"That.night..."
"That night..."
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It had been only a few days since it had all happened. Wednesday. It's all there was to think about, and it was making me sick. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. I just kind of sat there in my room, not wanting to leave. The comforter shieled me from all things I was scared of; I knew I was ok. It would all be all right. For one thing, I was on "the pill." (My mother was paranoid from the start, and put me on it; even when I wasn't doing anything like that.) I knew that would save me from the "unexpected", but what about diseases? I knew him, I didn't think he was like that, but after this-what could I expect?
I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't want anyone seeing me like this, knowing how dirty I felt, how dirty he made me feel. But, I knew Taylor would come over, and he would ask what's wrong. He would know something wasn't there. How could I tell him, would he believe me, with our past? Me and mike, before me and Taylor. No, I couldn't. It would be between me and Mike. I hope he dies. He did this to me. Nothing was ever going to be the same.
It was now Sunday. In a distant room, I could hear the phone ring. I think my mom picked it up. My parents didn't get it. They thought I was sick. That was for the better, they didn't even know I was going to the party. They thought I was just hanging out with some friends. I wish Taylor had gone to the party. He would have been there for me, I know. He always is. I don't think I can even face him anymore.
I was silently praying that the phone wasn't for me. I heard my mom call my name, now I was praying that it wasn't the one person I knew would call. She walked in the room and handed me the phone. I didn't even think I could say anything. I muttered a weak "hello?"
"Hey Jules! You ready to go out today?" Taylor's voice rang through my head, overly excited to get me out of the place I had been in for the last four days. He thought I was sick, I tried convincing him I would be better soon, and he obviously thought this was today.
"I don't think so..." I lied, not wanting him to see my face, and my now empty eyes.
"Yea ya are... we're going out, so get ready, I'll pick you up at 1:00." He said, and I could tell he was smiling. I couldn't go out, but I knew I had too. I knew we would do what we always did. Go down to the cabin, and the lake. All of us. Including the whole Hanson clan, plus a couple friends, and girlfriends. The Hanson had bought the house last year, and ever since, we spent many summer days there. The summer was winding down now anyways, they wanted to get the last couple days into the lake.
I had known "the Hansons" for as long as I can remember. The minute I moved into that house 8 years ago, hanging out with the boys was what I did. What we did. When we were younger, we acted like we owned the town; our parents were'nt too happy when we went wandering, and didn't come home till that night. I was there when they sang at the small fairs, and I was at the house when they got the call from Mercury. I was always there; I was in the family too.
Now, 17 years old, both of us, it all felt different. The band was still there, taking a long needed break for the summer. The summer was almost over though, we were ending August. I had to go back to school, and they were going to do another huge promotional thing. I didn't want to think about that now. Many of the fans had grown with them, and respected privacy. Most of them, that is. The newer fans, that were always young tried to catch them in Tulsa, some who actually had luck too. It was comical to be at the movies, and have some young girl walk up to one of them and ask for an autograph. We would joke around about that. Usually though it was Zac who got the younger ones. He was 14, and still the youngest. We didn't exactly hang out with him much, but when we did he always gave us a lot to talk about. He had toned down a lot over the last few years, but what can you say. He was still ZAC. The younger brothers and sister had yet to join the band, unlike the rumors that were said. Jessica and Avery showed little to none interest in "being in the band."
It was weird how "me and Taylor" started. I remember it; its hard to forget. It was'nt that long ago. I always loved him, but not like that. Until one day. I don't know what set him off, but he told me he loved me. It was hard, he was still with Missy, and me and Mike had just broken up. I was really confused, and he was clueless about so many things. But he wanted to make it work, so bad. One night we finally kissed, after A LOT of problems, but we still kissed. We were together from that point on, even though its only been about 6 months. It was different. We actually started fighting, and didn't talk, sometimes for days. But it was great when we made up. The kiss.
"Jules?" Taylor's voice brought me back to my reality. I wasn't getting out of this one today.
"Yea. Sorry, my mind got lost. Ok, one o'clock, I'll be ready." I stated, trying to cover up the disappointment dripping from my voice. I thought I was doing a good job.
"What's wrong? You love the lake." Taylor asked, curiosity killing him.
"Nothing, I'm fine, still feeling kinda sick. I just don't know WHAT I ate at that party!" The party. It sent shivers all over my body just thinking about it, and Taylor was gonna find out, he is going to see me. Damn. I can't hide these things.
"Oh, well, ok, this'll make you feel better, I promise. We can take a walk, like last time, remember?" Sarcasm fit into his voice.
My face grew red; I knew exactly what he meant. We were at the lake. We walked so long, and finally sat down in some open field. We fooled around. A lot. I'm surprised we hadn't actually done the deed right then and there, but we aren't ready and we know it. "Yea, I know." My mind traced off again, his hands on me. Not Taylor's. I hated it, I couldn't do it. I didn't want anyone to touch me, not after what had happened. I hate Mike. I didn't want him to be there, he always was though. He was Taylor's best friend. Either I was with him, or he was.
"Who else is going?" I asked, even though I already knew. The same people as always.
"Duh, you know this," he joked, but went on. "My family, Isaac is bringing some new girl, and Greg and Ryan. Zac has sworn off girls because of Erica again. Give it a week, he's so hung up on her. And then, Mike and the guys." He finished his statement.
I shuddered, not only was I going to have to face Taylor, but Mike was going to be there to see it. I hated him so much.
"Ok, well, let me go get ready..." My clock said 12:12; I had less than an hour. I continued, "Who's driving?"
"I am taking the jeep, and Isaac is taking his car. My parents are taking the van."
Great, I would have to get into that jeep with him. Mike. "Ok, sounds great, later..."
"Sure, bye." He hung up.
I threw the cordless phone onto my chair, and reluctantly got out of bed. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I grabbed some clothes, not really paying attention, and padded down the hallway into the bathroom. Under the hot water, I fought the events that I knew were creeping into my mind. The party. Just four days ago, but I knew it all happened. It was so clear. Becca's parents were gone for the weekend, a split moment decision to have a full out party. Everyone wanted to have a rage before summer ended. All of us were gonna be there, except Taylor. He had got stuck with watching the siblings. I offered to stay, he wouldn't let me...
"No, its ok. You go and have fun, it should be a blast." He said to me grabbing two cups for Mackie and Zoe out of the cabinet.
"Are you sure?" I asked for what seemed like the hundredth time. Isaac walked into the room, all casual, but he looked nice, probably trying to impress some girl.
"Yea, of course." Taylor walked over to me, and pecked my check. I smiled, I wish he could go.
"Okay..." Isaac yelled from the hallway, "C'mon Julie, lets go! I want to get there early!" I glanced quickly at Tay, as he was pouring what looked like grape water into the cups. He looked my way, and winked.
"Have fun, I'll call you tomorrow. Be careful." Be careful. Why didn't I listen? Me and Isaac arrived at the house, already to see it packed. Isaac usually looked out for me, like an older brother, but he felt the same way I did. These were our friends, no worries. We soon lost each other in all the people, I knew I would find him later when we were ready to leave.
I walked around, talking to a lot of friends, mostly Becca. Me and her had become great friends, even after her and Isaac's breakup. She walked off to make sure all the furniture was in tact, and I decided to go out onto the deck, and get some quiet. Not many people were out there. I saw Mike, Taylor's best friend. It was hard to imagine how they were such good friends. Me and Mike had been a couple since the 6th grade. 5 years, most of it we were together just "because." No feelings, just "because." I loved him, but it wasn't the "special" kinda love. I called it quits last year, he just seemed to be dragging me around. That was right before me and Taylor became "us." Mike was standing looking over the deck to the wooded area behind Becca's house.
"Hey Julie!" He yelled, enthusiastically, and slurring. It seemed clear he had a few drinks. I never was one to drink much though. He walked over to me, and gave me a goofy grin.
"Hey..."
"It's so loud. I need to get out of there. You want to go for a walk?" He asked.
"Yea, sure why not." I didn't see a reason not too. It was kinda loud, me and Mike were still friends after everything. I saw no harm, and I wanted to get away from the house, and the music. There was a huge backyard, that led into a few paths. We were always back there, hanging out when we didn't want to be in the house.
We walked down the steps of the deck, and started walking along some little path in the woods. It was quiet for awhile, except for a couple crickets.
"It's so peaceful," I remembered saying, almost a whisper.
"Yea." Was all Mike's response. We walked a little further, Mike started talking again.
"Did you ever think about us? I mean really, about how we were? Do you remember?" He asked so many questions, I almost didn't know what to say. I figured it was the alcohol talking.
"No Mike, not really. Me and you aren't 'us' anymore. It's ended for the best. And its always gonna be that way. I'm happy. Me and Taylor, its what I have always wanted. I'm glad we are still friends, and all."
"But, what about me. I wasn't what you wanted?" It sounded like anger was building up, but I tried to ignore it. I knew he had a temper, I'd seen it many times.
"It's not the same. We were different. We didn't know anything-" I started.
"But" he started whining, I hated that. "We were special. Don't you miss that?" He grabbed my hand, I pulled away. He was walking closer to me, but I was backing away, I bumped back into a tree.
"Please Mike," I said," it was a long time ago. Don't start this. We know its wrong, and I'm with somebody else. Let's go back. I cant be this way..." I stated firmly, standing my grounds.
"No, cause this isn't the way its gonna be!" Mike's voice raised, and startled me. He put his hands on me, pressing me back, kissing my lips. I pulled away fast.
"Listen, stop it! I am not gonna to do this. Taylor would hate you if he knew what you did already. I'm going back, I don't want to be out here anymore." I started to walk away, and he yanked me back.
"Yea right. We both want it, its gonna happen. This is how it was suppose to be."
I knew what he meant. I was still a virgin, just another thing Mike hated. He was so mad, I was still waiting. Waiting for the right time, he knew that. Just another reason we broke up, because I wouldn't "put out." He pushed me firmly up on the tree. We were both standing up. I remember feeling his hands on me, all over me. On my breasts, up my shirt. On my thighs. I felt dirty. I was crying, and he pushed me down. It hurt. I wasn't ready for this, not with Mike, not with anyone. He was heavy, and rough towards me. His hands were all over me, it was disgusting. And, as soon as it started it seemed to be over. Mike got up, I was still crying, and he told me to shut up. He said if I told anyone, even Taylor, they would hate me. I cheated him, cheated on Taylor. Mike was right, I had just cheated on Taylor. I felt like throwing up, I couldn't take it. I could have stopped him, I must have made Mike think like this. Like I wanted him back. I walked behind Mike silently towards the house. I was trying to look presentable, I just hoped I looked ok. I had to find Isaac; I wanted to go home. He was in the house, talking to some girl on the couch. He was nursing some drink, but knowing Isaac, it was probably a Dr. pepper. He gave me a confused look, but didn't say much. He said bye to the girl, got her number, and took me to the car. He didn't really ask anything, I told him I wasn't feeling well. He took that excuse, and let me sit there quietly. I loved him for that, he looked out for me.
The water started getting cold. It woke me up, I was in the shower. I knew I had to get out, they were gonna be here any minute now. I threw on the Gap shirt, and jean shorts, over my bathing suit. I quickly brushed my brown hair, and pulled it up.
To Love You
Email: writerjul@hotmail.com
