“Of Love--may God exalt you!
-the first part is jesting, and the last part is right earnestness. So majestic
are its diverse aspects, they are too subtle to be described; their reality can
only be apprehended by personal experience. Love is neither disapproved by
Religion, nor prohibited by the Law; for every heart is in God's hands.”
Ibn Hazm
Preface
The Faqeeh of Love
Imam Ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee
(384 H. – 456 H.) 994 – 1064 CE.
A Dove from
4 books that the scholars say if
you read them, you will be the perfect Aalim
Al mughni
Al muhalaem or muhalim
Al talheem
Subr wal kuburah
The other face of the Imam
The minister.
2 times confirmed, 1 time disputable
The scholar.
The Faqeeh.
The human being.
What was the name of the rival family of
Ummayid - Banu Hamood
It was a personal letter response to a friend
Written in 417 Hijri/1027 A.D.
Only 2/3rds of book present – because the
scribe summarized it
Fragrance of perfume (Nafathi) – by Imam
Al-Makhari mentioned ring of dove in this book
Ring of Dove – A treatise on the art and
practice of Arab love
Collar around neck
Carries the meaning of love and passion
Ring – symbol of obedience; naturally causes people to submit
The book for the lovers would be like
rain.
Some say that the book is for obedience
When Arabs talk about love, they talk about
pigeons/doves
Ibn Hazm – 34 years old when he written; about
the incidents and events of his lifetime
Book of history – story of
Invastion of
Book of psychology
Demonstration of his life and love
Collection of poetry - Some people says that
he was not a good poet and the language (strong) he uses was more like puzzles
and not poetry
Promotion of chastity and piety
30 chapters and 4 sections
ü He has a philosophy
about love, he believes that souls are scattered in the air and when they meet,
they feel love.
ü The theory of love is
based on similar characteristics. Al
hubbil hudri (the love that is humble and not lustful).
ü The first part is
jesting and the last part is right earnestness.
ü Love is neither
disapproved by Religion nor prohibited by law for every heart is in God’s hands
ü Love is not about
physical attraction but it starts with it.
Love just happens; it is natural.
ü The noble love – passions
of heart with righteousness and piety
ü Nature of love –
conjunction between scattered parts of souls that have met in universe
ü Loves is based on
assimilations and similarity in characteristics
ü Physical attraction
not very important, but it is what leads love
ü Try to find natural
attributes that you both share
ü He takes the literal
meaning of things…..In this book he was looking for noble love not lustful love
ü Love is halal, for
every heart is in Allah’s hands
ü Love is a sickness,
ailment; its remedy depends on the degree of their love
ü Ibn Hazm says that
love is natural, but can Allah test us with this?
o
Yes,
Allah always tests us to see our obedience in him
ü Does Ibn Hazm agree
with “opposites attract”?
o
Yes,
these characteristics are like having similarities in love.
o
Ex.
Hold a snowball in your hand and it will still have the same effect as holding
a burning coal.
ü In conclusion, you
will not find two people in love unless there are some similarities. Humans are born perfect and you are attracted
to the perfection of the person
Questions
In which
Hijree year did Ibn Hazm rahimahullah die?
456 H
What is
the Arabic title of Ibn Hazm’s famous treaties?
Tawkhal Hamama
“Of Love-may God exalt
you! -is in truth a baffling ailment, and its remedy is in strict accord with
the degree to which it is treated; it is a delightful malady, a most desirable
sickness. Whoever is free of it likes not to be immune, and whoever is struck
down by it yearns not to recover. Love represents as glamorous that which a man
formerly disdained, and renders easy for him that which he hitherto found hard;
so that it even transforms established temperaments and inborn
dispositions.” - Ibn Hazm[1]
Chapter One
‘Jesting about Love’
Introductions
"ومن
آياته أن خلق
لكم من أنفسكم
أزواجا لتسكنوا
إليها وجعل
بينكم مودة
ورحمة إن في
ذلك لآيات
لقوم
يتفكرون"
“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates
from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has
put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are signs for those
who reflect.”
Ar-room 30:21.[2]
Intro I:
Islam and Love
قال رسول
الله صلى الله
عليه وسلم في
خديجة – رضي
الله عنها- :
"إني رزقت
حبها."
The Messenger of Allah
salla Allahu alayhi wa sallm speaking about his wife Khadija said: “Verily, I was filled with love for her.”
ü Mawahdah –
love/intimacy
ü Wa rahma - mercy
ü As a noun
Ø Strong and positive
emotion of regard and affection
Ø Passion
Ø Any object of form or
affection
Ø Beloved
Ø Dearest
Ø Sexual love (lust and
desire)
Ø Love making
ü As a verb – Liking for
someone; having great affection
ü A feeling of intense
affection given freely without any restriction
ü Love exists in all
persons either with sensibility (for all people) or passion (strongly excited
or a particular person)
ü Hub - Love
ü Ishq – deeper love and
becomes obsessive and commit haraam deeds.
ü Love is a human
sickness (Psychological)
ü Spiritually: natural
instinct
ü Sacrificial love –
religious love (ex. Allah)
ü Muslim Scholars – Al
Jaahab/ Ibn Qiyah in the book of Al Nisa (book of women) say the difference
between Hub – which they think is natural and Ishq is something intellectual,
going beyond for what they desire.
ü Muhammad Ibn Dawood –
Al Zooah
o
Speak
about the 100 qualities of Bin Udrah on how they exercised love in their life
ü All scholars share the
same theory – about similarities of two people
ü Datul hadif – long
conversations; hugging; kissing
ü Arabs say – the eye is
the white gate into the heart
ü The three pillars
Ø Attributes of the
beloved one
Ø Feelings of love -
intention (you have choice) and inclination
Ø Relationship
similarities between two people
ü 4 steps to develop love
Ø Using your eye (sight
of heart). You should not describe
another woman to a married man
Ø Admiration – to
various characteristics
Ø Obsession – thoughts
of future, logistics
Ø Building hope and
establishing commitment – if you don’t then you are looking for haraam things
ü Natural love/passion
ü Rational/religious
love
ü All forms of love are
parallel unless one does not surpass the other (this become shirk)
ü The broadening gaze
ü Directing the
conversations to a beloved one
ü Resemblance
ü Engage in a playful
tug of war – breaking plates
ü Opposite do attract
ü Sometimes they fight –
it is a sign of love
ü Hurrying to their
locations
ü Happy/cheerful when
close
ü Weeping
ü Dec. sleep and
appetite
ü Love is not in your
hand, it is in Allah’s hand
ü Surah Al-Imran (A 14)
– desire to love from women. Men to women and vice versa
ü Those who don’t love
are the people who are hard as rocks.
ü They are two
types
o
Optional
– leads to love; sudden look
o
Natural
- how you are going to react to this will be asked by Allah
From the Sunnah of Prophet (s)...
Ibn Majjah: A man came to Rasullah and said that
"Yah Rasullah, we are taking care of an orphan girl. A man came and said that two men came and
asked for the hand in marriage for the orphan girl, one rich one poor, but she
loves the poor man. He said that
"we liked the rich man". The
man said "who should I choose?"
Rasullah told him to allow the girl to marry the poor one.
The mate
should not be judged on their status, or wealth
Amr bin
Aas came to the Prophet (s) after he gave Amr the commander of an expedition,
and asked, "O Rasulllah, who is the most beloved to you amongst all
mankind?" Rasullah said,
"Aisha". Amr said,
"Then?" Rasullah said,
"Her father" (Sahih Bukhari)
Fatimah,
daughter of Prophet (s), came to the Prophet (s) and said for him to be just
with the other wives. The Prophet (s)
said that, "I love her (Aisha), so love her too". Fatimah said, "I love her".
Az-Zuhri
said: "the first love recognized in
Islam was the love of the Prophet (s) for Aisha"
Love – do
not have control over it; you will not be accounted unless you pursue in
unlawful way.
- Predating Islamic era
ü Arabs are considered
to be lustful people
ü Antara – He was born from a female slave.
ü Al Abdah - was his cousin from a free women
He was inferior
because of the way he was born. He
became the strongest warrior of his tribe.
He even asked for his cousin’s hand in marriage but her father refused
her hand. Started to write Arab poetry.
- Islamic era
ü The first love in
Islam was recognized by Prophet SWS for Ayesha RTA. He loved Ayesha RTA more than his other
wives.
ü Last thing Prophet had
in his mouth was Ayesha RTA saliva – because she just fixed his miswak for him
ü If love happens
naturally then you are not answerable to Allah.
ü Hub – came from many
narrations
ü Kitalb us-Zohra – by
Mohammed Ibn Dawood
ü Zammul Hawaah – by Ibn
Jowsi (condemning desire & lust)
ü Raudatul Muhibbin – by
Ibn Al Qairi
ü Al Masoon – Ibrahim Al
Husari (preserved, protected)
“Does the
lover think that his love can be concealed?
While his
eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing,
Had it not
been for love, you would not have shed tears at the ruins (of your beloved),
nor would you become restless at the remembrance of the cypress (tree) at the
high mountain, How do you deny love after the testimony, Borne against you by
(such) reliable witnesses as your tears and your illness.”[3]
Intro II:
Falling
in love
قال رسول
الله صلى الله
عليه وسلم
للعباس عمه في
قصة مغيث
وبريرة: "يا
عباس ألا تعجب
من حب مغيث
بريرة , وبغض
بريرة
مغيثا؟"
The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi
wa sallam was telling his
uncle Al Abbas the story of Mugheeth and Bareerah, he said: “O Abbas! Isn’t it amazing how much
Mugheeth loves Bareerah and how much Bareerah hates Mugheeth?”
Excess of love cause loss of shyness
Prophet
(s) and telling the story of Bareerah (slave girl) and Mugheeth (owner) to his
uncle Al-Abbas. Aisha bought the slave
girl and freed her. Mugheeth married
Bareerah, but she left him. Mugheeth
loved her so much and was crying in public for her. Prophet (s) was asked to intercede and he
asked Bareerah if she wanted to take him back.
She didn't want to take him back and Prophet (s) was fine with this, so
Mugheeth spent the rest of his life crying for her. Mugheeth was acting on his own human nature -
Prophet (s) did not prohibit his actions because he saw it was out of
Mugheeth's hands. Prophet (s) felt mercy
for Mugheeth because of his love for Bareerah.
Ibn Hajjar said it is
permissible for this feeling of human nature.
ü Love is the nutrition
for the soul
ü Love is illusive -
because it does not last forever and attachment to physical characters
Ø The average romantic
life is 2 yrs
Ø “In Love” is a
temporary emotion
ü Al Mayaa – inclination
of heart
ü Al Hawwa – desire
ü Al Mawaddah - love
ü As Sabawa - obsession
ü Al Walaa - madness
ü Al Guyam – craziness
ü Antatayyum – the
highest level of admiration/love
ü Think love is action,
practice it on a daily basis
Ø Love is like a tank,
and you need to fill it periodically
Ø Love is also like a
bank account, you need to deposit in early days of marriage, that way you can
withdraw it in your middle age crises.
ü Confession – Say
“Honey I love you”, say it sincerely and don’t lie.
ü Correspondence is good
– try doing it. Sahaba’s used to do it
often. Ex. Gifts, flowers, post cards
ü Mutual obedience and
respect from your spouse
ü Acts of amusements
ü Exploitation of
affection
ü Acts of disrespect
ü Slanderer – creating
Fitnah out of jealousy and ignorance
ü Long and unnecessary
distance
ü Infidelity and
betrayal
ü Television/computer
ü No
ü Women think of love as
empathy and sympathy from their husband, while men think of sex
ü Sexual intercourse can
harm love? A sinful relationship will cause animosity and hatred, but this
relationship (sex) that is halal will increase love between husband and wife
ü The inclination to the
desire is equal for the men and the women.
ü Both have the choice
to guard their chastity.
ü If you expose yourself
to the sinful path, you will be punished especially if you are in an area of
righteousness
Intro III:
A
Story of Real ‘Love’
لما
سأل عمرو بن
العاص رضي الله عنه
رسول الله صلى
الله عليه
وسلم عن أحب
الناس إليه
قال: "عائشة."
قال: من
الرجال؟ قال:
"أبوها."
When Amr
ibn-ul Aas radi allahu anhu asked the Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa
sallam who the most beloved person was for him, He answered: “Aisha.” He then
said: “From men?” He replied: “Her father.”
قال
الزهري: "أول
حب كان في
الإسلام حب النبي
صلى الله عليه
وسلم عائشة
رضي الله عنها،
وكان مسروق
يسميها حبيبة
رسول الله صلى الله
عليه وسلم"
روى
ذلك الإمام
ابن القيم
Imam
Az-zuhri said:
“The
first love story ever known in the history of Islam was the love of Rasulullah salla
Allahu alayhi wa sallam for Aisha, and Masrouq used to call her The love of
Rasulullah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam.”
Ibnul
Qayyim in Raoudatul Muhibbeen.
Ø The first love story
ever know in the history of Islam was the love of Prophet SAS for Ayesha and
Masrooq used to call her The Love of Prophet
Ø The love was not
practiced
2. From the story of Romeo and Juliet
Ø They never got married
and they were not put the test of life – marriage.
3. Infidelity in the western family life
4. Muslims at the door step of the western version
of Marriage, why?
Ø Why love stories don’t
last forever? People take wrong examples
for marriage like celebrities, where marriages don’t last long
Ø The pre-marriage
relationship – they consume their emotions, passions, love and when they start
plan to marry they break and marry some place else
Ø Friend marriage –
usually happens on the campuses – (zina)
Ø Divorce rates are
getting high - either
Ø Lack of knowledge – we
just get married by the tradition, obligation, rights of marriages etc
Ø Feminist and
independence – women are getting more independent and responsible. This would mean that men will loose the
authority of the home
5. The real love story
Ø Rasulallah – Khadeejah
- Rasulallah giving meat to friends of Khadijah, and Aisha got mad and made a
bad comment about her. He got mad and
told her to not say anything bad about Khadijah because she was there for him
in his time of need the most
Ø Rasulallah – Ayesha
Ø Rauslallah – The wives
Who was
the most beloved wife?
Invalid question
because they lived in different times so can't compare.
Khadijah was the best
for her time…
Aisha was the best for
her time…
“The
main concept of the Fiqh of Love is to learn, appreciate and respect as a
spouse; what is your right and what is your obligation”[4]
Chapter
Two
‘The
earnestness of Love’ Marriage and Family life
"يا أيها
الناس اتقوا
ربكم الذي
خلقكم من نفس
واحدة وخلق
منها زوجها
وبث منهما
رجالا كثيرا
ونساءا
واتقوا الله
الذي تساءلون
به والأرحام
إن الله كان
عليكم رقيبا."
“O
Mankind, be conscious of your duty to your Lord, who created you from a single
soul, created of like nature his mate and from the two created and spread many
men and women, and be mindful of your duty to Allah whose name you appeal to
one another and to (the ties of) the womb. Verily, Allah watches over you.”
An-nisaa’ 4:1
The
Status of Family in Islam
ü The family system is
divinely inspired institution. Allah SWT
called Marriage a (Methaakan Galidah) “strong and dangerous covenant” – serious
(not easy contract) regulation of divorce, child custody
ü Social contract: lends to relationship beyond contracting
parties. Children with marriage – no
legal relations (no right of inheritance)
ü Faith and family
Ø Men are also
respectable for children
Ø Marrying non-muslims
is forbidden for Muslim women, but for man its ok
Ø Faithful people should
marry each other.
Ø Faith matters when it
come to inheritance
Ø Forbidden outside
marriage relationships
Ø Free mixing is not
allowed as it leads to haraam things and you might get married with out the
extended family
ü Even if you are
divorced the family remains intact
ü Closest fold - Husband
and wife, their children’s, their parents, and slaves
ü Central fold – close
relative who have special roles and who move freely inside the house and
marriage is forbidden. Hijab is not required
ü Other fold – really
extended family, maternal uncle and aunt, nieces and nephews, step kids
ü Distance fold -
Collateral relatives like cousins
ü Men
Ø The oldest member of
the family is considered the head of the family – they are considered more
wiser, more respected etc
Ø The man’s major
responsibility lies outside the family
ü Women
Ø The major
responsibility is at the house
Ø The eldest female is
the head of the social life
ü Equal right and
responsibility or even rights or responsibility – it is more inclined towards
even rights
ü Family life has to be
established by marriage
ü Marriage in Islam is
the only legal way to express love to your spouse. So if you have an illegitimate affairs it has
to go through with marriage to be legal
ü Islamic law came to
protect the structure to protect sex out of marriage to protect the family
ü It is important for
the Ummah and the community.
ü It is based on Deen
and faith and should be looked at as an ideological society
The
structure of Family law
ü The ruling (Ihkam) of
fiqh the regulates the relationship of a
man and women starts with marriage and ends with the distribution of estates
and inheritance
ü Nobility of the goal and
the end; can never change the law because it is from Allah
ü Human being should
recreate themselves by the rule of Islam
ü The divine inspiration
for family law ( not made by humans)
ü The application is the
act of worship
ü The generalization
and comprehensive are regulated by
relationship of Allah and everyone in the family system
ü Marriage and its
rulings
Ø Contract, dowry,
match, etc
ü Separation forms and
its rulings
Ø Death, divorce, ghulm
(divorce by women), Al lian (spouse accuses of adultery and they only know
themselves)
ü Child rights and its
rulings
ü Inheritance Law and
its rulings
History
of Marriage
ü It was redefined from
all mankind.
ü It is a legal union
between one man and one women
ü As set of cultural
rules for bringing men and women together to bring the family together
ü An ancient practice as
taken a life’s term companion for sexual partner
ü A civil contract
between a man and a women
ü A man and women living
as husband and wife together
ü A legally recognized
and or socially approved arranged between two individuals that carries certain
rights and responsibilities that involves sexual activities
ü Zoug – spouse
ü Scholars say they did not
have intercourse in Jannah, because they did not know about their private parts
ü Marriage was first
established when he created Adam and Hawwa.
The details of this marriage only Allah knows best.
ü The oldest family
known to mankind is the marriage of Adam and Hawwa
ü Marriage in ancient
history
ü Marriage in other
religions
Ø Jews - contract of
marriage is almost similar to the Islamic contract. They should be relatives, legal obligations
etc. Also similar because of Musa (AS)
who brought the shariah.
Ø Christian – when Isa
(AS) did not bring any ruling when he came.
The perfect way was to get married is to have a church wedding. They did not have a concept of family.
§
Marriage
was not clear cut and the Christians were following Jews – after separted from
Jews, didn’t’ have anything, except getting married in a church – have no mahr,
no concept of family; not a religious marriage
ü Marriage in the Arab
culture
Ø Ayesha RTA said that
the way to get married is as similar currently like asking for hand in marriage
from the family
Ø Shigar – I get married
to your sister and your sister gets married to my brother. This is haraam in Islam
Ø Zina in group – with
the women’s approval and after she is pregnant she gets married to the person
who she had sex with. Another concept is
the after having intercourse she would get pregnant, deliver the baby the would
go to the persons with genealogy experience and she would call all the guys who
she had sex with and say that the child would belong to person and then get
married. This practice is haraam in
Islam now.
Ø Group intercourse –
after baby is born; geneology picks father
ü Monogamy – marrying
only one wife
ü Polygamy – the
practice of having more than one spouse at one time.
Ø Polygyny – more than
one wife at one time
Ø Polyandry – more than
one husband at one time
Ø The Christians don’t
have the concept of Polygany, or polygamy, however, some say that they have
this concept.
ü Homosexuality - The attraction
to the same sex.
Ø It was first known in
the times of Luth Alaihisalam about 5000 to 6000 yrs ago.
Ø It was practice in
ancient
Ø This is accepted in
ü Heterosexuality –
attraction to the opposite sex.
Islam and
Marriage
قال صلى
الله عليه
وسلم :
"...وأتزوج
النساء , فمن رغب
عن سنتي فليس
مني"
The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi
wa sallam said: “…and I marry women.
Therefore, one who shows disinterest in my Sunnah is not from (my true
followers).”
ü Marriage is a contract
between a man and a women, which allows both to enjoy the person of one
another, their cooperation and decides the rights of each and their obligations
ü Arabic word for
marriage is - Zawaj
ü In Quran – Nikkah –
meaning physical relationship between man and women (intercourse). Also, it means a contract of marriage which
makes the relationship lawful.
ü Faith
Ø Shadah (have own
identity)
ü Life/Blood (Arridah) –
prohibited killing, physical abuse
ü Intellect (Al
Atal) – prohibited intoxications
ü Progeny (An Nasial
Duriah) – prescribed marriage, prohibited Zina
ü Wealth - prohibited the waste of money, haraam
resources, like Ribah, Give charity, Zakath etc
ü Advantages:
Ø Seek in the pleasure
of SAS
Ø Pleasure – the natural
inning, the inclination of the opposite sex
Ø Procreation - Children
– people like to be fathers and mothers.
The kids are the dormant of this life
Ø Seeking intercession
of the righteous child – when you leave this world to leave a righteous child
Ø Protection from evil –
it helps you protect from gaze and zina
Ø To free sometime from
the responsibility of this life
Ø Mujahadatun Nafs –
Hardship of bringing up a righteous family.
ü Disadvantages:
Ø Inability to maintain
the rights and responsibility of their spouses
Ø Distraction from
worship ex. Going to tarawih/Juma prayers in Ramadan because of children,
unable to go
Ø Being unable to
support family financially – doing haraam things like taking loans etc
ü Fard (obligatory ) –
financially capable and can treat wife properly
ü Waajib
Ø If a man is
financially stable and can treat wife
properly
Ø But, will commit Zinna
if he doesn’t marry
ü Mustahab (recommended)
Ø Similar to waajib
Ø If he has the means
and can treat wife properly
Ø But no fear of
committing Zinna
ü Makrooh
Ø A person has the
financial capability
Ø But knows they will
not be good as father/husband
® Ex. will be away from
home for long periods of time
ü Haraam
Ø A person does not have
financial capability
Ø Knows that they cannot
treat wife properly and will commit Zinna
ü It is an act of
worship
ü Iman-e-shaafi - say
that it is not an act of worship as it is a worldly thing
Questions
What
does the first Aayah of Soorah An-Nisaa’ talk about?
Marriage of Adam and Eve
What
are the five necessities?
Faith
Life
Intellect
Progeny
Wealth
The
definition of legal marriage:
“Marriage is a contract between a man and a
woman, which allows both to enjoy the person of one another. It is their
cooperation and understanding of the rights of each and their obligations.”[5]
Chapter
Three
‘In
the pursuit of virtue’ The Rules of Betrothal
"ولا
جناح عليكم
فيما عرضتم به
من خطبة النساء
أو أكننتم في
أنفسكم..."
“There
is no blame on you if ye make an offer of betrothal or hold it in your hearts.” Al Baqarah 2:235.
Engagement
(Qhutbah) & Proposal
ü Khutbah –
engagement/betrothal
ü Expressing ones desire
to marry a specific women by informing her waali (guardian), whether expressed
directly from suitor or representative
ü The engagement comes
from a man always and a proposal can come from a man or woman
ü This has been approved
by SAS and Quran
ü To get acquainted with
the person you will be engaged
ü Give a clear cut
judgment on the status of both parties
ü Getting idea of
physical appearance and attraction
ü Explicit one – by
using the word khutbah – you should mention the name of the person who you want
to get engaged to
ü Indirect proposal –
it’s the indirect way of proposing like sending chocolates etc. Used for Widows/ divorces
ü Is it considered a
marriage contract?
Ø It is not a marriage contact,
but it is a promise of marriage
Ø Both parties are still
considered non-mahram
Ø Women should still
wear hijab
Ø Can accept rewards
Ø He/she can disapprove
of the proposal at any time
Ø If a proposal is
already accepted you cannot go and propose again
ü Proposing to a married
woman
Ø It is strictly haraam
Ø Since they under the
contract of marriage this is not permissible
ü Proposing to a woman
in her waiting period (Divorce/Widow)
Ø This is also strictly
prohibited
Ø She is still considered
as a married women
ü Proposing to a woman
over another proposal
Ø If you get a proposal
and you say that you will think about it, you (second person) can still
propose. However, if your proposal is
already accepted then you cannot do it
Ø If you accept the
second proposal and then you get married, then it is halal
Conditions of a Prospective Bride
ü You cannot marry a
mahram
ü Already married
ü Is in the waiting
period
Characteristics
of a Prospective Spouse
1)
Desirable
Characteristics in a Bride
عن أبي
هريرة رضي
الله عنه عن
النبي صلى
الله عليه
وسلم قال: "
تنكح
المرأة لأربع
لمالها
ولحسبها
وجمالها ولدينها
فاظفر بذات
الدين تربت
يداك "
"A
woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her
beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be
blessed."
If you
are a religious man then you still should look for everything else also like status,
beauty, and property
What are the qualities in the bride?
2)
Desirable
Characteristics in a Groom
يقول صلى
الله عليه
وسلم : " إذا
خطب إليكم من
ترضون دينه
وخلقه فزوجوه إلا
تفعلوا تكن
فتنة في الأرض
وفساد عريض. "
(ابن
ماجه)
“If somebody comes to you and you are
pleased with his character and religion then marry him. If you do not, there
will be discord on earth and widespread corruption.” Ibn Majah
Ø To be religious
Ø Marry your daughters
to someone who fears Allah because if he loves her he will be generous to her
and if he hates her, he will not commit any justice towards her
3)
Importance of Piety
and Righteousness
a)
In
the bride
b)
In
the groom
Selecting
a Prospective Spouse
ü The prophet set the
example he married both relatives and non-relative Ex. Prophet married Zainab daughter of
Sophia, who was first cousin through his aunt
ü Relative
Ø Strengthening the ties
Ø A better chance of
getting early marriage
Ø It helps relieves the
pressure
Ø Keep the wealth inside
the family
ü It is allowed to for
pre arranged marriage (usually happens among relatives)
ü 2 types
Ø
Consummated
marriage
Ø
Celibate
marriage – young; unable to consummate marry
ü You are allowed to
tell someone to find you your spouse.
You have to give them the specification to find the spouse
ü Because it leads to
being in privacy with a non-mahram person
ü It can lead to
unlawful acts – touching , kissing, coming close to each other
ü It is illusive; still
a new adventure
ü Exhausting their
emotions before getting married
ü Damages reputation of
culture
Yes, it is allowed as
long as it with the Islamic rulings
ü Gold for men is haraam
ü Gold for women is
allowed
ü Engagement ring in
Islam is not allowed (bidah)
The
Procedure of Selecting a Bride
ü Take delegation of
women family members
ü Community women know
each other
ü Interested in the
physical appearance
ü There is no ruling
that prohibits this, but you have to be modest
The Procedure
of Selecting a Groom
ü It is allowed for her
to ask her father to see if the guy that she likes would be interested in
getting married with her
ü According to the
culture it is forbidden
ü Like father asking the
guy if he would be interested in getting married to her daughter
ü It is permissible
ü Ex. Umar bin Khattab and his daughter Hafsa
Ø
Umar
went to Uthman and asked him to marry her, Uthman said no. Umar want to Abu
Baker, Abu Bakr didn’t say anything.
Prophet asked to marry Hafsa, and Umar said yes. Abu Bakr then told Umar that he heard the
Prophet wanted to marry her, so he did not want to respond and say yes.
ü It is permissible
Looking
at the Opposite Sex
ü They have to lower
your gaze, do not look into the eyes
ü If you don’t lower
your gaze, it will lead to haraam things
ü It starts with a look,
turns into a obsession, and leads to sins
ü Ali RTA - Do not
follow a look with another look, if it is a first look and look away its ok,
and the second look would be considered as intentional and this is wrong
ü This applies to both
men and women
ü From his navel to his
knees
ü The Awrah is all her
body
ü Men - from his waist
to his knees
ü Women from her waist
to her knees
ü Some scholars say that
a Muslim cannot go a public restroom/bathroom with a non-Muslim women; this is
because a non-Muslim women might speak about them
ü Some scholars say that
Muslim women can remove Hijab in front of the non-Muslim women, as long as they
are trustworthy
ü Hands to
elbows, legs to knees, and neck
ü Only during the time
that kids cannot recognize the Awrah, then its ok
Ø
It
would be the same as with Muslim women
ü However, if they can
recognize the Awrah then you cannot
ü Men that do not have
desire to women, but if they have any desires then you cannot
ü People with no gender
that have desire
The
Rulings of Hijab
"يا
أيها النبي قل
لأزواجك
وبناتك ونساء
المؤمنين
يدنين عليهن
من جلابيبهن
ذلك أدني أن
يعرفن فلا
يؤذين"
“O Prophet! Tell thy wives and
daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments
over their persons (when abroad): that is most convenient, that they should be
known (as such) and not molested. And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”
Al Ahzaab 33:59.
This is also mentioned in surah Noor Ayah 30
& 31
ü Covering the body in
general
ü Covering women’s body
in front of the non-mahram people
ü The real definition –
a collection of legal rulings and etiquettes which regulates relationship
between men and women who are not related (non-mahram)
ü Religious practice,
its not Islamic
ü Jews and Christians
also practice Hijab, but their way is just different
ü The Omish people also
practice Hijab
ü According to SAS, he
told women don’t go out and behave like non believing women (this differentiate
it between a non believing women and a believing women)
ü Hijab purifies the
soul
ü No reason to go out if
unnecessary
ü It was prescribed to
protect the women to identify them and not harm them
ü Modesty
ü Surah Al-Noor
ü Surah Al-Ahzaab
ü To cover the whole
body
ü It depends on the
culture you are brought up in
ü The clothing should be
loose
ü No specific color.
However, it should not be too bright to attract anybody’s attention
ü The feet is also part
of the Hijab
ü Disputed
ü Training age of 10
ü And mandatory after
they reach the age of puberty
ü To be modest
ü Clothes should not
pass ankles
ü To cover the whole
Awrah
ü No short clothing
ü Cover their heads –
with culture
ü Not to show off
ü Avoid silk and gold
ü Artificial silk is OK
ü Not to be similar to
the dress of women – its custom
ü Having a beard
Looking
at One’s Prospective Bride
ü Mustahab (recommended)
and highly recommended by SAS
ü Majority of the scholars
recommended to see the spouse
ü Physical features of
both and men and women to get attracted.
Initially they were only allowed to see the face and the hands. But when she is visited by women then she can
show her full beauty
ü It should be before
proposing. Sincere and genuine intention
ü Need to know if she is
married or not and then go and have a look at her
ü The real and the
genuine intention to marry her
ü It doesn’t have to be
with her permission as long as they have the right intension
ü Some scholars say that
they should ask her
ü Some say to propose to
her and see her later
ü Majority of scholars
say
Ø
He
is allowed to see her face and hands only
Ø
Female
members of his family/friends can investigate
ü Abu Haneefa
Ø
Can
also see the feet
ü Imam Ahmad
Ø
Can
see what is revealed in her regular day’s activities
ü Imam
Ø
Generally,
to look at her from top to bottom
ü Imam Hazm
Ø
Can
see everything
ü According to the
custom; reasonable amount
ü No specific time
ü Generally the amount
that it will take him to propose to her
Questionable
Ways of Looking
1. Sneak a peak - NO
2. Hidden cameras - NO
3. Looking at a picture – Yes, if intention of
proposal
4. Looking through the internet – (Webcam) very
controversial (you don’t know who is watching), personally not allowed
5. Being in privacy without Maharam - NO
6. Being alone in a public place without Mahram - NO
7. Setting up a casual situation without her
knowledge - YES
The
Betrothals of the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam
ü Most beloved wife
ü SAS wanted to see
Ayesha RTA and Abu Bakr Siddique RTA said to SAS that he will send her to his house
and then he can tell him if he like her or not.
He sent her with dates and SAS replied that he liked the dates and told
her to tell him that the dates were really sweet. This was SAS proposal to Ayesha RTA
ü Hafsa RTA was a widow
and her father Umar RTA took the proposal to Umar Bin Quattab and he said
no. Later he went to Abu Bakr Siddique
RTA with her proposal and he said nothing.
Later SAS proposed to her and later Abu Bakr Siddique RTA said that he
had found out before that SAS was going to propose to her and that’s the reason
why he did not say anything
ü Hind bint Abi Umaiya
married to Abu Salamah who passed away
ü SAS proposed to her
and she told that she was old, had many kids and that she is a very jealous
women. As for age SAS that I am older
than you and I will take care of your kids, and ask Allah to take her jealousy
away.
ü Ramlah Bintu Abu
Sufian RTA was married to Obaidillah Bint Jahsh
ü She went with her husband
and she had a bad dream that her husband converted to Christianity
ü SAS told Annajasi to
propose to Umm Habiba on his behalf. She
was the only wife not present when the marriage contract was completed.
ü
ü She would brag to all
the wives that all of them got married with their waali (relatives) and she was
the only one that Allah ST was her waali
Breaking
Off
The Consequences of Revoking the Engagement Agreement
Sometimes things don’t work out as
planned so there are the ruling on how to break of the relationship.
ü It is a promise to get
married when you said that the engagement will be done after a certain time,
you can later be revoked because it is just a promise
ü Even though it is not
binding, it is highly recommended to keep it
ü If the agreement is
broken then it should be done as soon as possible. Don’t wait longer. Waiting long could get personal
ü Do not need to provide
reason, but be considerate
ü All scholars say
Ø
If
part of the Mahr or dowry – it is an agreement, and it should be given back to
him. If it is consumed that something
equal should be returned to him
Ø
It
doesn’t matter who broke it off
ü What if the gift was
used
Ø
Hanafi
– he receives it back with the original condition. If it is damaged then he looses it.
Ø
Maaliki
– the man doesn’t receive anything if he revokes it. However, if the girl’s side revokes it then
all the gifts should be returned in the original conditions. If it was damaged then it has to be
compensated.
Ø
Shafi
– if available he takes it back, if damaged, give money or something of equal value
Ø
Hanabila
– not allowed to get anything back, because it was given as a gift.
ü Hadith - if you take
the gifts back it is like eating the dog’s vomit
ü Some scholars say that
it should be compensated
ü Some say that it
should be taken as a part of charity for the marriage - wallahuaalam
Chapter
Four
‘In a
Golden Cage’ the Rules of Marriage
قال صلى
الله عليه
وسلم في
خطبة حجة
الوداع:
(واتقوا الله
في النساء! فإنكم
أخذتموهن
بأمانة الله، واستحللتم
فروجهن
بكلمة الله،
ولهن عليكم
رزقهن
وكسوتهن بالمعروف)
رواه
مسلم
In the farewell khutbah the Messenger of Allah
salla Allahu Alayhi wa sallam said:
“Fear Allah concerning women! Verily you have taken them
on the security of Allah, and intercourse with them has been made lawful unto
you by words of Allah.”[6]
The integrals of a marriage agreement أركان
عقد النكاح
Hookum – side of structure that holds the
roof on it
Hanafi – Existence of matter is
dependent on its presence and has to be part of its essence.
What
would be the integrals?
Just
the spoken form
Junabili – Existence of matter is dependent
on its presence and not has to be part of its essence
What
would be the integrals?
The
spoken form, the two contracting parties, and the Wali
First:
The Spoken Form "الصّيغة"
ü The formal spoken
offer by one party (Al Ijaab
الإيجاب(
ü The acceptance by the
other party(Al Kubool)
القبول
ü Accepted words on
which there is agreement
Ø Zawaj
® in Surah al Ahzaab
Ayath 27
® immediate possession
of relationship
Ø Nikah
® Surah Al Nisaa Ayath
22
® To be continuous
through lifetime
ü
Rejected
words on which there is agreement
Ø Any word that does not
imply the immediate possession or life long agreement
Ø Ex. of words
1.
Ibaha
(permissibility)
2.
lending
3.
enjoyment
4.
Wassiyah
(will)
5.
Rahan
(mortgage)
6.
Trust
ü
Words
on which there is disagreement
Ø Al Bayer – Selling
Ø Al Qeeba - Gift
Ø As Saadaqa – Charity
Ø Al Adiyah – Present
ü
Using
writing or sign language as an alternative
Ø Not acceptable if both
parties were present and able to speak
Ø Acceptable if person
cannot speak, if it was clearly understood and expressed with intention of
marriage
Ø Any contract should
have Al Ijaab and Al Khabool
Ø Muatadh – without
interaction with another person, not allowed in marriage
ü The language
Ø There is an opinion
that it has to be in Arabic because the words used (Zawaj and Nikah) has to be
used in marriage contract
Ø If one person does not
understand then you can use language that is understandable
Ø In English the word
used should be in past tense. Ex. I have
already given you my daughter in marriage (Zawajtuka Binti) and the guy would
say I have accepted (Khabilta)
Ø The intention has to
be clear – Ex. If the guy says “I will”, some scholars say that it’s ok and
some say that it’s just a promise
ü Both statements Al
Ijaab and Al Khabool should be done in the same session
Ø It should not be
interrupted outside the marriage contract. It should be done immediately
Ø No specific ruling on
silence interruption – depends on tradition of community/culture
ü The exact
correspondence of the Al Ijaab or Al Khabool should matach
ü The one who gives the
proposal have to be on the offer until you receive the answer. You cannot revoke the proposal. Ex. If you
are interrupted and the person come back to answer the question he has to ask
for it again
ü The spoken form should
imply immediate after the fulfillment of contract. Should not use the word Inshallah unless you
refer to Inshallah for Barakah
ü An optional close
after you make contract Ex. See if it works for 3 days – it is not allowed
Forms of Marriage contracts which violate this
rule
ü The temporary
marriage (Zawatul Mutaa) "زواج
المتعة"
Ø It was acceptable in the
early times. Abdulalh Ibn Abbas felt it was permissible he was complaining that
people twisted his words and he said it was wrong and was allowed only as a
necessity just when we know like allowing eating pork in dying necessities
Ø It is practiced now only
by Shia
Ø This is forbidden
because it does not have implication of life long relationships
Ø Its another form of
Zina
ü Marriage with an
intention of divorce
Ø If he mentions that he
will get married to her only for two months
Ø It is harram for him
for him to have an intention of divorcing her.
Ø But if the marriage
takes place and no one knows except for him, it is still haraam for him, but
marriage is till vaild
ü ‘The borrowed goat’
Ø Marrying someone to
make her halal for an ex husband
Ø You have to have
intercourse for the second marriage to be halal
Ø It is completely
forbidden
Ø The marriage is null
if the person knows the intention
ü Marriage of
convenience
Ø If fulfills all legal
requirements it is acceptable; Unless a time period was stated that he will
divorce
Second:
The Two Contracting Parties
The Bride and The Groom
"العاقدان"
1.
Conditions of the two
parties
ü Specification of the
bride and the groom
Ø You know them by name
– who is marrying whom
ü Legal competence
Ø Person has to know
legal contract
Ø You cannot get a 2 yr
old married because she is not competence enough.
ü What is the age limit
for a legal marriage contract?
Ø There is no age limit
for the man and women. However, they
could be some traditional ways of doing it.
Like pre arranged marriage
Ø If it is pre arranged
marriages the kids had the right to revoke it after puberty
ü Listening to the other
part of the spoken form
ü To be free from any
defects that prevent the fulfillment of the essence of the contract
Ø The guy is sick and
wants to get married before he dies
ü Not to be in a state
of Ihram
ü Mutual consent
Ø Both parties are in
full agreement
1.
Conditions of the
Bride "الزوجة"
ü To be a definite
female
Ø No doubt in her sex
ü Not to be of his
Mahram (Unmarriageable kin)
Surah Al-Nisaa A-23 to
24
The unmarriageable kin (Al Muharamath) "المحرمات"
1. The permanent prohibited relationships
ü By blood relationship
Ø His Ancestors –
mother, grandmother….
Ø His Descendents –
daughters, granddaughters…
Ø Parents
descendants - sisters, nieces,
Ø The first generation
of grand parents offspring’s -
auntsides
ü By affinity (by
marriage)
Ø Wife of his ancestors
Ø The wives of his
descendents – daughter-in-law
Ø Ancestors of the wife
- grandmother
Ø Descendents of the
wife
ü By breast-feeding
Ø All the above; he is
considered as the child
Ø Ar-Radaah – breast
feeding
® should be for the
first two years
® The amount of milk
that he drinks
® The number of times
his drink
® Scholars have
different opinions on this.
a.
Ayesha
RTA said that first it was 10 times. Later she said that it was obligated to
five sufficient times
® There was an exception
to this rule. Abu Hudaifa was very
jealous that Saelem (salve) would move around her house freely. So SAS told her to feed him and she did. He was 13 yrs old.
® The milk that is
caused by one man – if one wife breast feeds one girl and the other wife feeds
another boy. The boy and the girl are
not related. This is still haraam.
2. The temporary prohibited relationships
ü A divorcee from a final
divorce
Ø For the same man who
divorced her. She has to marry someone
else divorce him to get married to her first husband
ü A woman related to
another husband
Ø Legally married but
not consummated
Ø Consummated marriage
Ø A women in her waiting
period after her divorce
ü Disbelieving woman
Ø Except Ahle Kitab
(Jews & Christians)
ü Sister in law and her
Mahrams
Ø Sister of your wife,
her aunts etc
ü A fifth wife
Ø You cannot marry for
the fifth time. Unless he divorces one
of his wives and fulfills his Iddah (same as women 4 m and 10 days)
Ø He has to wait if he
wants to marry his ex-wife’s sister.
Ø He has to wait for the
Iddah for the divorcees, widow until her Iddah is finished.
Marrying from Ahlul Kitaab
‘The people of the book’
v Definition of the
people of the book
Ø Any women who believes
in a revelation - Judaism and
Christianity
v The Fiqh opinion
Ø Majority of Fuqaha
·
It
is allowed to marry people of the book
Ø Opinion of Umar RTA
·
Marrying
Ahlul Kitaab is forbidden
·
In
Qur’an – do not marry polytheists until they are believing
·
Most
scholars are against this thought
Ø If marrying Ahlul
Kitaab – make sure she is a chaste woman (not a prostitute, or repented for
other relationships they have had.
v Consideration of the
Muslim welfare
Ø Should be careful of
the consequences
Ø Woman does not have to
become Muslim
2.
Conditions of the
Groom
"الزوج"
ü To be a definite male
ü To be a Muslim
ü Not a Mahram
Prohibited
marriages
1. A Muslim woman to a non-Muslim man
2. A Muslim man to a non-Kitabi woman
3. A Muslim man to a woman of one Kitabi parent – if there is haraam
and the halal it is leaned towards haraam more.
So that is the reason you cannot marry
4. Marrying to a Murtadd (apostate)
5. Marrying to an adulterer
Forms
of marriages which violate this rule
1. ‘Barter trade’ marriage نكاح
الشغار
ü giving one daughter
for another daughter with no mahr
2. Pre-arranged marriages
ü Valid contract – after
puberty have the right to cancel the contract
Third: The Witnesses "الشاهدان"
ü To show its importance
of marriage
ü To avoid the people
being accused of anything haraam
ü To recognize the halal
and haraam matters
ü For confirmation of
marriage
ü For the four Mazhab it
is Shirth – have to have a witness
ü SAS Aalimul Nikah (announced
marriage). You have to take it out to
the public
ü The Nikah is invalid
unless there is two witnesses
ü The shahadah – Al
Jummor at the time of the contract (the spoken form)
ü Malikis – it is
recommended at the time of the contract, but delaying till the time of marriage
is OK
ü Legal competence
- to be Muslim, to be full of sanity,
above the age of puberty
ü Witness should be two
men
ü They have the ability
to hear the spoken form and reply
Forms of marriages which violate this rule
ü Most scholars say that
it is Makrooh (disliked)
ü Maaliki – They say it
is not allowed
Fourth:
The Bride’s guardian ‘Wali’ "الولي"
ü It is a legal competence
and the ability to own the authority to dispose ones affairs. Father for son and daughter.
ü Wilayah Wannas –
guardianship over one person – father and his father (grand father)
Ø Wilayah Tu Ijbaab
- Those who may compel the female
charges to someone
Ø Those who may not
compel the female charges to someone.
They can represent on her behalf.
ü Guardianship over
one’s property – father, grandfather, and the judge
ü Guardianship which
combines the both -
ü Al Jumhoor – they say
it is rukoon. The marriage contract is
valid without the name of the wali
ü Other scholars say -
The women can speak for herself – she does not need her wali on one condition –
the man has to be the suitable match
Ø Unmarried woman is more
worthy to have control over herself
ü Legal competence
ü To be a Muslim
ü To be a Man/Male –
majority of scholars say this
ü To be trustworthy
ü Maturity – understand
what they are doing
ü Being free from the
state of Ihram
ü The wilaya should
follow the inheritance law system. The
paternal side only applies – unless none are available
1.
Father
2.
Grandfather
3.
Son (age of puberty) from previous marriage
4.
Brother
ü You wait. Try to communicate with him. If he does not turn up then it goes to the
second wali, then to the children, brothers, and then uncles. Some scholars says that uncles comes before
brothers
ü The foster father
cannot be a wali because she cannot inherit the wealth
ü In the absence, an
Imam can be Wali
Rulings of the bride’s consent
ü If she is young then
you do not need her consent
ü Silence is taken as a
yes
ü If she leaves it to
her wali
ü She must say either
yes or no
ü It is very essential
and important
ü
it
is permissible
ü
At
the age of puberty they can revoke it
Rulings of the guardianship
ü Ex. he retires and
does not allow anyone to marry her, so he can be supported
ü Can be her non-Muslim
wali
ü A Muslim can’t be a
wali to a non-Muslim
ü This is not acceptable. She must have a muslim wali
ü Surah Al Nisaa – A –
141
ü
The Ameer would be the wali
Commissioning in marriage contracts
"الوكالة
في عقد
الزواج"
ü Act on behalf of someone
with authority received from him/her.
ü Jumhoor – says no
ü A man is allowed to
commission another man
ü The father can just
authorize her brother to perform on his behalf
ü Hanifi – commissioning
is permissible for a woman
ü Majority of scholars
say women are not allowed
ü Legal competence
ü To be a Muslim
ü To be a Man/Male –
majority of scholars say this
ü To be trustworthy
ü Maturity – understand
what they are doing
ü Being free from the
state of Ihram
ü Limited commissioning
– Ex. Marriage of Ayesha to Mohammed and bring someone as witness
ü Unlimited
commissioning - ex. Father telling her
son to take authority to get his sister married to who ever he thinks is right
for her
Rulings of commissioning
1. Can the commissioner issue the marriage for
himself?
Yes, if the women accepts the proposal.
Others say that you cannot because of the conflict of interest
ü Commissioner can be
same for both parties
2. Can the original commissioner commission another
for the same contract? No, you have to go to
the person and tell them, don’t just pass on the job.
Cannot commission
someone to fulfill your duties as a commissioner
Forms of marriages which violate this rule
ü Not haraam, but
makrooh
ü Often happens usually
at campuses, one act as a wali, the other as Imam, and they just get married.
ü It is not a valid
marriage contract
ü It is close to zina
ü If you live with a
person for six months. This is pure
zina.
Part two:
Essential requirements for the marriage contract
واجبات
عقد النكاح
1.
The Dower "المهر
والصداق"
2.
The Suitable Match "الكفاءة"
First:
The rulings of the dower
ü Two words – Mahr
or Sadaaq
ü Mahr – something in
exchange of marriage – be it required by the judge or agreement between the two
parties.
ü It is not a
pre-requisite or essential component to validate marriage contract, but it is
still a ruling
ü They agree on
canceling them out. Eliminating the Mahr
– it is permissible. If the marriage
consummates you still have to pay the Mahr
ü Valuable and not
haraam
ü Something valuable
(Islamically) – material or moral
ü There is no maximum
amount for Mahr
ü Minimum - diff
opinions
Ø
Hanafi
- 10 dirhams
Ø
Maliki
– 3 dirhams
Ø
Shaafi
– anything that can be called as wealth
Ø
Others
– anything that is called a thing as long as it as halal
ü Non-material Mahr –
Quran, promise for Umrah or Hajj
ü SAS recommended the
smallest amount, as easy as possible – the reason is that the guy will not ever
forgive her
ü This is a form of a
debt (deferred) unless the wife forgives her Mahr
ü Most of the Prophet’s
wives had just almost 500 dirhams
ü Even his daughter he
did not ask for more than 500 dirhams
ü The dower is a debt
that must be paid, so requesting dower is putting a large debt and burden on
someone
ü Different opinions
Ø
At
the actual time of the consummation (intercourse)
Ø
A
true seclusion – complete privacy
Ø
The
physical enjoyment in a manner less than sexual intercourse
Ø
A
Mahr is due if marriage takes place but man dies before consummation of
marriage
ü Mahr is due even if
divorce is pronounced when he is on his death bed
ü Mahrul Mithr - If they
did not agree on a specific amount for the Mahr, then go by the customary dowry
in the social class of the girl’s relatives
ü Can pay part of it
right away and the rest could be deferred
Second:
The rulings of the suitable match (al Kafaa)
ü Equality or similarity
ü Legally (Islamically)
– Equality or similarities in different characteristics
ü This is required for the
stability in the marriage
ü The four Imams – it is
condition (shart) to make the contact binding.
It is valid but suspended until it is accepted
ü The daleel for it –
hadeeth - three things should not be delayed – salath, the janazah prayer, and
the girl that has a suitable match but not married.
ü It’s the women is the
one who demands the suitable match
ü If her guardians
object, then it will not be a suitable match
ü The girl’s family
posses the right to nullify the marriage because it is not suitable for the
girl
ü Groom to the bride
ü Man can marry any
women
ü But women may marry
only suitable match
ü Faith
Ø Deen
Ø Eeman
Ø Good manners
ü Chastity
ü Linage and ethnicity
Ø Tribe and clan are
very important
ü Wealth – rich to poor
ü Profession – If he is
not a doctor then forget it
ü Soundness –
intelligent to less intelligent
ü Age – don’t marry with
too much age difference
ü Freedom
ü Health conditions – is
the husband is disabled, but if she does not have any problem then its OK
Part Three:
The Prerequisites of the
marriage contract
ü The bide is not mahram
to the groom
ü The presence of the
wali at the time of the contract
ü The presence of the
witnesses
ü If the marriage
contract lacks 1/3 it is invalid
ü The contract will be
valid but suspended (until something external effect)
Ø Competence of both parties
Ø To have the authority
to perform the contact.
Ø If the brother finds a
guy for his sister, and both agree, the marriage will be valid but suspended
until her nearest wali (father) completes it
ü It is valid because it
fulfilled the prerequisite of validity and effectiveness; but one thing is
lacking
Ø To be free from any
final clause Ex. I will try for 3 days and then Inshallah then I will agree
Ø To be free from any
deceit or defect Ex. If the girl lies about her age before marriage, then the
guy can cancel the marriage. You just
give all the gifts back. However, if he
does not mind, then the marriage can take place
Adding
stipulations to the marriage contract
قال صلى
الله عليه
وسلم: "إن أحق
الشروط أن
توفوا بها ما
استحللتم به
الفروج" البخاري
ومسلم
The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa
sallam said: “Indeed, the conditions
that are the most worthy of fulfillment are the ones which you stipulate to
make intercourse with women lawful to you.” Bukhari and Muslim[7]
ü Part of the
requirement in general.
ü Mahr does not fall in
this category – it is already stated and has to be paid
ü Any condition that contradicts
some of the integrals of marriage contract.
ü Ex. You sit with the
wali and he has one condition – you will not touch her, he can say yes or no.
This will nullify the marriage
ü Ex. She can put one condition
like I will not leave
ü Majority of the
scholars say that the condition is nullified.
ü Hanabila say these
conditions need to be fulfilled. If you
agree to these conditions then you have to fulfill these conditions
ü Anything that is
stipulated that is haraam or something that leads to haraam
ü To cut the ties and
relationship with his/her family
The different
status of a marriage contracts
ü After fulfilling the
integrals, stipulations of effectiveness and validity
ü After fulfilling the
conditions of above, but lacks the condition of a binding contract
ü After fulfilling
validity and biding, still need approval of both parties
ü Missing one of the
integrals of the marriage contact
First:
The consequences of a marriage contract
First: The consequences of a valid and binding
contract
Second: The consequences of a valid and
non-binding contract
ü All mentioned above
applies
ü Right to call for the
annulment of the contract
ü If you find anything,
like you found him to be disabled, or her disabilities you can disintegrate the
contract
Third: The consequences of a suspended
contract
Fourth: The consequences of an invalid
contract
Second:
The protocol of the Marriage Contract
The
documentation of the marriage contract – the rights of the spouse
1. The Fiqh opinion
ü It is recommended - It
is not waajib
ü Surah Bakaraa – A- 282
(longest ayah).
2. The importance of documentation
ü To preserve the rights
of the two parties
ü 10 consequences of a
valid and binding contract
3. The legal requirements for this documentation
ü ID’s of both the
parties (bride and groom)
ü Request to bring the
marriage certificate from the city
4. The wording of this document
5. Islamic centers and marriage documentation
6. Charging money for documentation
ü It has to be done in a
standard format
The ceremonies of a
marriage contract
ü An authority in the
area (Imams)
ü One of the contacting
parties should be from the area
ü If both of them are
out of towners then avoid
ü Recommendation –
Islamic centers
ü Have them sit together
ü The bride does not
have to be there, her wali should be there
ü Be specific – Ijaab
and Quboor
ü Go to the bride and
confirm her with the ID provided, ask her about the Mahr, ask her if she needs
to include any conditions, then go to the groom and ask if he needs to include
any conditions. If they both agree then
go and get the signatures and the Iman later signs the marriage contact
Example of the declaration of marriage
contract:
Declaration of bridegroom:
“I ………………., a Muslim, born on ……………. residing
in …………………….., phone # ( ) SS# / DL # ………………………accept
Miss ………………… as my wife according to the precepts of the Qur’an and the Sunnah
of Prophet Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam. I declare to abide by the
laws of Islam as a Muslim husband in the presence of the gathering and the
witnesses and Allah is the best witness of all.
I also promise to give ………………………………as Dower to
my wife.
Declaration of bride (or wali)
I ……………………… of …………….faith, born on
…….................. residing in …... phone # ( ) SS# / DL # …………………….. accept
Mr. ………………. as my husband according to the precepts of the Qur’an and the
Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam. I declare to abide by
the laws of Islam as a (Muslim) wife in the presence of the gathering and the
witnesses and Allah is the best witness of all.
I also accept conditions and Dower specified.
Third: The marriages of The Messenger of Allah Salla Allahu
Alayhi Wa sallam
Ummahtul Mu’mineen
ü 14 in general -
scholars agree that he had 11 wives and 2 wives died in his life time. There is a dispute he had 3 more wives.
Ø
Maria
Qibtityah - was a concubine or wife
(disputed)
Ø
Asma
bintu Noman – he found a defect in her so he sent her home
Ø
Amrah
bintu Yazi - he just let her go because she said “I seek refuge in Allah from
you”.
ü Khadija bintu
Khuwailid radiya Allahu anha –
Ø
Died during his lifetime
Ø
Had all of his children except Ibrahim
Ø
Daughters – Zainab, Ume Kulsum, Roqeyah (Died
during his lifetime) and Fatima
Ø
Sons – Abdullah and Kasim – died during his
lifetime
ü Souda bintu Zam’aa radiya
Allahu anha
ü Aisha bintu Abi Bakr radiya
Allahu anha - he contracted with her father in Makkah and they consummated
the marriage in Madina at age 9 or 10.
She was the only Maiden women that he married.
ü Hafsa bintu Omar radiya
Allahu anha
ü Zainab bintu Khuzaima radiya
Allahu anha – Ummul Maasakeen–
Ø
Died in his life time
ü Umm Salam bintu Abi
Umayyah radiya Allahu anha
Ø
She was the one who complained that she was old, had
jealousy, and she had children..
ü Zainab bintu Jahsh radiya
Allahu anha
Ø
Who was the wife of his adopted son and his cousin
ü Juwairiyyah bintu
Al-Harith radiya Allahu anha
Ø
She was captured and she became the women of high
rank. She was recommended from him. She came to SAS to tell him to free her from
the tribe, and he paid the ransom and married her.
ü Umm Habibah bintu Abi
Sufyan radiya Allahu anha
Ø
In Makkah period, the consummation of marriage was
in 7th Hijri. Abi Sufiyan was
a Kaafir, and he was very happy when SAS was married his daughter.
ü Safiyyah bintu Huyay radiya
Allahu anha
Ø
She was a Jew.
She was the daughter of the Jewish community. He proposed to her and she accepted.
ü Maymoona bintu
Al-Harith radiya Allahu anha
Ø
She was the sister-in-law of the Ibn-Abbas.
ü Those from Quraish
Ø
Khadija
bintu Khuwailid
Ø
Aisha
bintu Abi Bakr
Ø
Hafsa
bintu Omar
Ø
Umm
Habibah bintu Abi Sufyan
Ø
Umm
Salam bintu Abi Umayyah
Ø
Souda
bintu Zam’aa
Plural
Marriage
تعدد
الزوجات
ü The default in
marriage is monogamy
ü Is there any
preference – some scholars say it is recommended to marry more than one wife. If you can do justice to all your wives then
you can marry more than once. Some say that is recommended to marry only one.
ü General reasons
Ø Solving the social
problems of women in numbering men
Ø The need for this Ummah
to increase the population
Ø Establishing more and
stronger affinities
ü Specific reasons
Ø If the wife cannot
carry any babies
Ø Sometimes the
disability to fulfill the husband’s rights
Ø Hatred between husband
and wife
Ø Stronger sexual drive
of men when compared to women
ü Allah’s command – he
knows best
ü Some scholars say – to
achieve extreme satisfaction (sexually)
ü If he can do justice
to all his wives then he can marry up to four.
Ø All marriages are
equal and binding
Ø Wife one is not the
chief of the gang
Ø Wife 4 should not have
preferential treatment except for the first week if she is a maiden
Ø Do justice
Ø Prophet SAS said if
you prefer one wife, then will come to day of judgment leaning towards one side
Ø His time and wealth
should be just; heart does not have to be
The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi
wa sallam and plural marriage
ü Until the revelation,
he was only married only Khatijah RTA
ü After the revelation
(age 50), he then married his later wives
ü Educational reasons
ü Legislative reasons –
like marrying Zainab to stop adoption rulings
ü Social reasons - marrying Sauda and Salama
ü Political reasons
Ø
Marriage
of Habiba
Ø
Marriage
of Juwayriyah
Chapter
Five
‘Uniting in goodness’ Wedding and
Intimacy
First
Announcing the Marriage
عن محمد
بن حاطب
الجمحي قال:
قال رسول الله
صلى الله عليه
وسلم :"فصل ما
بين الحرام
والحلال
الصوت وضرب
الدف" رواه
الترمذي
The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa
sallam said: “Distinguishing between the
forbidden and the permissible (with regard to marrying a woman) is the voice (of
singing) and the beat of the duff.” At-tirmidhi.
The wedding party الزفاف
ü
Mustahab – highly recommended to announce
wedding
ü
Imam As Zuhir – says it is Wajib
ü Take it out to the
public
ü Everything is
permissible unless it is not mentioned in the Shariah
ü Using fireworks – it
is OK
ü Religious customs that
copy other religions – like tossing the bouquet before she leaves
ü It should display good
manners between people
ü Songs that say haraam
things are prohibited
ü Instruments other than
duff is haraam
ü Belly dancing is
prohibited
ü As long as it is
folkloric
ü Extravagance in
wedding parties
Ø It is haraam
Ø If they can afford it
then they can have it
ü Free mixing
Ø It is haraam
Ø If the women are in
full hijaab, and the men lower their gaze then it is ok
ü Wedding rings
Ø The same ruling
applies like the engagement ring
ü Presenting the bride
and groom
ü The groom in the women
section
ü Recording the wedding
party
Ø As long as they do
full hijaab it is OK
ü The wedding procession
ü Gowns and Tuxedos
Ø There is no limit to
the customs, unless it goes against the shariah
The
congratulations upon marriage[8]
"بارك
الله لك وبارك
عليك وجمع
بينكما في خير"
“Allah’s
blessings for you and blessing upon you. May you be joined together in
goodness.”
The wedding
dinner ‘Waleemah’ الوليمة
ü Title of the meal
served for marriage
ü Majority of the
scholars says it is recommended
ü Imam Zahir – Wajib
ü
It is the next day – recommended
ü
Does
not have to be specific
ü
Just
bring people to celebrate with you
ü
YES,
you can invite people
ü
it
becomes waajib to respond – positive or negative – it is recommended for a
positive response
ü
It
is haraam, unless you are sure that the food leftover is not wasted
Second
Marriage and Intimacy
“At the
heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by
another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.”[9]
In Islam
marriage is the way to fulfill this relationship
Islam
and Sexuality
ü Conservative – middle
(Wassath) of two extremes
Ø
Excessiveness
– al Wuloo
Ø
Liberalism
- Tafriq
ü Surah Bakhara –
Metaphor expression – the wives are like fertile land and you can do whatever
you wish with them. Practice sex in any
position that they want (most explicit statement in Qur’an
ü Other religions may
thing that intercourse is not for pleasure – something you have to do
ü Liberalism – complete
opposite
ü It is natural instinct
– part of fithra
ü In Islam sex is not a
sin nor it is an punishment
ü It is a pleasure of
this life
Ø Physical – share it
with animals
Ø Illusive – when
someone is position/status (like becoming a Ameer, etc)
Ø Spiritual – pleasure
of being honest, decent etc
ü When they talk about
the Nikah etc they talk about this
ü Man has a stronger
desire for sex
ü Women go through
pregnancies
ü It has its own
benefits
Ø It gives tranquility
and peacefulness to the mind
Ø Lust and desire
Ø It is also an act of
worship
Ø It bring the lovers
together
Ø SAS said, “Nothing is
better than Nikah for the people who are in Love”
ü Regular shower
ü Circumcision
ü Shaving the
pubic/underarm for both men and women
ü When men think about
sex and intimacy, they discharge so according to SAS you just wash the private
parts and make wuduh
ü Sperm - It is pure
Etiquette
of the wedding night
ü To be prepared – the environment
like preparing the apartment (not the bed).
Like flowers, chocolates, cookies, etc.
ü Try to prepare a
special gift to be give that night
ü Oh Allah I ask you for
the good and goodness and refuge from her evil
ü It is recommended that
the husband lead the prayer to set the foundation
ü SAS recommended it
ü In the legal place
ü Give an equal time for
equal satisfaction – do not be hasty.
Make sure that your spouse is equally satisfied
ü Don’t dispose it to
any one
ü Does not have to take
place the first night
Intimacy
in the bedroom
ü Anything in the
bedroom is acceptable unless there is something that prohibits it
ü Treat them kindly
ü During menstruation
Ø
Do
everything lawful, except intercourse
ü Majority of scholars
say oral sex is OK
ü Different positions
except for anal sex
ü Mutual masturbation
permitted
ü Does not have to be in
the bedroom, just need to be modest
ü Taking shower with
your wife
ü If pregnant – it is
still permissible (make sure it does not cause any harm to her)
ü Fulfilling fantasies,
Lighting candles etc – it is allowed as long you are not doing anything haraam
ü Intercourse with women
during menstruation
ü Taping or recording
ü Watching porn
ü Adult toys -
disputable
ü Individual masturbation
- disputable
Contraception
methods and birth control
ü Al-Azaal – withdrawal
method
ü Any form of family
planning is allowed
ü To use it as a birth
control is haraam
ü If the soul is blown into
the baby, after 4 months, then it is haraam unless harm to mother
ü It is a crime in
Islamic law
Chapter six
‘On a footing of kindness’ marital
rights
"ولهن
مثل الذي
عليهن
بالمعروف
وللرجال عليهن
درجة"
“And
women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what
is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them.” Al Baqarah 2:228.
First
The Story of women’s
rights
The Women’s rights case
ü All of the rights and
obligations that women in the West fight for, were there hundreds of years ago
Gender equity in Islam
ü Invalid question
ü It depends on the area
one is discussing
ü Men and women were
created different for a unique and different role
ü Men will not be able
to do a job that is designed for woman and vice versa
ü Physiological
differences
Ø Men don’t like to talk
about their problems
Ø Women like to talk to
discuss it with their husband
Ø Men don’t know how to
express their crises – like happiness or sadness. While women are better in using their words
ü Emotional differences
ü Neurological
differences
Hadith Abi Said Al
Khudri radiya Allahu anhu
حديث
أبي سعيد: "ما
رأيت من
ناقصات عقل
ودين أذهب للب
الرجل الحازم
منكن. قلن وما
نقصان ديننا
وعقلنا يا
رسول الله؟
قال: أليس
شهادة المرأة
مثل نصف شهادة
الرجل؟ قلن:
بلى. قال فذلك
نقصان عقلها.
أليس إذا حاضت
لم تصل ولم
تصم؟ قلن: بلى,
قال: فذلك من
نقصان دينها." البخاري
ومسلم
In the translation of the abridged Sahih Bukhari:
“I
have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religion
than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray (I say: loose his
firmness) by some of you. The women asked: O Messenger of Allah! What is deficient
in our intelligence and religion? He said: Is not the witness of
two women equal to the witness of one man? They replied in the affirmative. He
said: this is the deficiency in your intelligence. Isn’t it true that a woman
can neither pray nor fast during her menses? The women replied in the
affirmative. He said: this is the deficiency in your religion.”
Re-phrasing the translation:
“I have not seen
anyone (over controlled- over influenced) more diminished
(decreased) in perception and religion than you. A cautious sensible
man could loose his firmness and determination by some of you. The women
asked: O Messenger of Allah! What is diminished (decreased) in
our perception and religion? He said: Is not the witness of two women equal
to the witness of one man? They replied in the affirmative. He said: this is
the diminution (decrease) in perception. Isn’t it true
that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses? The women replied in
the affirmative. He said: this is the diminution in your religion.”
Rights and obligations between man and woman
ü It is to have even
rights but with different ratios
ü In some religions,
women don’t have the right to be religious
ü They are equal in
pursuing the Deen and Aaqirah
ü The right of humanity
– Yes they are equal
ü Education – Yes they
are equal
ü Financial – Yes they
are equal
ü Al Qiwamah
(Guardianship) – not just as a right, but as an obligation for a man
ü Al-Miraah – they are
financial responsible, that is the reason why men do get more part in the
inheritance
Second
The rights of spouses
ü Having the right to
enjoy one another – intimate relationship
ü Treating each other in
good manners
ü Establishing the right
of inheritance - if he dies she get part
of the estate
ü Obedience
Ø If he ordered you to
do something haraam you shouldn’t do it
ü Remaining in the
house, and leaving with permission
Ø If he gives you a
general permission, then YES
ü Responding to his call
when he calls her to bed
Ø Need to be
understanding and obey her
ü Protecting his house
in his absence – his property etc.
ü Serving the husband –
according to the customary condition
ü Protecting his honor,
children and wealth – not to allow anybody (male members) without his permission
ü Being thankful to him
– usually women do not thank their husbands and this is the reason why SAS said
that woman will be in hell because of this
ü Chastisement
ü Treating her in kind
and good manner
ü Teaching her the
matters of the religion and worship
ü Maintaining her
chastity – protecting her
ü Financially
maintaining her – perfectly
ü Establishing the
forbiddance of marriage to relatives
ü The right of
hospitality
ü The nature established
relationship
Chapter
seven
‘The languages of love’ Maintaining Love
and marital life
From the life of the
Messenger of Allah Salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam
“We must
be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be
effective communicators of love.”[10]
All his wives loved him very much. Ex. Jealousy and usual fights between husband
and wife
Love after the wedding
ü Statistics in west say
yes – 48% end up with divorce after marriage.
Chances of second marriage ending up in divorce are 62%. Chances of third marriage is up to 75%
ü Need to know the
spouse primary language - appreciation,
verbal, physical etc
ü Emotion plays a vital
role in this matter
ü Love is a statement –
it is an action. Show it through the actions, show support, express things,
write letters emails etc.
The many different languages of love
Understanding the differences
ü Men are more into
hardware stuff like gadgets, tools, computers etc
ü Women are more into
social relationships like meeting people and talking
ü Fulfill each other
value and grow in this manner
ü Men don’t like to be
criticized
ü Women like to grow and
make everyone grow around them
ü Men like to withdraw –
that’s their nature – don’t chase him he will come back to you later
ü Women like to go
outside and speak – just listen to her – sometimes she just wants you to listen
to her and not give her solutions.
Sometimes she might as for solutions as well
ü Men need to see that
she need her help – he feels comfortable with this. Women should submit to this.
ü Women usually give
because they care and they don’t give unless they feel confident (emotionally)
ü Men work like rubber
bands and they will eventually come back
ü Women are like waves
A Final Advice
How to win the heart of your wife?
How to win the heart of your husband?
