Cofounders

And ready for a fight.

Slade Craven is sitting the A.K.A’s “office” The set up is damn near the same as it was at Shockwave. This time it was Slade’s turn to assemble their ‘private’ locker room. He found a small niche near the parking area. As a matter of fact the location is similar to that of the delivery area. There is a large stainless steel garage door in the back of the ‘office’ and warning signs painted onto the floor. Slade has used these markings to line the ‘walls’ of the Ass Kickers Anonymous’ area. For the first time in over six months Assassin will take a seat in their place of business. Slade has set up the door opposite the garage door and a table resides in the middle with three seats. Dita Morgan would not be here tonight, she was still not allowed to leave the country. Shadow was disappointed over the events that transpired at Shockwave, however, he was not a sore loser, nor was he as ‘sore’ as Biggs promised. The same goes for Slade. Shadow would make it to the show, at some point. Slade and Assassin on the other hand, were already here. Where Slade’s longtime comrade in arms was remains to be seen. Slade though, was sitting at the table, wearing brawling gear; His torn blue jeans and a black wife beater that sported the patented Slade Craven cross with a circle through it. On the table sit’s a small television, cheap and black and white. However it does not have rabbit ears. On the small, dusty screen is Michael Lively. Craven is listening on the static spewing television at the man’s incessant and monotonous rant about his highly questionable greatness. Craven’s eyes are wide, not with interest, but with sheer weariness. On the table next to Slade is a bottle of “Fast-Acting Sta-Awake!” Craven has not overdosed, but its apparent he has taken at least two pills. The bottom of the bottle reads “Now with more Ephedrine!” Despite all these things Slade Craven looks like he asleep with his eyes open. There is a noise in the distance as Craven watches Lively attack Cindy Shannon and call her a street walking ‘chicken head.’ In his hand is a ‘loosey,’ lit and half way smoked. For those who don’t know black people very well, these two things respectively mean fallacious woman and single cigarette. But Slade does, seeing how the white boy grew up in South Dallas so he can use the terms. Craven just feels his brain rotting as he is forced to listen to this drab.

Slade- (Internal Monologue): It never ends! Christ, this man loves the sound of his own voice. And it just goes on and on like a screaming child. Why, in gods name did Jeff have to punish me like this? I don’t think I even want to go out there. He’s going to talk through the whole match. Its like I’m listening to Ben Stein read the script for Bloodrayne 2. Okay that’s it I can’t take it anymore!

Craven reaches forward and turns off the sound as Lively begins to ramble on about Assassin. As he watches now Slade’s eyes continue to grow bloodshot. He looks like an insomniac breaking the record for not sleeping. Actually he looks like Ren after he has been screwed over by Stimpy. Craven wishes for someone to put him out of his misery as he realizes what will happen if he gets into the ring with Michael Lively. Craven drifts to sleep for a moment, his eyes still wide as he immediately starts to dream, well its not a dream it’s a beté noir. Craven is sitting in the Ass Kickers Anonymous’ office area, sitting there in what now is a business suit as an image of Michael Lively walks up with a coffee cup and huge glasses on his face.

Bill Lively: Hey Craven, what’s happening.

He sips his mug of sludge. It says something witty, but since Slade is in a dream state and most people are unable to read in their dreams.

Bill Lively: Listen we seem to be having a problem with your performance as of late. You seem to be ‘choking’ a lot when the game is on the line. Did you get the memo?

Craven just feels his eyes dry out and redden.

Bill Lively: Because we here at the “Livelier” A.P.W. are trying not to choke as much and while I seem to be doing it with my mother, you should not follow my example. You need to try and not choke from now on Slade. If you could do that for me, that would be great.

Slade’s mind nearly explodes from the boredom.

Slade- I didn’t… I didn’t

Bill Lively: I’m going to need you to come in tomorrow. So if you could be here about nine, yeah and I will make sure to get you another copy of the memo that way we don’t have this little mix up again.

Slade’s head bangs against the table. This is worse than listening to Surfin’ Bird over and over again. Craven’s realization of the situation is astounding. Slade knows that dreams are a manifestation of reality. What he has come to notice is that Michael Lively is boring not only on our plane of existence but in the dream dimension as well. Craven wishes he could wake up, he keeps muttering, “It’s only a dream… It’s only a dream…” As Lively begins to walk away he turns and stretches. His pink pinstripe shirt makes him look more like a pompous as than he could ever be, despite popular belief. His cuff links are blood red as he extends his arms to both sides and exhales.

Bill Lively- I’m also going to need you to come in on Sunday too. We lost some people after the pay-per-view and kind of have to play catch up. Thanks a bunch there Craven.

Slade begins to bang his head over and over on the desk in his dream until he screams out. He grabs his eyes in pain as Assassin puts his hand on Slade’s shoulder waking him from his nightmare, problem is, Slade’s eyes were dry and he blinked. This hurt like hell. Assassin had no idea that Craven was asleep, he just thought he was zoning out to the interview with Michael Lively, which was finally ending. Craven reaches over and grabs a bottle of water and pours it over his eyes, trying to let it dampen his pained retinas. His longtime friend just stands there stunned at what has just happened as Slade wipes his eyes and blinks several times trying to get them back to normal. He takes a moment before looking over to the disturber, or in this case the real savior, Assassin.

Slade- Oh, dude, thank Jebus. You saved me man.

The Ass Kickers Anonymous co-founder shakes his head and looks at Slade.

Assassin// Yo, man, its cool, I figured you needed some help.

Slade- You’re telling me.

Assassin// That’s why I am here.

Slade- And its good to have someone you can trust.

Assassin// Well Biggs, The Beast and Cyrus were not going to end with just petty victories. They were-

Slade- Whoa, whoa I wasn’t talking about them. I was having the most horrible dream. I had to listen to the mutant offspring of Michael Lively and Bill Lumbergh.

Assassin// You what?

Slade- You heard me man,

He gets up and starts to walk around the A.K.A.’s office, stretching his legs and getting his blood flowing again. Assassin takes a seat in one of the chairs and looks at Slade who runs his hand through his blue and green hair.

Slade- I had this messed up dream where I was stuck in an office, and This guy who looked like Michael Lively but dressed like Lumbergh came up and started rambling on and on about how I choked at Shockwave.

Assassin// I did warn you about Cyrus. He wasn’t to be taken lightly.

Slade- Nor was he. But every war has different battles, and you can’t win them all. Still, that’s why it’s a war, because we will get another chance. Biggs and Cyrus think this is over? No, they can have their moment in the spotlight. We will get our chance again, and soon too.

Assassin// Just be careful man, you go running in there with your hatchet swinging again like you did at Shockwave and you’re liable to get hurt. I can’t be there all the time.

Slade- You thinking of sitting this battle out man?

Craven leans against the stainless steel garage door. He folds both arms across his chest and eyeballs his tag partner. Slade wonders what Assassin is going to say.

Assassin// Listen, I have my beef with Chris Cyrus, sure. I came back because I saw you two needed someone to watch your back that night. As much as I like Dita, she couldn’t be the person watching your back. So when I resigned my contract I had Jeff keep it in the dark. That way while I was sitting there, no one, and I mean no one, would know what to expect when I made myself known. I waited and had you guys not needed me, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten involved. But you did. So I jumped in. This isn’t my war. However, I’m not going to stand by and let one of my best friends get burnt alive by a two bit hack.

“The Main Man” nods, but that was not the answer he was expecting. The two of them did not ask for a tag match like this on Assassin’s returning week. In fact Slade would have loved to get another crack at Cyrus rather than take on Michael Lively and the man everyone in A.P.W. has beaten before, Streets Wilson. But that wasn’t the case. Jeff wanted Lively to go through hell, what better way to do it than throw him in a match with the Ass Kickers Anonymous? Craven had to wonder if he and his partner would really be on the same page tonight. He exhaled slowly.

Slade- Alright then. You don’t want a slice of the action, that’s fine. So tonight lets drop the war with the Axis of Asshats and focus on the newly formed tag team of Lively and Wilson. This is just you, me and the Donkey Show Brothers.

Assassin// Well, I think they worship goats or something like that. I mean sure its still bestiality..

Slade- They prefer Inter-species erotica sicko.

Assassin// Anyway.

Craven nods, and walks towards the table.

Slade- Yes, I digress do we have a deal man?

Assassin rises and looks at Slade, who extends his hands.

Assassin// We don’t need to shake on this bro. Its always been you, me and Shadow, I wouldn’t turn my back on you. Me and you Slade, we got this tonight.

He motions between the two of them. There is a slight pause as they both smile and nod. it’s a nostalgic feeling since they have not tagged together since they beat Biggs and Cyrus.

Assassin// So, bastard child of Lumbergh and Lively? That’s pretty bad. I mean, the guy must have had hooves or something.

Slade- He was so boring. You know, like Joe Biden?

Assassin// Arn’t you democratic

Slade- Whoa, whoa there. Listen man, you know you cannot ask a white person about politics.

His tag partner looks at him like he is insane.

Slade- Anyway, I was trying to stomach my way through the Niagara Falls of Vomit spewing from Lively’s mouth, when I realized I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was even taking these to try and keep me awake.

Craven points to the bottle of “Sta Awake,” and Assassin picks it up and takes a look at it.

Slade- He just went on and on like that little energizer bunny. I actually think he really is suffering from ethnical confusion. You heard him, he kept calling himself Jesús. I don’t know why he thinks he is Mexican, the man is Casper white.

Assassin just shrugs.

Slade- You heard him didn’t you? Everyone knows, you are a man of few words, and I am the long winded one of the group. But did you seriously hear what he had to say? I couldn’t’ It was like listening to the adults in Charlie Brown.

Speaking of ‘from the peanuts gallery’ in walks Shane West.

Shane: Slade! Assassin I’m glad I found your guys. I wanted to talk to you about Shockwave and tonight’s big match!

Craven and Assassin both freeze. Then they quietly turn their heads towards the ever persistent Shane West. “The Main Man” is the first to speak though as the camera angle changes to the cameraman’s perspective.

Slade- Qui vous est? (Who are you?)

Shane: What? What was that Slade?

Slade- Comment êtes-vous entré ici? (How did you get in here?!)

Shane: Are you speaking French? I don’t know French.

He looks at the camera.

Shane: Do you know French?

Craven begins to shot motioning to Shane to leave.

Slade- Obtenir hors! Obtenir hors! (Get out! Get out!)

Shane: Alright! Alright!

He takes the hint and backs out around the door shocked as Slade starts to laugh and so does Assassin. West realizes he’s being played and hangs his head defeated. This is the same thing that happened to him at Shockwave. He quiet walks in front of the camera to the office door. He knocks three times as Craven is heard off screen.

Slade- Entrer.

He is still chuckling as Shane enters the office. Slade looks up at him, he and Assassin are both sitting at the table now.

Slade- You see what happened there Shane? Every time you come in here, you wreck one of our walls. You know how much those things cost to repair?

Shane looks back and the camera moves to look as well showing an invisible wall.

Slade- From now on, when you smash through our walls there Hulk, you will have to pay for them. Now what do you need there killer?

Shane: Slade, I wanted to talk to you two about what happened at Shockwave and tonight’s match with Lively and Streets.

Slade- What’s there to say about Shockwave? Nothing needs to be said. Slade and Shadow both lost their battles, big whoop, the war between Biggs and his butt buddy isn’t over yet. Now as for tonight, what do you want to know.

Shane: Well there is some speculation in the locker room, because last time Assassin wrestled, he wrestled you, and won, there are some who are wondering if the two of you will be able to coexist after all this,

Slade- Coexist? You actually have the nerve to come down here, go all Godzilla on our office and ask Slade Craven if he can coexist with someone he has been friends with since before they began wrestling? What the hell is the matter with you?

Shane just shakes his head as Slade glares at him. Then his face goes back to a calm, normal look. He leans back in his chair and folds his hands behind his head.

Slade- That’s okay, that is okay. You see, we here at the Ass Kickers Anonymous do not hurt the members of the A.P.W. Staff, unlike our esteemed opponents this week. Our shenanigans are harmless and playful, their’s are violent and mean spirited.

Assassin// Evil shenanigans.

Slade- Exactly. Now, as for Michael Lively and his quaint ‘little’ speech about “The Main Man” choking under pressure. Lively seems to be the prime example of choking when a title is on the line, and not being able handle the aftermath. Actually the man is good at choking period from what “The Main Man” witnessed, damn near killing his mother, choking Cindy Shannon, and Street’s meat. He really doesn’t have a right to talk smack about Slade Craven, because when “The Main Man,” lost to Level One, yes that right Craven isn’t too high and mighty to admit when he lost. When Slade Craven lost to Level One, Slade Craven didn’t walk out of A.P.W. because he was ashamed. In fact “The Main Man” is aching to get a rematch with Level One, and he will one day too. Right now though, Slade Craven has to deal with self righteous want to be Mexican and his partner Streets Wilson. Shane, listen here son. Michael Lively wants to ramble on about how facing him will be the greatest achievement Slade Craven has ever done. This man, who quite literally believes he is ‘God’s gift to wrestling,’ actually believes he is the most talented man to ever set foot into the ring.

Craven lifts his left foot and sets it on the A.K.A’s table. The shoe he wears is a normal Nike right now, nothing really great about it. The colors have faded slightly and there is dirt on the sole. Slade extends his right arm, pointing at the shoe with and open palm.

Slade- This is “The Main Man’s” shoe. Slade Craven would rather look at his foot than watch that hack Michael Lively wrestle a match. And while Lively might think that he is cute talking crap about how Slade Craven and his tag partner Assassin are not even worth his time, Slade has to remind him the Rump Rangers that ‘punishing someone’s ass in the ring’ is a great way to get people to stop thinking you two sailors like a some ‘seamen on your poop-deck.’

Craven puts his foot down and takes a deep breath.

Slade- Lively, “The Main Man” has the answer to all your problems. All that pent up anger, frustration and rage. Just say, “I, Michael Lively, am a homosexual.” Come on, say the words with Ole Slade Craven, because he does not judge. You want to talk about swinging meat and whose is the biggest and how you “rip apart the target.” And these crazy fetishes you have for goats and golden showers. Seriously Lively, it is time to let all that hostility go, it’s okay. You can say it, “I, The White Lion, love ‘lying’ with white guys.” Or here, let’s shorten your words, “I, Jesús, am a fag.”

Craven smirks as he says these things, like when he twists the pronunciation of laying to lying. Then Assassin looks at the television and notices now their other opponent is coming on with a promotion of his own.

Assassin// Slade, Slade! Look Streets is on television.

Craven holds up his hand and pauses the interview. He turns and watches the video on the really crappy television Slade found in a rundown Paris pawn shop. Everyone is silent for a moment while Streets Wilson shops. In fact Slade and Assassin are just like the people in the store, enthralled that Streets is there. Well actually the A.K.A. is more confused as to why Streets would converse with Louie Anderson. The voice of the fat man is almost as annoying as Michael Lively’s, but then again, when you team with someone who has the ‘star power’ that the White Ranger has, it’s only the best for you. As the car explodes even Slade and Assassin are shocked. Not because of the bomb, because who wouldn’t want to do such a thing, but by the fact Streets doesn’t seem phased by it.

Assassin// Wow.

Slade- Yeah.

Assassin// I know man. Did you see that?

Slade- Sure did,

Assassin// I didn’t think Louie Anderson was still alive.

Slade- Yeah. You’d think he would have had a heart attack and died awhile ago.

Shane: Can we get back to the interview?

Slade- Are you still here?

Shane hangs his head in shame.

Slade- Oh, you want to know what Slade and Assassin have to say about Streets Wilson now do you? What else is there to say but; Been there, beat that.

Craven turns away from Shane West and turns off the television. He twists the knob until it clicks off.

Slade- Shane, tonight isn’t about Slade’s war with the Axis of Want-To-Bes. This is just an all out fight, because Michael Lively cant find the proper way to release his rage. Jeff also knows Slade Craven can deliver where others can’t. Lively needs to be taught a lesson in humility. Any pretentious self-proclaimed Jesús would know that humility is the first thing god wants you to learn. No matter what Lively thinks, he will be reminded how pride cometh before the fall.

It is at this exact moment the door to the A.K.A’s office opens and in walks Shadow, without the Overdrive title. The camera turns to show him walking in as everything has been shown still from that one camera’s perspective. However, despite losing the title, Shadow doesn’t seem depressed or seriously injured. Shadow enters the office with his sunglasses on, an Ass Kickers Anonymous shirt on and his hair pulled back into a ponytail. He sets his bag on the floor and looks around.

Shadow: Hey, what’s going on guys?

The camera turns and pulls back to show all four men standing around the A.K.A’s business table. Assassin nods towards Shane, silently telling Shadow they are being interviewed.

Slade- Yeah. Shane here wanted to ask “The Main Man” a few questions about the Siberian Tiger Michelle Lively.

Shadow: Michael Lively, wasn’t that the guy who “used” to be the longest reigning Overdrive Champion in A.P.W?

Shadow smiles as the camera looks at him then to Shane West who shakes his head. It pans over to Slade and Assassin, Slade’s are folded across his chest with a smirk on his face. Craven is ready for a brawl. The camera pulls back again showing the three men from the Ass Kickers Anonymous, back in the same office for the first time in a few months. The future of Assassin’s alliance with them is uncertain, but tonight, they are going to live up to their names.