Felicia: Ok, everyone, off the boat. Hurry up..we haven't got all day.
Edward: Where in the SAM HILL are we now? Good Lord, I certainly didn't dress for this.
Tracey: What are you complaining about? I have on my good Pradas and I'm standing in SAND! In SAND! Who ever heard of a will that makes you do this?
Dillon: Yeah, at least I didn't have to wear my dress out here. Although it would be a bit cooler, I could catch the breeze and it would fly up and...
Ned: Man, you gotta get off the clothes thing, you're scaring me!
Felicia: Listen up! This competition is called "The Q-vivor"..that's right. Surviving on this island for 24 hours. The person that has the worst skills will be voted off by me at the end of the day.
Alan: Great, I have sand in my shoes.
Monica: Shut up, Alan...I need my sunscreen, uh, Felicia, we DO get sunscreen don't we because as a Doctor I can't really let us stay out here very long...
Felicia: No, Monica, you'll have to make your own if you want some. There are plenty of plants you can use.
Alan: For the love of Pete...(eyeroll) Why did I wear this suit?
Monica: When do you ever NOT wear a suit?
Felicia: First, you'll be divided into two tribes. Let's see..we have the Mango tribe over here with Tracey, Alan, Dillon and Justus and the Cashew tribe on this side with Edward, Monica, Jason and Ned.
Tracey: Well, at least I have my son on my team...although I fail to see how Justus can play if he didnt' eat the fish.
Justus: I'm EXEMPT woman, I was allergic to the fish.
Tracey: Well, I'm allergic to the sun!
Monica: Oh, you are not.
Felicia: Here are your tasks: Build a shelter and gather some food for a meal. Whomever serves Big Alice and myself the best dinner will win. That team is exempt from being told they are out of the race. Got it?
Edward: We have to feed Big Alice? Good Lord.
Big Alice: That's one strike old man!
both teams race to the inner island
Monica: Where the heck are we anyway? I think I see Canada!
Jason: Doesn't matter.
Ned: What do you know about it anyway?
Jason: Uh, I was stranded with Karen and Jagger once and I work on an island. Sometimes. You know, with Sonny. Blink.
Edward: That's fantastic! Get building son!
Jason: Uh. I don't like you people.
Monica: Jason, dear, I'm your mother, now, come on..let's get started ok? You don't want Aunt Tracey to win do you?
Jason: Blink. Ok, there's some bamboo, let's get cutting.
In the meantime, on the other end of the island
Dillon: SUCKS, this SUCKS...
Alan: Tracey, tell your son to watch his language.
Tracey: IT DOES suck, Alan. I hate this. I hate this..I (she sits down) give up.
Justus: I didn't come this far to have your skinny butt ruin this for me, get up woman and find some berries!
Tracey: (scrunches up nose) Did he just tell me to find some berries? Did he really tell me that?
Dillon: Yes, mother he did. I guess he missed my entire childhood where all you could get for dinner was take out or room service.
Alan: Oh, thank goodness, here's a stream. I'm taking off my shoes and...
Justus: Don't do that man! We gotta drink that! Come on kid, help me with this bark, we can carve it out and make a nice door to the hut.
Tracey: Alan, did he say HUT? A HUT? Oh, come on, here...take this..it's my scarf for emergencies.
Dillon: It's huge!
Tracey: You never know dear, you never know. We can use this for a tent. What do you think?
Justus: Oh, I like it...I like it...just a hint of mauve and that leopard print is perfect!
Alan: I really think I've died and gone to hell. I really do.
LATER THAT NIGHT...
Felicia: Well tribes, how did we do?
Tracey: We're alive aren't we, let's get TO IT..come on, come on over to our tent.
Felicia: Well, all right...Big Alice, you coming?
Big Alice: Is that there a tent I see?
Alan: Yes, Miss Big..I mean, Alice, have a seat.
Felicia: Well, the table setting is interesting...
Justus: We found some nice rocks and shined them all up with Dillon's hair gel.
Felicia: Ewwwwwww, the food's on the hair-gel plates?
Dillon: GOOD GOIN' DUDE!
Tracey: Oh, shut up and eat what we picked for you, for Godsakes...
Felicia: Well, all right (scrunches up nose) This is uh, interesting..
Justus: It's island blueberries with a hint of maple syrup in a chestnut puree.
Big Alice: This is fantastic!
Alan: See, I told you I know how to grind nuts, I'm a doctor after all....
Felicia: Very good. But, we do have to go to the other camp...
Tracey: NO competition there, I'm sure. I mean MONICA's over there. I'm sure you'll eat dirt and maybe a wild root or two...
At the Camp Cashew
Ned: (wearing only briefs and a homemade guitar) Ladies, ladies..sit right here....I have some dinner music for you (sings "Tiny Bubbles")
Felicia: (scrunches up face...smiles big tooth smile) Oh, this is lovely!
Monica: Isn't it just? Why, Jason knows just what to do out here!
Tracey: (eyeroll) Just get on with it will ya?
Edward: Here we are...first course...
Big Alice: FIRST course? there's more than one? Oh, I'm in heaven!
Edward: Seared Lake trout with a hint of rosemary...
Felica: Oh, this is amazing!
Monica: Jason caught it with his bare hands!
Alan: Good Lord, it figures (throws up hands)
Monica: And here's some wild cabbage with some light raspberry vinaigrette...and for dessert, we found a goat and churned our own icecream!
Jason: That was from the stay at the Cassadine's that time.. Blink.
Dillon: It's over, man!
Ned: Here's some red wine--there's a wild grape bush over there, we all pressed the grapes in Jason's homemade birch barrel press.
Tracey: Enough..Geesh! (hits Justus) I TOLD you that lame bluberry thing wasn't going to work even IF we DID smash up that extra Nutri-bar I had in my purse.
Dillon: MOM! SHUT UP!
Ned: Dude, don't tell our mother to shut up.
Tracey: Ned, shut up..he can tell me to shut up if he wants to tell me to shut up..
Felicia: WAIT! did you say you put a Nutri--grain bar IN YOUR SURVIVOR food? That's a total violation of the rules!
Alan: I only mashed it. Tracey gave it to me.
Justus: I didn't want the bar, but Tracey said so...
Dillon: I'm only a kid!
Big Alice: (walks over to Tracey..stands over her) Did you put that bar in the puree, Miss Tracey? Did you?
Tracey: Oh, all right. And anyway, we couldn't beat nature-boy Morgan's feast here anyway.
Felicia: I'm sorry to say Tracey, your flame is extinguished. And your team will have to be very careful on the next mission.
Alan: Thank God that's OVER...Monica, give me some of that fish, will you? I'm starving.
Monica: Not on your life.
The Q Reality Race!