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REAd tHeM

WHEN SANTA RUNS OUT OF PROZAC

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career as a lawn care specialist.
How about I send you a damn book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire
truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this
year!
Love,
Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot little affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon
cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of
dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are
even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your
speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? What are you, some sort of fag?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You
want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at
the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't
cut it up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky,
" that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house,
that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa

**************

Christmas Cake recipe ( Try it out I might join you )
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

*****************

Santa Claus is coming to town!

Not lonog ago and far away, Sant was getting ready for his annual trip...But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves didnt produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind scedule.
then mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to. More Stress! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "wher would you like to pt this tree fat man?"
And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the christmas tree. Twas the Night Before Christmas

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
AND ON THE WALL PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBERING THOUGHT CAME TO MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, SO DARK AND SO DREARY,
THE SOLDIER, NOW COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND SOON DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I CONTINUTED TO WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL,
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD EVENING'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE, WHISPERED,
"CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

*******************

25 Ways to Annoy Your Roommate at Christmas

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.
2. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roomate's two front teeth..."
11. Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"
13. Whip your roomate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."
14. Tear down all your roomate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"
15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!"
16. Tell your roomate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.
17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate's friends "give it a yank."
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."
21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear.
22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
23. Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."
24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."
25.When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.

********

Two sisters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"

*********

I was sitting with my four-year-old son one night sometime around Christmas. We were reading a book on the nativity story.
When we came to the part where Mary laid baby Jesus in the manger, I said, "And here's the baby lyin' in the manger."
My son stopped a moment then turned to me with the most quizzical look on his face and said, "But mommy, where's the baby lion?"

**********

Passing through a small Southern town one evening last Decem- ber, I was impressed to see a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. It was so beautiful that I got out of my car for a closer look.
One small feature did bother me, though: The three Wise Men seemed to be wearing firemen's helmets. I was so bewildered that I stopped at a restaurant on the edge of town and asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She "hmphed" at me and said, "Don't you Yankees ever read the Bible?"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jab- bed her finger at a passage she announced triumphantly, "See, it says right here... 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

****************

What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?Today, I found out at a luncheon at church. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember. The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ. Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love. The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John. The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament. The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation. Seven swans a-swimming represented the seven fold gifts of the Holy Spirit - wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety and fear of the Lord. The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes. Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love,Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments. The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples. The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed. So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...

*MERRy ChriStmAS*

Sorry you don't have the right plug in to listen to the music