:: 1:03 AM by Citizen Penguin

Terrible news.


This morning when the sky was red as the tundra, we received news from the boys down at the labs about the SSD (Seals Sure Die) Bomb prototype that is currently making its home in the rather reluctant test-subject GBW. It seems that in their haste to create an effective weapon of mass destruction that would wipe out the entire continent, those incompetent quacks forgot to attach to the bomb this small but very important piece of string we firearm-maniacs refer to as a wick. Well, that was the last resort: To get one of our minion penguins we conscripted into the army to enter the GBW anally and activate the bomb by means of the crude matchstick. Our Plan A was to detonate the bomb via remote control, which is in the hands of General-at-the-frontline Penguin.

Even the best laid plans can go wrong. This morning, during the cease-fire, the four of us stood at the helm of our fort with bated condensed breath as we huddled around General-at-the-frontline Penguin (in the event of peacetime, known as Mr. Penguin). As he held the remote control, we exchanged nervous glances around the circle with the occasional look across to the fort the seals had constructed overnight, which now contained our secret weapon, GBW. There was sweet anticipation as General-at-the-frontline Penguin proudly exclaimed that today, we would have Senior Officer Seals begging and groveling, prostrating at our flippers for mercy on their pathetic souls, swearing upon the very honour their badges bestowed upon them. Honour my cute ass. I couldn't take it anymore, the wait was unbearable.

As General-at-the-frontline Penguin rallied us in his speech in anticipation of victory, my mind was on nothing but the suffering we had been fighting against.

The brethren I had lost during the battle.

The many innocent casualties those heartless bastards had senselessly and shamelessly murdered in cold (-24C, to be accurate) blood.

The many bastard children I had fathered with the carefree spraying of my seed, who were either taken in to be brainwashed, or were executed and skinned.

King Penguin swore he saw me overcome with Penguin Bloodlust. I snatched the control from out of the hands of General-at-the-frontline Penguin, and held it up high so he couldn't reach. The weapon was at my disposal now. I didn't care how many badges more he had than I did, authority matter squat at that moment. When Penguinkind is at a loss, in our moment of desperation and weakness, I spied a glimpse of glory. The button spelt victory for our race, and I was willing to die for its cause. In my mind, I could see the silhouette of a mushroom cloud painted against the canvas of a bloody horizon, the clouds raining ivory tusks and dismembered seal parts. And, flubber butt, who died without any ill-bearings on our part, all of which had been forgiven. Everything connected then, I knew I had no choice left.


"DIE, YOU UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS!"








click.






















Nothing happened.


Those bumbling scientists, they forgot to put batteries in the bomb!

:: 5:20 PM by General-at-the-frontline Penguin

Like an incredibly ugly and deformed Trojan horse, we wheel the baby whale towards its impending doom. The military seals with their massively inflated egos will probably think its a sign of surrender. Haha... that couldn't be further from the truth. Finally, after 2 whole hour and roughly 100 metres (HEY!!! ITS NOT EASY MOVING A 4,000 kg WHALE BOMB OVER THE ICE ON A STUPID TROLLEY, ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE ONLY 4 PENGUINS PUSHING THE DAMN THING!!!), we finally made it to the base of those darn pesky military seals. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO INTERFERE WITH PENGUIN AFFAIRS!!! Nevermind, soon that will be just all be in the past. Ah, the military seals have spotted us. Good... Ooh... just look at their smug faces. Here... have your whale... hope you enjoy having him... Yes!!! Success!!! They have taken the whale into their base. Now to retreat to a safe distance and watch the fireworks... Damn that red detonator button looks so tempting... NO!!! Must resist!!!

:: 5:05 PM by General-at-the-frontline Penguin

Damn this bag-of-blubber is heavy!!! Just lifting him like 5 inches off the floor to put him on a trolley almost gave my 3 penguin bretheren and i hemmeroids. I bet all of us are going to have major problems when we next take a dump. But finally we got him on that trolley. Hope it doesnt buckle under his weight. All that pain and strenuous heaving will be worth it. I can just imagine the shock on the faces of those damn military seals when their precious whale goes boom. Muahahaha.. Bye bye elitist government dogs (or seals... whatever)!!! All your years of military training could not prepare you for whats your going to experience soon. Just you wait...

:: 1:13 AM by Yi Qian ~_~

YOU STUPID GAY BABY WHALE!!!!!!!!!!! IT MUST HAVE BEEN YOUR NOSEY PARENTS OR YOUR HOMO SIBILINGS OR YOUR GAY PARTNER OR WHATEVER WHO ALERTED THE NAVY SEALS!

Argh....control my temper I must. My bird brain cant think properly if I am angry.
Hmm, let me think...My fellow birdies are currently in hiding. Thats good, the stupid navy seals will never guess where we are hiding.

An penguin emergency have been declared. All penguins with ding a ling a lings have been called up to active service.
Me too, I am being called up as leading military and sabotage specialist.

We have set out ice trenches and have place penguins armed with sniper rifles and night vision goggles as first line of defence.
If those bastards come within range, they are gay baby whale food. I mean, whales eat seals, yet them stupid seals are still comming for that gay bastard..stupid animals I must say. I am ashamed to share the same hemisphere as them.

Well, at the high council meeting just now, I just briefed the council on my master plan.
I am buliding an SSD BOMB. What is SSD the you ask asks....why....its SEALS SURE DIE BOMB.
I cant divulge the exact designs now.....its top secret but anyway, I dont think your puny brain power can understand the designs anyway. Hmm, I wonder why I ever was friends with you .... I think I was young and stupid.

Ok, more on my bomb. Its the most powerful weapon against seals ever created...
However, it being the most destructive, it is actually very big and difficult to conceal.
Thus , as a last stand agaisnt the seals if too many penguins die.
The council have decided....YOU, THE GAY BABY WHALE SHALL BE SACRIFICED!!!

The SSD bomb, shall be forced down the YOUR mouth. The battery for the bomb shall be inserted thru YOUR blow hole.
And we shall tape up YOUR mouth with liberal amounts of sello tape!!!!
Then, we shall deliver YOU to the seals in a show of surrender!!
Hahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but die they will!!! Die!!!!!!
I personally will push the small red button on the remote!!!

haha, but I will miss the you, so thats why its the last stand. Lets just hope the seals get bored after awhile...
hmm, but its the perfect way to redeem yourself right??

:: 12:15 AM by Citizen Penguin

They're here.

Get the sandbags out.

Start digging the ice trenches.

Shut all the doors to your igloos and go under-ice.

This is a terrible time to be a penguin. The days ahead look dark and bleak, and it's not because of the fact that we only get sunlight here once every 9 months. But I digress.

They landed overnight, from the ice cap that broke off from the mainland, and made their way here on flipper concealed by the dark. In the night they destroyed our natural habitat, not even those imperialist greenpeace bastards could save us, they were busy feeding them instead.

They cut down many of our bravest fighters in their tuxedos where they stood and raped our women as their children stood by. They failed to heed our warnings, and they have suffered. But blood is thicker than water, even in solid form. I will rally what is left of the army and we will overwhelm them with our heart. What we lack in brute strength, we more than compensate in cuddly aggression.

The Seals have arrived.

:: 9:23 PM by General-at-the-frontline Penguin

BURP!!! Now that was a good meal... Aww.. is the poor whalie hungry? Well, thats your problem!!! What?!!! Am i supposed to feed you now?!!! How about your diapers? You want Uncle Penguin to clean your ass for you too?!!! You treat me like a pile of crap all the time and whenever YOU need me, i am supposed to be there by your side and help you out? Fat chance, blubberboy!!! The polar ice caps would melt before i let you go, you gay bastard!!! I always wondered... How do whales breathe? Is it through that weird hole on your heads? I mean who breathes through their head?!!! And i thought being a bird that couldnt fly was weird. Damn whale, you're a freak!!! What happens if i stuff this cork in that hole? Will you die? Will all the air you breathe up get trapped and blow you up from the inside? Ooh... that WOULD be a pretty sight... All the blood and the brains... mixed with all the snow and ice... Kinda reminds me of a strawberry Slurpee... damn... Now I'm craving for a Slurpee... Stupd whale!!! It's all your fault!!! See, you made me think of food again!!! You know i am on a diet!!! You did that on purpose, didnt you?!!! That's the last straw man!!! Die bastard!!! I hope you suffocate and then go BOOM!!! Urgh... MUAHAHA!!! The cork is wedged tightly in you stupid hole-in-the-head... Now to see what happens to you... I think I'll pop down to 7-11 and get a Slurpee and some snacks... What's a nice show without nice food, right? Don't go anywhere, k? Its not like you can anyway... I'll be right back... Be a good gay baby whale while i'm gone and Uncle Penguin promises a painless death...well, maybe a little painful...

:: 5:23 PM by LiNN LiNN

Oh boy! Am I having fun. Watching all the blood ooze out. Raises my adrenaline. It is one of the best times in my life. Plucking out the gay baby whale's teeth. Oooohh.. Look at that. A tooth decay. I'll take care of that. Oh sorry.. Did that hurt? Well, it's meant to hurt! This tooth is for ignoring me, this one's for taking away all my friends and this one's for.. well, being gay! Take that and that and that. Shit! There's no more teeth to pluck! Oh well, guess I'll have to think of other punishments. Thinking of all these punishments makes me hungry. How about a little... SUSHI!!! I love fish.. Especially big blubbery ones. Don't you? I know.. I know.. Whales aren't exactly fish. But who the hell cares?! You all look the same to me with your stupid tails and your flippers and your irritating habit of thinking that you own the whole bloody ocean... Umm.. Yummy... Salmon...

:: 10:17 PM by General-at-the-frontline Penguin

Shut up!!! I just wish that just for a minute that damn whale would stop moaning. After all, at least i am dragging him along behind the snowmobile on ice and not asphalt. He should seriously be grateful for that fact and stop whining so much about it. "Oh, it hurts!!!"..."Ouch!!!"... I never imagined that anything could have made such an irritating noise, let alone a big, strong whale. Yes, finally we're here. Now i'll show "Mr Popular" here what happens to people who ignore me. Gay baby whale, welcome to hell, otherwise known as the penguin's lair!!! It is a place where unspeakable horrors abound and guess what? You're next!!! I have always treated you as a friend but i am always left on the curb when you find someone else to play with. Have i no feelings? If you prick me, do i not bleed? My heat aches when you're mean to me. I feel so hurt. Yeah, yeah... NOW you beg for mercy. NOW you want to be my friend. Well, tough nuts!!! Its too late, buddy!!! You made me suffer now its my turn to make you pay!!! Did you think you were going to get away with it?! Did you?! I'll make you pay!!! Ooh... i am so scary i give myself goosebumps...

:: 10:49 PM by General-at-the-frontline Penguin

Aha!!! There he is. Thought he could hide from me, did he? Wait a minute, who is he with? Damn!!! Its those nature-loving GreenPeace geeks!!! What are they doing to him? Why are they stroking him?! Why does he get the free fish?! No wonder he gave me the fish... it must be his bloody leftovers!!! The damn gay baby whale is milking his injuries for their sympathies!!! Damn he is a smart bastard, isnt he?! Trying to steal my friend from me huh?! I'll show them who's boss!!! I'll end their puny, insignificant live with the might of my turbo-charged snowmobile of Death!!! Die!!! Die!!! Die!!! Die you evil spawn of Satan!!! Muahahaha!!! Yes!!! Run!!! Run away with your tails between your legs!!! Fear my wrath!!! Hell hath no fury like a penguin scorned!!! Ah... i do think the snow looks cooler in red, no? Anyone care, or should i say dare, to disagree with me? I guessed not...

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A PENGUIN SCORNED!!!