so sweet, sitting up on the couch. The TV flashed and reflected through the room. I loved him so much, and he had attempted to stay up to see me. I was actually kinda surprised, usually it was very comical to see him sleep. His mouth would be half-open, and he had this breathing/snoring thing going on. We would make fun of him for it. Now, his legs were propped up on the coffee table, and he was positioned up by his elbow on the armrest. I took off my jacket and sneakers, and grabbed the blanket off the couch. I leaned up against him, and covered us both up. He stirred for a minute, and opened his eyes. "Julie? You're back. Its really late, I stayed up as long as I could, but I waited."
"Yea, it took awhile at the hospital."
"How was it? I mean, the hospital. Were you ok?" he asked.
"Ugh, I hated it. I hate hospitals. You know that. . . ."
"Yea, I know. Remember when Zac broke his arm? You were scared just to come with us to the hospital. I remember that, how old were we, like 12?" He smirked.
"I don't know. That's different. I had to do total different things, I hate being a girl! It sucks, you will never have to go through the stuff I went through tonight. . . ."
"Oh, c'mon. I don't mind you being a girl, it'd would be a little awkward if you weren't."
His small attempt at a joke humored him some, though I didn't really care about laughing.
"Seriously Taylor. The hospital was horrible, I'm glad you didn't go. I wouldn't even let your mom in there, it was so. . . . . . . gross." I said, trying to explain.
"Yea, I know. I'm sorry. Don't worry though, it's all done. And, I'm here with you, and whatever you need, I'm going to help you. I promise. So, you don't have to worry about anything."
I looked up at him, and smiled. "I know. I love you so much for that too. You won't know, I don't think I can even show you." I said.
"Yea, well don't worry. Just you being here with me too. Thats all I need."
We were quiet for awhile. I was watching some TV, music videos or something. A news thing came up, and I was interested in it. I looked up at Taylor, he seemed to be thinking more than watching. I wondered what he was going to say, I waited till he was ready to talk. I watched the TV for awhile longer, beginning to think I was wrong about him, when he broke the silence.
"Julie, you know about earlier. What I said in the car, all that stuff..."
"Don't think about that, we were just upset. Don't worry about it."
"No," he said. "I have to. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean any of those things, I swear. All I can think about is me saying... you know, that I didn't love you, and I was grabbing your arms. You were yelling at me to at me to stop, and I wasn't. I wasn't even listening to you. God, you know, what would I have done? Would I have hurt you, what if I get mad. Ever?" Taylor's voice seemed to crack while saying this, but I knew he wasn't going to cry. He never cried, I hadn't seen him cry since he fell off his bike 5 years ago.
"You can't think about that stuff Taylor. It happened, yea. But it's over. I know you love me, I know it. And I love you. It's ok. I'm not afraid that you'll hurt me, I know you wont. So, you don't have to be scared you might get mad, and hurt me. Just think, and nothing like that will happen." I leaned in closer to him, resting on his chest, and putting my arms around his waist.
He pulled away. "But it did."
"But it's over."
"I hurt you, I was grabbing your arms. I wanted to hurt you. . . ." There seemed to be some tension.
"I know, but you stopped."
"After you screamed at me."
"Who cares, you stopped, didn't you?"
"Yea, I guess."
"Ok, well then. That's it, now stop thinking about this. Ok? I'm not, I don't want you too."
"Ok, but really, I'm sorry. I won't hurt you." He said.
"I know."
We sat quietly for a few minutes, not really talking. He was so warm, I was leaning on him. It was weird, the last week and a half, all I wanted was to just stay away from him. I didn't want his arms near me, I didn't want to be close. But right now, at this moment, all I was thinking about was how safe I felt. His arms were around me, and I didn't care. I wasn't scared, or confused. I was just happy he was here with me.
"You know, it's almost over." He finally said. "Summer. It's like gone. Me, Ike and Zac are going on that whole promotional thing again. With the new album and all."
"I know. I start school in less than 2 weeks. I think it was like 9 days, September 1st. Ugh, I don't want to go back either..."
"Yea, I don't want you to either." He smiled.
"What do you care? You don't have to go, and you get to go traveling again." I stated, he frowned.
"I know."
"I was thinking about it. Its different this time, you know?" I went on. "The last few times you guys have gone away, we weren't 'us'. And so, I was happy to see you guys come home, because I could finally get into the paintball games again. The other guys wouldn't let me, but you guys would. Now, its like, I have to wait for you to come home, so I can be with you."
"Yea, I know." He tightened his arm around me. "But, I don't want to have to think about it. We'll come home, like always. We'll miss each other, but not now. We 're together now, so we should enjoy it while we can."
"I know..."
"So... I'm really tired."
"Me too." I said. I leaned more into him, and closed my eyes. He was trying to sleep too.
The arms were around me. Tightening.
I was yelling to stop.
Why wont you listen to me?!
I was scared. . . .
I started running again, this time I was being chased. Mike was chasing me again! STOP IT! STOP! I hate you... I was screaming for Taylor too... where was he? Why wasn't he here?
I fell. And he was on me! I was screaming, Mike was all over me now. His hands were on me, his arms were around me.
"You want me!"
"No, No I don't!"
"Yea, you do! You want me, not Taylor, me!"
I was hitting him, telling him to stop... his arms were around me, I wanted his arms off of me.
"Leave me alone!!!"
I sat straight up, throwing his arms off of me, standing up. "Leave me alone." I started walking. He tried to grab my arm. "I said get away from me!" Taylor looked at me confused, and stood up too.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"I just don't want you to touch me. . . . leave me alone!" I just wanted to get to the bathroom, Taylor following behind me.
"What's wrong? What are you talking about?" He repeated.
I stopped. "I don't know. I don't know. I was running, and Mike was chasing me. I just didn't want him touching me, I woke up, and you were there. I just didn't want to be touched. I'm sorry, please don't be mad. I'm sorry..."
"Shhh..." He said, pulling me into a hug. We were standing in the middle of the hall. It was completely dark except for a small light, shining in from the kitchen. "Its ok, its just me. Don't worry."
We walked back into the living room, and rested back on the couch, this time I was leaning on him, but he didn't have his arms around me. Anything to make me feel safer.
Go ON...
Email: writerjul@hotmail.com
