Explosions and Costumes...

The Video

Who is this guy?

Our scene opens in the hallways of the Verizon Center in Washington D.C. There is a man walking down the hallway in an American Flag jumpsuit with a stars and stripes motorcycle helmet covering his face. He is being trailed by the same Action Packed Wrestling man that bothered Shadow when he first arrived. Chip Douglas is the man’s name that follows the All American Motorcyclist down the halls as he looks to be making his way somewhere in particular. There has been something made perfectly clean to the locker room since that one guy, Death Wish made an attempt on President Jeff’s life, no wrestlers, and only a few select staff members are even allowed to speak to him. This is where the jumpsuit is heading.

Chip: Mr. Mr…

All American: It’s Fender Rhodes son! Get it right!

The man speaks with distinction, he has kind of a southern accent. But his face, all his skin is masked as he walks through the corridors of the Verizon Center.

Chip: Mr. Rhodes, you cannot just walk into Hurricane Jeff’s office. We are on lockdown you have no right!

Fender Rhodes pushes through two security guards shoving them out of the way like the bad ass he is. His intent resonates from his stride as he walks. The guards fall into step behind Rhodes and Chip as he approaches a single doorway at the end of a hall. It has a name written on it, but the name read’s ‘Janitor.’ There is a gleam in the eyes behind that huge heavy helmet as Rhodes reaches the door and opens it.

Chip: No! Stop!

Fender: You know you cannot stop a man who jumped twenty seven Greyhounds, end to end.

President Jeff is sitting behind a desk in this little ass office masked as a janitor’s closet. Then again this is not far from the truth. There are cleaning supplies as well as a few mops and brooms. Jeff’s desk is also not a very nice one. It does not have the usually glass-like varnish coating that usually adorns his place of business. This desk is cracked and looked to be an old dresser. But Jeff still wears a nice suit as he sits behind this desk in a crappy rolling chair. In front of his desk is a steel chair where an assistant sits. Fender approaches this chair as Jeff sits up. The assistant gets up and moves out of the way as Fender plops down in the chair and kicks his American flag painted leather boots onto the desk. He leans back as Jeff waves his hand at the security guards standing at the door about to come in and eject Mr. Rhodes from the arena. Chip also just stands there in shock at the audacity of Mr. Rhodes. Jeff scowls at the man, who he has no idea why he is here. In fact Jeff does not even know of a man named Fender Rhodes. His spider senses start tingling as Jeff gets ready to motion for the guards to get rid of this guy.

Fender Rhodes: Mr. Jeff, do you know what Chuck Berry really said every night before counting one, two, three, four?

Jeff just looks a little stunned.

Fender Rhodes: Get those white boys the hell out!

He points to the three men at the door. The assistant has already lit up out of Jeff office. As Fender sits there in the chair Jeff gets up. He nods to the door knowing with his background he could handle this guy before he could even get out of the chair. Jeff walks around the desk and leans against it that way all he has to do is kick the legs out from under Mr. Rhodes to ensure a surprise attack. The guards and Chip leave as Fender crosses his arms and looks up from behind his mask.

Jeff: And just who in the hell are you?

Jeff looks down at the man expecting him to make his move. How else could this guy know exactly where Jeff’s office was? He had to be an assassin coming for the head of Hurricane Jeff. Then as he raises his arms, and unhooks the latches on the helmet Fender takes it off and confirms what you, the viewer at home, already knew.

Slade Craven- Goddamn that is a hot ass helmet.

Jeff shakes his head, not too surprised. Then something dawns on him. Craven sees this realization on his face and comments on it.

Slade- Yeah, that’s right I’m the guy who has been running around all day looking for your office. Changing costumes…

There is a flash cut to Slade dressed in different outfits looking through the corridors of the Verizon Center for President Jeff’s office. First outfit is Slade as a black ninja. He doesn’t get far before the security guards begin hunting him down. Slade is forced to run and duck and hide while he can scramble out of the attire. The next cut is Slade dressed in camouflage, army camouflage which makes him stick out like a sore thumb. Once again after checking like two rooms a security guard tackles Slade. But Craven manages to slip away and run down the hall and hide while he changes. The third outfit is another kind of camouflage that blends in with the walls and floor of the hallways. Craven is barely visible since he blends in with the background. He stands there for a moment because if he moves then people will obviously see him and two security guards are standing right next to him. Then one just spins around and smacks Slade and grabs him because he was obviously there. Then the final cut of Craven sneaking around the Verizon Center ha shim dressed up like Little Bo Peep. He looks around in the pink bonnet with two inflatable sheep trailing behind him as he walks with the cane. No one touches him, in fact no one talks to him as he walks through the back locker room area trying to find President Jeff’s office. Then everything cuts back to Slade who had be discussing each outfit while we were in flash back.

Slade- Yeah I don’t know why I thought that last one would work, but truth be told I was able to examine most of the locker rooms in that outfit, no one tried to stop me. Eh.

Craven shrugs his shoulders while Jeff looks like he is about to have an aneurism

Jeff: So is that why no one has seen you all bloody day?

Slade- Yeah.

He nods like he was oblivious to the fact that people like Cindy Shannon and Shane West were looking for him to conduct an interview.

Slade- You see Jeff, it appears to “The Main Man“ that you need a little protection and while Slade Craven may not like you or that you piss off his millions of fans, he knows that you are rich. And there is no one more reliable than a man who’s loyalties can be bought with cold hard cash. So you pay Slade Craven a hefty amount of cash and you’ll have your own personal little mercenary. Cause well the A.K.A. do work for the highest bidder, but mark “The Main Man” words carefully this is protection you would be buying not friendship or even a bully. The A.K.A. would just be getting paid more for doing what they already do, kick the crap out of your locker room. Sound good?

Craven flashes that irritable smile the fans love to see him give when he knows he is pissing off an authority figure.

Jeff: And let me guess, your price is the victory in the Test for the Best Tournament? Craven has an appalled look on his face he gets up with his motor cycle helmet in his hand, he grips it by the lifted facemask.

Slade- What? No? Dude you offended “The Main Man” with that assumption. Slade wants money man, didn’t you hear what he said? Ole Slade Craven is like a mercenary. You don’t tempt him with things he can do himself. Test for the Best? Come on, Slade Craven has no problem walking through three of your ‘Best’ boys in one night. What’s the matter with you? Don’t you have any respect for someone who showed up here and has given you nonstop bad ass match after exhilarating and breathing spectacle?

He starts walking to the door. Before he grabs the door handle, Slade stops. He turns his head to the side.

Slade- Though not to be a Buzz Buzzkillington, but now that “The Main Man” knows where you are it’s a safe bet others do too. Well cause, you see, Slade wasn’t too subtle about finding your office.

Another cut scene to Slade in the Little Bo Peep outfit. He is walking down the halls calling out loudly for President Jeff. Craven passes a lot of people who just do not know what to say or do as he walks past them screaming out for someone to tell him where President Jeff is at or at least point him in the general direction. Then it cuts back to Craven.

Slade- So if you want some free advice. Find yourself a new office.

Craven walks out the door as the security guards come in. Slade walks down the hall past Chip who is stammering, but before he can ask a question Slade tosses his helmet at the guy who catches it hard in the stomach. Chip doubles over as he leans against the wall. Craven walks on unzipping the jumpsuit but not taking it off. He heads on down the hall towards his locker room.

Slade- Its less than six hours to show time. People are lining up outside the arena. And soon, very soon they will be let inside to find their seats. This crowd deserves to hear Slade Craven live and see him do his thing in the ring prior to his match. They don’t want to listen to chump-stains like Biggs talk about being the next number one contender for the A.P.W. Championship. Slade Craven was needed in the ring. He better go get ready so that he could address the thousands of people who would be in attendance in just a few hours.

There was a lot to do in order for Craven to get ready for this match tonight. He had to dye his hair, change his gear and even pluck his eyebrows. But one thing at a time, first he had to find his locker room. So Slade did the same thing he did earlier to find the place he was looking for.

Slade- Hey! A.K.A. locker room! Does anyone know where the A.K.A. locker room is?

He heads on down the hall as the camera freezes. Then we see the focus zoom out. What we are watching is something that was already filmed. Everyone has been watching something that was on tape earlier and actually hearing what Slade was thinking while on camera. This is because Slade Craven is standing beside the television watching and voicing commentary along with the playback.. So at any point there was internal dialogue, Craven was telling you what he was thinking. Slade is standing there in a different outfit. He is wearing blue jeans with green neon flames painted on the sides, an black shirt with purple writing in extreme lettering. His hair is blue and green matching his wrestling boots which we cannot see because of his pants. Slade is not in a locker room he is actually in the archway, just beyond the curtain. A roar from the fans is heard as they are watching all this on the titantron. Slade just smiles from beyond his green rimmed sunglasses. The sleeveless shirt shows his zodiac clock tattoo as the lights in the arena go out.

“The Way You Like It!”

A green explosion of pyro rips across the stage as Slade leaps through the curtain. The fans who line this arena are on their feet as the preshow kickoff is about to begin. It wont be long before the show’s fireworks stream across the arena and light up the fan’s eyes. Now though, Slade is here to do just that. Craven’s Remix of “The Way You Like It screams through the sound system as Slade dances to it down the entryway. In his hands are two glow-sticks which he raves with in the semi darkness. Green and blue lasers cross over the smoke that lines the entryway. As Craven reaches the base of the ramp he tosses a glow stick to either side, to a fan in the front row. They are autographed, but we can’t see that. Slade slides under the bottom rope as the lights come back on and he leaps to a turnbuckle. The fans are on their feet as he bangs his head to the music then jumps down and goes to the opposite turnbuckle. Then he reaches out and someone from ringside tosses him a microphone. Slade gets down as the music dies and he stands in the middle of the ring surrounded by the throng of people aching for this pay per view to get underway. Slade tilts his head back and raises the microphone above his head.

Slade- Washington D.C, how ya’ll doing tonight?!

The thousands of screams reverberate off the walls as Slade just lowers his head and smiles. He waits for the jubilant masses to quiet down before speaking again.

Slade- Well that is damn good to hear because ‘Tonight there’s going to be a fight so you better have a place to go. Got three round match, peoples going to catch, what ‘The Main Man’s’ going to show. So come on in, guess whose going to win, the time to whip some ass is here. You want it, you need it? ‘The Main Man’s’ going to give it cause you never have a need to fear.”

Craven starts banging his head in time to the beat.

Slade- “We are, we are the greats. We’re here today, doesn’t matter what they do, we’ll do it anyway. Slade is, Slade is, the man you will believe. That he is here today, and will win you see!”

The fans are back on their feet as Craven sings to the beat of “Saints of Los Angeles.” He doesn’t go on to a second verse though instead he slows down and begins to speak normally.

Slade- That’s right, that’s right. “The Main Man” is taking part in his first actual tournament since the Experts Tournament so long ago. Then before that it was ECFW’s King of Kings. What happened in both of those? Well aside from the fact Slade did not win, which is okay, Craven did do something. He made one hell of a lasting impression. But tonight, fight-night. Round one, Slade Craven versus Joey Orsome. Now lets get things settled right here. Why did Slade Craven choose to air the entire Ass Kickers Anonymous singing and dancing to “Let’s Get Excited?” Because he can! Slade knows the feeling that those ladies were talking about, the brimming anticipation for a thrill. That’s what tonight is all about. And it was Craven’s present to the world, but more importantly it showed Joey Orsome exactly what Slade thinks of him, jack diddly shit. Because Joey Orsome is right about one thing, Slade Craven is facing someone who just showed up. This is not because “The Main Man” is on the bottom rungs of the ladder, no, Slade Craven is facing you because you are a nobody, especially an E.W.C. nobody who is going to learn his place. Joey Orsome, you want to run your mouth about Slade Craven? You want to RUN YOUR MOUTH about the A.K.A? Okay, that’s fine. You come to Test for the Best thinking you are going to destroy Slade Craven, his career, and his tiny ego? Son you better check your records, everyone here knows Slade Craven is an egomaniac and proud of it!

Craven points to the Titantron which flashes a picture of Slade holding up two handfuls of money with a big grin wearing his sunglasses. The fans are cheering as the words beneath Slade’s picture read; ‘Slade Craven… When America Needs an Asskicker.” The picture makes no sense and was probably thrown together with photoshop as a joke to showcase Slade’s ego. But the point is there Slade Craven does love himself.

Slade- Joey Orsome, “The Main Man” warm up match for the evening, you seem to think Shadow is holding Slade under his wing. You think Craven made a fool of himself at Mayhem?

Craven shakes his head.

Slade- You know too little about the A.K.A. and that’s fine, what would Ole Slade Craven expect from a Jobber Orsome? No but Slade knows a lot about you. In fact Slade knows about the night you watched Mayhem and prayed to God about your dramatic return to wrestling. You were sitting in your bedroom that night on your knees, like you were when you got your job and first match on a pay-per-view. You held your hands together like this.

Slade makes a prayer motion and looks to the stars as he holds the mic between his hands. He speaks in a squeaky voice imitating the irritating sound Joey made when he spoke on the microphone.

Slade- “God? My name is Joey Orsome, and I just signed a contract with A.P.W. I’m really worried though because I’m showing up at their next pay per view and I have nothing to show from my career, and everyone seems to think that I *Cravens voice cuts back to normal* absolutely suck!”

Craven paces around the ring as he raises the mic to his lips. He is fueled for his big match tonight.

Slade- You knelt there and as the sky’s parted your roof disappeared and you looked up from your parents basement to the hole in the heavens and as sweat rolled down your face, pissed pooled at your legs and you heard the voice of God speak to you.

Craven looks down and says in a deep voice.

Slade- John?

He looks back up and returns the squeaky voice.

Slade- But my name is Joey.

Back to facing down and a loud booming voice.

Slade- Shut up! Does it look like you’re name really matters? Now listen John you want to know why people think you suck? Its because you have nothing to show for the so called great career you have had. The titles you do not have, the friends who are not with you. The people barely remember your name. But you want to change that? You want to try and become the “best?” Then John, you must go and find the one who is simply… mesmerizing.

He pauses right there as the women in the crowd begin to cheer as Slade raises an eyebrow.

Slade- You will go and find this man and he will prove to you one of two things. Either you still mean something to the people, or, just maybe, you have and will always continue to suck royal Alpaca fur ass!

Craven goes back to his normal voice as he continue to pace around the ring.

Slade- You see Joey, you think God cursed you when he put you in a match with me? He blessed you, not everyone get to have their ass handed to them by “The Main Man” in their big debut/slash/return. Look at Michelle. Slade whipped his ass in a double debut. You think you’re special Joey, that’s what the problem is. You want everyone here to know your name. but the fact of the matter is this. You have not earned the right to be called great. You call yourself ‘Orsome,’ cause you think you’re cleaver. ’Orsome,’ really? No you will have the right to be called beaten though at the end of the match tonight. Joey you can bring you’re A game, sure. Bring some dice and roll a D-20. Lets see what you have that can contend with a man who was whipping ass back when you were learning to take a bump. And speaking of bumps for that matter. Biggs!

Craven pauses as he calls out another tournament entrée’s name.

Slade- Biggs! You seem to think of yourself as a mini Level One. But you seem to have forgotten something crucial. You got your ass handed to you by “The Main Man” in that tag match right before Mayhem. That’s right, you say Slade has no chance unless he has stayed sober. Well people? Survey says!

Craven reaches into his pocket and pulls out a poker chip. Its kind of a slap to all the members of A.A. out there but Slade has written on it ‘two months.’

Slade- That’s right people, Slade Craven has not had a drink since he started going to A.A. And what was said last time Biggs? You kept saying Slade couldn’t face his wasted career without having the sweet fog of alcohol covering over it. It’s that right? Well Slade says this, “The Main Man” loves the boozes yes he does, but he is keeping a promise. He does not need to drink in order to beat the hell out of some rookie. No tonight is not about ’Someone’s time being here,’ no its about proving you belong in this ring. You think you will be propelled to a title shot, any of you? Nunez, Green, Biggs, how about you Orsome? Nothing makes “The Main Man” sicker than a new guy showing up and hogging the main event. The people barely know who he is and Jeff thrusts them down the audience’s throat. Well Orsome Slade Craven is going to have to smash your dreams of your ’day being here.” And as for Biggs, the ‘premiere talent’ of A.P.W.

Craven coughs and holds his hand over his mouth for a second.

Slade- Wow, you’ll have to excuse “The Main Man,” he just threw up in his mouth a little. Biggs you are the walking joke of A.P.W. no one here takes you seriously and Slade Craven is going to have to remind you of that, if and only if you actually are able to climb the ranks of the tournament. Slade will happy teach you who is supposed to put rookies in their place. Veterans are the ones who are supposed to school rookies. Slade has been doing this for ten years, he will shut down that punk ass Orsome, then Slade will drop some other jack ass, or you in the second round and then, finally Slade will take on someone in the final match. Whether it be Royce, Green, Wilson, Nunez, or even you every one in this tournament is going on notice. Slade Craven is here for the people. He want’s to give it to the fans, “The Way They Like It!”

Another brief pause as Slade catches his breath. He is readying himself for another speech, and hoping this one is not as long winded.

Slade- Tonight, after the first match there will be two more matches with Slade Craven in them. The semi finals and then of course, the finals. And while Slade does not know who he will be facing the next rounds. How do you talk trash about the invisible man? Truth is, you don’t. What a person must do is show everyone what happens in the first round will happen in every single one to follow. So these words go out to all the ‘esteemed’ opponents in the Test for the Best. Beware, especially you Orsome, you wanted to play in the big boy league, well here is your chance. While you may consider yourself awesome, Slade Craven is going to teach you some respect. And whether or not Slade faces off against the two favorites, aside from himself, if it were the man of a thousand words who never shuts up and rambles on forever; John Green, or even that arrogant little jackass; Biggs. But no matter who they are, everyone here will remember Slade Craven for a hundred different reasons, and you Joey, just like every other man in this tournament will remember Craven for the ungodly ass kicking he is going to provide. And each and every one of you will all share one thing in common. In front of all these wonderful people, you will each, “Rue The Day You Messed With The Slade!”

Craven leans his head back as he lets out a hissing sound as his finishes his sentence. The fans begin to cheer again as Slade’s music is faintly hear. He lowers the microphone and climbs a turnbuckle, the same one he was one when he got the mic. He raises it back to his lips one more time.

Slade- And with that, let’s have one hell of a show, Washington D.C. this is the, Test for the Best!

The green pyro erupts from the stage again as Slade’s music begins to play. Craven tosses the microphone back to the person at ringside while he raises his arms high. He is kicking of the show and the fans love it. To Slade this is the time to party, because hell, he knows he is going to give the fans the show they deserve, just as he is going to hand his opponents the ass kicking they’ve earned at the same time. It’s going to be a fun night.