"I'm not very good at being alive. Sometimes I despair of ever getting it right. Maybe when I'm old, perhaps when I'm thirty...." From The Silver Metal Lover, Tanith Lee Random Acts of Journaling strikes again! Recently, I've been thinking a lot about turning 30. I am currently 28, will be 29 in January, and - presumably - will turn 30 in January of 2004. When I write it out like that it sounds much further away than "in 15 months." And I can't wait. I remember quite clearly the time I thought 30 seemed ancient (I recall figuring out I would be 26 in the year 2000, and that seeming eternities away, as well). And while I certainly don't feel that I'll be over THE hill come 30, I do think it's a big peak to cross. I'm hoping at that point, in my head, at least, I will be a real grown-up. There are days I feel such a fraud in my life. I'm not supposed to be the one chaperoning field trips, I 'm supposed to be hiding in the back of the bus with friends talking about who the cute boys on the bus are! My tenth high school reunion is this weekend (I will not be attending, though I keep running into former classmates all over town lately, it's getting bizarre!), and it feels like a few days ago I left vowing never to return (still haven't, still twitch when I drive by). I talk to these people I graduated with who are now teachers, lawyers, artists... and what am I? I still don't own a single pair of high heels shoes (higher than half in inch, that is), and think I have one pair of pantyhose in a drawer somewhere. I don't drive. I drink Coke for breakfast. And *I* am supposed to be the grown-up?? Thirty is what I'm looking to as my big turning point. I'm sure I'll wake up the morning after my birthday and feel entirely the same, but at the same time, I hope I don't. I hope somehow, something I do makes me feel a lot lesss like I'm playing pretend with my life. At the least, I plan to dig out and see how much I've accomplished from my list of 100 things I want to do in my life. Hopefully I can cross a few off. I doubt I'll suddenly be better at life on the whole, but I'm hoping that I'll feel I fit better into my reality.