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CHAVS!! Arrgh! I fucking HATE chavs! But then who doesn’t? What the fuck is up with Chavs? Why are they such assholeish cocksuckers? How the fuck did they ever come into existence and who let them spread out from Chatham? Well, before you get too excited, I’m not going to try and answer these questions. Mainly because they are just inanswerable (yes I know that’s not a word) I guess that makes them kinda like Ultimate Questions, like "What’s the meaning of life?" and "Does god really exist?" No. Instead I shall rant about how much I hate them and how fucked up they are.

O.K. If you’re not from the Medway/Maidstone area you may not be familiar wit the term Chav, but you will have them in your area, they’ll just be called something else.. Townies, Rudeboys, Kevs, there are shitloads of names for these fuckups but I’m sure you all know who I’m talking about.

The Look

A chav is very easy to recognise by his/her/it’s "style". If you see one you will instantly be able to recognise it, as they all dress exactly the same. Like its some horrific cloning accident.

Chavs clothing is all sports gear (even though I’m pretty sure they don’t actually play any sports). Usually in very bright, vomit inducing, colours. For some very strange and possibly fucked up reason they wear their socks pulled over the bottoms of their trousers. Yes. I’m not fucking joking. They also think it’s highly cool to wear their caps pointing vertically into the sky. And these caps aren’t like normal caps- the front is bent round so far its practically fucking circular! If they are wearing a shirt or ANYTHING with a collar, which is very likely, you can be certain that the collar will be turned up.

GOLD. They wear gold. And lots of it. For no reason other than they think its cool to. But I’m sure none of them can actually afford it, so it’s most likely just gold plated, or even more likely – stolen.

The male chav’s hair will either be a) completely shaved or b) excessively gelled. A chav’s gelled hair will either have the fringe looking like they’re gonna impale you with it or like their forehead has been imprisoned. Either way you can be sure that it will be rock hard with the 10 tubs of gel they’ve put in it, and probably badly bleached blonde.

The female (that term can be arguable) chav will have fuck loads of hair spray or mousse in her hair. Of course all these hair products are absolutely essential to keep the hair in that oh so volatile hair style… a ponytail!

It’s best not to light up too near to a female chav’s head.

As I’ve already said, No-one can begin to understand why they think looking like this will make them cool.

" I pity dem foos!"

The "Music"

Oh hell no. DON’T get me started on the music. I could write a whole other article on it. In fact… I think I will!

What you might find in a chav’s CD collection… but whats most amazing is that they can afford CDs after buying all that gold and sports crap.

The Attitude Problem / Behavioural patterns

Now I , like a lot of people, have had first hand experience of chav behaviour. It is a well known fact that chavs enjoy beating people shitless. They hunt only in groups, as on their own they are weak and stupid… well in groups they’re just strong and stupid. They wonder around in large groups of their mates looking for lone, weak looking people to start on. No, I don’t know how they get mates either. Once a target is acquired it is customary for the pack leader to do the er.. talking ( I’ll come to that in a moment), while the rest of the group stand around the victim and try to look "hard". Chavs never pick fights if they are on their own… as they know they will probably get the shit kicked out of them… even in groups they will only attack if their target is alone. Probably for the same reason. The "hard" face is, lets face it (geddit) just fucking stupid. They just look funny. In fact I have laughed at chavs when they have done this to me. Ah I remember one time….

I was waiting for the bus after school. There is another school down the road from the bus stop which is populated completely by chavs, and every day after school they walk past on their way home. So one day this one particularly ugly chav and his small group of short arse-mates, who looked about as strong as fucking old women, came up to me, looked at me with his best "hard" face, and said "what did ya jus say bout my mum?"

Now this is clearly one of the most fucking stupid things I ever heard. I never said anything about his or anyones mum. He obviously was looking for someone to beat up. So I just kept telling him that I said nothing and being the dumbass he was he just kept repeating "what did ya jus say bout my mum?" maybe with the odd "Fuck" and "Cunt" thrown in. It seemed I wasn’t going to get through to him so I just started ignoring him, preferring to use my time to talk to my good friend Chris (creator of this here site goddammit). It seemed to work. But no. He came back, still with the same 8 word vocabulary. He was obviously getting very frustrated (he clearly hadn’t planned this attack) so he just hit me in the cheek. Now I can take a punch, but that was just fucking pathetic. It was the kind of hit your mate would give you when your just fucking about. No pain, no marks, no bruise. Then they just walked away. What the fuck?? Damn chavs are wankers.

Other favourite chav pastimes include such things as:

Smoking cheap fags,

Talking total bullshit.

When chavs "speak", they don’t use real English, and they speak with a strong local accent and with as few actual words as possible. They tend to use FUCKING to replace most adjectives, and CUNT instead of "person", "guy", "girl", or "dude". What they talk about… well if they didn’t talk so goddamn loudly it would be impossible to make out what they’re staying. They talk shit. Total shit. They’re always telling their mates about this ho they fucked, or how fucked up on drugs and alcohol they got last night. Arrgh! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

"What da fuck yoo lookin at? Yoo fuckin startin? Fuckin sweaty cunt!"

He’s obviously here with his "crew" or he wouldn’t bother being such an asshole.

Now look here Chavs. This is a brain… B_R_A_I_N. that’s right… something you’ll never have…

Well that’s me done for now. I’m off to go listen to rock music, play my guitar and be a nice bloke.


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