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Of Love--may God exalt you! -the first part is jesting, and the last part is right earnestness. So majestic are its diverse aspects, they are too subtle to be described; their reality can only be apprehended by personal experience. Love is neither disapproved by Religion, nor prohibited by the Law; for every heart is in God's hands.

Ibn Hazm

 

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Preface

The Faqeeh of Love

Imam Ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee

(384 H. 456 H.) 994 1064 CE.

A Dove from Andalusia

 

4 books that the scholars say if you read them, you will be the perfect Aalim

Al mughni

Al muhalaem or muhalim

Al talheem

Subr wal kuburah

 

The other face of the Imam

  1. The life of the Imam
  2. The many different characters of Ibn Hazm:

The minister.

2 times confirmed, 1 time disputable

The scholar.

The Faqeeh.

The human being.

  1. The Passions of the Imam.
  2. Women in the life of Ibn Hazm.
  3. The incomplete love story in the life of Ibn Hazm
  4. A critique of Ibn Hazms: The Ring of the Dove or طوق الحمامة i

What was the name of the rival family of Ummayid - Banu Hamood

It was a personal letter response to a friend

Written in 417 Hijri/1027 A.D.

Only 2/3rds of book present because the scribe summarized it

Fragrance of perfume (Nafathi) by Imam Al-Makhari mentioned ring of dove in this book

Ring of Dove A treatise on the art and practice of Arab love

Collar around neck

Carries the meaning of love and passion

Ring symbol of obedience;  naturally causes people to submit

The book for the lovers would be like rain. 

Some say that the book is for obedience

When Arabs talk about love, they talk about pigeons/doves

Ibn Hazm 34 years old when he written; about the incidents and events of his lifetime

Book of history story of Spain

Invastion of Cordoba by Barbers

Book of psychology

Demonstration of his life and love

Collection of poetry - Some people says that he was not a good poet and the language (strong) he uses was more like puzzles and not poetry

Promotion of chastity and piety

30 chapters and 4 sections

                                                  

  1. The views of Ibn Hazm on Love.

      He has a philosophy about love, he believes that souls are scattered in the air and when they meet, they feel love. 

      The theory of love is based on similar characteristics.  Al hubbil hudri (the love that is humble and not lustful). 

      The first part is jesting and the last part is right earnestness. 

      Love is neither disapproved by Religion nor prohibited by law for every heart is in Gods hands

      Love is not about physical attraction but it starts with it.  Love just happens; it is natural. 

      The noble love passions of heart with righteousness and piety

      Nature of love conjunction between scattered parts of souls that have met in universe

      Loves is based on assimilations and similarity in characteristics

      Physical attraction not very important, but it is what leads love

      Try to find natural attributes that you both share

      He takes the literal meaning of things..In this book he was looking for noble love not lustful love

      Love is halal, for every heart is in Allahs hands

      Love is a sickness, ailment; its remedy depends on the degree of their love

      Ibn Hazm says that love is natural, but can Allah test us with this?

o       Yes, Allah always tests us to see our obedience in him

      Does Ibn Hazm agree with opposites attract?

o       Yes, these characteristics are like having similarities in love.

o       Ex. Hold a snowball in your hand and it will still have the same effect as holding a burning coal.

      In conclusion, you will not find two people in love unless there are some similarities.  Humans are born perfect and you are attracted to the perfection of the person

 

 

Questions

In which Hijree year did Ibn Hazm rahimahullah die?

456 H

 

What is the Arabic title of Ibn Hazms famous treaties?

Tawkhal Hamama

 

Of Love-may God exalt you! -is in truth a baffling ailment, and its remedy is in strict accord with the degree to which it is treated; it is a delightful malady, a most desirable sickness. Whoever is free of it likes not to be immune, and whoever is struck down by it yearns not to recover. Love represents as glamorous that which a man formerly disdained, and renders easy for him that which he hitherto found hard; so that it even transforms established temperaments and inborn dispositions.  - Ibn Hazm[1]


Chapter One

Jesting about Love Introductions

 

"ومن آياته أن خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجا لتسكنوا إليها وجعل بينكم مودة ورحمة إن في ذلك لآيات لقوم يتفكرون"

 

And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.

Ar-room 30:21.[2]

 

Intro I:

Islam and Love

 

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم في خديجة رضي الله عنها- : "إني رزقت حبها."

 

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallm speaking about his wife Khadija said: Verily, I was filled with love for her.

 

      Mawahdah love/intimacy

      Wa rahma - mercy

 

  1. Love: The definition

      As a noun

      Strong and positive emotion of regard and affection

      Passion

      Any object of form or affection

      Beloved

      Dearest

      Sexual love (lust and desire)

      Love making

      As a verb Liking for someone; having great affection

      A feeling of intense affection given freely without any restriction

      Love exists in all persons either with sensibility (for all people) or passion (strongly excited or a particular person)

 

  1. The Nature of Love

      Hub - Love

      Ishq deeper love and becomes obsessive and commit haraam deeds.

      Love is a human sickness (Psychological)

      Spiritually: natural instinct

      Sacrificial love religious love (ex. Allah)

      Muslim Scholars Al Jaahab/ Ibn Qiyah in the book of Al Nisa (book of women) say the difference between Hub which they think is natural and Ishq is something intellectual, going beyond for what they desire.

      Muhammad Ibn Dawood Al Zooah

o       Speak about the 100 qualities of Bin Udrah on how they exercised love in their life

      All scholars share the same theory about similarities of two people

      Datul hadif long conversations; hugging; kissing

      Arabs say the eye is the white gate into the heart

      The three pillars

      Attributes of the beloved one

      Feelings of love - intention (you have choice) and inclination

      Relationship similarities between two people

      4 steps to develop love

      Using your eye (sight of heart).  You should not describe another woman to a married man

      Admiration to various characteristics

      Obsession thoughts of future, logistics

      Building hope and establishing commitment if you dont then you are looking for haraam things

 

  1. The categories of love

      Natural love/passion

      Rational/religious love

      All forms of love are parallel unless one does not surpass the other (this become shirk)

 

  1. The signs of love

      The broadening gaze

      Directing the conversations to a beloved one

      Resemblance

      Engage in a playful tug of war breaking plates

      Opposite do attract

      Sometimes they fight it is a sign of love

      Hurrying to their locations

      Happy/cheerful when close

      Weeping

      Dec. sleep and appetite

 

  1. The ruling of love in Islam

      Love is not in your hand, it is in Allahs hand

      Surah Al-Imran (A 14) desire to love from women. Men to women and vice versa

      Those who dont love are the people who are hard as rocks. 

      They are two types 

o       Optional leads to love; sudden look

o       Natural - how you are going to react to this will be asked by Allah

 

From the Sunnah of Prophet (s)...

Ibn Majjah: A man came to Rasullah and said that "Yah Rasullah, we are taking care of an orphan girl.  A man came and said that two men came and asked for the hand in marriage for the orphan girl, one rich one poor, but she loves the poor man.  He said that "we liked the rich man".  The man said "who should I choose?"  Rasullah told him to allow the girl to marry the poor one.

The mate should not be judged on their status, or wealth

 

Amr bin Aas came to the Prophet (s) after he gave Amr the commander of an expedition, and asked, "O Rasulllah, who is the most beloved to you amongst all mankind?"  Rasullah said, "Aisha".  Amr said, "Then?"  Rasullah said, "Her father"  (Sahih Bukhari)

 

Fatimah, daughter of Prophet (s), came to the Prophet (s) and said for him to be just with the other wives.  The Prophet (s) said that, "I love her (Aisha), so love her too".  Fatimah said, "I love her".

Az-Zuhri said:  "the first love recognized in Islam was the love of the Prophet (s) for Aisha"

 

  1. Stories of love

Love do not have control over it; you will not be accounted unless you pursue in unlawful way.

 - Predating Islamic era

      Arabs are considered to be lustful people

      Antara  He was born from a female slave. 

      Al Abdah  - was his cousin from a free women

 

He was inferior because of the way he was born.  He became the strongest warrior of his tribe.  He even asked for his cousins hand in marriage but her father refused her hand.  Started to write Arab poetry.

 

- Islamic era

      The first love in Islam was recognized by Prophet SWS for Ayesha RTA.  He loved Ayesha RTA more than his other wives.

      Last thing Prophet had in his mouth was Ayesha RTA saliva because she just fixed his miswak for him

      If love happens naturally then you are not answerable to Allah. 

      Hub came from many narrations

 

  1. Scholarly works on love

      Kitalb us-Zohra by Mohammed Ibn Dawood

      Zammul Hawaah by Ibn Jowsi (condemning desire & lust)

      Raudatul Muhibbin by Ibn Al Qairi

      Al Masoon Ibrahim Al Husari (preserved, protected)

 

  1. Al Bousseeri said in his poetry:

Does the lover think that his love can be concealed?

While his eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing,

Had it not been for love, you would not have shed tears at the ruins (of your beloved), nor would you become restless at the remembrance of the cypress (tree) at the high mountain, How do you deny love after the testimony, Borne against you by (such) reliable witnesses as your tears and your illness.[3]


 

Intro II:

Falling in love

 

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم للعباس عمه في قصة مغيث وبريرة: "يا عباس ألا تعجب من حب مغيث بريرة , وبغض بريرة مغيثا؟"

 

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam was telling his uncle Al Abbas the story of Mugheeth and Bareerah, he said: O Abbas! Isnt it amazing how much Mugheeth loves Bareerah and how much Bareerah hates Mugheeth?

 

Excess of love cause loss of shyness

 

Prophet (s) and telling the story of Bareerah (slave girl) and Mugheeth (owner) to his uncle Al-Abbas.  Aisha bought the slave girl and freed her.  Mugheeth married Bareerah, but she left him.  Mugheeth loved her so much and was crying in public for her.  Prophet (s) was asked to intercede and he asked Bareerah if she wanted to take him back.  She didn't want to take him back and Prophet (s) was fine with this, so Mugheeth spent the rest of his life crying for her.  Mugheeth was acting on his own human nature - Prophet (s) did not prohibit his actions because he saw it was out of Mugheeth's hands.  Prophet (s) felt mercy for Mugheeth because of his love for Bareerah.

 

Ibn Hajjar said it is permissible for this feeling of human nature.

 

  1. The mystery of  the in-love case

      Love is the nutrition for the soul

      Love is illusive - because it does not last forever and attachment to physical characters

      The average romantic life is 2 yrs

      In Love is a temporary emotion

 

  1. The gradual levels of love

      Al Mayaa inclination of heart

      Al Hawwa desire

      Al Mawaddah - love

      As Sabawa - obsession

      Al Walaa - madness

      Al Guyam craziness

      Antatayyum the highest level of admiration/love

 

  1. The means of nurturing love.  How to keep love alive

      Think love is action, practice it on a daily basis

      Love is like a tank, and you need to fill it periodically

      Love is also like a bank account, you need to deposit in early days of marriage, that way you can withdraw it in your middle age crises.

      Confession Say Honey I love you, say it sincerely and dont lie.

      Correspondence is good try doing it.  Sahabas used to do it often.  Ex. Gifts, flowers, post cards

      Mutual obedience and respect from your spouse

      Acts of amusements

 

  1. What harms love?

      Exploitation of affection

      Acts of disrespect

      Slanderer creating Fitnah out of jealousy and ignorance

      Long and unnecessary distance

      Infidelity and betrayal

      Television/computer

 

  1. Sex, passions and love: are they synonymous?

      No

      Women think of love as empathy and sympathy from their husband, while men think of sex

      Sexual intercourse can harm love? A sinful relationship will cause animosity and hatred, but this relationship (sex) that is halal will increase love between husband and wife

 

  1. Decency or indecency?

      The inclination to the desire is equal for the men and the women. 

      Both have the choice to guard their chastity. 

      If you expose yourself to the sinful path, you will be punished especially if you are in an area of righteousness

 

  1. What then is: Real Love?

Intro III:

A Story of Real Love

 

لما سأل عمرو بن العاص رضي الله عنه رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم عن أحب الناس إليه قال: "عائشة." قال: من الرجال؟ قال: "أبوها."

 

When Amr ibn-ul Aas radi allahu anhu asked the Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam who the most beloved person was for him, He answered: Aisha. He then said: From men? He replied: Her father.

 

قال الزهري: "أول حب كان في الإسلام حب النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم عائشة رضي الله عنها، وكان مسروق يسميها حبيبة رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم"

 روى ذلك الإمام ابن القيم

 

Imam Az-zuhri said:

The first love story ever known in the history of Islam was the love of Rasulullah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam for Aisha, and Masrouq used to call her The love of Rasulullah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam.

 

Ibnul Qayyim in Raoudatul Muhibbeen.

 

  1. The most rehearsed love story in history

      The first love story ever know in the history of Islam was the love of Prophet SAS for Ayesha and Masrooq used to call her The Love of Prophet

      The love was not practiced

2.      From the story of Romeo and Juliet

      They never got married and they were not put the test of life marriage.

3.      Infidelity in the western family life

4.      Muslims at the door step of the western version of Marriage, why?

      Why love stories dont last forever?  People take wrong examples for marriage like celebrities, where marriages dont last long

      The pre-marriage relationship they consume their emotions, passions, love and when they start plan to marry they break and marry some place else

      Friend marriage usually happens on the campuses (zina)

      Divorce rates are getting high -  either Denmark or Sweden, US, and Turkey

      Lack of knowledge we just get married by the tradition, obligation, rights of marriages etc

      Feminist and independence women are getting more independent and responsible.  This would mean that men will loose the authority of the home

5.      The real love story

      Rasulallah Khadeejah - Rasulallah giving meat to friends of Khadijah, and Aisha got mad and made a bad comment about her.  He got mad and told her to not say anything bad about Khadijah because she was there for him in his time of need the most

      Rasulallah Ayesha

      Rauslallah The wives

 

Who was the most beloved wife?

Invalid question because they lived in different times so can't compare.

Khadijah was the best for her time

Aisha was the best for her time

 

The main concept of the Fiqh of Love is to learn, appreciate and respect as a spouse; what is your right and what is your obligation[4]


 

Chapter Two

The earnestness of Love Marriage and Family life

 

"يا أيها الناس اتقوا ربكم الذي خلقكم من نفس واحدة وخلق منها زوجها وبث منهما رجالا كثيرا ونساءا واتقوا الله الذي تساءلون به والأرحام إن الله كان عليكم رقيبا."

 

O Mankind, be conscious of your duty to your Lord, who created you from a single soul, created of like nature his mate and from the two created and spread many men and women, and be mindful of your duty to Allah whose name you appeal to one another and to (the ties of) the womb. Verily, Allah watches over you.

An-nisaa 4:1

 

The Status of Family in Islam

  1. Family life: basic principles

     The family system is divinely inspired institution.  Allah SWT called Marriage a (Methaakan Galidah) strong and dangerous covenant serious (not easy contract) regulation of divorce, child custody

     Social contract:  lends to relationship beyond contracting parties.  Children with marriage no legal relations (no right of inheritance)

     Faith and family 

      Men are also respectable for children

      Marrying non-muslims is forbidden for Muslim women, but for man its ok

      Faithful people should marry each other. 

      Faith matters when it come to inheritance

      Forbidden outside marriage relationships

      Free mixing is not allowed as it leads to haraam things and you might get married with out the extended family

 

  1. Structures and rules

      Even if you are divorced the family remains intact

      Closest fold - Husband and wife, their childrens, their parents, and slaves

      Central fold close relative who have special roles and who move freely inside the house and marriage is forbidden. Hijab is not required

      Other fold really extended family, maternal uncle and aunt, nieces and nephews, step kids

      Distance fold - Collateral relatives like cousins

      Men

      The oldest member of the family is considered the head of the family they are considered more wiser, more respected etc

      The mans major responsibility lies outside the family

      Women

      The major responsibility is at the house

      The eldest female is the head of the social life

      Equal right and responsibility or even rights or responsibility it is more inclined towards even rights

 

  1. Love, Marriage and Family life

      Family life has to be established by marriage

      Marriage in Islam is the only legal way to express love to your spouse.  So if you have an illegitimate affairs it has to go through with marriage to be legal

 

  1. The Family and society

      Islamic law came to protect the structure to protect sex out of marriage to protect the family

      It is important for the Ummah and the community. 

      It is based on Deen and faith and should be looked at as an ideological society

 

The structure of Family law

  1. Family law: The definition

      The ruling (Ihkam) of fiqh the regulates  the relationship of a man and women starts with marriage and ends with the distribution of estates and inheritance

 

  1. The characteristics of Islamic law

      Nobility of the goal and the end; can never change the law because it is from Allah

     Human being should recreate themselves by the rule of Islam

     The divine inspiration for family law ( not made by humans)

     The application is the act of worship

      The generalization and  comprehensive are regulated by relationship of Allah and everyone in the family system

 

  1. The areas covered by Islamic family law

      Marriage and its rulings

      Contract, dowry, match, etc

      Separation forms and its rulings

      Death, divorce, ghulm (divorce by women), Al lian (spouse accuses of adultery and they only know themselves)

      Child rights and its rulings

      Inheritance Law and its rulings

 

History of Marriage

  1. Marriage: The definition

      It was redefined from all mankind. 

      It is a legal union between one man and one women

      As set of cultural rules for bringing men and women together to bring the family together

      An ancient practice as taken a lifes term companion for sexual partner

      A civil contract between a man and a women

      A man and women living as husband and wife together

      A legally recognized and or socially approved arranged between two individuals that carries certain rights and responsibilities that involves sexual activities

 

  1. The first marriage Adam and Eve       

      Zoug spouse

      Scholars say they did not have intercourse in Jannah, because they did not know about their private parts

      Marriage was first established when he created Adam and Hawwa.  The details of this marriage only Allah knows best. 

      The oldest family known to mankind is the marriage of Adam and Hawwa

 

  1. Marriage before Islam

     Marriage in ancient history

     Marriage in other religions

      Jews - contract of marriage is almost similar to the Islamic contract.  They should be relatives, legal obligations etc.  Also similar because of Musa (AS) who brought the shariah.

      Christian when Isa (AS) did not bring any ruling when he came.  The perfect way was to get married is to have a church wedding.  They did not have a concept of family.

         Marriage was not clear cut and the Christians were following Jews after separted from Jews, didnt have anything, except getting married in a church have no mahr, no concept of family; not a religious marriage

     Marriage in the Arab culture

      Ayesha RTA said that the way to get married is as similar currently like asking for hand in marriage from the family

      Shigar I get married to your sister and your sister gets married to my brother.  This is haraam in Islam

      Zina in group with the womens approval and after she is pregnant she gets married to the person who she had sex with.  Another concept is the after having intercourse she would get pregnant, deliver the baby the would go to the persons with genealogy experience and she would call all the guys who she had sex with and say that the child would belong to person and then get married.  This practice is haraam in Islam now.

      Group intercourse after baby is born; geneology picks father

 

  1. Polygamy or Monogamy?

      Monogamy marrying only one wife

      Polygamy the practice of having more than one spouse at one time. 

      Polygyny more than one wife at one time

      Polyandry more than one husband at one time

      The Christians dont have the concept of Polygany, or polygamy, however, some say that they have this concept.

 

  1. Heterosexuality or Homosexuality?

      Homosexuality - The attraction to the same sex.

      It was first known in the times of Luth Alaihisalam about 5000 to 6000 yrs ago.

      It was practice in ancient China, native Americans, ancient European times, Africa etc

      This is accepted in Holland, Netherlands, and Canada.

      Heterosexuality attraction to the opposite sex.

 

Islam and Marriage

 

قال صلى الله عليه وسلم : "...وأتزوج النساء , فمن رغب عن سنتي فليس مني"

 

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said: and I marry women. Therefore, one who shows disinterest in my Sunnah is not from (my true followers).

 

  1. The legal definition of Marriage

      Marriage is a contract between a man and a women, which allows both to enjoy the person of one another, their cooperation and decides the rights of each and their obligations

      Arabic word for marriage is  - Zawaj

      In Quran Nikkah meaning physical relationship between man and women (intercourse).  Also, it means a contract of marriage which makes the relationship lawful.

 

  1. Preserving the Five Necessitates (Ad Daurat Al Khams)

      Faith

      Shadah (have own identity)

      Life/Blood (Arridah) prohibited killing, physical abuse

      Intellect (Al Atal)  prohibited intoxications

      Progeny (An Nasial Duriah) prescribed marriage, prohibited Zina

      Wealth -  prohibited the waste of money, haraam resources, like Ribah, Give charity, Zakath etc

 

  1. The purpose of marriage

      Advantages:

      Seek in the pleasure of SAS

      Pleasure the natural inning, the inclination of the opposite sex

      Procreation - Children people like to be fathers and mothers.  The kids are the dormant of this life

      Seeking intercession of the righteous child when you leave this world to leave a righteous child

      Protection from evil it helps you protect from gaze and zina

      To free sometime from the responsibility of this life

      Mujahadatun Nafs Hardship of bringing up a righteous family. 

      Disadvantages:

      Inability to maintain the rights and responsibility of their spouses

      Distraction from worship ex. Going to tarawih/Juma prayers in Ramadan because of children, unable to go

      Being unable to support family financially doing haraam things like taking loans etc

 

  1. The ruling of marriage

      Fard (obligatory ) financially capable and can treat wife properly

      Waajib

      If a man is financially stable  and can treat wife properly

      But, will commit Zinna if he doesnt marry

      Mustahab (recommended)

      Similar to waajib

      If he has the means and can treat wife properly

      But no fear of committing Zinna 

      Makrooh

      A person has the financial capability

      But knows they will not be good as father/husband

    Ex. will be away from home for long periods of time

      Haraam

      A person does not have financial capability

      Knows that they cannot treat wife properly and will commit Zinna

 

  1. Marriage as an act of worship

      It is an act of worship

      Iman-e-shaafi - say that it is not an act of worship as it is a worldly thing

 

  1. The different categories of marriage

 

 

Questions

What does the first Aayah of Soorah An-Nisaa talk about?

Marriage of Adam and Eve

 

What are the five necessities?

Faith

Life

Intellect

Progeny

Wealth

 

The definition of legal marriage:

Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman, which allows both to enjoy the person of one another. It is their cooperation and understanding of the rights of each and their obligations.[5]


 

Chapter Three

In the pursuit of virtue The Rules of Betrothal

 

"ولا جناح عليكم فيما عرضتم به من خطبة النساء أو أكننتم في أنفسكم..."

 

There is no blame on you if ye make an offer of betrothal or hold it in your hearts. Al Baqarah 2:235.

 

Engagement (Qhutbah) & Proposal

  1. Definition of the legal engagement

      Khutbah engagement/betrothal

      Expressing ones desire to marry a specific women by informing her waali (guardian), whether expressed directly from suitor or representative

      The engagement comes from a man always and a proposal can come from a man or woman

 

  1. Legal status of the engagement

      This has been approved by SAS and Quran

 

  1. The wisdom behind the engagement

      To get acquainted with the person you will be engaged

      Give a clear cut judgment on the status of both parties

      Getting idea of physical appearance and attraction

 

  1. The categories of the engagement

      Explicit one by using the word khutbah you should mention the name of the person who you want to get engaged to

      Indirect proposal its the indirect way of proposing like sending chocolates etc.  Used for Widows/ divorces

 

  1. The effect of the engagement

      Is it considered a marriage contract?

      It is not a marriage contact, but it is a promise of marriage

      Both parties are still considered non-mahram

      Women should still wear hijab

      Can accept rewards

      He/she can disapprove of the proposal at any time

      If a proposal is already accepted you cannot go and propose again

 

  1. Unlawful engagement proposals

      Proposing to a married woman

      It is strictly haraam

      Since they under the contract of marriage this is not permissible

      Proposing to a woman in her waiting period (Divorce/Widow)

      This is also strictly prohibited

      She is still considered as a married women

      Proposing to a woman over another proposal

      If you get a proposal and you say that you will think about it, you (second person) can still propose.  However, if your proposal is already accepted then you cannot do it

      If you accept the second proposal and then you get married, then it is halal


Conditions of a Prospective Bride

  1. To be free from any legal prohibitive

      You cannot marry a mahram

 

  1. To be free from any other engagement

      Already married 

      Is in the waiting period

 

Characteristics of a Prospective Spouse

1)    Desirable Characteristics in a Bride

عن ‏ ‏أبي هريرة ‏ ‏رضي الله عنه ‏ ‏عن النبي ‏ ‏صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ ‏قال: ‏‏" تنكح المرأة لأربع لمالها ولحسبها وجمالها ولدينها فاظفر بذات الدين ‏ ‏تربت يداك ‏ "

 

"A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed."

 

If you are a religious man then you still should look for everything else also like status, beauty, and property

 

What are the qualities in the bride?

  1. To be of good manners and religious
  2. Fertile and affection
  3. First time marriage to be maiden
  4. To be content or pleased not with the pleasure of this life
  5. To be of a good linage
  6. Beauty something relative; what is inferior to you might be superior for someone else
  7. Age recommended for her to be younger than him
  8. Easy dowry (Mahr)

 

2)    Desirable Characteristics in a Groom

 

يقول صلى الله عليه وسلم : " إذا خطب إليكم من ترضون دينه وخلقه فزوجوه إلا تفعلوا تكن فتنة في الأرض وفساد عريض. "

 (ابن ماجه)

 

If somebody comes to you and you are pleased with his character and religion then marry him. If you do not, there will be discord on earth and widespread corruption.  Ibn Majah

 

      To be religious

      Marry your daughters to someone who fears Allah because if he loves her he will be generous to her and if he hates her, he will not commit any justice towards her

 

3)    Importance of Piety and Righteousness

a)      In the bride

b)     In the groom

 

 

Selecting a Prospective Spouse

  1. Preference of a relative or a non-relative?

      The prophet set the example he married both relatives and non-relative  Ex. Prophet married Zainab daughter of Sophia, who was first cousin through his aunt

      Relative

      Strengthening the ties

      A better chance of getting early marriage

      It helps relieves the pressure

      Keep the wealth inside the family

 

  1. Set up family marriages, is it allowable?

      It is allowed to for pre arranged marriage (usually happens among relatives)

      2 types

                        Consummated marriage

                        Celibate marriage young; unable to consummate marry

 

  1. Engagement by commissioning

      You are allowed to tell someone to find you your spouse.  You have to give them the specification to find the spouse

 

  1. Why is dating Haram?

      Because it leads to being in privacy with a non-mahram person

      It can lead to unlawful acts touching , kissing, coming close to each other

      It is illusive; still a new adventure

      Exhausting their emotions before getting married

      Damages reputation of culture

 

  1. Matrimonial services, what is the ruling?

Yes, it is allowed as long as it with the Islamic rulings

 

  1. The engagement ring

      Gold for men is haraam

      Gold for women is allowed

      Engagement ring in Islam is not allowed (bidah)

 

 

The Procedure of Selecting a Bride

  1. The role of female family members

      Take delegation of women family members

      Community women know each other

      Interested in the physical appearance

 

  1. Direct proposal to a female, is it allowable?

      There is no ruling that prohibits this, but you have to be modest

 

 

The Procedure of Selecting a Groom

  1. The right of the woman to select her prospective husband

      It is allowed for her to ask her father to see if the guy that she likes would be interested in getting married with her

      According to the culture it is forbidden

 

  1. Offering ones female family member to a righteous person

      Like father asking the guy if he would be interested in getting married to her daughter

      It is permissible

      Ex. Umar bin Khattab and his daughter Hafsa

                        Umar went to Uthman and asked him to marry her, Uthman said no.  Umar want to Abu Baker, Abu Bakr didnt say anything.  Prophet asked to marry Hafsa, and Umar said yes.  Abu Bakr then told Umar that he heard the Prophet wanted to marry her, so he did not want to respond and say yes.

 

  1. Direct proposal to a man, is it allowable?

      It is permissible

 

Looking at the Opposite Sex

  1. The ruling of lowering ones gaze

      They have to lower your gaze, do not look into the eyes

      If you dont lower your gaze, it will lead to haraam things

      It starts with a look, turns into a obsession, and leads to sins

      Ali RTA - Do not follow a look with another look, if it is a first look and look away its ok, and the second look would be considered as intentional and this is wrong

      This applies to both men and women

 

  1. The Awrah  of a non Mahram man

      From his navel to his knees

 

  1. The Awrah  of a non Mahram woman

      The Awrah is all her body

 

  1. Awrah of members of same sex

      Men - from his waist to his knees

      Women from her waist to her knees

 

  1. Awrah of a Muslim woman in front of a non-Muslim woman

      Some scholars say that a Muslim cannot go a public restroom/bathroom with a non-Muslim women; this is because a non-Muslim women might speak about them

      Some scholars say that Muslim women can remove Hijab in front of the non-Muslim women, as long as they are trustworthy

 

  1. Awrah of a male and female Mahram

      Hands to elbows, legs to knees, and neck

 

  1. Awrah in front of children

      Only during the time that kids cannot recognize the Awrah, then its ok

                        It would be the same as with Muslim women

      However, if they can recognize the Awrah then you cannot

 

  1. Exemptions?

      Men that do not have desire to women, but if they have any desires then you cannot

      People with no gender that have desire

 

 

The Rulings of Hijab

 

"يا أيها النبي قل لأزواجك وبناتك ونساء المؤمنين يدنين عليهن من جلابيبهن ذلك أدني أن يعرفن فلا يؤذين"

 

O Prophet! Tell thy wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when abroad): that is most convenient, that they should be known (as such) and not molested. And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

Al Ahzaab 33:59.

 

This is also mentioned in surah Noor Ayah 30 & 31

  1. Hijab: The definition

      Covering the body in general

      Covering womens body in front of the non-mahram people

      The real definition a collection of legal rulings and etiquettes which regulates relationship between men and women who are not related (non-mahram)

 

  1. Hijab: Islamic or religious injunction?

      Religious practice, its not Islamic

      Jews and Christians also practice Hijab, but their way is just different

      The Omish people also practice Hijab

 

  1. Purpose and reason

      According to SAS, he told women dont go out and behave like non believing women (this differentiate it between a non believing women and a believing women)

      Hijab purifies the soul

      No reason to go out if unnecessary

      It was prescribed to protect the women to identify them and not harm them

      Modesty

 

  1. Proofs and evidences

      Surah Al-Noor

      Surah Al-Ahzaab

 

  1. Rulings of legal apparels

      To cover the whole body

      It depends on the culture you are brought up in

      The clothing should be loose

      No specific color. However, it should not be too bright to attract anybodys attention

      The feet is also part of the Hijab

 

  1. Ruling of Niqab face cover

      Disputed

 

  1. Legal age of Hijab

      Training age of 10

      And mandatory after they reach the age of puberty

 

  1. What is the male legal dress code?

      To be modest

      Clothes should not pass ankles

      To cover the whole Awrah

      No short clothing

      Cover their heads with culture

      Not to show off

      Avoid silk and gold

      Artificial silk is OK

      Not to be similar to the dress of women its custom

      Having a beard

 

 

Looking at Ones Prospective Bride

  1. The legal ruling

      Mustahab (recommended) and highly recommended by SAS

      Majority of the scholars recommended to see the spouse

 

  1. The reason of permissibility

      Physical features of both and men and women to get attracted.  Initially they were only allowed to see the face and the hands.  But when she is visited by women then she can show her full beauty

 

  1. The eligible time for looking

      It should be before proposing. Sincere and genuine intention

      Need to know if she is married or not and then go and have a look at her

 

  1. The condition of permissibility

      The real and the genuine intention to marry her

 

  1. The procedure

      It doesnt have to be with her permission as long as they have the right intension

      Some scholars say that they should ask her

      Some say to propose to her and see her later

 

  1. The allowable amount

      Majority of scholars say

                        He is allowed to see her face and hands only

                        Female members of his family/friends can investigate

      Abu Haneefa

                        Can also see the feet

      Imam Ahmad

                        Can see what is revealed in her regular days activities

      Imam

                        Generally, to look at her from top to bottom

      Imam Hazm

                        Can see everything

 

  1. The allowable duration

      According to the custom; reasonable amount

 

  1. The number of times

      No specific time

      Generally the amount that it will take him to propose to her

 

 

Questionable Ways of Looking

1.      Sneak a peak - NO

2.      Hidden cameras - NO

3.      Looking at a picture Yes, if intention of proposal

4.      Looking through the internet (Webcam) very controversial (you dont know who is watching), personally not allowed

5.      Being in privacy without Maharam - NO

6.      Being alone in a public place without Mahram - NO

7.      Setting up a casual situation without her knowledge  - YES

 

The Betrothals of the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam

 

  1. Umm Al Mumineen Aisha

      Most beloved wife

      SAS wanted to see Ayesha RTA and Abu Bakr Siddique RTA said to SAS that he will send her to his house and then he can tell him if he like her or not.  He sent her with dates and SAS replied that he liked the dates and told her to tell him that the dates were really sweet.  This was SAS proposal to Ayesha RTA

 

  1. Umm Al Mumineen Hafsa

      Hafsa RTA was a widow and her father Umar RTA took the proposal to Umar Bin Quattab and he said no.  Later he went to Abu Bakr Siddique RTA with her proposal and he said nothing.  Later SAS proposed to her and later Abu Bakr Siddique RTA said that he had found out before that SAS was going to propose to her and thats the reason why he did not say anything

 

  1. Umm Al Mumineen Umm Salama

      Hind bint Abi Umaiya married to Abu Salamah who passed away

      SAS proposed to her and she told that she was old, had many kids and that she is a very jealous women.  As for age SAS that I am older than you and I will take care of your kids, and ask Allah to take her jealousy away.

 

  1. Umm Al Mumineen Umm Habiba

      Ramlah Bintu Abu Sufian RTA was married to Obaidillah Bint Jahsh

      She went with her husband and she had a bad dream that her husband converted to Christianity

      SAS told Annajasi to propose to Umm Habiba on his behalf.  She was the only wife not present when the marriage contract was completed.

 

  1. Umm Al Mumineen Zainab

      Allah ST was the waali to this marriage, after her husbands (Khalid bin Zayed) death

      She would brag to all the wives that all of them got married with their waali (relatives) and she was the only one that Allah ST was her waali

 

Breaking Off

The Consequences of Revoking the Engagement Agreement

 

Sometimes things dont work out as planned so there are the ruling on how to break of the relationship.

 

  1. Is the engagement a revocable contract?

      It is a promise to get married when you said that the engagement will be done after a certain time, you can later be revoked because it is just a promise

      Even though it is not binding, it is highly recommended to keep it

      If the agreement is broken then it should be done as soon as possible.  Dont wait longer.  Waiting long could get personal

      Do not need to provide reason, but be considerate

 

  1. The betrothal gifts

      All scholars say

                        If part of the Mahr or dowry it is an agreement, and it should be given back to him.  If it is consumed that something equal should be returned to him

                        It doesnt matter who broke it off

      What if the gift was used

                        Hanafi he receives it back with the original condition.  If it is damaged then he looses it.

                        Maaliki the man doesnt receive anything if he revokes it.  However, if the girls side revokes it then all the gifts should be returned in the original conditions.  If it was damaged then it has to be compensated. 

                        Shafi if available he takes it back, if damaged, give money or something of equal value

                        Hanabila not allowed to get anything back, because it was given as a gift.

      Hadith - if you take the gifts back it is like eating the dogs vomit

 

  1. Compensation for potential harm and damage

      Some scholars say that it should be compensated

      Some say that it should be taken as a part of charity for the marriage  - wallahuaalam


Chapter Four

In a Golden Cage the Rules of Marriage

 

 قال صلى الله عليه وسلم في خطبة حجة الوداع: (واتقوا الله في النساء! فإنكم أخذتموهن بأمانة الله، واستحللتم ‏فروجهن بكلمة الله، ولهن عليكم رزقهن وكسوتهن بالمعروف)

رواه  مسلم

 

In the farewell khutbah the Messenger of Allah salla Allahu Alayhi wa sallam said:

 Fear Allah concerning women! Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah, and intercourse with them has been made lawful unto you by words of Allah.[6]

 

The integrals of a marriage agreement أركان عقد النكاح

 

  1. The spoken form
  2. The two contracting parties (The bride and the groom)
  3. The witnesses
  4. The brides guardian Wali

 

Hookum side of structure that holds the roof on it

 

Hanafi Existence of matter is dependent on its presence and has to be part of its essence. 

            What would be the integrals?

                        Just the spoken form

 

Junabili Existence of matter is dependent on its presence and not has to be part of its essence

            What would be the integrals?

                        The spoken form, the two contracting parties, and the Wali

 

First: The Spoken Form "الصّيغة"

 

  1. Definition

      The formal spoken offer by one party (Al Ijaab الإيجاب(

      The acceptance by the other party(Al Kubool) القبول

 

  1. Rulings of the spoken words

      Accepted words on which there is agreement

      Zawaj

    in Surah al Ahzaab Ayath 27

    immediate possession of relationship

      Nikah

    Surah Al Nisaa Ayath 22

    To be continuous through lifetime

 

                 Rejected words on which there is agreement

      Any word that does not imply the immediate possession or life long agreement 

      Ex. of words

1.      Ibaha (permissibility)

2.      lending

3.      enjoyment

4.      Wassiyah (will)

5.      Rahan (mortgage)

6.      Trust

 

                 Words on which there is disagreement

      Al Bayer Selling

      Al Qeeba - Gift

      As Saadaqa Charity

      Al Adiyah Present

 

                 Using writing or sign language as an alternative

      Not acceptable if both parties were present and able to speak

      Acceptable if person cannot speak, if it was clearly understood and expressed with intention of marriage

      Any contract should have Al Ijaab and Al Khabool

      Muatadh without interaction with another person, not allowed in marriage

 

  1. Conditions of the spoken form

      The language

      There is an opinion that it has to be in Arabic because the words used (Zawaj and Nikah) has to be used in marriage contract

      If one person does not understand then you can use language that is understandable

      In English the word used should be in past tense.  Ex. I have already given you my daughter in marriage (Zawajtuka Binti) and the guy would say I have accepted (Khabilta)

      The intention has to be clear Ex. If the guy says I will, some scholars say that its ok and some say that its just a promise

      Both statements Al Ijaab and Al Khabool should be done in the same session

      It should not be interrupted outside the marriage contract. It should be done immediately

      No specific ruling on silence interruption depends on tradition of community/culture

      The exact correspondence of the Al Ijaab or Al Khabool should matach

      The one who gives the proposal have to be on the offer until you receive the answer.  You cannot revoke the proposal. Ex. If you are interrupted and the person come back to answer the question he has to ask for it again

      The spoken form should imply immediate after the fulfillment of contract.  Should not use the word Inshallah unless you refer to Inshallah for Barakah

 

  1. Stipulating a grace period of choice in the contract

      An optional close after you make contract Ex. See if it works for 3 days it is not allowed

 

Forms of Marriage contracts which violate this rule

      The temporary marriage   (Zawatul Mutaa)  "زواج المتعة"

      It was acceptable in the early times. Abdulalh Ibn Abbas felt it was permissible he was complaining that people twisted his words and he said it was wrong and was allowed only as a necessity just when we know like allowing eating pork in dying necessities

      It is practiced now only by Shia

      This is forbidden because it does not have implication of life long relationships

      Its another form of Zina

 

      Marriage with an intention of divorce

      If he mentions that he will get married to her only for two months

      It is harram for him for him to have an intention of divorcing her.

      But if the marriage takes place and no one knows except for him, it is still haraam for him, but marriage is till vaild

 

      The borrowed goat

      Marrying someone to make her halal for an ex husband

      You have to have intercourse for the second marriage to be halal

      It is completely forbidden

      The marriage is null if the person knows the intention

 

      Marriage of convenience

      If fulfills all legal requirements it is acceptable; Unless a time period was stated that he will divorce

 

 

Second: The Two Contracting Parties

 

The Bride and The Groom     "العاقدان"

 

1.    Conditions of the two parties

      Specification of the bride and the groom

      You know them by name who is marrying whom

      Legal competence

      Person has to know legal contract

      You cannot get a 2 yr old married because she is not competence enough. 

      What is the age limit for a legal marriage contract?

      There is no age limit for the man and women.  However, they could be some traditional ways of doing it.  Like pre arranged marriage

      If it is pre arranged marriages the kids had the right to revoke it after puberty

      Listening to the other part of the spoken form

      To be free from any defects that prevent the fulfillment of the essence of the contract

      The guy is sick and wants to get married before he dies

      Not to be in a state of Ihram

      Mutual consent

      Both parties are in full agreement

 

1.   Conditions of the Bride  "الزوجة"

      To be a definite female

      No doubt in her sex

      Not to be of his Mahram (Unmarriageable kin)

Surah Al-Nisaa A-23 to 24

 

                The unmarriageable kin  (Al Muharamath)  "المحرمات"

1.      The permanent prohibited relationships

      By blood relationship

      His Ancestors mother, grandmother.

      His Descendents daughters, granddaughters

      Parents descendants  - sisters, nieces,

      The first generation of grand parents offsprings  - auntsides 

      By affinity (by marriage)

      Wife of his ancestors

      The wives of his descendents daughter-in-law

      Ancestors of the wife - grandmother

      Descendents of the wife

      By breast-feeding

      All the above; he is considered as the child

      Ar-Radaah breast feeding

    should be for the first two years

    The amount of milk that he drinks

    The number of times his drink

    Scholars have different opinions on this. 

a.      Ayesha RTA said that first it was 10 times. Later she said that it was obligated to five sufficient times

    There was an exception to this rule.  Abu Hudaifa was very jealous that Saelem (salve) would move around her house freely.  So SAS told her to feed him and she did.  He was 13 yrs old.

    The milk that is caused by one man if one wife breast feeds one girl and the other wife feeds another boy.  The boy and the girl are not related. This is still haraam.

 

2.      The temporary prohibited relationships

      A divorcee from a final divorce

      For the same man who divorced her.  She has to marry someone else divorce him to get married to her first husband

      A woman related to another husband

      Legally married but not consummated

      Consummated marriage

      A women in her waiting period after her divorce

      Disbelieving woman

      Except Ahle Kitab (Jews & Christians)

      Sister in law and her Mahrams

      Sister of your wife, her aunts etc

      A fifth wife

      You cannot marry for the fifth time.  Unless he divorces one of his wives and fulfills his Iddah (same as women 4 m and 10 days)

      He has to wait if he wants to marry his ex-wifes sister.

      He has to wait for the Iddah for the divorcees, widow until her Iddah is finished.

 

Marrying from Ahlul Kitaab

The people of the book

v     Definition of the people of the book

      Any women who believes in a revelation  - Judaism and Christianity

v     The Fiqh opinion

      Majority of Fuqaha

        It is allowed to marry people of the book

      Opinion of Umar RTA

        Marrying Ahlul Kitaab is forbidden

        In Quran do not marry polytheists until they are believing

        Most scholars are against this thought

      If marrying Ahlul Kitaab make sure she is a chaste woman (not a prostitute, or repented for other relationships they have had.

v     Consideration of the Muslim welfare

      Should be careful of the consequences

      Woman does not have to become Muslim

 

2.   Conditions of the Groom "الزوج"

      To be a definite male

      To be a Muslim

      Not a Mahram

 

Prohibited marriages

1.      A Muslim woman to a non-Muslim man

2.      A Muslim man to a non-Kitabi woman

3.      A Muslim man to a woman of one Kitabi parent if there is haraam and the halal it is leaned towards haraam more.  So that is the reason you cannot marry

4.      Marrying to a Murtadd (apostate)

5.      Marrying to an adulterer

 

Forms of marriages which violate this rule

1.      Barter trade marriage نكاح الشغار

      giving one daughter for another daughter with no mahr

2.      Pre-arranged marriages

      Valid contract after puberty have the right to cancel the contract

 

Third: The Witnesses "الشاهدان"

  1. The wisdom behind this stipulation

      To show its importance of marriage

      To avoid the people being accused of anything haraam

      To recognize the halal and haraam matters

      For confirmation of marriage

 

  1. The Fiqh opinion

      For the four Mazhab it is Shirth have to have a witness

      SAS Aalimul Nikah (announced marriage).  You have to take it out to the public

      The Nikah is invalid unless there is two witnesses

 

  1. The time of this testimony

      The shahadah Al Jummor at the time of the contract (the spoken form)

      Malikis it is recommended at the time of the contract, but delaying till the time of marriage is OK

 

  1. Conditions of the witnesses

      Legal competence -  to be Muslim, to be full of sanity, above the age of puberty

      Witness should be two men

      They have the ability to hear the spoken form and reply

 

 

Forms of marriages which violate this rule

  1. The Secret Marriage

      Most scholars say that it is Makrooh (disliked)

      Maaliki They say it is not allowed

 

Fourth: The Brides guardian Wali "الولي"

  1. Definition of guardianship

      It is a legal competence and the ability to own the authority to dispose ones affairs.  Father for son and daughter.

 

  1. Categories of guardianship

      Wilayah Wannas guardianship over one person father and his father (grand father)

      Wilayah Tu Ijbaab -  Those who may compel the female charges to someone

      Those who may not compel the female charges to someone.  They can represent on her behalf.

      Guardianship over ones property father, grandfather, and the judge

      Guardianship which combines the both -

 

  1. The Fiqh opinion

      Al Jumhoor they say it is rukoon.  The marriage contract is valid without the name of the wali

      Other scholars say - The women can speak for herself she does not need her wali on one condition the man has to be the suitable match

     Unmarried woman is more worthy to have control over herself

 

  1. Conditions of the Wali

      Legal competence

      To be a Muslim

      To be a Man/Male majority of scholars say this

      To be trustworthy

      Maturity understand what they are doing

      Being free from the state of Ihram

 

  1. The order of the guardianship among the brides relatives

      The wilaya should follow the inheritance law system.  The paternal side only applies unless none are available     

1.      Father

2.      Grandfather

3.      Son (age of puberty) from previous marriage

4.      Brother

 

  1. In the absence of the Wali

      You wait.  Try to communicate with him.  If he does not turn up then it goes to the second wali, then to the children, brothers, and then uncles.  Some scholars says that uncles comes before brothers

      The foster father cannot be a wali because she cannot inherit the wealth

      In the absence, an Imam can be Wali

 

Rulings of the brides consent

  1. Consent of a maiden bride

      If she is young then you do not need her consent

      Silence is taken as a yes

      If she leaves it to her wali 

 

  1. Consent of a non-maiden bride

      She must say either yes or no

      It is very essential and important

 

  1. Marrying a bride under the age of puberty

      it is permissible

      At the age of puberty they can revoke it

 

Rulings of the guardianship

  1. Abusing the right of guardianship العضل    

      Ex. he retires and does not allow anyone to marry her, so he can be supported

  1. The guardian of a non-Muslim bride

      Can be her non-Muslim wali

      A Muslim cant be a wali to a non-Muslim

 

  1. The non-Muslim guardian of  a Muslim bride

      This is not acceptable.  She must have a muslim wali

      Surah Al Nisaa A 141

 

  1. The guardian of someone who has no legal guardian

      The Ameer would be the wali

 

Commissioning in marriage contracts

"الوكالة في عقد الزواج"

 

  1. Definition of commissioning

      Act on behalf of someone with authority received from him/her.

      Jumhoor says no

      A man is allowed to commission another man

      The father can just authorize her brother to perform on his behalf

 

  1. The Fiqh opinion

      Hanifi commissioning is permissible for a woman

      Majority of scholars say women are not allowed

 

  1. Conditions of the commissioner

      Legal competence

      To be a Muslim

      To be a Man/Male majority of scholars say this

      To be trustworthy

      Maturity understand what they are doing

      Being free from the state of Ihram

 

  1. The authority of the commissioner

      Limited commissioning Ex. Marriage of Ayesha to Mohammed and bring someone as witness

      Unlimited commissioning -  ex. Father telling her son to take authority to get his sister married to who ever he thinks is right for her

 

Rulings of commissioning

1.      Can the commissioner issue the marriage for himself? Yes, if the women accepts the proposal.  Others say that you cannot because of the conflict of interest

       Commissioner can be same for both parties

 

2.      Can the original commissioner commission another for the same contract?  No, you have to go to the person and tell them, dont just pass on the job.

Cannot commission someone to fulfill your duties as a commissioner

 

Forms of marriages which violate this rule

  1. Az-zawaj Al-orfee customary marriage

      Not haraam, but makrooh

 

  1. The friend marriage

      Often happens usually at campuses, one act as a wali, the other as Imam, and they just get married.

      It is not a valid marriage contract

      It is close to zina

 

  1. Common law marriage

      If you live with a person for six months.  This is pure zina.

 

Part two:

Essential requirements for the marriage contract

 

واجبات عقد النكاح

1.      The Dower  "المهر والصداق"

2.      The Suitable Match "الكفاءة"

 

First: The rulings of the dower

  1. Definition

     Two words Mahr or  Sadaaq

     Mahr something in exchange of marriage be it required by the judge or agreement between the two parties.

 

  1. The Fiqh opinion

     It is not a pre-requisite or essential component to validate marriage contract, but it is still a ruling

 

  1. Nikah At-tafweed

     They agree on canceling them out.  Eliminating the Mahr it is permissible.  If the marriage consummates you still have to pay the Mahr

 

  1. Conditions of the dower

     Valuable and not haraam

 

  1. The amount allowable for a dower

     Something valuable (Islamically) material or moral

     There is no maximum amount for Mahr

     Minimum - diff opinions

                  Hanafi - 10 dirhams

                  Maliki 3 dirhams

                  Shaafi anything that can be called as wealth

                  Others anything that is called a thing as long as it as halal

     Non-material Mahr Quran, promise for Umrah or Hajj

     SAS recommended the smallest amount, as easy as possible the reason is that the guy will not ever forgive her

     This is a form of a debt (deferred) unless the wife forgives her Mahr

     Most of the Prophets wives had just almost 500 dirhams

     Even his daughter he did not ask for more than 500 dirhams

 

  1. Extravagant dowers

     The dower is a debt that must be paid, so requesting dower is putting a large debt and burden on someone

 

  1. When the woman is entitled to her entire dower?

     Different opinions

                  At the actual time of the consummation (intercourse)

                  A true seclusion complete privacy

                  The physical enjoyment in a manner less than sexual intercourse

                  A Mahr is due if marriage takes place but man dies before consummation of marriage

     Mahr is due even if divorce is pronounced when he is on his death bed

 

  1. The customary dowry

     Mahrul Mithr - If they did not agree on a specific amount for the Mahr, then go by the customary dowry in the social class of the girls relatives

 

  1. Dividing a dower

     Can pay part of it right away and the rest could be deferred

 

Second: The rulings of the suitable match (al Kafaa)

 

  1. Definition

      Equality or similarity

      Legally (Islamically) Equality or similarities in different characteristics

      This is required for the stability in the marriage

 

  1. The Fiqh opinion

      The four Imams it is condition (shart) to make the contact binding.  It is valid but suspended until it is accepted

      The daleel for it hadeeth - three things should not be delayed salath, the janazah prayer, and the girl that has a suitable match but not married.

 

  1. Who has the authority to demand suitability?

      Its the women is the one who demands the suitable match

      If her guardians object, then it will not be a suitable match

      The girls family posses the right to nullify the marriage because it is not suitable for the girl

 

  1. To whom suitability is sought, the bride or the groom?

      Groom to the bride

      Man can marry any women

      But women may marry only suitable match

 

  1. Considering the qualities of suitability:

      Faith

      Deen

      Eeman

      Good manners

      Chastity

      Linage and ethnicity

      Tribe and clan are very important

      Wealth rich to poor

      Profession If he is not a doctor then forget it

      Soundness intelligent to less intelligent

      Age dont marry with too much age difference

      Freedom

      Health conditions is the husband is disabled, but if she does not have any problem then its OK

 

Part Three:

The Prerequisites of the marriage contract

 

  1. Prerequisites of the validity شروط صحة

      The bide is not mahram to the groom

      The presence of the wali at the time of the contract

      The presence of the witnesses

      If the marriage contract lacks 1/3 it is invalid

 

  1. Prerequisites of the effectiveness شروط نفاذ

      The contract will be valid but suspended (until something external effect)

      Competence of both parties

      To have the authority to perform the contact.

      If the brother finds a guy for his sister, and both agree, the marriage will be valid but suspended until her nearest wali (father) completes it

 

  1. Prerequisites of a binding agreement شروط لزوم

      It is valid because it fulfilled the prerequisite of validity and effectiveness; but one thing is lacking

      To be free from any final clause Ex. I will try for 3 days and then Inshallah then I will agree

      To be free from any deceit or defect Ex. If the girl lies about her age before marriage, then the guy can cancel the marriage.  You just give all the gifts back.  However, if he does not mind, then the marriage can take place

 

Adding stipulations to the marriage contract

 

قال صلى الله عليه وسلم: "إن أحق الشروط أن توفوا بها ما استحللتم به الفروج" البخاري ومسلم

 

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said: Indeed, the conditions that are the most worthy of fulfillment are the ones which you stipulate to make intercourse with women lawful to you. Bukhari and Muslim[7]

 

  1. Stipulations which are obligatory to be fulfilled

      Part of the requirement in general.

      Mahr does not fall in this category it is already stated and has to be paid

 

  1. Stipulations which are legally nullified

      Any condition that contradicts some of the integrals of marriage contract.

      Ex. You sit with the wali and he has one condition you will not touch her, he can say yes or no. This will nullify the marriage

 

  1. Stipulations made for the interest of the wife

      Ex. She can put one condition like I will not leave Houston after marriage, I dont want to marry another wife, she can ask for the right of divorce and not Qula etc. 

      Majority of the scholars say that the condition is nullified. 

      Hanabila say these conditions need to be fulfilled.  If you agree to these conditions then you have to fulfill these conditions

 

  1. Stipulations that are prohibited

      Anything that is stipulated that is haraam or something that leads to haraam

      To cut the ties and relationship with his/her family

 

The different status of a marriage contracts

  1. Valid and binding contract

      After fulfilling the integrals, stipulations of effectiveness and validity

 

  1. Valid and non-binding contract

      After fulfilling the conditions of above, but lacks the condition of a binding contract

  1. Suspended  contract

      After fulfilling validity and biding, still need approval of both parties

  1. Invalid contract

      Missing one of the integrals of the marriage contact

 

First: The consequences of a marriage contract

 

First: The consequences of a valid and binding contract

  1. The conjugal right enjoying the spouses person
  2. The move to his residence
  3. The dower (Mahr)
  4. Sustenance and spending
  5. The establishment of affinity (unmarriageable kin)
  6. The verification of the child lineage - if the child is born after 6 months of the pregnancy then the child is legal.  However, if the child is born healthy before 6 months then the child is illegitimate.
  7. The establishment of the inheritance right
  8. The right of obedience to the husband obeying husband takes precedent over obeying parents
  9. The right of husband to chastise his wife it has to be an emotional treatment and not physical.  When you hit your wife it should not leave any hits or bruises on you.
  10. The kind treatment  - from both parties

 

Second: The consequences of a valid and non-binding contract

  1. The same consequences of a valid contract

      All mentioned above applies

      Right to call for the annulment of the contract

 

  1. The right to call for disintegration of the contract

      If you find anything, like you found him to be disabled, or her disabilities you can disintegrate the contract

 

Third: The consequences of a suspended contract

  1. No consequences until it is approved

 

Fourth: The consequences of an invalid contract

  1. According to Madhab Imam Abu Haneefah
  2. According to Madhab Imam Malik
  3. According to Madhab Imam Ash-Shafiee
  4. According to Madhab Imam Ahmad

 

Second: The protocol of the Marriage Contract


The documentation of the marriage contract the rights of the spouse

1.      The Fiqh opinion

      It is recommended - It is not waajib

      Surah Bakaraa A- 282 (longest ayah). Allah ST recommended to document these contract

 

2.      The importance of documentation

      To preserve the rights of the two parties

      10 consequences of a valid and binding contract

 

3.      The legal requirements for this documentation

      IDs of both the parties (bride and groom)

      Request to bring the marriage certificate from the city

 

4.      The wording of this document

 

5.      Islamic centers and marriage documentation

 

6.      Charging money for documentation

      It has to be done in a standard format

 

 The ceremonies of a marriage contract

  1. Who should perform the ceremony?

      An authority in the area (Imams)

 

  1. Marrying outsiders

      One of the contacting parties should be from the area

      If both of them are out of towners then avoid

 

  1. The place where the ceremony should take place

      Recommendation Islamic centers

 

  1. Seating the contracting parties

      Have them sit together

      The bride does not have to be there, her wali should be there

 

  1. The different words of the spoken form

      Be specific Ijaab and Quboor

 

  1. A marriage contract: step by step

      Go to the bride and confirm her with the ID provided, ask her about the Mahr, ask her if she needs to include any conditions, then go to the groom and ask if he needs to include any conditions.  If they both agree then go and get the signatures and the Iman later signs the marriage contact

 

 

Example of the declaration of marriage contract:

 

Declaration of bridegroom:

I ., a Muslim, born on . residing in .., phone # (                        ) SS# / DL # accept Miss as my wife according to the precepts of the Quran and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam. I declare to abide by the laws of Islam as a Muslim husband in the presence of the gathering and the witnesses and Allah is the best witness of all.

 

I also promise to give as Dower to my wife.

 

Declaration of bride (or wali)

I of .faith, born on .................. residing in ... phone # (              ) SS# / DL # .. accept Mr. . as my husband according to the precepts of the Quran and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam. I declare to abide by the laws of Islam as a (Muslim) wife in the presence of the gathering and the witnesses and Allah is the best witness of all.

I also accept conditions and Dower specified.

 

Third:  The marriages of The Messenger of Allah Salla Allahu Alayhi Wa sallam

Ummahtul Mumineen

  1. The total number of the wives of Rasulullah

      14 in general - scholars agree that he had 11 wives and 2 wives died in his life time.  There is a dispute he had 3 more wives. 

                  Maria Qibtityah  - was a concubine or wife (disputed)

                  Asma bintu Noman he found a defect in her so he sent her home

                  Amrah bintu Yazi - he just let her go because she said I seek refuge in Allah from you.

 

  1. Marrying Ummahtul Mumineen

      Khadija bintu Khuwailid radiya Allahu anha

                  Died during his lifetime

                  Had all of his children except Ibrahim

                  Daughters Zainab, Ume Kulsum, Roqeyah (Died during his lifetime) and Fatima

                  Sons Abdullah and Kasim died during his lifetime

      Souda bintu Zamaa radiya Allahu anha

      Aisha bintu Abi Bakr radiya Allahu anha - he contracted with her father in Makkah and they consummated the marriage in Madina at age 9 or 10.  She was the only Maiden women that he married.

      Hafsa bintu Omar radiya Allahu anha

      Zainab bintu Khuzaima radiya Allahu anha Ummul Maasakeen

                  Died in his life time

      Umm Salam bintu Abi Umayyah radiya Allahu anha 

                  She was the one who complained that she was old, had jealousy, and she had children..

      Zainab bintu Jahsh radiya Allahu anha

                  Who was the wife of his adopted son and his cousin

      Juwairiyyah bintu Al-Harith radiya Allahu anha

                  She was captured and she became the women of high rank.  She was recommended from him.  She came to SAS to tell him to free her from the tribe, and he paid the ransom and married her.

      Umm Habibah bintu Abi Sufyan radiya Allahu anha

                  In Makkah period, the consummation of marriage was in 7th Hijri.  Abi Sufiyan was a Kaafir, and he was very happy when SAS was married his daughter. 

      Safiyyah bintu Huyay radiya Allahu anha

                  She was a Jew.  She was the daughter of the Jewish community.  He proposed to her and she accepted.

      Maymoona bintu Al-Harith radiya Allahu anha

                  She was the sister-in-law of the Ibn-Abbas.

 

  1. The lineage of Ummahtul Mumineen

      Those from Quraish

                  Khadija bintu Khuwailid

                  Aisha bintu Abi Bakr

                  Hafsa bintu Omar

                  Umm Habibah bintu Abi Sufyan

                  Umm Salam bintu Abi Umayyah

                  Souda bintu Zamaa

 

Plural Marriage تعدد الزوجات

  1. Polygamy or Polygyny?

 

  1. Ruling of Polyandry

 

  1. What is the default in marriage; monogamy or polygyny?

      The default in marriage is monogamy

      Is there any preference some scholars say it is recommended to marry more than one wife.  If you can do justice to all your wives then you can marry more than once. Some say that is recommended to marry only one.

 

  1. The justification of polygyny

      General reasons

      Solving the social problems of women in numbering men

      The need for this Ummah to increase the population

      Establishing more and stronger affinities

      Specific reasons

      If the wife cannot carry any babies

      Sometimes the disability to fulfill the husbands rights

      Hatred between husband and wife

      Stronger sexual drive of men when compared to women

 

  1. Limiting the plural marriage up-to four

      Allahs command he knows best

      Some scholars say to achieve extreme satisfaction (sexually)

      If he can do justice to all his wives then he can marry up to four. 

 

  1. Rulings of plural marriage

      All marriages are equal and binding

      Wife one is not the chief of the gang

      Wife 4 should not have preferential treatment except for the first week if she is a maiden

      Do justice

      Prophet SAS said if you prefer one wife, then will come to day of judgment leaning towards one side

      His time and wealth should be just; heart does not have to be

 

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam and plural marriage

  1. Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam as a man

      Until the revelation, he was only married only Khatijah RTA

      After the revelation (age 50), he then married his later wives

 

  1. Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam as a Messenger of Allah

 

  1. The reasons for plural marriages in the life of Rasulullah

      Educational reasons

      Legislative reasons like marrying Zainab to stop adoption rulings

      Social reasons  - marrying Sauda and Salama

      Political reasons

                  Marriage of Habiba

                  Marriage of Juwayriyah

 

Chapter Five

Uniting in goodness Wedding and Intimacy

 

First

Announcing the Marriage

 

عن محمد بن حاطب الجمحي قال: قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم :"فصل ما بين الحرام والحلال الصوت وضرب الدف" رواه الترمذي

 

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said: Distinguishing between the forbidden and the permissible (with regard to marrying a woman) is the voice (of singing) and the beat of the duff. At-tirmidhi.

 

The wedding party الزفاف

 

  1. The Fiqh opinion

      Mustahab highly recommended to announce wedding

      Imam As Zuhir says it is Wajib

 

  1. The meaning of announcing the marriage

      Take it out to the public

 

  1. Weddings and customs

      Everything is permissible unless it is not mentioned in the Shariah

      Using fireworks it is OK

      Religious customs that copy other religions like tossing the bouquet before she leaves

 

  1. Singing in the wedding party

      It should display good manners between people

      Songs that say haraam things are prohibited

 

  1. The use of instruments

      Instruments other than duff is haraam

 

  1. Dancing in the wedding

      Belly dancing is prohibited

      As long as it is folkloric

 

  1. Rulings of different customs in wedding parties:

      Extravagance in wedding parties

      It is haraam

      If they can afford it then they can have it

 

      Free mixing

      It is haraam

      If the women are in full hijaab, and the men lower their gaze then it is ok

 

      Wedding rings

      The same ruling applies like the engagement ring

 

      Presenting the bride and groom

 

      The groom in the women section

 

      Recording the wedding party

      As long as they do full hijaab it is OK

 

      The wedding procession

 

      Gowns and Tuxedos

      There is no limit to the customs, unless it goes against the shariah

 

  1. Weddings at the time of Rasulullah salla allahu alayhi wa sallam

 

 

The congratulations upon marriage[8]

"بارك الله لك وبارك عليك وجمع بينكما في خير"

 

Allahs blessings for you and blessing upon you. May you be joined together in goodness.

 

The wedding dinner Waleemah الوليمة

  1. Definition

      Title of the meal served for marriage

 

  1. The Fiqh opinion

      Majority of the scholars says it is recommended

      Imam Zahir Wajib

 

  1. Time of the Waleemah

      It is the next day recommended

 

  1. The amount of Waleemah

      Does not have to be specific

      Just bring people to celebrate with you

 

  1. Sending invitations for the Waleemah

      YES, you can invite people

 

  1. Responding to Waleemah

      it becomes waajib to respond positive or negative it is recommended for a positive response

 

  1. Extravagance in wedding feasts

      It is haraam, unless you are sure that the food leftover is not wasted

 

Second

Marriage and Intimacy

 

At the heart of mankinds existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.[9]

 

In Islam marriage is the way to fulfill this relationship

 

Islam and Sexuality

  1. A conservative look between excessiveness and liberalism

      Conservative middle (Wassath) of two extremes

                  Excessiveness al Wuloo

                  Liberalism - Tafriq

      Surah Bakhara Metaphor expression the wives are like fertile land and you can do whatever you wish with them.  Practice sex in any position that they want (most explicit statement in Quran

 

  1. Understanding sex from a western perspective

      Other religions may thing that intercourse is not for pleasure something you have to do

      Liberalism complete opposite

 

  1. Understanding sex from an Islamic perspective

      It is natural instinct part of fithra

      In Islam sex is not a sin nor it is an punishment

      It is a pleasure of this life

      Physical share it with animals

      Illusive when someone is position/status (like becoming a Ameer, etc)

      Spiritual pleasure of being honest, decent etc

 

  1. Sexuality in religious texts and Fiqh works

      When they talk about the Nikah etc they talk about this

 

  1. The sexual drive between man and woman

      Man has a stronger desire for sex

      Women go through pregnancies

 

  1. Ibnul Qayyim on the virtues of  legal intercourse

      It has its own benefits

      It gives tranquility and peacefulness to the mind

      Lust and desire

      It is also an act of worship

      It bring the lovers together

      SAS said, Nothing is better than Nikah for the people who are in Love

 

  1. Sexual hygiene in Islam

      Regular shower

      Circumcision

      Shaving the pubic/underarm for both men and women

      When men think about sex and intimacy, they discharge so according to SAS you just wash the private parts and make wuduh

      Sperm - It is pure

 

Etiquette of the wedding night

  1. Treatment with kindness

      To be prepared the environment like preparing the apartment (not the bed).  Like flowers, chocolates, cookies, etc.

      Try to prepare a special gift to be give that night

 

  1. Reciting the supplication

      Oh Allah I ask you for the good and goodness and refuge from her evil

 

  1. Praying two rakas

      It is recommended that the husband lead the prayer to set the foundation

 

  1. Considering general hygiene

 

  1. Taking time for satisfying foreplay

      SAS recommended it

 

  1. Observing the permissible intercourse

      In the legal place

 

  1. Giving equal time to arrive at full satisfaction

      Give an equal time for equal satisfaction do not be hasty.  Make sure that your spouse is equally satisfied

 

  1. Keeping the secrets of the sexual life

      Dont dispose it to any one

      Does not have to take place the first night

 

Intimacy in the bedroom

  1. The default ruling of sexual acts

      Anything in the bedroom is acceptable unless there is something that prohibits it

      Treat them kindly

 

  1. The permissible sexual acts

      During menstruation

                  Do everything lawful, except intercourse

      Majority of scholars say oral sex is OK

      Different positions except for anal sex

      Mutual masturbation permitted

      Does not have to be in the bedroom, just need to be modest

      Taking shower with your wife

      If pregnant it is still permissible (make sure it does not cause any harm to her)

      Fulfilling fantasies, Lighting candles etc it is allowed as long you are not doing anything haraam

 

  1. The impermissible sexual acts

      Intercourse with women during menstruation

      Taping or recording

      Watching porn

      Adult toys - disputable

      Individual masturbation - disputable

 

Contraception methods and birth control

  1. Contraception methods

      Al-Azaal withdrawal method

      Any form of family planning is allowed

 

  1. Abortion

      To use it as a birth control is haraam

      If the soul is blown into the baby, after 4 months, then it is haraam unless harm to mother

      It is a crime in Islamic law

 

  1. The Fiqh opinion

 


Chapter six

On a footing of kindness marital rights

 

"ولهن مثل الذي عليهن بالمعروف وللرجال عليهن درجة"

 

And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. Al Baqarah 2:228.

 

First

The Story of womens rights

 

The Womens rights case

  1. Definition of womens rights
  2. Why calling for womens rights
  3. The evolution of feminism
  4. Islamic perspective

      All of the rights and obligations that women in the West fight for, were there hundreds of years ago

 

Gender equity in Islam

  1. Are men and women equal?

      Invalid question

      It depends on the area one is discussing

 

  1. Differences or preferences?

      Men and women were created different for a unique and different role

      Men will not be able to do a job that is designed for woman and vice versa

 

  1. The natural differences between man and woman

      Physiological differences

      Men dont like to talk about their problems

      Women like to talk to discuss it with their husband

      Men dont know how to express their crises like happiness or sadness.  While women are better in using their words

      Emotional differences

      Neurological differences

 

Hadith Abi Said Al Khudri radiya Allahu anhu

 

حديث أبي سعيد: "ما رأيت من ناقصات عقل ودين أذهب للب الرجل الحازم منكن. قلن وما نقصان ديننا وعقلنا يا رسول الله؟ قال: أليس شهادة المرأة مثل نصف شهادة الرجل؟ قلن: بلى. قال فذلك نقصان عقلها. أليس إذا حاضت لم تصل ولم تصم؟ قلن: بلى, قال: فذلك من نقصان دينها." البخاري ومسلم

 

In the translation of the abridged Sahih Bukhari:

I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religion than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray (I say: loose his firmness) by some of you. The women asked: O Messenger of Allah! What is deficient in our intelligence and religion? He said: Is not the witness of two women equal to the witness of one man? They replied in the affirmative. He said: this is the deficiency in your intelligence. Isnt it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses? The women replied in the affirmative. He said: this is the deficiency in your religion.

 

Re-phrasing the translation:

I have not seen anyone (over controlled- over influenced) more diminished (decreased) in perception and religion than you. A cautious sensible man could loose his firmness and determination by some of you. The women asked: O Messenger of Allah! What is diminished (decreased) in our perception and religion? He said: Is not the witness of two women equal to the witness of one man? They replied in the affirmative. He said: this is the diminution (decrease) in perception. Isnt it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses? The women replied in the affirmative. He said: this is the diminution in your religion.

 

Rights and obligations between man and woman

  1. Differences of rights or preferences?

      It is to have even rights but with different ratios

      In some religions, women dont have the right to be religious

 

  1. Rights and obligations in Islamic law

      They are equal in pursuing the Deen and Aaqirah

 

  1. Equal rights and obligations between man and woman

      The right of humanity Yes they are equal

      Education Yes they are equal

      Financial Yes they are equal

 

  1. Different rights and obligations between man and woman

      Al Qiwamah (Guardianship) not just as a right, but as an obligation for a man

      Al-Miraah they are financial responsible, that is the reason why men do get more part in the inheritance

 

Second

The rights of spouses

 

  1. Mutual rights

      Having the right to enjoy one another intimate relationship

      Treating each other in good manners

      Establishing the right of inheritance  - if he dies she get part of the estate

 

  1. The rights of the Husband

      Obedience

      If he ordered you to do something haraam you shouldnt do it

      Remaining in the house, and leaving with permission

      If he gives you a general permission, then YES

      Responding to his call when he calls her to bed

      Need to be understanding and obey her

      Protecting his house in his absence his property etc.

      Serving the husband according to the customary condition

      Protecting his honor, children and wealth not to allow anybody (male members) without his permission

      Being thankful to him usually women do not thank their husbands and this is the reason why SAS said that woman will be in hell because of this

      Chastisement

 

  1. The rights of the wife

      Treating her in kind and good manner

      Teaching her the matters of the religion and worship

      Maintaining her chastity protecting her

      Financially maintaining her perfectly

 

  1. The rights of the in-laws

      Establishing the forbiddance of marriage to relatives

      The right of hospitality

      The nature established relationship


 

Chapter seven

 

The languages of love Maintaining Love and marital life

 

From the life of the Messenger of Allah Salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam

 

We must be willing to learn our spouses primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.[10]

 

All his wives loved him very much.  Ex. Jealousy and usual fights between husband and wife

 

Love after the wedding

  1. Does marriage kill love?

      Statistics in west say yes 48% end up with divorce after marriage.  Chances of second marriage ending up in divorce are 62%.  Chances of third marriage is up to 75%

 

  1. Communicating love to your partner

      Need to know the spouse primary language  - appreciation, verbal, physical etc

 

  1. Rationalizing love in marital life

      Emotion plays a vital role in this matter

      Love is a statement it is an action. Show it through the actions, show support, express things, write letters emails etc.

 

The many different languages of love

  1. Words of affirmation
  2. Quality time
  3. Receiving gifts
  4. Acts of service
  5. Physical contact

 

Understanding the differences

  1. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus

      Men are more into hardware stuff like gadgets, tools, computers etc

      Women are more into social relationships like meeting people and talking

      Fulfill each other value and grow in this manner

 

  1. Understanding the different values

      Men dont like to be criticized

      Women like to grow and make everyone grow around them

 

  1. Crises approach, and coping with stress

      Men like to withdraw thats their nature dont chase him he will come back to you later

      Women like to go outside and speak just listen to her sometimes she just wants you to listen to her and not give her solutions.  Sometimes she might as for solutions as well

 

  1. The motivation power

      Men need to see that she need her help he feels comfortable with this.  Women should submit to this.

      Women usually give because they care and they dont give unless they feel confident (emotionally)

 

  1. Expressing feelings through different languages

 

  1. Our emotional differences

      Men work like rubber bands and they will eventually come back

      Women are like waves

 

 

 

 

A Final Advice

How to win the heart of your wife?

How to win the heart of your husband?

 

      Exchange gifts