In an amazing turn of events, I found just what I wanted in an after xmas sale for just the price I wanted to pay last night! A pre-lit christmas tree, perfect height, $40. Whoo. They had the trees displayed with letters on them, then you had to go to a board to get a tag matching the tree and bring it to a cashier to pay and pick it up. But there were no tags left for the tree I wanted. We decided we'd buy a similar one that was 6 inches taller, considered a "slim" and was regularly $130 (vs. regularly $80 on the one we wanted), but I stumbled on sales' guy on the floor and double checked if being out of slips of paper meant they were out of that tree and he said "maybe... let me call and check." And behold, they had my tree! Whoo. Now, I have to take it out and set it up to make sure everything's there before we stick it in storage until next year, but I'm all excited. All that's left is to find next year's holiday cards (I don't think I'll ever beat two years ago getting perfect cards for 20 cents a box. Two dollars a box last year was pretty good on really nice cards ;)). Rowan played with her new computer - her main gift from us this year - today finally. I asked Gary why she wasn't using the new software that we'd also given her, and he said "oh, I have to update something in the blankety blank blank something technical video card." As I said "Oh. And I *haven't* been asking you for 4 weeks now if this computer was ready to go completely and play her new stuff once we plug it in?" *sigh* Oh well, she still likes the Paint program and typing, but I was really looking forward to seeing her reaction when she played with real kid software with *sound* as she couldn't do that before. :) We also bought Rowan a little pair of ice skates. They're cheezy "beginner blade skates" and not what one should really learn on, but she was so excited at the idea, I figure we'll figure out if she enjoys time on the ice in reality, and if so, then progress to real skates and lessons. We also did buy a sled (actually, it's a toboggan. Whatever the difference is!), and some bird seed, so the birds don't die. I dont' get birds. They tell you once you start feeding them in the fall, you have to finish out the winter or they'll starve because they come to expect the food to be there. Fine, fine. But WHY do they put out an all beaks' bulletin to every other bird in the zip code to come feast at the one house putting out enough food to feed the original 15 birds that were there in November. Now the food that would've lasted them a week or so is gone the first day. Grr. Not to mention the damn squirrel, but that's another story (I hit him in the tail with a broom one day, haven't seen him since. Ha!). If I find a yard full of dead starving birds one of these days, I'm going to be so ticked off at those blabber beaks! ;)

"Since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow." And it did. But y'all know that, goodness, if I hear any more about the 13" snowfall I think I'll scream. Except to say that I can now understand why they call them heart-attack snow falls, as I nearly killed myself shoveling clean one sidewalk (it's nice to live on the corner, great yard and all, until it's time to shovel...). Didn't even get to the other one (I tried to, but between weezing like crazy and the bushes being bent half over into the sidewalk, I couldn't even GET to the sidewalk. A snowblower is high on my birthday gift wish list (the unrealistic one, of course). That or one of the men who live in this building to start doing the shovelling instead of little old me! Geez, funny how even the most liberal among us can suddenly revert to the 50s when it means she'll not be the one holding the shovel and seeing spots and gasping for breath! Anyhow. Rowan is sick sick sick! Gary made himself sick eating too much chocolate. (Funny, yesterday - xmas day - I told Rowan she could eat anything she wanted all day without worry as long as she ate what she got for dinner. So she had candy for breakfast, but asked for some cereal too. She had a few cookies and some chocolate through the day, but ate crackers and cheese and even a red pepper strip at lunch time, ate all her dinner - even the asparagus and the mushrooms in the chicken dish - without complaint, and had two helpings of dessert. Basically, while it's not what I'd recommend one eat on a daily basis, she regulated herself pretty well! Then we have Gary who came home from work a bit early and promptly went to bed whining and pouting and holding his sick tummy because he couldn' help eating lots and lots of chocolate [and didn't admit that until I found a lump of Lindt chocolate wrappers in his pocket!!]). I was going to take Rowan sledding tomorrow, but I realized I don't know if we still have her little sledding thing. Guess it's time to buy a new one. Seems we'll get plenty of use out of it this year if the trend continues. Not that I'm complaining other than the shovelling part. It's about damn time. I think it's the first year Gary's seeing a REAL winter, not an occasional noteworthy storm (granted, he was here for the #1 storm in terms of accumulation for the city - 33" in one day on April 1, 1997). She loves playing in it, and while I do get cold sitting out there with her, I remember how much I loved it, too, and try to shiver through. But between not having a sled and her full of all sorts of germs, I'm thinking it may be an indoor day tomorrow. Maybe we'll play Pretty Pretty Princess, which she got yesterday. Gary said that would be a mommy and Rowan game only, if only he knew the deciding factor in buying it (instead of Trouble) was the photo opportunities of a game involving a daddy and daughter vying to win (and wear) all the necklaces, rings, wands, and finally crowns! And in totally unrelated news, I'm so crazing lemonade right now. I have some fresh lemons, maybe I should make some. *drool* On that note, I'm off to get a drink!

'Tis the Season to be Random... The crassly commercial list Given no monetary constraints, what would you purchase for the people on your gift list during this season? There were some rules to go along with this prompt, including the gifts can only be for those you normally buy gifts for (we make most of our gifts, but that's another story). Interestingly, as I think about this, I'd probably still make the same things (there is a little surprise this year, though traditionally it's just been cookies, but since I've online friends and relatives who'll be getting something this year, I'm not spilling the details!), though I think I'd also include a little something personalized to each recipient as well. But I'm going to stick to the people on the top of the list for this prompt. First, Gary. I would buy us a house and pay off all our debts, which is somewhat a physical thing, but is more a release of worry about financial matters. I'd get him a tatoo (but not a full-back one as he wants. I draw my lines somewhere! ;)), a few fun doodads for the car (a remote starter, CD player), a snowblower (yes, I'd benefit as I'm the one who ends up shoveling most of the time, I admit ;)). A nice curio cabinet for all his little bits and pieces (wolf plates, pewter figurines, etc.) and some nice new baubles for inside (again, I benefit, I can live with them nicely in a cabinet ;)). I'd buy him and Rowan plane tickets to visit his family in England, and a book of gift certificates for weekly massages. Oh, and lots of McDonald's gift certificates as well. ;) (Interestingly, again, I would probably still get him the same things I already am, as well. They're not as elaborate, but I think it means more to come up with something small yet personal than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars with "stuff.") Then, Rowan. I'd buy her a pony (okay, wait, that one is as much for me as her... but she did say she wanted to go ride horses again after Jessica's birthday party). Beyond that, though, there's really nothing I can think of that she really wants and/or needs that she's not already getting. I'd probably add to stuff she already has (more legos, more unusual craft materials, more Barbie clothes [it is SO hard to find just clothes, not whole new Barbie dolls!], books of course), but there's nothing big and new that she would really want. Except, perhaps, an indoor pool. ;) She has expressed an interest in a telescope, so maybe a really nice one of those. My mother and Jim: a nice, long vacation of their choosing (or nice separate vacationS of their choosing ;-)). Maid service (though, then where would I write my name in the dust?!), a second car, and a horse. Hey, I *really* want that horse. ;) My father and Jody: Geez, I've no idea! I think this is in part why I stick to making things, I can come up with those ideas!! New cars all around, and some sort of time machine to hurry up the time until they get back to Massachusetts (oh, wait, it was without budgetary restraints not reality restraints, eh?). Hessie: Is there any question? A ticket here every few months! And Pandora. My church:A second story full of classroom space! (Okay, so I don't normally buy them gifts, but I would if I had the money ;)) The spiritual list What intangible things would you like to give to the people on your gift list? Well, to everyone peace, happiness with just enough sorrow to appreciate it, and much love. Specifically to Gary and Rowan, the knowledge of my undying love for them even when I'm irrationally pissed off about something stupid in the grand scheme of things. Back to everyone, the ability to accept others and be accepted by them no matter what. And, of course, the ability to accept ourselves.

December 1st... how did this happen? But besides thinking about the hoopla of having only 3 weeks and a couple of days left to finish preparing for the holidays, my mind is elsewhere today. It's World AIDS Day. Yes, did you know AIDS is still around? Amazing, isn't it, how little one hears about it these days. The popular disease of the decade (or half-decade, perhaps) has rotated on, breast cancer seems to be the current favorite (and popular across the board - breast cancer victims and survivors are moms, daughters, sisters, friends... it never started being a disease for some easy to ignore outsider groups. Even Republicans can admit they get breast cancer [hell, they can admit they have "Erectile Disfunction" on national TV, so long as it's only happening in the bedroom with a partner of the opposite sex]). But AIDS is still out there ("lust keeps on lurking"). Anyhow. Let's back up a step. Today's entry is brought to you on behalf of Link and Think, a project designed to get webloggers across the 'net to write about AIDS and link to relevant sites. I signed up to do it last year, but being the procrastinator I am, I didn't get to it until January, and even then it was just a passing paragraph. I almost went to bed tonight without remembering to do this entry, but won't repeat last year! :) So. AIDS. I have to admit, I haven't kept up with it much. I only know of one person, personally, who is HIV positive, I'm in a long-term monagamous relationship, I've never done any sort of drugs, much less any that require injecting myself, Rowan is young enough that I'm not concerned she's about to become sexually active (oh, please, please tell me we have a good 12+ years on that one!). I live in a nice safe bubble, and as I said already, AIDS isn't the headline grabber it once was; it's just easy to let it slip into background noise. I don't scorn those who end up HIV positive, I don't think it's a curse put upon certain people for whatever, but basically, I don't pay much attention to it anymore. The most personal connection I can think of lately was wondering, about a year ago, if I would be able to donate blood after doing inseminations with sperm from a gay man for surrogacy - one of the questions they ask is if you've ever had sex with a man who has had sex with other men. Well, no, it wasn't sex, but for purposes of STD transmission, it might as well have been. But I was also using frozen quarantined sperm that I *knew* was totally healthy. I was in internal debate as whether I would be lying to say no to the question or not (and ended up not donating blood. *sigh* I should go do that, though I *still* don't know what would be the right thing to do. They just don't make manuals for this sort of thing!). (As I'm writing this, the news is on in the background. Some company - Vaxsomething - is awaiting FDA approval for an AIDS vaccine as they're in the final phases of human trials. My first thought was "yay!" Then I listened. It has a 30% success rate. This is after 7 years of working on this specific vaccine, and they're ready to go public with it on the market with a 70% failure rate. Gee. Let the wild partying begin.) Anyhow, from time to time, the issue of HIV and surrogacy comes up in surrogacy circles. It's interesting to see the mix of opinions (here is an excellent example), especially when people remain calm and reasonable (hey, half of the participants ARE on artificial hormones at any given time... ;-)). Anyhow. *sigh* I should spend a week preparing my entry next year, I feel like I'm just fluttering around here without a point to make, or without the ability to make the point if there is one.

"It is a pity that I have not more to leave you than words. But what is a life, after all, but a story, some fiction and some truth?" -J. Nozipo Maraire, Zenzele: A Letter for my Daughter (One of - surprise - this month's Random Acts of Journaling prompts. Just under the wire, no less!) There are many ways this quote reflects my life, my own journals, a journal I'm keeping for Rowan about her via my eyes, our family scrapbooks which are basically a public album of our life via my eyes, and of course the website and this blog itself. It's all a collection of words (and some pictures), and at times I think it's the only thing of any worth I can leave the world (and to whom it would be worth anything is questionable enough). My first thought when I read it was to twitch at the mention of a life being fact and fiction - how can life itself be fiction? But the more I dwelled on it, the more the reality of the statement struck me. I mean, if you read this blog, you'd never have a clue about many things that go on inside our home, much less inside my head. It's full of self-censorship when I realize it's all posted here under my real name, with real family members able to read it, knowing it's being archived as I type somewhere, sure to come back sometime to bite me in the ass if I say the wrong thing. I've not, that I can recall, actually lied at any point, but there sure is a lot of omission going on at times. The scrapbook? My goodness, to read it, you'd only think our life was fun and parties and trips and good hair days. I read scrapbooking magazines, and a common thread that comes up from time to time is the need to include more mundane day-to-day stuff, as well as the downright sad. And while I think that would be more accurate if I were trying to make my scrapbooks as a statement of what our family life really is, that's not why I took up scrapbooking. I love the papers, the pens, the photographs, the memories preserved. But more than that, I like looking back on the good stuff. Who wants to pull out a scrapbook and read about marriage counselling sessions or when I fell over backwards at my aunt's funeral viewing because I'd lost my balance while on the prayer kneeler thing holding Rowan and had to choose in that split section between trying to hold myself upright and likely tumbling Rowan into the open coffin or falling on my butt? I do try to include things *I* think of as mundane that I know someday will be fascinating, like the receipts from our trip to Florida last year - it'll probably be amazing to imagine a day at Disney "only" costing $150 when Rowan has kids (egads) -my mother showed me the hospital bill from when she was born a few years ago and it was downright hysterical now (well under $500 for everything, including the standard *seven days* my grandmother was in the hospital after the birth!). But the miserable? It just doesn't seem right to include it. Again... omission. My own journals? How sad is it that I reread a high school journal and am not sure at some points if there are just things I've totally repressed, or if I was actually lying in my own diary. I've been debating torching the whole thing, because every now and again I reread it, and it always makes me cringe (but there are parts that I reread and say "I HAVE to keep that!" and I decide against it). Well, I had it on my computer desk a week or so ago, the computer room also being the cat room - where the cats get locked at night, where their food, litter, and water is, etc.... and when I went back in the next morning, the diary was sitting in one of the litterboxes. It seemed somewhat appropriate. I did end up digging it out, but I don't think that I'll be reading it again, there are some truths I really don't think need to be revisited. I wonder, sometimes,if I should work harder to include the negative, the painful, in all these forums, for my own memory - years from now willl I need to have some reminder that things weren't always shiney and happy. But, you know, I don't think I'll forget that, and while I may well forget the details of why things weren't always wonderful, what would be the point in bringing it back? IS there any reason Rowan would want to know every fight that Gary and I had when she was young, or the times I yelled out of frustration from having my personal space invaded instead of because she was doing somethign actually wrong? Will my grandchildren really care that in November of 2002, we were worried about how we would manage to cover rent, oil, an unexpected car payment, and normal expected expenses all in one week? Would some random visitor searching for some weird search terms (like "Heather's urine" or "she was a he sex") want to know when I've had a week where I thought it would be easier to just hiberate for the winter or at least run away to live with Hessie for a few months? Fact...fiction... self-preservation... self-censorship... discretion... subtlety... who knows? I leave these words, and wonder if at any point anyone will even read them, and if they do, if they'd really care about all the words left unsaid and which of the words weren't true at all.