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More Old WUBS

It's The: BACK TO THE FUTURE WUB


Setting: Kelly's Diner

Edward: Dang, Nabbit, move over you old goat so I can sit at the table!
Alan: Who are you calling old goat, you old goat?
Tracey: Good God, be quiet! Isn't it bad enough they scheduled a staff meeting NOW, in the middle of my pretend death? I mean, really...Luke had better not see me!
Luke: Too late. You know, I was going to have you scheduled to appear on Family Plots next week. Dang. Hey, Pops!
Edward: Don't call me Pops! Why, I'm young enough to be your brother!
Bobbie: Shhhhhhhhhhh! (boobalation jiggle) They're coming! Lucas...put your Vogue away!
Lucas: You know, I know I'm gay, but do they have to give me these magazines to read? It's not like I'm the sterotypical gay guy. Right?
Georgie: Give me back my lipgloss!
Pratt: We are so happy to announce our new plan for GH!
Sam: Oh, geesh, I hope we all aren't getting a new face. I'm sick of Carly's...
Jason: Blink. What? New face? Didn't notice.
Pratt: I'll let Bob here take it away!
Bob: It's HUGE! IT'S EXCITING! It's MAGICAL!
Ned: Hey, isn't that a labcoat?
Robin: I think it's mine...
Guza: PUT ON YOUR GOGGLES PEOPLE! This is dangerous...
Lulu: Oh, gross. I'm NOT messing up my hair for goggles!
Skye: I hear ya...
Alkie: I think you'll be blinded with that giant light..
Guza: ALL IT WILL TAKE is 900 jigg-a-watts of power and POOF!
Pratt: Well, how do you feel?
Liz: Oh. My. God..MY HAIR!
Emily: Pfffffffft. You look like that chick from Saved by the Bell...
Liz: Well, you look like Julia Roberts in Mystic Pizza...
Luke: Holy Crap..do I have on a white blazer and aqua t-shirt. Tell me I don't.
Tracey: Ok, if you don't tell me I have on spandex and black leg-warmers...
Dillon: Hey, my hair's the same...
Ned: So's Noah's..hey everyone ELSE has gone all retro..why not DRAKE?
Pratt: Oh, silly he still has his shag-o-mullett from the '80's! No need to deal with that.
Michael: What is this thing?
Carly: That's a Ninja Turtle honey!
Michael: I want my gameboy DS!
Sonny: Ah...I think I have some zoot-suit pants on. They look kinda sexy, don't cha think, Carly?
Carly: Only if you're in a mariachi band! And LOOK at my shoulders! I'm NOT playing football...I'm a lady!
Jason: Uh. Blink. Don't know...
Guza: Well, folks, let me introduce you to Robert...and HOLLY! They are back from the dead to come on in and pep up this show!
Robert: Put 'notha shrimp on the baaaaaaaaaaaaa-bee.
Jax: That's MY LINE!
Courtney: I'm so confused.
Holly: Hello, just call me Fallon.
Pratt: (whispers) wrong show..
Holly: Oh, sorry. I mean Holly...
Luke: Wait..are Tiffany and Sean coming back cause I really need to bust some on Tiff
Guza: Don't bother me with those trivial questions! I can tell you we will have the spa...
Pratt: We are working on getting Lorna back as we speak..
Mike: Hey...aren't I on Ryan's Hope?
Monica: If I have to have an affair with Alan AND Rick again, I'll scream! Just scream I tell you!
Lulu: Half of us aren't even born yet!
Guza: Sure you are...it's BACK to the FUTURE...get it?? GET IT?
Alan: I see a fortune in botox here...
Luke: Any more surprises GaP?
Pratt: Actually look outside....
Luke: Dang, it's the PINK CADDY!
Dillon: Ok, that's one ugly car.
Lulu: I kinda like it, goes with my hair...
Guza: Mac! Where's MAC SCORPIO?
Mac: Right here..
Guza: You need to have your Aussie accent back..so go over there and practice.
Mac: Oh, come on!
Georgie: He's Australian? NO WAY!
Maxie: Wow..cool. Come on, say Dingo for us, Mac!
Jax: THAT'S MY LINE!
Pratt: Ok, we have to go now--Bob has to go dust off the disco set and try to convince the producers to let us hire the Love Boat for our sweeps week...
Bobbie: Isn't that the '70's ???
Guza: YOU PEOPLE have NO VISION! Come on, Charlie, let's go, I'm dying for a funky cold medina!
Ned: If I have to dance the Footloose, I'm going to walk! Hear me!??

FIGHT THE FACE 3

setting: Quartermaines

Edward: (remember, Always played by John Ingle) Dang Nabbit! What in the Sam Hill are we all doing here now? Tiger Woods is playing in the Atlanta PGA!

Monica: Oh, shut up, Edward, Robin Scorpio's coming home! It's the least we can do.

Tracey: Yeah, and we haven't used the party room in..oh...3 or 4 years.

Ned: Well, everyone's here I think...even those kids in the corner. Who are they anyway?

Edward: Jessie something, Kenny, Jose or whatever...

Maxie: DIEGO..

Edward: Same country.... here, give me some of that dip.

Luke: Who you callin' a dip?

Tracey: Oh, you slay me...Good one.

Skye: Shhhhh, shhhhh, here she comes...

Jason: And this is our..our..I think it's the livingroom, but I can't be sure....

SURPRISE!

Robin: Wow! Gosh! Geesh, you scared me!

Jason: Wait..I think I'm having a nosebleed here...

Edward: Robin! Robin! Here...have a seat. We're so happy you're home, my dear.

Robin: Uh...well, thanks, I think. Where's Lila?

Edward: Shakes his head.

Robin: Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, where's AJ?

Edward: Shakes his head.

Robin: Gosh...uh...Well...

Ned: I'm here!

Robin: Ned! Hi! Where's Lois?

Ned: Shakes head. But that's ok, you wouldn't have recognized her anyway.

Emily: Uh, hi Robin.

Robin: Hi. Who are you?

Monica: Robin! It's Emily. Isn't she lovely?

Robin: Well..I guess so but...

Lucky: Hey, girl, what's shakin?

Robin: Oh, hi...you must be one of the new policemen...

Luke: Silly girl, come on...can't you tell who this handsome devil is?

Robin: I'm so confused!

Luke: Must be that jet lag or fancy Parisian water..it's Lucky. You know, Cowboy...Luke Jr....the Luckster...

Robin: Wow.

Nikolas: yeah, and he used to look just like AJ Chandler!

Robin: At least you're the same.

Nikolas: I think you missed my double-face-transplant.

Robin: Uh, oKaaaaay....

Maxie: (runs up to Robin, hugs her) Robin! I've missed you so much!

Robin: Don't tell me...I know you, right?

Maxie: I'm Maxie, silly! Geesh..and you remember Georgie...

Mini: Hey, Robin.

Robin: Wow, I must be older than I think!

Lulu: Hi Robin. Grandma told me a lot about you.

Robin: Grandma?

Lulu: You know, Grandma Leslie. I'm Lulu.

Robin: NO way. I mean, that's impossible.

Luke: They grow like weeds, don't they darlin'?? Have you seen Lucas? Now there's a piece of work! I mean he's had about 15 faces or somethin' (shivers) scary.

Mac: Hey, good lookin'

Robin: Uncle Mac! Thank Goodness it's you!

Mac: Aren't you going to say hi to Felicia?

Robin: Sure, where is she?

Felicia: Oh, come on, girlfriend. How are you?

Robin: I don't feel so good...

Carly: Is this GOODIE TWO SHOES HERSELF? All fresh from her TRIP to France? Lah dee dah!!!???

Robin: Excuse me?

Carly: Oh, don't play stupid. We know you're a brain. (flips hair).

Robin: I'm sorry..I don't know..

Jason: It's Carly.

Robin: No it's not.

Jason: Yes. It is.

Robin: Come on...that's not Carly

Bobbie: (wiggles chestial) yes it is. You missed her last two faces. This is by far the best..giggle.

Luke: Oh, quit kissin' up. You know you're days are numbered.

Sonny: Hey.

Robin: Sonny...Sonny. It's you and I can still hear your shoes! Hi.

Sonny: Lots of changes huh?

Robin: You're telling me.

Liz: Robin! Hi!

Robin: Elizabeth. Oh, you look great. Believe me!

Liz: Yeah, it's kinda spooky isn't it? You get used to it though...

Robin: You do?

Liz: Well, you kinda have to. One day you wake up and there's a blonde next to you..the next day there's a brunette...it's weird!

Robin: Ok, I think I need to get out of here...can we go now, Jason?

Jason: Huh? What? Me? Who are you?

Robin: What?

Sam: Wait, here...Jason..you hit your head, remember?

Jason: Robin?

Sam: No, I'm Sam...not Robin

Robin: Yeah..I'm Robin

Luke: Ya could'of fooled me!

Tracey: Ain't that the truth...either that or I've had one too many cosmos!

Luke: After awhile, they all look the same, babe...all look the same.

FIGHT THE FACE II


Setting: Bobbie's House, early one morning

Lucas: Hey Mom...
Bobbie: Oh, hi honeeeee! (she's stirring scrambled eggs and jiggling) Have a seat. Your eggs will be ready in a jiff!
Lucas: Well..uh..Mom? I got a problem?
Bobbie: Oh, Honeeeey! There's clean sheets in the hallway...
Lucas: Geesh, MOM, not that! God! I mean I woke up and..
Bobbie: Come on, sit down, drink your juice. We don't want you to have a glucose-attack now.
Lucas: MOM!
Bobbie: Listen here, young man, this is the first time I've seen this kitchen in SIX YEARS! Sit down!
Lucas: Ok, but...Mom, look at me.
Bobbie: What? You look fine, maybe a bit tired but...
Lucas: It's happened AGAIN!!
Bobbie: What?
Lucas: You know...the thing that happens to me all THE TIME! I mean, I wake up and I'm either way taller, or way shorter or have a different face!
Bobbie: Oh, that?? Is that all? Well, don't worry about it! I mean, half the town has a new face!
Lucas: Well, no one's had more than me..it's ..it's embarrassing!
Bobbie: You know, Lucas...your sister Carly isn't complaining...
Lucas: Carly? She's my sister?
Bobbie: Well, half-sister...she just got a whole new face and body and hasn't complained once! And Maxie? She's in the HOSPITAL! Waiting for another heart! You don't hear her crying do you? Now, here...eat your eggs.
Lucas: Maxie? Has a new face too? Geesh, Dad must be busy...
Bobbie: Your father has been working his fingers to the bone! Felicia was his last patient. He was exhausted after Emily Quartermaine, Lucky and Lois! I can't imagine how he does it. Talent, I guess.
Lucas: Why does he keep having to mess with me though...
Bobbie: Lucas, we all have to make sacrifices. I mean, look at me...I may not have a new face, but there's been a few "improvements" here and there...
Lucas: Is it true in the early days, he was just a breast man?
Bobbie: LUCAS! (ruffles her boobalations) Where did you hear that? It's just gossip! Your father has ALWAYS been a face man! He did Carly when Carly was the first Carly! He did Helena Cassadine back in the day! Why he even made Alkazar look just like Alkazar after his fall! Now, eat. I'll be back in a minute...

Bobbie goes to the bedroom and makes a call...
Bobbie: Tony?
Tony: Bobbie! I told you never to interrupt me when I'm on the set of 7th Heaven! I have a job here! What is it?
Bobbie: Lucas...I mean, I think you went to far this time!
Tony: Look, you know I'm trying for that new spot on Nip/Tuck! I have to keep doing my work as best I can! By the way, how's Felicia doing?
Bobbie: Okay, I guess. Mac is pretty upset though. I mean, half his family has a new face.
Tony: He's just lucky I didn't work on him! I have to go...but I'll be back in town soon. I have a few more people to see.
Bobbie: Oh! Tony! Who's next?!
Tony: You know I can't tell you that...we shouldn't even be talking now!
Bobbie: Well...okay. Take care. (hangs up)
Lucas: (yelling from the kitchen) MOM! I think you'd better come in here!!!!!!
Bobbie: Oh, dear...
Justus: I have to see your mother now..I mean right NOW!
Bobbie: Oh, dear...
Justus: (yelling) THEY MESS WITH ME AGAIN, I'll kill..you got it? Tell the Doc that! Edward still hasn't recovered and I'm not goin' under again! You hear me?!!
Bobbie: Oh, Justus...calm down!
Justus: Next thing you know, I'll be lookin' like Michael Jackson!
Lucas: I hate this town.
Justus: Ain't that the truth....

THE MAXIE-WUB; Fight the Face!

Setting: GH...lobby/nurses station

Mac: I just heard, where's Maxie?
Mini: They just took her in! Oh, I'm so upset! Where's Mom?
Mac: I don't know, she was right behind me and...
FauxFlea: Duh! Here I am!
Mac: No, I mean, my WIFE...Felicia
FauxFlea: Well, HELLOOO, I'm here! (waves)
Mini: Come on, we have to get in to see Maxie...time's a wastin!
Mac: You're right..now, Miss whoever you are , run along. You're obviously wanted on the WB set or something...
FauxFlea: People around here are so dense...
Carly #3: (walking by) Yep..tell me about it. They act like I don't exist or something!
FauxFlea: Excuse me..
Bobbie: Oh, Heloooooo, (shakes chestal area) what can I do for you?
FauxFlea: Bobbie, it's me...FELICIA
Bobbie: Oh, please..you're NO Felicia. Then again, my daughther has been looking a bit weird lately as well. I mean really weird. (shakes head) So..well, maybe you ARE Felicia..but I just saw you last week and...Oh, never mind. Have you seen Maxie yet?
NuFlea: No...
Bobbie: Me either..she's all hooked up to stuff..I hear the transplant went well.
FauxFlea: Thank God! I couldn't let myself think she'd never get another heart!
Bobbie: Heart? What makes you think she got one of THOSE? Giggle...
Monica: Bobbie, I need an IV in room 797 stat! Wow, that feels great...after 4 years, actually saying something medical!
Bobbie: Tell me about it! I've been using the intercom all day just to make prank pages!
FauxFlea: Uh, hello, Monica...you could tell me how my daughter's doing.
Monica: Stares.
Bobbie: I know, what can you do? It's going around lately? Come on, honey, I'll show you your daughter...Here..there she is...
FauxFlea: She looks...well, rather puffy.
Bobbie: That's because of the swelling, silly.
FauxFlea: Why are there bandages on her face?
Bobbie: That's because of the stitches, silly.
FauxFlea: Stitches?
Tony Jones: Hello, ladies. How's our patient?
Bobbie: Tony, I was just explaining to this psyche patient here (makes crazy signal with hand) that Maxie's had face stitches.
Tony: Bobbie, that's FELICIA, I operated on her a week ago.
Bobbie: You did?
Tony: You didn't notice? I did her and Carly at the same time!
Bobbie: Tony! You know, I think you've taken this whole Doctor 90210 thing too seriously! Really! Who's next?
Tony: OH, I don't give out that kind of information. Move over, will you? The camera crew from Extreme Makeover is due any second. I want to show them my work.
Bobbie: Tony, you know, I don't think this is such a good idea, making the whole town over like this...
Tony: If you don't like it, talk to Mr Guza, it was his idea. "Let's jump on the bandwagon while it's hot" he said. I think we're doing our own "Swan" here next month. Seeing if we can help all the ugly gals in town.
Bobbie: There are ugly girls here?
Tony: Well, 'over there' you know, on the other side of the river. We'll find 'em. If not, we'll import them. Hey, did you see my work on Sam? Nice set of...
FauxFlea: Tony! There's children in the room!
Tony: Sorry, my bad. Karen www.wubs.net www.constancetowers.com

The WEDDING of NUMness WUB

Setting: Small, chapel all swished out in winter crystal glow

Monica: (in the bridal chamber) Oh, Emily...oh...sniff..Emily, you are so wonderfully beautiful, I can barely get my lines out. Sniff.
Embrat: Oh, mother. You are...too kind (smile)
Monica: No, you are. Don't you know how wonderful you are? This entire family is so nasty and you are just...sniff..sniff..well, you light up the entire room when you walk in!
Alan: Is this OUR Emily? Why, you're so beautiful! So wonderfully beautiful! You take my breath away...sniff...good lord, you are so pretty.
Embrat: Oh, thank you...I am not worthy, but thank you....
Monica; Oh, she's worthy, isn't she Alan, I mean, after all, she single handedly saved our entire family from going to hell!
Tracey: (booms in the room) Oh, for God Sake, shut up and let her get down the aisle will ya? I'm hungry and my feet hurt!
Monica: Tracey! Can't you for once be NICE? For once? I mean, in the presence of such goodness and innocence and light?! Come with me, and we'll get seated so this lovely vision of wonderfulness can finally walk down the aisle.
Emily: Oh, you are so sweet.
Tracey: I am gagging here!
Alan: Excuse me, honey, I have to use the little boys room before walking you down--just seeing you makes my bowels loose!
Embrat: (looks at herself in the mirror, twirls around in her lovely princess netting of a dress)
DAH! DAH! DAH! (bad man music)
Embrat: (spins around) CONNOR!
Connor: Emily.
Embrat: CONNOR!
Connor: Emily.
Embrat: Well, what are you doing here? (breathes hard)
Connor: Nothing. Just looking at your wonderfulness. You sure are beautiful.
Embrat: Connor, don't ruin this for me, please, I beg of you.
Connor: I love you too much to do that... I love you and your beauty. (slinks away)
Alan: There, all set...phew. Anyway, ready to go?
Embrat: (looks into the distance after Connor) Yes..I am ready.
Alan: You know, Emily, you've overcome so much. I mean, your mother dying... the breast cancer...that fire; the spider; all the Helena Curses and yet here you are, totally and wonderfully beautiful. I am so proud of you.
Embrat: Hey, weren't we addicted to drugs together once too?
Alan: Oh, (eyes fill with tears) Yes, the memories..sniff. Good times.
Alexis: (knock knock) Emily, may I talk to you for a moment?
Embrat: Sure..you will after all, be my Aunt now too!
Alexis: Well, yes...that is true. You look so wonderful. Have I thanked you enough for loving Nikolas and bringing him from the brink of disaster so many times? Of couse I haven't! You are just so wonderful. You do know that by marrying Nikolas you will now be in line for the keeper of the Cassadine Faberge egg of gold?? I have a minature one here on a chain to give you. May it keep you safe for always.
Embrat: Oh, it's wondeful. Thank you.
Alexis: And don't worry about all that stuff you hear about the Cassadines, and the curses and that all Cassadine brides end up with their heads chopped off. I'm sure that won't happen to you.
Embrat: Oh, dear.
Alexis: After all, Stavros is dead--Stefan is dead and Helena is dead. Oh, and Kristina my sister is dead too. That doesn't leave many Cassadines at all. So, no worries. Anyway, you're too wonderful for anything to happen to you!
Embrat: (smile--look down....smile)
Alexis: Well, I'm off! I have to go see to my daughter, who's recovering from the disease...
Embrat: What disease is that anyway?
Alexis: She's Sonny's child. It effects about 90% of the babies born in Port Charles lately. It's very strange...but perfectly curable with lawyers, a custody battle and lots of blowing into paper bags. Or..well, sometimes a car bomb. But, I don't like to think about that. Goodbye!

Later...
Nikolas: You've never looked so beautiful, my wonderful Emily Bride. I now declare you my Cassadine wife..forever tied to me in the bondage of love.
Embrat: (eye filling...smiles..looks down) Oh, Nikolas. I love you. Sniff. I really love you. Did I tell you I love you? Because...sniff..I do.
Monica: (whispers to Alan) Isn't she wonderful?
Alan: (sigh) Wonderful....
Minister: I know pronounce you Cassadine and wife! You may now kiss the bride!
Nikolas: I have one last surprise for you ....
Emily: Oh, stop, I can't stand anything more....
Nikolas (whistles)...here she is to carry us off ...
Embrat: Sheba!
Mac: I'm sorry, Nikolas I can't allow this. You are still under arrest for the killing of Helena.
Lucky: Oh, come on, commissioner, don't be so mean. You let people out of prison all the time to get married--have a reception and put on a tux!
Mac: We do not. We have integrity at the PCPD! I only did this because Felicia and I were finally invited to something.
Felicia: Yeah...it's about time too!
Bobbie: Didn't you wear that to AJ and Carly's wedding?
Felicia: Be quiet, it's not like YOU'VE been to anything lately either!
Bobbie: You're telling me...I had to get a new agent to get into this party!
Mac: Enough! Come on Nikolas, I have to shackle you.
Nikolas: Goodbye fair wife..
Embrat: Sniff..Oh, I shall miss you! I love you! Not even an evil twin shall keep me from you!
Nikolas: Farewell...keep Sheba fed and watered and safe!
Embrat: With my life!
Lois: Gawd, ain't they swell?
Ned: yeah...swell.
Tracey: Wait..there's no reception? I mean, just this champagne toast and some deviled eggs? Well, this sucks. Let's go.
Lulu: Grandma, didn't mommie marry a Cassadine? Was she happy?
Leslie: Well..not exactly honey--she ended up a blathering idiot who's now missing and, sniff..oh, nevermind.
Monica: That will never happen to Emily, honey..she's too wonderful.
Leslie: That's what we all though about Laura....remember?
Monica: Oh, dear.

~THE END~
Wedding brought to you by: Feta Puffs, Faberge and Vera Wang

POST ELECTION PARTY AT THE Q'S WUB

Setting: Q's Mansion, where else?
Note: "Edward"will be played by John Ingle's Edward-so use that voice in your head!

Edward: Dang Nabbit! Where's my HAT! Where's my lucky elephant hat?
Tracey: Daddy... I think I saw that hat under Ned's front tire...
Edward: Damn LIBERALS IN THIS HOUSEHOLD! Well, nevermind. The right man WON this year! My stocks are rising faster than Cook's bread! I'm so happy I could hug...(goes to Tracey) er.....shake your hand.
Tracey: Oh, Daddy, you're so transparent. I'm happy George won too, but you don't see me throwing a party (swigs her cosmo) it's so..so...
Alan: Communistic?
Monica: You know Alan, this is my house and since I voted for Kerry, I think I should have a say in what happens here.
Tracey: Monica, you haven't had a say since 1992. Get over it.
Edward: Where IS everyone? I hope Reginald got out those invitations!
Heather: Oh, darling, Reginald who? He hasn't worked here for years. I mailed them on my way to the bank the other day.
Door opens...Flea and Mac walk in
Tracey: Look what the cat dragged in. (crosses arms) I don't think you have the right address!
Mac: Isn't the party here?
Tracey: Since when have YOU two been invited to a party lately? (laughs) No, you're party is in the gatehouse with Ned. You DO remember Ned, don't you?
Felicia: Of course we do...(smiles) I mean, he just got his daughter and ex-wife back. I mean, he HAS to be invited to the party.
Lois (comes out of kitchen): OH, MY GAWD! Poo-ah Felicia! Ya really think it's about Ned? Please. It's about me, my daugh-tah the Avail Lavene in training and Alkazah. Ned--he's just old baggage. Now, run along.
Mac: You know, you're not very nice.
Lois: Ya know, YOU get no scripts.
Felicia: So, like, we're in the gatehouse?
Edward: We heard who you voted for. Goodbye!
Brookloin: Hi everyone. Notice my new PUNK-style T-shirt? Well, actually, it's Preppy-Punk. The hottest in the hottie wear. Hey, where's Uncle Dillon? Like, I have a new demo for him to see...
Alan: They are upstairs.
Brookloin: They?
Lois: Now, honey, don't 'cha get upset but we needed some "OC" action heah in Pouraht Chuck. They're just...you know...actin' like those Real Waldah's on MTV. Nothin' big.
Brookloin: Wait, THEY get to play OC and I get to ..what?
Alan: Go out and see your father. He'll tell you.
Brookloin: Oh, not another dysfunctional teen coming on the show I have to talk to!? GOD! I hate that!
Lois: Be a good-girl and run along. I'll be out latah and we'll do nails. Kiss Kiss.
DING DONG! (Luke and Skye walk in)
Skye: I still don't know why we're here.
Luke: Come on, baby, it's a PARTY and Luke Spencer doesn't miss a party...
Skye: (rolls eyes) yeah, unless he's on vacation...
Luke: HEY! EDDIE! What's hangin'?
Edward: (narrows eyes) Did you two vote for Bush?
Skye: Of course I did, who else is going to watch out for my tax-sheltered trusts?
Luke: Dude. I don't vote. Government is corrupt. I'm counter-culture, man. Can't ya tell by my slang and the earring?
Edward: Well, no vote is better than a Kerry vote, I guess you can stay.
Luke: Cool..now, let's break out the French Bubbly I brought and ...
Tracey: eek!
Alan: Did he say...?
Edward: WHAT IN THE SAM HILL!? Get out, Spencer and take the traitor wine with you!
Luke: Wow..tough room.
Monica: Well, that was unpleasant.
Tracey: Shut up, Monica. The ONLY reason you're here is this is your house and oh, yeah, you survived breast cancer. We need you in October. That's about it. Now, move over.
Monica: Oh, I hope you get run over by a bus. Alan, have you seen Bobbie?
Edward: Bobby? BOBBY KENNEDY! Not in this house! I refuse to let the most liberal senator in the world through my front door! No sir..no..
Alan: Father, I think she meant the other Bobbie...
Edward: What other Bobby? There's a worse one?
Monica: Oh for Pete's sake, BOBBIE SPENCER! The nurse!
Tracey: Nurse? Why would there be a nurse on this show?
DING DONG! Dreamy music comes on...everyone goes quiet..there's a hush...
Monica: Oh, Emily!
Alan: It's Emily, look! It's the good one of our family!
Brookloin: I'm just leaving but great to see you Miss Emily (curtsies)
Emily: (feigns blushing) Oh, you are all too kind. Here's my new friend...Connor Bishop.
Connor: Hey.
Monica: Oh, Emily, honey...that's Nikolas Cassadine with a bad frost job. Are you ok? Do you need to sit down?
Alan: I'll get you a glass of water...
Tracey: Oh, brother...(rolls eyes) You know, you DO look like Nikolas
Connor: So. I've been told.
Emily: (laughs) Oh, well, he's just a lonely soul walking through this world alone, so alone and even though I think he means me harm doesn't mean I shall desert him in his time of need...sigh.
Monica: Sigh.
Alan: Sigh.
Tracey: Snort.
Edward: Son, you an Iraqi vet?
Connor: Yes, Sir, I am Sir.
Edward: Well, pull up a chair! Anyone being exploited for their duty on this show is a friend of mine!
Emily: Oh, I am so happy we are so unified! It's almost like ...sniff...Jenna Bush says: A family that sticks together....usually has gum on their shoes.
Monica: That's so lovely, honey. I think I'll have that stiched on a pillow!
DING DONG...Justus walks in
Justus: Hello all.
Silence.
Justus: I said HELLO ALL.
Silence
Justus: Look, you can't avoid me now. I'm OUT OF THE STORAGE ROOM, MAN! I'm here! Get used to it! I won the money! I'm a Quartermaine...
Alan: Did you hear something Monica?
Monica: No....not me...
Justus: You people are just plain nasty, you know that? You can't ignore me FOREVER! I refuse to be the Taggert of this family!
Edward: You know, maybe certain people would be more comfortable in the guesthouse...
Justus: Oh, no...guesthouse is one step away from the storage room! No way! I mean, my blonde girlfriend flew away and I'm not falling for that.
Edward: Perhaps we'll see you again in February.
Justus: Not fair I tell ya...NOT FAIR! I voted Libertarian people! You all need some infusion of tolerance...you need some..DIVERSITY..YOU NEED.(CARRIED AWAY BY STAGE HANDS)
Tracey: Goodness, some people will never learn. Tolerance? Since when have we ever had whatever that is? And Diversity..please.
Alan: I mean we DO have that Diego person. I think he's a diversity.
Monica: We'll find out on cinco de mayo. Now...can we plan the...
DING DONG...
Edward: Who in Turkey neck gultch is it now?
Jax: Hey...Edwahd..
Edward: Are you even a citizen?
Jax: I ..uh, dunno.
Edward: GATEHOUSE..and take that blonde thing with you. She took in a foster kid; definate Blue Team. SLAMS DOOR. Now, who's up for a great game of pin the tail on Springsteen?

To be continued...next up, The Family Corinthos pays a visit..and did Jason remember how to use a lever machine? .

A GIANT SPECIAL TREAT FOR WUBS FANS!

The QUARTERMAINE REALITY RACE

That's right! Since the Q's are having their own "Family" reality show, why not a WUB series!? Episode one is below...every other day or so, I'll get the next eppy up for you to enjoy. Keep in mind that the OLD Edward (John INGLE) is "my" Edward in these WUBS. I can't "do" the new guy yet. Email me (maskedrumors@aol.com) and let me know what you think! Thanks!

GOT WOOD? WUB

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the most stupid box EVER of Soap Stories...

Georgie: Come on Dillion, please me!
Dillon: I'm trying...I'm trying...I'm..oh, geesh...
Georgie: WHAT'S WRONG?
Dillion: Thought about my mother coming out of the shower again. uh, sorry.
Georgie: CONCENTRATE! GEESH! I don't have all night! I am a teen having sex after all, I have to be home by like, midnight or Mac will kill me and I have driver's ed at 7 am! Hurry up!
Dillon: I know, I know...wait...Uh, Ok.
Georgie: You know...I'm not really sure you're even KISSING me right!
Dillon: Way to go Georgie, make me feel like crap even more!
Georgie: I'm not pretty enough is that it?
Dillon: No, that's NOT IT...
Georgie: My boobs aren't BIG enough, right?
Dillon: Oh, no, that's WAY not IT!
Georgie: Well, here we are two hormonal adolescents trying to do what we're supposed to say no to in the first place and I can't even be bad and say yes!'
Dillon: You know, Georgie, I think it was just like awhile ago I had to talk you INTO even GOING in there...
Georgie: Well, that might be so, but now I'm a WOMAN and I need to be SATISFIED!
Dillon: Well, uh...I think I can do that without you know, using this....
Georgie: EWWWWW! Spare me! You think I want FOREPLAY? Who do you take me for a romantic 16 year old?
Dillon: (pause) Uh, well, kinda..
Georgie: We're out of that storyline, buster! We are on to bigger and better things! Well, SOME of us are, if ya know what I mean.
Dillon: Why don't you just GO SEE SONNY THEN, he does it for half the town!
Georgie: I just want SEX, I don't want a BABY, you moron! (crosses arms over chest...)
Dillon: I don't know what to tell you. It's just so much pressure!
Georgie: Well, maybe if you wouldn't spend so much time on your HAIR you'd have more time to you know, prove you're a man!
Dillon: That hurt...
Lois: Hi Ya kiddo's...how's it goin?? (wink)
Georgie: Hey, what was that? I saw that wink! I get it! You like them OLDER! Wayyyyy older!
Lois: Oh. My GAWD! Shut up, but in a nice way, you know...SHUT UP! I'm not into Dillon, come on...pa-leeze...
Dillon: I am right HERE!
Georgie: Well, I'm leaving...I'll find a man..somewhere, anywhere!
Dillon: Oh, crap, there goes my summer of sowing my oats....
Lois: Hey, guess what? We're going to form a girl band and I want YOU to be the drummer!
Dillon: Are you just further trying to make my life hell?
Lois: Nah, we jest need another gal..here's your outfit. I picked it out special at DEB's...
Dillon: Come on, won't pink make me look fat?
Lois: Nah, trust me, you'll look gorgeous!
Dillon: Well, I do like the earrings...
Lois: And look at these heels!
Dillon: Wait...I think I feel something...
Lois: What? What?
Dillon: DOWN THERE!
Lois: Oh, hon..a good pair of Jimmy Choos will do it to ya everytime!
Dillon: Give me those, I gotta go find Georgie!

Brought to you by the makers of Viagara. What every teen boy wants for his birthday!

Everything Old Is New Again WUB

setting: The Docks

Ric: Luke Spencer, you're under arrest.
Luke: Sigh, what now, man?
Ric: For the murder of Ross..uh, Ross...uh, you know, ROSS!
Luke: Well, forget it pal, I was never even near the place...
Ric: I don't think so! We found this weapon in your Club's safe...
Luke: Aw, come on, you're not fallin' for that old trick AGAIN are ya?
Ric: Look, we can make this easy or we can make it hard, it's up to you.
Luke: I ain't comin' in!
Mac: Come on Luke, you know we have to make our quota of false arrests this year. It's your turn.
Luke: Who was it last time? Sonny?
Mac: Ah...hmmmm, good question. I think it may have been Stefan Cassadine--or Edward Quartermaine. Not really sure. Doesn't matter anyway, your number's up.
Luke: Ah, crap. I was just having fun with Red and just about to, you know, probably kiss her and...
Ric: Come on Spencer, after all this time you can't believe you'd be getting a consistant story here. Not with your vacations.
Luke: A boy can dream, can't he?
Mac: I think I need to read him his rights. I'm not sure. Taggert's gone and he's the rights reader..
Luke: HEY! LOOK! LAURA! STOP! Let me go! It's LAURA!
Mac: Luke, I know you're an old guy now, but don't tell me you're senile too.
Luke: Swear to God, man....it was HER!
Mac: Luke, how many times have you "seen Laura"....
Luke: Uh...well....
Ric: I read about that Templeton chick---
Mac: (laughs) Oh, that's nothing..he's had at LEAST a dozen over the years...'
Luke: Hey, what can I say? They all look alike!
Ric: Oh, yeah, like that Summer girl really looked like Laura.
Luke: I had a head injury.
Ric: You're pathetic, you know that? How many times are you going to fall for the old "Oh My God! It's LAURA" routine?
Luke: Forget it. Why don't you go arrest a Cassadine...leave me alone.
Mac: No can do. We arrested Helena this morning, had to let her go. She has an alibi...
Luke: And wait, let me guess, you ALWAYS believe them Cassadines, right?
Alexis: (out of breath) I got here as fast as I could....
Luke: Hey, Natasha...I need a good lawyer.
Alexis: No way. I'm done defending anyone in this town. Even if they aren't guilty, they're guilty. Plus the fact I'm tired of looking like a fool in the court room.
Ric: Oh, come on, it's not like everyone doesn't look like an idiot in the courtroom. Look at Dara.
Dara: (from somewhere off stage) I heard that! I'm not DEAD YET ya know!
Luke: Did you guys hear something?
Mac: No...quit stalling, get in the car.
Luke: Dang..whatever. in the backseat
Sonny: Hey.
Luke: Hey, what you in for, man?
Sonny: Does it matter? I mean, come on, they've been trying to get me for years. Today, I'm just catching a ride--my limo blew up again.
Luke: Cool. What's new?
Sonny: Got another chick pregnant.
Luke: Wow. Carly?
Sonny: Nope.
Luke: Uh...Brenda?
Sonny: No, man, where you been? She's been gone for like a year.
Luke: Ok, ok...wait. Let me think--not that cute little Sage gal?
Sonny: What do you take me for? Naw, it's just Sam.
Luke: Sam? Who in the Sam hill is Sam?
Sonny: Oh, come on...treasure hunt...poker cards...
Luke: God, Sonny...man, everything's just runnin' together at this point.
Sonny: You're tellin' me. I just went through another DNA test. It's humiliatin' They say it ain't mine but you and I both know how those things turn out. Even if it's NOT mine, it's mine, ya know?
Luke: How's Carly takin' it?
Sonny: She moved out..then back in again. The usual. She'll be pissed for a couple of months and then, you know, we'll have make up whoop and it'll all go away. Until I find out her next lie. Sigh...it's all so....
Luke: Predictable?
Sonny: Sing it. You know, Jason's sayin' he's the dad.
Luke: No way...wait..didn't he do that with Michael? Doesn't that boy learn?
Sonny: Hey, at least he has a frontal lobe injury to blame it on. What's our excuse?
Luke: Nothin'..well, maybe the Crown Royal. Heh, heh.
Sonny: I got no glasses left to drink from...I go straight for the bottle.
Luke: Only way to play my friend, only way to play.

From the front:
Mac: Quiet down back there, will ya? We're trying to locate Nikolas Cassadine. He's lost his memory and is living with some woman somewhere.
Luke: Don't you mean Al Quartermaine?
Mac: God, Spencer, where are you living? In the '90's?? (everyone laughs)
Luke: Sometimes I wonder WHEN this is. Good Lord, where's a good character from the past that know one remembers the back story on but is comin' to town to turn things upside down?
Ric: Haven't ya heard?
Luke: Obviously not...
Ric: There's a female coming back..her name is ah......ah....
Luke: Lucy!? Lucy Coe! Come on, tell me it's Lucy...
Ric: Naw..this is way before my time...
Mac: Before mine too I think...
Luke: Good God..is it Tiffany? Tiffany Hill?!
Mac: No...some kinda flower, I think...
Luke: Rose! Rose Kelly! She was a great...
Ric: Nope.
Luke: Ok, who could it be? Anna Scorpio? No..ok, uh..
Sonny: Robin...is it Robin? that would be a great story to play out...she knows just about....
Mac: Nope. Don't you think I'd remember Robin...it's not Robin...
Luke: What about that Venus chick? Funny...cute, real type?
Ric: No, not a planet....not a bird...
Sonny: Karen. Karen Wexler. Oh, man..please don't let it be her, my fans will shoot each other.
Ric: No, she's older than that.
Luke: Come on, I'm running out of ideas! Dawn? Monica's daughter? Uh, is Leslie coming back full time? Bobbie? My Bobbie? She hasn't had a story in years...
Sonny: Any of my old flames?
Mac: No..it's someone...I know! It's a Webber!
Luke: A Webber? You mean like the grill?
Sonny: I don't know any Webbers but Elizabeth and whatever her sister was named.
Mac: It's...Heather! That's it! Heather Webber.
Ric: Good job, partner.
Mac: Aw, it's nothin'....
Luke: So, wait ---out of all the characters, over all the years...they're bringing back HEATHER WEBBER?
Mac: Yepper.
Luke: She's not even a real Webber! She was married to one..that MacGiver guy. Oh, how lame.
Sonny: You're tellin' me...I probably have to sleep with her!
Luke: Better you than me, pal.
Ric: Here we are. You're home away from home for the next...ah, when's your vacation start?
Luke: Very funny.
Ric: We aim to please here at the PCPD. Just don't burn us down, Spencer.
Luke: Nah, that was Wyndemere, I think.

END--copywrite 5/04 by KDMASK

EASTER WUB

setting: Q's Rose Garden

Edward: Dangnabbit! I just stepped on another egg! Why can't Reginald hide these better!?
Ned: (whispers to Monica) who the hell is that?
Monica: Edward, he went on ABC's Extreme Makeover! They even added about 2 feet to his height. What else is he going to do with his money?
Ned: Well, he looks 10 years younger than Grandmother!
Monica: Like that matters, when was the last time you saw Lila?
Ned: True.
Skye: Sigh..why did WE have to host the easter egg hunt this year?! I mean, there's a perfectly good park somewhere, I hate all these rugrats around.
Luke: You know, I think one of them's mine, but dammed if I know which one she is! Do you think cook made some egg-nog? You know, burbon egg nog?
Ned: It's easter.
Luke: No better time, son...no better time.
Carly: Michael, be careful..you are going to crack all of your eggs....here, put them in Alkazar's gun case, ok? Hey, where's Morgan?
Courtney: I have him...he's so cute. Just like a little fuzzy chickie. Sigh...(looks off in the distance)
Carly: See, you're thinking about Jason...I can tell, you still love him!
Courtney: Do not.
Carly: Do too.
Courtney: Well, you still love Sonny!
Carly: Do not.
Courtney: Do too.
Mike: You both love them, geesh, we all know, it, they all know it, it's only a matter of time before you all get back together and break up again. Can I borrow $500 dollars, honey? I ah...I have to get my car fixed. Yeah, that's it.
Courtney: Well, ok. I trust you Dad.
Michael: Mommy! Mommy! I found an egg with a weird message inside...
Carly: Give me that! It says: "Sonny loves Sam forever and ever".... (throws the egg) That bitch! Using an easter egg hunt to get people on her side, why I outta smack her one!
Sam: Got a problem, Carly?
Carly: What's the smell? You or the rotten eggs?
Sam: (laughs that gravely throaty laugh) Oh, you're so funny, forgot to laugh.
Carly: Wearing high enough shoes and tight enough shirt?
Sam: All the better to see my Peeps with, my dear!
Courtney: Come on Carly, I think I see one other person we know...come on...
Jax: Dinga Blastah! Heah's me Sheiler! How's ah ya Sammy?
Sam: Uh...well...ok.
Jax: I brought 'cha a present! Wanna see it?
Sam: Uh...well...a present? Sure. Oh, a necklace, with diamonds. Wow. Here, help me put it on. Now, I have to tell you something. See, Jax, it was nice to have sex with you during that raging inferno and all..I mean, what else were we gonna do? Find our way out of there? But, you know, things have changed!
Jax: Youah with Sonny! Brender! Ya can't be!
Sam: I'm Sam, Jax.
Jax: It doesn't mattah..you'ah all the same...I so miss me Chloe. She nevah fell for Sonny's dimples. I shoulda stayed in Sidney!
Mini: Ouch! You idiot, Sage...why don't you go stand there by Sam? You two are just alike!
Sage: Oh, Georgie, Are not! My hair's even blacker! Anyway...don't you love my outfit Dillon?
Dillon: Uh..yeah....I think so.
Mini: Dillon! IT's a Playboy Bunny outfit! She wore that to GH! The kid's about fell out of their wheelchairs!
Sage: Someone had to wake that place up. Anyway, all I really want is to go pleasure you, Dillon, shall we?
Tracey: That's right, honey, listen Sage. She is such a class act. Not like Georgie Jones, common as a Spenser in this town. Why Sage has connections to international drug thugs and gun runners!
Dillon: I'm confused, mom, I mean, aren't I supposed to want the NICE girl?
Tracey: Oh, honey, no self-respecing Quartermaine wants NICE..haven't you noticed?
Felicia: Come on, Mac, it's ok...no one will say anything!
Liz: EWWW, what happened to your FACE? Gross! I think I'm going to like, puke!
Ric: Yeah, she's pregnant. Be careful.
Felicia: Don't pay any attention to them. I'm home now and I'll take care of you. I mean as long as they let me have airtime.
Mac: Mumble...mumble...
Felicia: Ok, let's go see if they have any soft, puree'd foods for you on the breakfast banquet.
Tracey: It is true Daddy scheduled a Passion Play today of all days? Doesn't he realize he was supposed to do that Friday?
Ned: I guess the actors couldnt' get out of whatever they were doing.
Tracey: (tosses hair) well, it's stupid. I'm not watching.
Helena: Why not? Afraid they'll upstage you?
Tracey: Why, look what the goats dragged in.
Helena: You know, you really should be nice to me. Afterall, I can buy and sell you...and kill you without blinking an eye.
Tracey: Oh, I'm sure you can. How's the grandson anyway? Still missing?
Helena: Perhaps. At least he's away from that drooling insipid neice of yours..what's her name?
Embrat: Sniff..it's EMILY you mean woman! sniff! I loved him, more than my own..life! I did! I did!
Ned: Who? You mean Zander?
Embrat: That's not...sob...funny...sob...here's my diary...see, I talk about Lucky...and Nikolas and that cute guy at the Gap store...sniff...waaaaah! I can't go on!
Tracey: (to Helena) Good Lord, you're right. She is a major pain.
Alan: Tracey, be quiet, here's father...
Edward: And this year we have a rare treat for you! The Passion Play...presented in surround sound! With the finest actors in Port Charles!
Luke: Hey, if I'm here...who's doin' it?
Skye: You got me stumped.
Alexis: Well, me too.
Edward: Starring as Jesus, will be...SONNY Corinthos!
onny: (Carrying cross) My PAIN! My ANGST! How the world is treating me! I am doomed, forever carrying this cross of burdens!
Carly: (eyeroll) Oh, brother...
Edward: Also starring our own Jason, appearing as Ben Hur, the only man to give Jesus a drink of water on his way!
Jason: (stare) I serve you, oh master.
Edward: And Sam McCall as Mary Magdelene, the misunderstood wanton woman!
Sam: May I was your feet?!
Edward: Finally, the our gueststar, that singing sensation, the toast of Port Charles, Stefan Cassadine! Here to sing the classic, Jesus Christ Superstar!
Bat: "I only wanna know! I only wanna know!"....
Helena: Oh, for heavens sake, his backlighting is atrocious!
Reginald: Ok, is it me or is this a little bit in bad taste?
Ned: You should have seen what they had originally planned! Akazar was going to be blind, deaf and dumb and wear blue contacts!
Reginald: Don't tell me...
Ned: Yep, and Sam was going to roll around in baked beans.
Reginald: You know, I think I need to quit.
Ned: You and me both pal...you and me both...

fade out to Bat singing and the whole PC chorus praising Sonny as he walks by..
copywrite 4/04 by the Wubqueen~Hope you eat some peeps this Easter!
Note: this series runs backwards...older WUBS are below including part one of the INFERNO WUB

MORE HUGENESS OF FIRE!

Day 43 Setting: lobby

Courtney: (rushes in all outta breath) Puff, puff...Oh, hey, excuse me, can you help me?
Fireguy: Sure, I'm not busy helping anyone or anything, what do you need?
Courtney: Well, my husband is in here and I'm going to go save him.
Fireguy: Are you trained in fire safety?
Courtney: No.
Fireguy: Do you know CPR?
Courtney: Geeh, uh, no
Fireguy: You do realize there's about 400 rooms here and the building is TOTALLY HUGELY ENGULFED IN GIANT FLAMES!
Courtney: I don't care! My husband is up there!
Fireguy: Uh, ok...go ahead, run all over the building in your white pants. Just don't say I didn't warn you if you get burned to a crisp.
Courtney: Thanks! (runs off)

Stairwell #4:
Faith: Alkazar.
Alkazar: Faith.
Faith: Pufff..puff...what are you doing? Looking for that idiot Carly?
Alkazar: Something like that
Faith: Well, whatever. Let me pass.
Alkazar: Hey, Faith.
Faith: What?
Alkazar: No matter what you do, or where you go (tosses his head) you HAIR will NEVER LOOK AS GOOD AS mine!
Faith: You heartless bastard.

Room #33:
Jason: Blink.
Carly: Jason!
Jason: Blink Blink
Carly: Oh, my god! I dreampt I was trapped with Alexis! It was terrible! Then I thought I loved Alkazar...and then Sonny...and then Alkazar.
Jason: blink
Carly: When all along it was YOU! Oh, kiss me!
Jason: gulp.

Stairwell #22:
Skye: Come on Luke, I'm not leaving you!
Luke: I thought I was leaving you!
Skye: You were, but then I decided to go on, right after you decided to give up, now I have to tell YOU to come on, so COME ON!
Luke: Uh..I'm confused. What are we doing?
Lucky: DAD!
Luke: Lucky, how did you find me son!
Lucky: Well, even though the entire electrical system IS ENGULFED IN HUGE FIRE, I saw you on the hotel monitor!
Luke: Well, dang.
Skye: I'm hot.
Luke: The building's on fire, you twit! Now, come on! We only have 4 more days to go!

Stairwell #55
Courtney: Here doggie, doggie.
Skippy: Woof.
Courtney: Good Doggie. Now, you've pe'ed all over my nice white shirt but I don't care. You are so cute. Well, in a ragged kinda way. OH! Geesh! You scared me!
Faith: Get out of my way you bimbo! God, what's the mutt doing? Can I eat him? I'm hungry!
Courtney: Oh, you're going to MAKE ME CRY! Go away.
Faith: Heh, heh, that's ok, I just ate a teenager back there, who needs your stupid DOG!
Courtney: Come on Skippy, maybe Auntie Em...I mean, uh, Jason is right around this really smoke filled corner!

The Penthouse
Jax: Dangah Bangah Sheiler Sam!
Sam: Whatever. God, you know? I wonder how many days I've missed taking my pill...
Jax: I KNEWS IT! You love SONNY! Jest like me Brender. Well, I'm not takin' it no moah...I'm outtah here...(opens door, starts coughing)
Sam: Did you forget the fire? DUHHHHH. Come here and I'll distract you with my giant chest...
Jax: No. You did it with Sonny. I am not...(Sam opens her shirt) WHOAH! DANGAH LANGAH WANGAH!
Sam: That's what I thought you'd say! Now let's do it!

In the Versailles Room
Justus: And Dear Lord, spare this heavenly woman-child is as she's the fairest of them all, even the flowers pale next to her pure skin, thank you Jesus. Amen.
Tracey: OH BROTHER!
Justus: Don't remind me half-sister.
Tracey: Ok, that in itself deserves a bottle of tequila!
Helena: Hello, Tracey.
Tracey: Hello, Helena.
Helena: Nice night for a fire, isn't it?
Tracey: You kinda like fires, don't you?
Helena: (laughs) all the better to roast small children over, my dear!
Faith: (panting) Did I hear someone talking about roasting children? Who's taunting me!? I'm starving!
Justus: Faith. You...look, uh. Hot.
Faith: Not now, Justus. I'm breathing through my charred lungs. But, meet me in the closet in about 10 minutes, ok?
Sage: Oh, Miss Faith, you have to help me find my Uncle Alkie!
Faith: Look Basil Leaf, bite me.
Sage: It's Sage.
Faith: Sage, Basil, Ground Cumin, whatever.
Sage: you are LIKE-- SO MEAN!
Faith: Glad you noticed.
Justus: You. Are. So...uh, what's my line?
Faith: HOT! HOT! I am HOT! Say it!
Justus: Hot. In Jesus name, amen.

Outside
Alexis: Oh! Help! I can't breathe! I need water! I need popcorn!
Ric: Alexis! Tell me, what's going on in there!
Alexis: What do you mean? That building's been burning for like a month!
Ric: Ok, sorry, got a little busy down at the PCPD....
Alexis: Geesh!

Stairwell 88, 77o2
Skye: Oh, my God, there's someone else that's knocked unconscious!
Luke: Walk over 'em
Skye: But that's like the 12th one today! Hey, you don't think...Luke? Luke?
Luke:
Skye: Luke! Who knocked you out!? THUD.

Stairs East Side:
Sonny: MOVE!
Brian: No.
Sonny: I SAID MOVE! I am going to kill you but the ceiling may fall so MOVE!
Brian: I can't.
Sonny: What, are you a pansy on top of everything else?
Brian: I want my mommy!
Sonny: Oh, my GOD, do I gotta save everyone in this building? Come on, I'll piggyback ya. But DON'T GET USED TO IT, it's just until I can kill ya. With my BARE HANDS! Hey, Jason...is that you?
Jason: (lipstick all over his face) Uh, blink. Yeah.
Sonny: I gotta find Carly, here you take this dead weight of a police officer with you!
Jason: Uh, ok. (throws Brian over his shoulder)
Brian: Ouch! Watch the shoulder blade, buddy, that smarts!
Jason: Uh, Sonny.
Sonny: Yeah, what?
Jason: Uh, I found Carly.
Sonny: Where is she?
Jason: Lost her again.
Sonny: Figures! Hey! What's that on your face?
Jason: Uh...blink. Blood. I think.
Sonny: (stares) Get out of my way! (leaves in a sea of flames)
Brian: Dude, that's totally NOT Blood.
Jason: Shut up before I throw you down these stairs.

Hallway #449
Cameron: (singing) SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOOOME, I'm tired and I wanna go to bed....
Luke: Hey, man, you drunk?
Cameron: Didn't you just get knocked out about 3 minutes ago with Skye?
Luke: Someone dragged me UP five flights! I mean, crap, I just walked down all them steps. What'cha doin' up here?
Cameron: Oh, I don't know, enjoying the view. (looks dreamily away)
Luke: Uh, hey, you know, I never really liked you much, Doc, but you know, I don't really want you to fry up here.
Cameron: Why Luke? We are all going to fry, in a way I mean. See, that's the greatest meaning of all. Frying. It's like the Colonel said, "Finger Lickin' Good"! You ever eat Chicken Luke, I mean real fried chicken, right out of your grannies cupboard?
Faith: I THOUGHT I heard someone talking about chicken!
Brian: Stop CALLING ME a chicken! Just because I cried when I had to give my water to that kid doesn't mean I'm not a brave man!
Jason: Shut up before I smack your butt.
Faith: Hey, Jason, is that a cop on your back or are you just happy to see me?
Luke: SHUT UP THE LOT OF YA! This here ceiling is not going to hold much longer..or the floor's gonna give..or somethin'
Cameron: "I SEE THE RED DOOR AND I WANT IT PAINTED BLACK..."
Luke: Now he's Mick Jagger.
Jason: Uh, Luke?
Luke: What.
Jason: Shouldn't we move?
Luke: Yes! Before that beam.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Faith: Dang it! Another run in my stocking!
Brian: Oh, please...let me go!
Jason: That had better be warm WATER runnin' down my back!
Cameron: GOING DOWN WITH THE SHIP!

In another stairwell, far, far away...
Skye: Oh, crap. On top of everything else someone stole my cool jewelry and gold coins! This month JUST SUCKS!

COMING: The residents of Port Charles brace for yet another day of HUGE FLAMING FIRE as the hotel STILL CONTINUES TO BURN ON AND ON AND ON...see the daring ROOF RESCUE! WATCH as Faith tries to eat Waxed Fruit! Will Tracey fall off due to drunkness?

copywrite 2-2004 all WUBBLER rights reserved. Amen

The TOWERING INFERNO FIRE OF GH HUGENESS WUB!

Edward: What in the Sam Hill?! Good Lord, all right, all right...everyone can I have your attention please?
Emily: Sigh, there's grandfather, ruining our auction. What a meanie. (stomps foot)
Nikolas: Not to worry, I'll take care of him later, much like a took care of Zander.
Emily: (stares..) Zander? The man I don't love anymore but really have a soft spot for? Zander, my Zander?
Edward: EMILY PAY ATTENTION! Now, DON'T PANIC but the BUILDING IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES! Everyone out.
Alan: Father, what's this all about?
Edward: What do you mean, the building is on fire, we have to go.
Alan: I know you. This isnt' any old fire...did you start this?
Edward: No, but I bet I know WHO DID! That lowlife AJ!
Alan: Father, AJ is gone. You can't blame him anymore for anything. Now as for you, you crafty old man, I think...
Monica: ALAN! This is no time to badger Edward, get on that elevator and...
Emily: Wait, aren't you supposed to use the stairs during a fire?
Tracey: Oh, get out of my way you little brat and let me get out of here!
Helena: STOP! I should go first. I am the oldest and the best dressed here.
Tracey: You too, you old witch...I need the treasure.
Helena: No, I need the treasure.
Luke: The treasure is mine, ladies, get used to it.
Sam: Oh, yeah, right. It's MY treasure...
Nikolas: Can we stop talking about the treasure, our lives are in danger. And anyway, it's MY treasure.
Sam: I can't stop talking about the treasure because that's what I do...well, that and have a lot of sex...
Carly: I REFUSE TO STAND HERE NEXT TO HIM!
Sonny: Be quiet you slut.
Alkazar: Who are you calling a slut?
Sam: Honey, did you call me?
Sonny: No, now go away. Carly, you need to realize I am never giving you your children.
Skye: Hey, I thought you told AJ you'd never keep a mother from their child...
Monica: Yes, I thought I heard that too. Actually, wasn't that your basis for hating AJ so much?
Sonny: I'm not TALKIN' ABOUT AJ!
Jason: (staring) Uh, Sonny.
Sonny: What.
Jason: I think I smell fire. woof
Sonny: That's SMOKE..and didn't you hear Edward? The hotel's on fire.
Jason: blink. Huh. I'd better go save some small children, pets and maybe a policeman or two while I'm at it.
Carly: (STOMP STOMP) I want to get out of here NOW! Alexis, get out of the way!
Alexis: (blowing into a paper bag) Carly, I'm next in line, you have to go to the back.
Carly: Screw that (pushes Alexis)
Cameron: Carly..Carly. Don't you understand that even in times of crisis we must keep our dignity? Now, here, move over to the side, you'll feel much better about your scarred and burned body if you keep to the rules.
Carly: ALKAZAR! Get over here!
Alkazar: I am already here, my love, behind you where I always lurk.
Carly: Get me out of here!
Alkazar: I shall eat my way though the walls for you.
Maxie: Snifffff. Boo....hoo...OH MY GOD, I totally think Zander is dead. After all the time I took on my hair.
Mini: Geeesh, stop it! Sage is wearing a towel and it's totally going to blow off her on the roof and then Dillon will see how hot she is and...
Sage: He already has, you idiot. Twice. Just today.
Mini: Come here and I'll belt you one you slut!
Sam: Did someone call me?
Luke: Ok, everyone calm down. I think I found a way out. We all just have to crawl down the sewer tank line...
Tracey: You're mad.
Helena: A man after my own heart!! The sewer? I've met my most interesting lovers in that place.
Luke: I'm not kidding! Let's go.
Sonny: Wait! Luke, who do you think you are? I'm savin' everyone...follow me to the bow of the ship!
Luke: Don't listen to him, the entire hotel is upside down we have to go DOWN TO GET UP...get it?
Edward: DANG NABBIT! Are we on fire or are we sinking?
Maxie: (Singing)'WE ONLY JUST BEGUN......TO LIVE......WHITE LACE AND PROMISES".....
Mini: I am so, LIKE, embarrassed! Geesh.
Carly: Alkazar, chew, chew, you're almost through the dry wall!
Alkazar: (mouth full) Yes...mywwubuwlguw....
Jason: Uh. I think I found a way out.
Monica: Jason thinks he's found a way out! Where?!
Jason: Uh. That door.
Luke: You idiot. Not THAT door.
Carly: Why the HELL NOT, Luke? Why don't you want us to go out that door?
Luke: Because it's MY RESCUE THAT'S WHY!
Brian: (comes out of the shadows) EVERYONE FREEZE! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
Lucky: Oh, dude..that's tomorrow's scene. Can't you do anything right?
Helena: Well, I'm going where Luke's going.
Mini: Dillion where are you going, with that slut?
Sam: Who KEEPS CALLING ME???!
Jax: Thereah's my dalin' Sammah! Iz been lookin' alls ovah for yas! It's hottah than a wallaby's dunga bootah namah!
Sonny: God, I need a drink.
Jax: Here's a FAHSTAHS! I loves ya, Sonny, even if ya did steal me Brender.
Sonny: Ah, Brenda.
(Jax and Sonny stare into the distance)
Emily: (lip trembles) to think I survived the horrors of cancer for this...sniff...
Alexis: Can I say something?
Carly: NO!
Cameron: Go ahead, Alexis. What's your voice of reason say?
Alexis: Why don't we just trip the alarm and let the sprinklers do the rest?
Edward: Great Scott! I never thought of that!
Maxie: And there are a ton of fire extinguishers in the hallway...
Tracey: and that fire escape outside...
Helena: I will still choose the sewer!
Luke: You guys are no fun. Come on Hells, let's crawl on our bellies amongst the slime.
Helena; Oh, you do romance me, Luke...

End part One of the HUGEST FIRE EVER!!!!!! Part Two: Malibu Courtney rushes INTO the flames!

Where you out of the country all year? In a drugged stupor? Did you just tune out! Never fear, here's your handy-dandy guide to GH 2003!

2003 in a Nutshell...

Carly: Oh my God! Let me go! That hurts! Whoops I fell! OMG, did you just shoot me IN THE HEAD?
Ric: Hey, I only chained her up for like a month! Geesh! Give a guy a break!
Elizabeth: OH, Ricky, it's ok you drugged me and kept Carly in the wall. I just love your mo-jo....
Faith: Ok, who the hell can I kill/drug/poison now? And get my black dress back from the dry cleaners!
AJ: A whole year and I only got to wear this stupid Halloween costume.
Luke: Go away! It's the way I am, Cowboy! Vlad, you suck! Hey! Props! More Crown Royal!
Helena: I'm here for a day or two. I shall make you want more!
Bat: Nikolas, I have brought you a bride. I must go impale myself now.
Brenda: Oh, Sonny...Oh, Jax..Oh ALKAZAR! Oh,wait, Las Vegas is all glittery and pretty like. Nevermind.
Lorenzo: I love you Brenda...I mean Carly...I mean...WHOOPS I FELL....wait, no I didn't, well, I did, but I have the same face. Nevermind.
Lucky: I WANNA BE A POLICEMAN, NOT A COWBOY, DAD! Geesh!
Emily: I have cancer. See, it's really bad. Help me Zander, I mean Nikolas...I mean.... OMG~! I'm CURED!
Zander: Emily! You're back! I'm so happy! Oh, nevermind. Can I use your health insurance card at least?
Alexis: All year and all I get is this fake beard.
Cameron: On the contrary, I think I'm the "beard"
Coleman: Dude, want more whisky?
Ned: You'll have our child over MY DEAD BODY! Ok, nevermind, here ya go.
Lily: Boooooooooooooooo. I'm spooooky...Boooooooooo.
Skye: Oh, Brenda, I hate you! Oh, AJ I hate you! Oh, Ned, I hate you! Luke I hate you too! And Sam, I hate you more!
Sonny: The pain, the angst of being me. I see dead people. Whoops, shot my wife.
Jason: Blink. Am I married? Blink. Where am I? I'LL SAVE YOU!
Courtney: Oh, Jason...France is so wonderful. I hate the mob. But I love you. But I hate the mob. Wow...look at those muscles....
Opie: Daddy, Where's Mommy? Mommy, where's Daddy?
Baby Morgan: Burp
Leticia: I NEED a raise!
Lydia: AHHHHHHH, MY FACE! Oh, goodbye
Gia: Uh......gee Zander, that was fun. I think.
Scotty: Put 'em in jail! Make him talk! Hard boiled eggs! Whatever!
Justus: Now, why the hell am I here again?
Georgie: Dillon. I heart Dillon. Georgie Quartermaine...sigh...
Maxie: HEY! I'm on the internet! Cool! Oh...nevermind.
Sage: Wanna see my thong?
Dillon: Sure! I mean, uh...oh, yeah, Georgie...sorry. But she's got some butt!
Edward: DANG NABBIT! I haven't seen Lila in a year, all my money is gone and yet I feel strangely ok...
Taggert: I'll get you yet Corin...oh, nevermind.
Summer: Who do I look like? Your wife...cool! Your mother? COOLER! Whoops! I fell!
Johnny: Hey, who shot me?
Benny: Hey, who gave me chest pain?
Lulu: Oh, Daddy! Nice pink bike! wow...
Nikolas: Uh. Uncle. I have my new old face. Hi Lydia, you suck, go away. Hi Emily. I'm a pirate, wanna see my booty?
Monica: Oh, Emily...my poor Emily, I'll stand beside you through this whole cancer scare...oh..nevermind.
Alan: just nevermind.
Felica:
Mac: Maxie, is that you naked? You're grounded!
Georgie! You're grounded! Because I SAID SO!
Bobbie: Well, candy stripers hand out books to patients.
Audrey: Is this Christmas or a boxing ring, ladies?
Guza: IT'S GONNA BE HUGE, HUGE I TELL YA!
Pratt: Yeah, WHAT HE SAID only MORE!!!!

copywrite 2003 the wubqueen. not like you care!

THE GUZA CAROL

setting: Offices of ABC Daytime

Bob: Hey, you, GET IN HERE! I have pink slips to hand out!
Intern Sally: Ok, Mr Guza, but you know, it IS Christmas eve and well....
Bob: CHRISTMAS EVE? BAHHHHHHHHHHH Humbug! Heh, heh, like I care. Here, give this out out before closing time.
Intern Sally: But Mr Guza...it's for.....Rosey the dog!
Bob: She's DEAD WEIGHT! I'm tired of cleaning up after that mutt. Take her out back and....
Intern Sally: NO!
Bob: Then call the pound. I don't care, just go.
Intern Sally: It will crush Michael.
Bob: So? Crush him! Go! Go! (RING RING) Yeah? Who is it? Oh....hey, Brian how's the best head of daytime doin'??? Yeah, yeah, I just cut another 3 million from the budget. Sold the hospital set to the WB and I think I'm throwing Justus Ward in with it. Nah, we brought him back too soon. It was nice for Christmas and all, but he's outta here. Ok, pal...see ya. Oh, yeah...also, we're charging to use the bathrooms now. Great idea or what? Heh, heh. (click)
KNOCK KNOCK
Bob: ENTER!
Sonny: Uh, Mr G? Can I talk to you for a minute?
Bob: Sure, Sonny my man! Sit down, take a load off....what's on your mind?
Sonny: Well, I wanted to thank you for lettin' me you know, hook up with both Carly and Brenda this year, it was mint. (dimples flash)
Bob: Heh, heh...gotta keep our STAR HAPPY NOW, don't we? Here, have a cigar. They sent them over from the Sopranos set. They are sweet!
Sonny: Yeah, well...I know you're gettin' me in good with that foxy Sam next month.
Bob: Oh, I tell ya, we just got the ok to use the Baywatch suit on her! I'm lookin' at PLENTY of Slo-mo on that babe!
Sonny: Heh, heh...well, uh....I'm wonderin' you see, there's someone else I'd like to make it with this year and I think it will fit right into the story.
Bob: Way ahead of ya, Corinthos--you're thinkin' that tasty Sage, right?
Sonny: You got it.
Bob: NO problem. Alkazar's neice, and hey, she's barely legal...heh heh.
Sonny: Cool.
Bob: Merry Christmas pal. And oh, I got rid of the dog for ya.
Sonny: Thank god. I kept gettin' hairs all over my cashmere sweaters.
Bob: (lays back in chair smokes cigar) Ah, life is good....
(door flies open) GOOOOO-ZA.........GOOOOOOOOOOOOO-ZA (spooky voice)
Bob: WTF? Hey, shut that door..it's cold out there......hey, WHO ARE YOU?
Voice: I AM THE GHOST OF FAN'S CHRISTMAS PAST! You are going to take a trip down memory lane!
Bob: Oh, good God, look, if you're auditioning for the part where Luke plays Scrooge, it's been cast, pal.
Voice: GOOOOOOOOZA, you must come with me!!!!!!!
Bob: What? Where are we?
Voice: We are in General Hospital. Look at all the happy faces...
Bob: Yeah, kinda sick, if you ask me....
Voice: They ARE SICK, they are SICK children! See all the doctors and nurses? They work here! They know each other! They have friends and family!
Bob: Oh, my god...please. Is that Steve Hardy?
Voice: Yes....and he's reading to the children...but look, everyone is listening. The WHOLE CAST...they have all come here to gather and show the fans they are united!
Bob: Ok, ok.....I get it, bleck. Sorry. Too sweet for me...I mean, come on, Amy and Jessie AND Lucy? All in the same room? Who's that?
Voice: Why that's the ENTIRE SCORPIO FAMILY and that's Sean, Tiffany...and
Bob: ENOUGH! Take me away...I need a Xanax....
Voice: Here we are again...
Bob: Is this the Webber house?
Voice: Yes. The oldest set on the lot. Look there's Laura's Christmas star.
Bob: Hey! I had Intern Carl burn that thing two years ago!
Voice: Now, we shall go back, but remember what you have seen.
Bob: Whatever..just...HEY! (plops in chair) Ok, this is stupid I can't deal...
Gloria Monty: Hello, Bob.
Bob: Gulp. Hey...Gloria...uh, I thought you were at your villa in France...how's it shakin?
Gloria: Come with me Bob...
Bob: Well, I uh.....
Gloria: What have we here?
Bob: Uh...this is the Quartermaine house...
Gloria: Where are all the Quartermaine's Bob?
Bob: Well, Lila was gettin' long in the tooth so she's under the stairs there and well, we fired cook and Big Alice and you know AJ, heh, heh...he ran off and then Edward he, uh...
Gloria: I am NOT HAPPY BOB!
Bob: Well, you see, Gloria...this family, it served it's time, it made it's dent, now we gotta keep up with the times, we need a family like......(POOF)
Gloria: Like these two?
Bob: Hey, there's that tasty Sage....she's some looker..and Lorenzo, what a great cast HE was; mob guy with a heart.
Gloria: We have TWO mob guys with a heart, Jason and Sonny...why another?
Bob: Can't have too many mobsters with a heart, Glo...
Gloria: You're hopeless...Why not a mob GAL with a heart?
Bob: Oh, you know my take on dames: Madonna, Bitch or Whore. Geesh, where you been?
Gloria: I don't think there's hope for you. I take my leave, but heed my advice, Robert! You shall not be long for this network if you keep this up.
Bob: What the hell you think I've been workin' towards!? HBO, baby...all-the-way! They've got some pyrotechnics to work with there...now, hey...where am I?
DONG, DONG...
Bob: What now!?
Shadow Head: points to the door
Bob: Hey, wait a minute...I know that head anywhere...
Shadow Head: points to studio set
Bob: Aren't you...Hey, is that Mickey? Are those ears? Where am I dude? I mean, you're the head man, the head cheese, the big Ka-Zamm, I'm not pissin YOU off am I ? I mean, come on.... I keep the kids happy, we see Lulu once a year and
Shadow Head: Nods
Bob: Ok, Ok, I'll keep the DOG, I'll keep the DOG..you wouldn't send me there would ya? I mean, I couldn't stand it...
(camera pans to head writer's chair, R Guza is stenciled on the back)
Bob: NO!
Tad: So, Mr G..I thought we'd have a giant pie fight, then my Dad would come over and give some great advice and
Bianca: Yeah, and I'd kiss Lena
Erica: And I'd launch a new perfume
Stewart: What do ya say Mr Guza, Huh? Huh? Can I paint a real pretty picture? Can I? Can I?
Myrtle: Hello...Bob...I really need to be in that scene tomorrah and give one Erica some advice, don't cha think?
Bob: NO! NOOOOOOO! NOT ALL MY CHILDREN!
Shadow Head: Nods
Ruth: Come on, everybody, let's sing a song for Mr Guza here! How about "We are family"??
Bob: NO! TAKE ME BACK SPIRIT! Take me back! Anything but this! I promise, I"ll try harder, I'll...I'll...ok, I'll even rehire the old people. Anything...anything....
PLOP.
Bob: Whew! Maybe it's not too late! Intern Sally, Intern Sally! What day is it!?
Intern Sally: It's Christmas, Mr Guza, remember, you made me and the other kids work all night to tear down the decorations at the Spencer house...we even gassed the tree, just like you asked!
Bob: NO! Tell, me, what about the Dog? What about Lulu? Did you send her back to Fresno? Did Ya?
Intern Sally: No, she's still crying in Leslie's arms...Rosey's just saying goodbye to Courtney...she knit him a sweater last night and...
Bob: Oh, God, this is going to be harder than I thought! Well, call them all in here! Their jobs are saved! We'll have more family scenes next year and I'll even...gulp, I'll even half the bullet budget for..for...ICE SKATES!
Intern Sally: FOR REAL? Oh, how cool!
Bob: What have I done? I guess this means I'll have to make Baldwin good and Lucky, I don't know, gay? (hangs head....lights fade...)

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM ME AND MICKEY!

5th ANNUAL HALLOWEENIE WUB!

Setting: Q Mansion

Edward:Dang Nabbit! REGINALD! Get down here and help me adjust my wig!
Reginald: Keep your shirt on Mr Q...wait...whoa, WHO ARE YOU!?
Edward: Like it? I'm that Anna Nicole Smith--have to keep up with the pop culture.
Reginald: Well......er, your corset could use a little adjustment...here, suck it in!
Edward: GOOD LORD! NEVER MIND! Go get Lila, and hurry up! Is her costume all set?
Reginald: Yep. She's the princess, I'm the pea.
Edward: Is that what you are?! I thought you just ate something awful of cooks tonight!
AJ: Hey, Grandfather. (snickers)
Edward: Don't you go laughing, my boy, if I need to dress like some reality tv slut to get that Viacom stock, by God, I'll do it! You could learn a thing or two yourself!
AJ: What, you don't like the tennis pro outfit?
Edward: You look like a poor-man's Pete Sampras!
AJ: Can I ever expect support from you?! Can I? (starts to cry)
Alan: Father, what did you do to AJ now...
AJ: HE WAS MEAN!
Edward: Oh, stop it...Alan, I'm so glad you picked someone of historical relevance tonight.
Alan: Father, Al Gore is hardly "historical"
Skye: (waltzes in) YOU'RE AL GORE?
Alan: Right down to the sweater and goatee.
Skye: Well, looks like you've been eating where Bill Clinton does....
AJ: (jumps up) SCORE!
Skye: Anyone seen Monica's medical bag?
Edward: Whatever for?
Skye: (Holds up a scalpel). I'm a heart surgeon...I plan on cutting one OUT tonight! (snaps gloves)
DING DONG!
Edward: (adjusts chestials) REGINALD! You PEA BRAIN! Get the Dang door!
DING DONG!
Alan: OH, for pity sake....(opens door)
Kid and Carly: TRICK OR TREAT!
Skye: Go away, there are no little children in Port Charles!
Michael (dressed as Woody) But I'm Michael, remember me?? (big grin)
Carly: Oh, just GIVE HIM THE DAMN CANDY!
AJ: Hey, aren't you in a coma?!
Carly: Oh, geesh, that lasted A DAY, you idiot.
Monica: Oh! Hello Carly, how's that bullet wound in your head?
Carly: Fine, NO THANKS TO you and that butcher Tony! He shaved half my head...
Skye: Oh, that explains the Kelly Osborne look...
Carly: Whatever. come on, Michael. I think I left your baby brother somewhere.
Alan: Well thank goodness THEY'RE gone.....Why Monica, you look positively WONDERFUL!
Monica: You like (spins around)
AJ: Geesh, Mom...
Monica: Oh, you....Bobbie and I decided to go as Paris and Nikki Hilton this year, like the Gucci bag?

Skye: I can smell a fake Gucci from 3 feet!

Monica: You're just jealous! Besides, Bobbie and I both got our botox this morning at the spa.
Edward: (Under his breath) hence the never moving eyebrows....
Monica: I HEARD THAT!
Embrat: (decending stairs in a giant billowy sleeping beauty dress...) Oh, family, must you fight? (furrows head)
Alan: Emily! We are so sorry...
AJ: I'm not fit to live.
Monica: Oh, honey, we apologize.
Edward: Why you look radiant!
Skye: Positively glowing...
AJ: Hey, is that a RADIATION JOKE?
Skye: Well, if the isotope fits...
Embrat: That's it, I'm going to sit here and POUT. I need to sleep with Zander or Nikolas. I'm not sure which.
Alan: bye dear. Now there goes the finest child we've raised yet, Monica.
Monica: That's just he point...we didn't raise her, Alan.
DING DONG!
everyone looks at each other
Skye: AJ, you're closest.
Edward: REGINALD!!!!!!
AJ: Skye, you're way closer...
Alan: Oh for crying out loud....(opens door) Hello......
Luke: Doc, oh, Doc, ya gotta help me! I've been stabbed! (falls on floor, giant ax in his back)
Skye: SCREAM!
Edward: GET HIM OFF THE NEW BURMISE RUG!
Monica: Figures I'd have to work tonight..
AJ: Ewwwwwwwwwww.
Luke: (jumps up) ONLY TEASIN'! See! It's rubber! Cool, huh? Got it down at the new Walmart Superstore. Gotta love this town. Hey, you seen Jax?
Skye: What makes you think I'VE seen him?
Luke: Uh, I don't know....that satisfied look in your eye.
Skye: Well he's not here but......(the door under the stairs opens)
Jax: SUA-PRIZE! Here's I yam!
Edward: Good Lord, how'd you get under there?
Jax: Oh, Edwahd, it was Elementary.
AJ: Let me guess, Sherlock Holmes.
Jax: IN the flesh! Come along, Watson!
Sam: Uh, hello...
Monica: You were under there too?
AJ: I know what you're looking for and you'll NEVER find it!
Jax: Well, not the CAHDS!
Edward: CAHDS? What in the Sam Hill are CAHDS?
Jax: No, not CAHDS....CAHDS....you know, CAHHHHHHHHDS.
Skye: Oh brother (eyeroll)
AJ: I'm not your brother!
Skye; I HATE THIS HOUSE!
Embrat: BOO HOO! Everyone is SO MEAN! Boo hoo, I can feel my cancer coming back...
Alan: Well, you do look like you might be a bit pale, but your rosy cheeks and sleek hair are definately still in place.
Zander: (bursts in) I AM ZORRO! I am here to take my senorita away! (whish, swish, swish....DRAWS A Z in the air)
Everyone just stares
Zander: I SAID I'm here to take EMILY! (swish swish whish!)
Nik: (bursts in) I AM ZORRO! I AM HERE TO TAKE EMILY TO THE CASBA! (swish, swish...whoosh!)
Zander: Blink
Nik: Blink
Zander: Damn costume shop! (leaves)
Nik: I'll be back my love! Keep yourself well!
Embrat: Oh! To be young, ill and in love.....swoon......
Edward: Good Lord, catch her!
Reginald: YOU catch her, you have the chest for it!
Edward: YOU
Monica: OH, she's hit her head already...be quiet you two!
Embrat: Ouch...I think I'm...going to pass out...Sonny? Is that you!?
Skye: OH my GOD she's CARLY!
AJ: Carly! CARLY! I hate you do you hear me?
Monica: AJ! It's Emily dreaming she's Carly get a grip
Embrat: Alkazar?
Monica: No dear, your two men are Zander and Nikolas...
Skye: And Elizabeth Webber gets Ric and Zander....Dillon gets Georgie and Sage and Courtney gets Jason and Brian and WHAT THE HELL DO I GET?
Luke: (pinches her butt) Hey, darlin'...wink
Skye: Help!!!
in a fuzzy black and white dream mode...
Embrat: Everyone's so far away....(muffled fighting of the Q's) I feel...so funny...
Cameron: Emily?
Embrat: Hello...who are you?
Cameron: Emily...I am God. I'm going to give you some things to do this week that will make your family very happy...
Embrat: God? Like, the God, God?
Cameron: The one and only.
Embrat: Well, ok...I guess...
Pratt: CUT!
Guza: Brilliant! Brilliant!
Pratt: Hey, Bob...you don't think this is a HUGE blatant rip off do you?
Guza: NO WAY...It's just good, HUGE TV! Now break people! Time to get up the Vegas set!

And you thought you wouldn't see any new TV this fall sweeps. Silly you! Wait until they combine Vegas, Joan and Couplings! It will be HUGE!
WUBS 2003

HEART TO HEART WUB-Valentines 2003

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Setting: Kelly's

Bobbie: Oh....LUKKKKKKE, What a great idea to have a Valentine's day open house!
Luke: Yeah, whatever. (looking around) Uh, you seen Lucky?
Bobbie: Oh, silly, he's right next to you
Luke: (looks around) What have you been puttin' in those mushroom burgers?!
Bobbie: Luuuuuuuuuuukeeeee, it's Lucky!
NuNuLucky: Hey, Dad.
Luke: (shakes head fast-eyeballs pop out) Cowboy?
NuNuLucky: Yeah, it's me.
Luke: Oh, my God. What the hell did Helena do to you now? Give ya a growth hormone? I need a drink! (leaves)
Bobbie: Oh, now don't you worry, Lucky, your father LOVES you, he'll get used to your new manly face and wonderful chest, and wow....those pecks!
NuNuLucky: Hey! aren't you my Aunt?
Bobbie: Oh, gosh! Sorry.
Felicia: Wow, Bobbie, he's cute!
Bobbie: Yeah, he sure is...but he's my nephew...
Felicia: Well, he's not mine!
Summer: Hello, Lucky...
NuNuLucky: Hey, babe....let's go get horizontal, if ya know what I mean!
(they go upstairs)
Liz: (filling coffee cups) You know I really hope they use protection. That's so important now days, I mean you never know what you'll catch. Right Zander?
Zander: If it's me, I'm not catching ANYTHING!
Taggert: I hear ya, man.
AJ: What are three guys like us doing here on Valentine's Day anyway?
Taggert: Well, I'm lookin' at ads in Variety.
Courtney: What's Va-rye-ety? Some kind of bread? We don't have any rye bread today it's gone. I don't understand it. (concentrates REALLY HARD) I mean we had it yesterday.
Taggert: That's ok, don't you concern yourself with anything that hard, girl.
AJ: I'll give ya something hard....
Courtney: What?!
Taggert: Hey, you insultin' the lady here?
AJ: No! No....swear to God...
Taggert: Get upstairs! Get out of my sight you weasel.
AJ leaves....
Courtney: Gosh, thanks (blushes)
Taggert: No problem. Now, why don't you tell Mr Taggert all about your missing rye bread...
Zander: Hey, Elizabeth, I think Emily's coming home!
Liz: Emily? Really! I can't wait! You know, she's like the only one that hasn't changed in the last few years! I can still see her face....I can't wait to see her! I bet she looks just the same!
Zander: I sure hope so. I really miss her.
Cameron (Saunters up to the counter) And you think you'll get a story with her, son? You've got what we Docs call "delusions of grandeur" Emily isn't going to give ya the time of day.
Zander: Why not? Cameron: Well, son, look over there, see that man? (points to Sonny) he's what you'd call "the top banana," "the head cheese," "the big kahoona...."
Zander: Ok, ok....I got it. Cameron: Well, I do believe I heard that Emily's comin' back and courtin' Ric, Sonny's right hand man. That way, Mr Corinthos can be in all the stories without ever havin' ta step outside of his penthouse.
Liz: WHAT? Ric!??? I'm so outta here! I quit!
Cameron: Now, hold up there little lady, you don't want to go makin' any rash decisions now, do ya? After all, you're the last of the Webbers in this here town.
Liz: Well....I guess I could stay...if only for Gran and Gramps!
Zander: Hey, isn't that Alexis?
Cameron: No, son, I believe that's Ginger from Gillian's Island.
Zander: No, that's definately Alexis, I can see the paper bag from here.
Cameron: Oh, gotta go, son. I believe that's what we Docs call an emergency.
(over in the corner)
Sonny: I don't want to hear it. You are NOT buying Courtney a Hallmark bear for Valentine's day. Case Closed!
Jason: Stare.
Sonny: And don't talk back to me!
Jason: Stare. Carly: Sonny, don't you think you're being unreasonable? I mean, come on, Jason's an adult and so is Courtney!
Sonny: Look you, go to your room!
Carly: We're at Kelly's you idiot!
Sonny: I don't care....go upstairs.
Carly: Oh, you just suck! (stomps upstairs)
Jason: Blink.
Sonny: I swear to GOD I'm gonna POP YOU ONE!
Ric: Sonny.
Sonny: Ric.
Ric: Jason.
Jason: Nod.
Ric: I got what you asked for.
Sonny: The diamond necklace for Carly?
Ric: Yep....here it is.
Sonny: Thanks, pal. YOU I can trust. (glares at Jason)
Faith: Look at him. Eating the bait up piece by piece!
Ned: Let's have sex.
Faith: Right here?
Ned: No, what do you think I am, an animal? We'll go upstairs in the bathroom, come on!
they run upstairs....
Brenda: (storms in) Well, I just don't want to that's all....
Elton: But, But, Miss Barrett! Every girl needs to have a pedicure on her wedding day! I mean, it's tradition!
Brenda: I SAID I don't want one!
Elton: Suit yourself, but don't say I didn't warn you. Keep your toes covered, missy!
Brenda: Sigh....
Liz: So, Brenda, how's it going?
Brenda: What?
Liz: Isn't today your wedding day?
Brenda: Oh, yeah, that...I guess so. I've had so many... Listen, can I have some pie?
Liz: A piece of pie, coming up...
Brenda: No, just bring the whole thing...(glances around....spots Sonny, their eyes lock)
Sonny: Jason, go. Now.
Jason: (gets up, leaves)
Brenda: (saunters over) Hey.
Sonny: Hey.
crash......boom, Jax flies in....
Jax: Me BRENDER! ME BRENDER! she's dis-appeah-ed again! What's am I to do?!
Brenda: Oh, my God, JAX, I'm right here!
Jax: BRENDER! It's you! I was so afraid when I saws you didn't get the pedicure. I thought you were gone fah good!
Brenda: No, I just need some time....
Jax: Well, ok, but we only have the church until 3:00. Dinga, Blasta Hurry up! (he leaves)
Sonny: Looks at Brenda
Brenda: (smiles) Guess you're wondering....
Sonny: No, no...nothin' to wonder about. You're marrying Jax today. Valentine's Day. I wish you luck.
Brenda: Uh, can we go outside for a minute?
Sonny: Sure, let me just take care of something (stands, goes to the bottom of the stairs) CARLY! HEY!
Carly: WHAT the HELL do you want?
Sonny: Tosses box with necklace in it up....THERE, put that on and wait for me NAKED up there, will ya?
Carly: WHATEVER!!!!
Sonny: come on....(they go out the door to the docks)
Brenda: (looks out to the horizon) You ever wonder about things?
Sonny: No, I try not to, it only complicates matters.
Brenda: So, you and Carly...
Sonny: Yeah.
Brenda: Why?
Sonny: (shakes head) You keep leavin'....
Brenda: I'm here now.
Sonny: No, I know you, you're not stayin' here long...in fact, I bet you've got your bag packed right now.
Brenda: (looks down, tear falls) sigh...I can't stay here.
Sonny: I know.
Brenda: Kiss me.
they have a huge kiss...HUGE..... Sonny: (looks at her)I gotta go...
Brenda: (laughs and cries at the same time) yeah, I know, Carly's waiting. Better hurry up before she starts screaming out the window.
Sonny: you take care...
Brenda: You know I will. (watches him walk away)
Jason: Uh, hey.
Brenda: What were you doing, watching?
Jason: Stare.
Brenda: Ok, what do you want?
Jason: Here.
Brenda: What's this? A book? Jason: Yeah, on Africa. Michael and I used to read it. I think you might need it.
Brenda: That's sweet.
Jason: Giraffe's are our favorites.
Brenda: Well...
Jason: See ya.
Brenda: I still hate you.
Jason: Stare.
Brenda: Just a little though. (watches Jason walk away)
song starts playing: Leaving on a Jet Plane......we watch Brenda leave the docks. The Most Beautiful Girl in Port Charles goes off into the sunset.
Until next time...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alas, I can't take credit for this gem. It was written by my friend Toonces. Enjoy!

BIG News From ABC!



In light of the success of GH's Fan Fantasy episode, ABC-TV has announced that they'll be damning copyright infringements and renaming the network SCTV as of March 1. With the name change comes a new lineup of programming and a new slogan -- all Sonny Corinthos, all the time.

A sample day of programming on the new network:
6 AM: Local News Headlines. Sonny Corinthos crime update.
7 AM: Good Morning Port Charles. Hosted by Skye Chandler Quartermaine Jax. Residents of Port Charles visit the set and share with her the reasons Port Charles would be a safer place without Sonny Corinthos.
10 AM: Wheel of Misfortune. Hosted by Audrey Hardy. Contestants compete for prizes as they try to outdo each other with tales of horror of the misdeeds they've endured by the Corinthos family. In the bonus round, contestants are hung from a meat hook and the first one to free themselves wins $100,000.
11 AM: Double Jeopardy! Hosted by Scotty Baldwin. Sonny and Jason are tried over and over for their crimes and the first person to make a conviction stick wins $1 million.
Noon: To Tell The Truth. Hosted by Mac Scorpio. Contestants try to get Jason Morgan to confess to something. The first two people who get him to change his facial expression move on to the bonus round. The first person to get a confession wins a day as the local crime lord.
1 PM: All Carly's Children. Soap Opera. Sonny yells at Carly, she gets drunk and sleeps with every man in Pine Valley. Local residents must then sort out whose child is whose.
2 PM: More Than One Life To Live: Soap Opera. Sonny and Jason wander the streets of Llanview shooting everyone they don't like. Victims fight for their lives to seek retaliation.
3 PM: General Mobsters. Soap Opera. General mayhem as ELQ folds, Luke's and Kelly's shut their doors, the hospital goes bankrupt, and the entire town must make a living being employed by the Corinthos-Morgan coffee warehouse.
4 PM: Judge Luke. Hosted by Luke Spencer. Victims of mob crimes enter Judge Luke's courtroom in the hopes of finally receiving justice against Sonny.
5 PM: The Corinthos Bunch. Comedy. Hilarity unfolds as Leticia tries to raise the six children Sonny and Carly have stolen from their fathers.
5:30 PM: Sonny's Island. Comedy. Stranded on a deserted island with Carly, Jason, Brenda, Jax, Alexis and Rick, Sonny and the castaways try to find their way back home with nothing more than palm trees, coconuts and Jason's gun.
6 PM: Corinthos and Son. Comedy. In a desperate attempt to go straight, little Michael opens up a junk shop in the penthouse and sells all the crystal, which Carly must then go out and replace.
6:30 PM: I Love Carly. Comedy. Madcap adventures of Carly include her attempt to dress up a bag of coffee as a baby and take it on a transatlantic flight without having to pay the price of a ticket.
7 PM: Welcome Back, Sonny. Comedy. Sonny returns to his roots in Brooklyn, where he's hired on to teach a class in Organized Crime 101 at PS 666. His class includes a various assortment of Cerullo and Taggert kids.
7:30 PM: Borgman. Comedy. Caped crusaders Borgman and his sidekick, the Mini Mobster, dress up in tights and fight crime in Port Charles under their assumed, unknown identities.
8 PM: Just Shoot Me. Comedy. Editor-In-Chief Benny tries to launders money for the mob through the legitimate Crush Magazine.
8:30 PM: 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Sister. Comedy. The trials and tribulations of the relationship between Jason and Courtney as they attempt to live by Sonny's rules.
9 PM: Kingpin. Drama. Rival mobs converge on Port Charles in an attempt to take over Sonny's territory.
10 PM: I'm A Mobster, Get Me Out Of Here! Reality. Sonny, Jason, Benny, Johnny and Max compete to see who can go the longest without designer suits, brandy and limousines.
11 PM: Local News. Updates on the latest crime wars.
11:30 PM: The Tonight Show With Ned Ashton. Highlights include nutty headlines about Port Charles crime from newspapers around the world.
12:30 AM: Late Night With AJ Quartermaine. Top Ten Candidates To Father A Baby With Carly; Stupid Mobster Tricks. Also included: Biff Henderson visits Mobster Training Camp in Tampa Florida.
1:30 AM: Who Wants To Be A Mobster? Hosted by Zander Smith. Contestants must answer 20 questions to win the ultimate prize -- a job as a lieutenant in the Port Charles mob.
2 AM: Greed. Hosted by Bobbie Spencer. Contestants answer questions for a chance to get their hands on Sonny's silver briefcase.
3 AM: The Amazing Pasta Pot. Infomercial. Carly Corinthos shows the ease with which anyone can make a home-cooked Italian feast.
4 AM: Ding King. Infomercial. Elizabeth Webber demonstrates how anyone can quickly remove the dings and dents left by having their car parked too close to the latest assassination attempt on Sonny.
5 AM: Sonic Ears. Infomercial. Johnny illustrates how this little product will allow you to eavesdrops on rival mob bosses from the next town.
6 AM: Flowbee. Infomercial. Taggert tries convince viewers why they should go with the bald look, using Jason, Ned, Jax and Scotty's use of this product as evidence.

~Toonces copywrite 2002

The Making of Rumors WUB (2002)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To all my webmaster buddies who know just how hard it is to keep a rumor a rumor and a spoiler a spoiler. And to all those on the Soap Zone, fan message boards and email groups who make our jobs just a more "interesting"...!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Setting: Kelly's
Edward: DANG NABBIT! Listen up! We have to talk about all these changes people, I am NOT happy.....AJ! AJ! Are you here yet or are you over there drinking the cooking sherry?
AJ: I'm here (throws script) BUT THIS SUCKS!
Jason: Stare.
AJ: (points) AND YOU SHUT UP!
Jason: Double Stare-Stare.
Courtney: Come on guys, uh....can't we all just get along? I mean, really...
AJ: Whatever....he gets the GIRL....the DOG and the leather jacket. SUCKS!
Jax: (yelling from the corner) Crikey! GET ME OTTAH this bed, I thinks I jest saw Justus!!!!
Brenda: That's ok, baby....I love you and I'm your physical therapist!
Skye: Give me that! (whips away bed pan). Jax, you know, she's not really sick. And I love you...I do!
Jax: Ah....Ah....I think I kin feel me legs!
Justus: (whispers in his ear) that's what I thought......
Jax: Ahhhhhhh! Help me!
Luke: Get that harpy Aussie OUTTA here! Geesh...a man can't even think about his up coming story with a dead ringer for his wife...what's her name?
Lucky: Uh, Dad..it's LAURA.
Luke: I know that, I mean my new blonde woman person...
Nik: Says here.....(flips pages) Winter. Winter Spring.
Lila: Edward, what did he say, we're having an early spring???
Edward: No..no, I think he said he's having a little fling.....
Skye: Hey! Who the hell wrote this????
Carly: What?
Skye: Says right here: "Enrique chases Skye into Club 101....."
Maxie: (eavesdropping outside) OMG! Mini! Come here.... Mini: What!?
Maxie: SkyeJax just said that Enrique Inglesis is coming to Club 101!
Mini: NO WAY!
Maxie: Total WAY......hurry, go tell MOM!
Lucas: (looks dreamy) I am so into Enrique....
Maxie: You would be....
Lucas: What's THAT supposed to mean? (chugs a beer..burps)
Maxie: YOU know what they are saying, don't you?
Lucas: No, what?
Maxie: you haven't like noticed that you're totally wearing J Crew and reading Bridget Jones' Diary?
Lucas: Oh....crap. Oh my God! This isn't beer! It's Zima!(throws it)
meanwhile...inside.....
Carly: Enrique follows YOU? He's for me, you slut! (stomps on Skye's foot with her go-go boots)
Skye: Ouch, you witch!
Liz: Just a minute! I'm ENRIQUES'!
Carly: NO, dear.....you are for...uh, Daniel.
Reginald: Uh, ladies, they are the SAME character... Carly: No.
Reginald: Yep....came in on the Palm Pilot this am....they thought "Enrique" was way too ethnic a name.
Liz: What? Oh my God, this is TOO MUCH! First JASON won't even KISS me, now this!
Brenda: I HEAR YA SISTER! Jason wouldn't even pucker up for ME, the Most Beautiful Girl in Port Charles!!!!!
Taggert: (whispers to Luke) I hear he's got some kind of clause in his contract...something about no nipple shots....
Luke: Pfffffffft! (spits out drink)
AJ: Yeah, and like MY NIPPLES are just out EVERY DAMN DAY!
Edward: Order! Order!
Ned: Hey, I don't take orders from you old man, I have to tend to Alexis. She's having cramp episode number 34 here, it may be serious....
Alexis: Puff....breathe...Puff....breathe.....
Ned: There, there....
Scotty: Hey, pal...didn't YOU kill Rick Webber?
Cameron: I just got here.
Scotty: Yeah, well.....you look familiar....watch your step, I'm DA now!
Carly: Hey, nuts-o!! Your SHRINK IS HERE!
Brenda: Shut up I'm not CRAZY! I just ACT THAT WAY! Sonny, shut her up!
Sonny: Ah, no can do. She's my wife and I love her. But dang, girl....(looks her up and down) you got one HELL of a backside....(dimples flash)
Alcazar: EYES OFF or I'll KILL you!
Bobbie: (snapping gum) actually Alkie, says here, YOU are going in November and no one knows WHO did it!
Luke: Great ANOTHER freekin' murder no one will solve.
Taggert: I HEARD THAT!
Luke: If the shoe fits, pal.....
Mac: AT least YOU HAVE A SHOE!
Edward: Wasn't Tracey supposed to come back?
Alan: Oh, father, that is such an OLD rumor...get with the program.
Monica: Speaking of which, aren't we supposed to see Emily soon?
Alan: You mean new face Emily or the old Emily? Monica: ANY Emily.....
Lila: Oh, dear. I forgot she called...something about not wanting to come home for a year or something.
Zander: Uh, you talking about Emily?
Alan: Who are you?
Zander: Uh, Zander....
Monica: I've never seen you before in my life....
Zander: Hey, DUDE! Lucky...it's me, ZANDER!
Lucky: Like, Zazu, you're totally blocking my view of THAT HOT BABE over there! Move!
Zander: Oh, my GOD.
Maintence men: COMIN' THRU......COMIN' THRU.....(pushing gelato/hotdog/prezel cart)
Luke: Hey, it's the On Location Set...ok, who's goin' where?
Carly: (looks at script) YEAH! I GET to go !!!
Jason: Stare.
Sonny: Oh my God, not another LOCATION SHOOT!
Brenda: Goodie, Goodie! I'm getting wet I think! I look SO HOT when I'm wet!
Lucky: DAMN STRAIGHT!!!!
Brenda: Pig...
Sonny: heh, heh, heh....
Carly: DON'T EVEN GO THERE, SONNY!
Sonny: Ok, ok....but if Alexis isn't having my baby...and you're not having my baby....well SOMEBODY'S GOTTA BE HAVIN' MY BABY!
Skye: Well, I'm available.... I could be SonnySkyeJax!
Sonny: Get her away from me...
Felicia: (runs in) OH MY GOD! Is it true????
Luke: What?
Felicia: Well, silly, Julio Inglesis is playing your club this winter and we're all going on location to Zanadu to watch someone deliver Sonny's baby!
Sonny: Oh my GOD, I'm pregnant???? (touches belly)
Luke: Congrats, man...first one on daytime.
Lucas: Cool! Can I touch? Bobbie: LUCAS!!!!
Lucas: Nevermind.
Carly: Wahhhhhhhh I wanted to be FIRST !!! THE FIRST CORINTHOS BABY! Ok, Sonny, who's the father.....I mean MOTHER, who's the mother...????
Sonny: Uh, I uh....well...see....uh.. heh, heh....Jase, help me out here.
Jason: Stare. Ok. I'll spill. See we were in Vegas and....
Sonny: It was only a one night thing....
(doors swing open....jukebox blares) THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKIN''......AND THAT'S WHAT THERE GONNA DO! These boots were made for walkin...and there gonna walk. ALL. Over. YOU!
Luke: Dang, Nancy Sinatra? Who'da thunk it.
Guza: note: Nancy Sinatra will be played by Tori Spelling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
copywrite 2002. not that you'd WANT it...
WUBS 2002

Married To The Mob WUB

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Setting: Luke's Club
Guest Star: Chaz Palmenteri


Carly: Ok, now...is this right? I mean, do I chew my gum like this?

Chaz: No, honey...it's DIS....."do I'z chews my gum like DIS"....(looks over at crew rolls eyes)
Carly: HEY! I SAW that! Sonny won't like it at ALL!
Chaz: Whatevah. Come on, doll...I'm off da clock here, as a favah to an old piasano. We gotta practice before's ya go to da real locale....ok?
Carly: Ok, Ok....here goes: (shouting) LOOKS HERE'S...I'M MRS CORNINTHOS AND I'M HERE TO.....uh.....to uh......HEY!!!!! Liz!!! What's my line?
Liz: (reading) I'm here to smash your faces in and then...grind them up into dog meat.
Carly: Yeah.....Ok, what SHE said! I'm gonna's gets YOU's!!!! (starts to lift bat up to smash table....can't lift it.....) HEY! STUNT BAT GIRL! GET IN HERE!
Maxie: (dressed like Carly--lifts bat, whaps table. Carly stands off to the side watching, runs in when she's done)
Carly: GIVE me that bat....OK, now, WHERE WAS I? Oh, yeah, I'm here to make you a deal!
Chaz: No! No! It's an OFFAH...AN OFFAH......
Carly: An OFFAH? What the HELL IS THAT?! Make up! Make up! Get in here! This idiot spit on me!
Chaz: (whispers to Jason) This chick is NOT gonna make it...
Jason: Stare.
Carly: Uh...Uh....ELIZABETH....line!
Liz: (reading) I am here to make you an offer.....
Carly: Yeah, what SHE SAID! Now, I am the HEAD of the Great Corinthos Mob! I am the GREAT AND POWERFUL CARLY! You can all call me "Widow Corinthos" ....
Guys at Table: Laugh.
Carly: YOU GONNA LAUGH? .....STUNT BAT GIRL!
Maxie comes in, whams table....runs out
Carly: I'M NOT KIDDING! (hands on hips) REALLY! I am NOT KIDDING!
Guys at Table: Laughing, crying....
Guy One: (looks at Chaz) I'm sorry Boss, but this gal is crackin' me up!
Guy Two: Look at dem arms!
Guy Three: Oooooooooooo. I'm so scared!
Carly: What the HELL ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?!!!!! Jason MAKE THEM STOP!
Jason: (walks over to the table....Stares, really...really HARD)
Guys: Uh, uh....sorry.
Carly: THAT'S better! (cell phone rings) SOMEONE get that damn CELL PHONE! Who the HELL brought it here when I'm working????
Liz: Uh, Carly....
Carly: WHAT?? WHAT???
Liz: (points to Carly's waist)
Carly: Oh, geesh, sorry....(giggle) Uh, whatdoyawant? Oh....hi Michael...uh, you are? In the hospital? Emergency tonsilectomy? That's terrible....put Leticia on the phone will you honey?
(pause) WHAT THE HELL are you DOING LETTING HIM call ME HERE? I'm at work! Take care of it!!!! (pause) I don't care if they DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH at that jungle hospital...just HANDLE IT! (shuts phone....smooths mini skirt). Sorry. Where were we?
Chaz: (to Jason) what a piece a work....
Jason: Stare (shakes head)
Carly: Hey! I know, I think I need to eat some pasta that will help!....HEY LUKE, GOT ANY PASTA?!! And oh, yeah....I want an Armani suit...new nails and well, I think I'll need a Ferrari to drive, don't you, Elizabeth?
Liz: Uh....sure!
Carly: OF COURSE SURE! I am the WIDOW CORINTHOS! Now, come on, let's go...I feel like going to Confession!


WUBS 2002

Not your average SicilianWUBBER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You look maavelous" WUB

Note: This was written for Genie's last airdate: 9/6/02
~~~~~~~~~~~
Setting: R-wing in General Hospital
Laura: (talking to herself, but younger) You are so right! They are all OUT TO GET ME! I hate this! (walks around in circles...hums some weird Barney song)
Doctor: Mrs. Spencer, you have a visitor....
Laura: GO AWAY!
Elton: Ms Spencer, it's me! Elton! Your ever loving assistant....(has a giant bundle of red flowers) See? I brought you something!
Laura: Elton? Uh....Oh, Elton! Yes, I remember you....come on in! You can help me. Please. Help. Me. wahhhhhhh boo hoo. (takes flowers starts stroking them)
Elton: Oh, honey, of course I can...first off, let's comb that hair of yours!
Laura: No! She tells me you are evil (points to thin air)
Elton: (pause) Oh, her.....Pisssssssssssshhhhaw. She's just out to make you look bad. Believe me, girl, your hair is a MESS!
Laura: Well, ok...
they sit on the bed, Elton combs her hair...
Elton: So, how've you been?
Laura: Well, you know. Good and Bad I guess.
Elton: I tell you one thing, with you going crackers and Mr Spencer in jail, our perfume sales have just gone THRU the roof! Straight through. I tell you, it's a miracle.
Laura: Perfume?
Elton: Oh, you poor dear. Listen, don't you worry. I'll take care of everything.
Laura: Well, you did order the flowers for my wedding, right?
Elton: Sure did, pumpkin. Amy has them all ready for you. There, you look so pretty!
Laura: Thanks. (starts crying) Oh, Elton! I killed my stepfather!!!!!!! wahhhhhhh boo hoo.
Elton: (takes out a handkie) Now, you listen to me, Ms Spencer, from what I've heard, he was a giant ner'do well. He's better off at the bottom of that lake. Even if your son really botched THAT plan, if I do say so myself....
Laura: Wait! Do you hear that?
Elton: (cups his ear) not really, but I have some sinus today and....
Laura: SHHHHHHHHHHHH! Here they come! Hide!
Elton: Oh, now, there's just no where to go! (dives under the bed)
Laura: hee hee....I was only kidding, you can come out. Elton: Now, Ms Spencer....that wasn't funny. Look at my new Louis Vuitton! That was NOT being a good girl.
Laura: (pouts) I am so sorry. You are right....wahhhhhhhhh boo hoo.
Elton: Ok, next step, let's get you OUT of that hideous hospital gown! You look like Kathy Bates in "Misery"!
Laura: Well, I don't have any clothes.
Elton: You just leave it to me.....

later: Elton: there, what do you think?
Laura: (wearing a toga made from the bedsheet) Oh, this is lovely! I think I used to wear these....long ago..on an island....hey, wait a minute!!! YOU ARE A CASSADINE! No one makes togas like these but Stefan!!!!
Elton: (whispers) Don't tell anyone! I was Mekkos' brother's son. Helena thinks I'm living in Rio with 3 cats and my monkey!
Laura: You are really a Cassadine?
Elton: Oh, it's no big deal, really. I mean besides the curses and the killings and the incest, it's actually a pretty good family. Listen, you, take care and don't throw your bedpans at those poor interns anymore. They have enough to do around here.
Laura: Giggle. I won't. Elton?
Elton: yes?
Laura: Thanks....and why don't you take over Deception? I don't think I can run it from in here....
Elton: Claps hands....oh goodie! I have this great idea for a feta and blueberry scent! Thank you! Toodles!
Laura: Bye. (sits on bed) sigh. It was so nice of Elton John to visit. (starts singing "Rocket Man").....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WUBS 2002
Elton Cassadine. Who Knew?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: For those of you that don't know, the WUBS began in 1997 when the height of the Jax/Sonny/Brenda wars were raging. The term "WUB" actually comes from Brenda and Jax's wubbly love they shared (that and a ton of couch sex). I am therefore, THRILLED to have Brender back, as she is the FIRST WUB character ever written for! ~Enjoy!

ME Brender's Back
"and there's gonna be trouble"
WUB

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
setting: Brenda's dressing room, first day on the set

Brenda: (looking in the mirror singing) "I feel Pretty....oh, so pretty! I feel pretty and whitty and "...........
Nikolas: Uncle? Oh, excuse me, I thought perhaps my Uncle was in here singing.
Brenda: No. No uncles here, just beautiful women! Who are you, you handsome in a dark way kinda man?
Nikolas: Why, I am Nikolas Cassadine, Prince of the Russian Egg.
Brenda: (giggles) No, you're not Nikolas. I KNEW Nikolas Cassadine and you're not him!
Nikolas: You are mistaken. Who, may I ask are you?
Brenda: WHO am I? Laughs, oh, like ONLY The Most Beautiful Girl in Port Charles...
Nikolas: Oh, yes. I have heard of you. You were the face before my fiance Gia was the face.
Brenda: Gia? Gia who? There's ANOTHER FACE!? Well, we'll see about that. (drags out her tripod) And I still say you're not Nikolas Cassadine.
Nikolas: I shall prove it to you. (yells down the hall) BROTHER! BROTHER! Come here!
Lucky: Yeah, yeah, hold your horses.....WHOA!
(Sketchers skid to a stop) Who are YOU!??? Man, you're HOT! (looks Brenda up and down, drools)
Brenda: giggle. Well, thank you, but I KNOW that already. So? Is this really Nikolas Cassadine?
Lucky: Yes, unfortunately, it is.
Brenda: gee..I must have been away longer than I thought...now, who are you, you blonde cutie?
Lucky: (sticks his chest out) I'm Lucky Spencer! Brenda: Ok, who's playing a joke??? You are SO LIKE, NOT Lucky!
Lucky: Yes I am, I was surgically enhanced about 2 years ago.
Brenda: Oh, I just give up! (swings hair around)
Nikolas: Yes, well....see you later, I'm sure. Come brother, we must go tend to Sheba.
Lucky: (turns to leave) MAN, you are HOT!!!!!!
Brenda: Whatever...just close the door, ok? (she goes back to filling in her mole with black)

BOOM! Door Flies Open.....
Carly: THERE YOU ARE, YOU SLUT!!!!
Brenda: Excuse me??
Carly: Oh, shut the hell up. I know who you are, and YOU ARE NOT GETTING SONNY!
Brenda: (laughs) Oh, you know, I don't know WHO you are, but I ALWAYS get Sonny. And Jax....and.....
Carly: Listen! See this? (jams finger in the air) I am MRS CARLY CORINTHOS NOW! Got it????
Brenda: What? Carly? (walks around her, looks her up and down). Ok, now I like, KNOW something's wrong. You are NOT Carly....(swings hair)
Carly: AM TOO! I may have lost 50 pounds but I can still take your butt, Barrett! Get over here!
Jason: (pops in door) Carly. Stop. (picks her up by the waist...she's swinging in the air) Sonny says time to go home.
Brenda: Jason.
Jason: Uh. Brenda. Sorry about this. She's just...uh. Stare.
Brenda: Whatever.....
Jason: (turns to go, bonks Carly on the doorjam, she passes out) Well. See ya.
Brenda: Take that thing with you...and Jason?
Jason: Stare.
Brenda: I still, like SO HATE YOU.
Jason: Stare.

Later: Skye: So, YOU'RE the famous Brenda Barrett. Well, well, well.
Brenda: Like, OH MY GOD, did they hire A WHOLE new cast? Who the hell are you?!
Skye: I'm the soon to be Skye Jax.
Brenda: Excuse me? You're a terrorist or something?
Skye: No, nitwit. I am going to marry Jax!
Brenda: Yeah, right. (laughs)
Skye: Really, I am.
Brenda: Ok, let me ask you some questions. First...has Jax ever carried you on his back?
Skye: Well of course not, that's juvenile.
Brenda: Ever do it on the couch?
Skye: No. I only "do it" on Wamsutta sheets.
Brenda: Ever eat s'mores?
Skye: (tearing up) No, I don't even know what they are!!!!!! (runs out crying)
Brenda: Idiot. Marry Jax. Pffffffffffft! As if!
(rustling in the doorway)
Lucky: YOU ARE SO HOT! (Nikolas drags him away)

All of a sudden Brenda looks towards the door....Sonny is standing there, one hand in his pocket, the other leaning on the doorjam....he's smiling.

Sonny: Hey. Jason said you were here.
Brenda: Hey yourself.
Sonny: (looks up...then at Brenda) So...here we are....
Brenda: Yes, here we are. By the way, I met your wife. (shakes hair)
Sonny: Yeah. Carly.
Brenda: (raises eyebrow)
Sonny: (laughs) Hey, what do ya want from me? You were gone a long time.
Brenda: Well, I'm back now.....

GIANT BOOM IN THE HALL...SONNY'S KNOCKED TO THE SIDE
Jax: OH! It's ME BRENDER! OH! Sonny! look, it's ME BRENDER!!!!!!! I'm a dinga dog in heaven!!!! Blimey! (picks up Brenda, twirls her around, swings her on his back)
Brenda: (laughing) Oh, Jax! You haven't changed a bit!
Jax: (to Sonny) Is it really her Sonny, is it, is it?!!!!!
Sonny: (dimples flashing) Yeah, Jax, it's her.
Jax: Does this mean we gets ta fight ovah her again? Huh? Does it Sonny? Crikey! How's I missed those battles! Me BRENDER! ME BRENDER!!!! I needs a Fostah!
Sonny: (looks at Brenda says very low) have fun...don't let him play in traffic now....
Brenda: Yeah, giggles, I know (she's still swinging on his back)
Jax: Come on! I gots ta show ya my new boat and tell ya about Chloe, and Skye and Jerry and the Quatahmaines and....me's new boat....and....
Brenda: (going out the door on Jax's back) Sonny?
Sonny: Yeah...
Brenda: Meet me in the alley?
Sonny: Won't miss it for the world.....(flashes dimples)
Fade to Black.......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WUBS 2002
Brought to you by Wamsutta Sheets, Max Factor 7 Mole pencil and
Foster's Beer
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SHE'S BAAACK!

OPIE OPUS " I AM Your Father" WUB

Setting: the Docks....
Alas, Poor Opie, he hears the "truth" from all sides today
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Opie: Aw, gee....I didn't get to play with my friend today, Mr Frog, because my Daddy, he's really rich and no one likes him. They are so jealous and everything!
AJ: (steps out of the shadows) Hello, there little boy....heh, heh..is that a frog you're talking to?
Opie: Well, yeah, I gots some problems.
AJ: You know, I used to talk to frogs when I was little....just LIKE YOU!
Opie: You did?
AJ: Yep. And see these freckles.....
Opie: (squints) well, not really...
AJ: They're there! And I had red hair and a scratchy voice JUST LIKE YOU!
Opie: I think you're scaring me....
AJ: Well, I shouldn't...see I'M YOUR FATHER....
Opie: No, Sonny's my father...
AJ: NO....HE'S A BAD MAN AND YOUR MOTHER sold YOU to him....he's really BAD! HE MURDERS PEOPLE, AND SHOOTS THEM AND ....
Opie: Stop! (covers his ears)
Jason: (out of the shadows) Yeah, AJ. Stop.
Opie: Uncle Jason!
Jason: Now, Michael, don't listen to what he says Your father is a fine, fine man. He sells coffee and icecream. When I was your father, I was a fine man too. We are all fine men, except AJ.
Opie: You were my father?
Jason: Yes. (stare)
AJ: Sure ya were! Tell him what you do now, you scum! You make people eat worms and monkey guts and stuff!
Opie: Ewwwwwwww. Gross!
Jason: Michael. This man. Is. Mean.
Opie: Is he my father?
Jason: Stare.
Sonny: (walking out of the shadows) No, Michael, I am your father. It pains me to tell you this...gives me the angst, but I won you fair and square here, from your other father in a poker game.
AJ: THAT WAS NO POKER GAME, YOU HUNG ME FROM A MEAT HOOK!
Sonny: Shut up you, you're a drunk! Michael, in case you don't know what a drunk is, it's someone that drinks DRUGS and falls down a lot.
Opie: I think I need to see Leticia now....
Jason: Sure ya do, kid...come on
Tony: (coming out of the shadows) I don't think you're going anywhere, you brain damaged freak.
Opie: What's a brain damage?
Sonny: You're Biological Daddy here was drunk and drove your Uncle/Father into a tree. Now his brains are mush.
Tony: And THAT man is a criminal!
AJ: And you TRIED TO KIDNAPP him!
Tony: I was TOLD I was his FATHER! Michael your MOTHER SHOT ME! Right here!!!! See this big, ugly scar?????
Jason: Carly told me I was his father too. I think I have some scary scars too. Just a minute. (stares around his body)
AJ: Hey, I have PLENTY of GO-GO boot scars RIGHT HERE on my shins....
Sonny: I can TOP ya'll I have like 6 bullet wounds, AND I get another this month!
Opie: Ok....listen, all my Daddies?
Tony, AJ, Jason, Sonny: (Stare) Yes, Michael
Opie: Where's my Mommy?
Jason: Uh. Stare.
Tony: She's the one that STARTED all this! AJ: Yeah! Let's get Carly!
Sonny: Now, that's MY WIFE! But, ya know, now that I think about it....what the hell, let's get her!! To the Penthouse!!!!!
Opie: Uh, ok. But can we keep Leticia?
Sonny: Sure, kid, sure. Somebody's got to give ya your baths....
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WUBS 8/2002
This episode WAS not written nor endorsed by T Berry Brazelton.
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