6-27-03, Friday
8.He didn't go to the movies with another girl. But he was still all mad at me. I wrote him this email, and he took it as "im breaking up with u" when I meant " I love you but i dont wanna tell you because you haven't been supportive of me lately." He insists I broke up with him. (Which we all know I would never, ever do.)Then this guy named Jake Miller has on his profile "Maria-luv ya", I thought he was Tess' friend....it turns out Tess' friend's name is Jake Brewer. Whoops. So Josh thinks I like Tess' friend, when in the first place I had never talked to him except like once for 20 seconds, and now it turns out it was a guy I've never met before and have no idea who it is, who probably has a girlfriend named Maria. Great. Party. I would be so happy if he called.grr.How can he NOT know I love him soooooooooooooooo incredibly much? It's crazy. I don't know what to do to get him to believe me. I'm just really scared to try because I'm so scared he'll already be over me, and I'll get my heart broken again. But, I guess even if he doesn't still like me he deserves to know how I feel. Maybe even prove I really DO love him more. I just want my baby back. =(. I seriously don't want us to ever end. Every time I'm not with him I'm hurting. I don't want to go through that again. I've never felt this way about someone before. He really just lightens up everything. I know that sounds really overused, but it's so true. And, like, every fight we're in, is SO worth it for when we aren't in fights. I really felt like I found someone who cared (almost) about me as much as I care about him.
Especially the night before he left. I just wanted to be near him, like, the whole time. I wanted to be in that moment forever, and I would give anything to go back to it. I love him so much. I want him to want me. I want him. I want him to "love me more than anything" again. God I'm so spoiled. And I want to kiss him so bad. Now I'll just like randomly lay my head down and just think about him. I'm always thinking about him. He has something in me that I know I can't find with anyone else. I would never want to just be there with someone, and be around them forever. But I do with him. And it's weird. I love every single thing about him. And his flaws...I love them too. It makes him perfect. Even fights he starts. I dont like them at the time but I know it makes us stronger and it makes me realize how much I need him...especially this last one. I have never missed him more than I miss him right now. I need to be with him. We can't just let like 7 months end now. I know we can make it if we try. I have enough love for him for both of us to be completely in love. And it's so true. God I wish he knew. I can't live my life without knowing he's there to talk to..and to love me no matter what happens, because that's how I feel about him. I miss him so much.

6-27-03, Friday
8.He didn't go to the movies with another girl. But he was still all mad at me. I wrote him this email, and he took it as "im breaking up with u" when I meant " I love you but i dont wanna tell you because you haven't been supportive of me lately." He insists I broke up with him. (Which we all know I would never, ever do.)Then this guy named Jake Miller has on his profile "Maria-luv ya", I thought he was Tess' friend....it turns out Tess' friend's name is Jake Brewer. Whoops. So Josh thinks I like Tess' friend, when in the first place I had never talked to him except like once for 20 seconds, and now it turns out it was a guy I've never met before and have no idea who it is, who probably has a girlfriend named Maria. Great. Party. I would be so happy if he called.grr.How can he NOT know I love him soooooooooooooooo incredibly much? It's crazy. I don't know what to do to get him to believe me. I'm just really scared to try because I'm so scared he'll already be over me, and I'll get my heart broken again. But, I guess even if he doesn't still like me he deserves to know how I feel. Maybe even prove I really DO love him more. I just want my baby back. =(. I seriously don't want us to ever end. Every time I'm not with him I'm hurting. I don't want to go through that again. I've never felt this way about someone before. He really just lightens up everything. I know that sounds really overused, but it's so true. And, like, every fight we're in, is SO worth it for when we aren't in fights. I really felt like I found someone who cared (almost) about me as much as I care about him.
Especially the night before he left. I just wanted to be near him, like, the whole time. I wanted to be in that moment forever, and I would give anything to go back to it. I love him so much. I want him to want me. I want him. I want him to "love me more than anything" again. God I'm so spoiled. And I want to kiss him so bad. Now I'll just like randomly lay my head down and just think about him. I'm always thinking about him. He has something in me that I know I can't find with anyone else. I would never want to just be there with someone, and be around them forever. But I do with him. And it's weird. I love every single thing about him. And his flaws...I love them too. It makes him perfect. Even fights he starts. I dont like them at the time but I know it makes us stronger and it makes me realize how much I need him...especially this last one. I have never missed him more than I miss him right now. I need to be with him. We can't just let like 7 months end now. I know we can make it if we try. I have enough love for him for both of us to be completely in love. And it's so true. God I wish he knew. I can't live my life without knowing he's there to talk to..and to love me no matter what happens, because that's how I feel about him. I miss him so much.

6-25-03, wednesday
6:21. While I had an away message up, Josh IMed me. He said he never told some other chick that he loved her. I hope he got that that wasn't what I meant.I dont know, but he better get on tonight. I'm gonna be so pissed if he just lies to me about this whole thing and says he didn't go with a girl when he did.I just wrote him this letter that I'm never going to give him but oh well it let me take off some of my steam. I kinda just want something to happen now. I know I'll be okay without him, but god are the memories going to haunt me forever. Especially the night before he left. It made me wanna cry when I had to leave. I never ever ever thought he would cheat on me. But, here I am. He's cheating on me.I think this entry is gonna be short.
I really miss him though. I'm not sure what I would do without him. He's always kinda been more than a boyfriend. It's always comforting to think that there's someone out there who actually cares about YOU..not just yalls relationship, but me as a person. I really respect that. I really love that. I really need that...I still don't know if I'm ever going to show him this. Probably not.If we ever get okay again, I probably won't until we break up or something. I donno...it makes me upset that I know he has access to the internet like all the time ...and he used to talk to me, but now he doesn't. It makes me think his mind is already occupied by the other girl who's prettier than me, and better than me and all. No time for the girl who's cared about him for more than 7 months, no just the new girl. I wish he'd think about that. There's no one I've thought about while I'm with him than him. Maybe while we weren't going out, I liked other people, but he was the only one I loved.
I just wish I could be better. He deserves it. I miss him so much.

6/24/03-Tuesday
11.I found out last night that he went to see a movie with another girl. How does my life get any worse than this Im not sure but I know it will. Tim wasnt sure if they were just going as friends, but I think he was just trying to save me some heartbreak. I wish he wouldnt. I was up all last night thinking of what I was going to say to him. Then this morning I woke up really early and couldnt go back to sleep because I was thinking about it so much. Thinking about it makes me sick..probably why I found myself next to the toilet gagging. I still feel kind of shaky. I dont know how this could have happened to me. He used to be so...perfect. What did I do to deserve this? All in like 2 weeks. My cat dying, fights, this. Im not the kind of person who gets played...but I should have seen this coming. I should have believed Aaron when I told him Josh would be gone for a week and he said "he's gonna play you" but I didn't know it was true. Josh PROMISED me he wouldn't find someone new. I guess you can't promise that but he along with that promise comes "I wont date anyone while I'm gone".Bullshit I guess. It hasnt been hard for me. He's still the only one on my mind day and night. No one else. I fell in love with the perfect person I thought. Everyone has flaws. And why wouldnt he have just broken up with me? Atleast then he wouldn't be lying to anyone. God, I hope he feels guilty. He damn should. I still didn't cry. That promise I made to myself is working. I donno, maybe it would be better if I did cry. But I cry so much it's not really that big of a deal anymore. Im not ready for this relationship to be over. He has so much of me that I wont ever be able to get back. Never will be able to get it back. I thought I had found someone who was different. Someone who would care....but like Sally said..even though I was acting different that gives him no right to go to the movies with a different girl. I still don't know what I'm going to say if he gets on. But I think I have an idea. I really do want to be with him. I really do love him.And I miss him. I don't know what I'd do if we weren't together, also. I'm thinking about showing him this. Maybe it'll give him some perspective of what goes through my head and why I do some things. But I'm only gonna show him if it's really over. It just seems like I've been waiting way too long to see him for us to just break up. God I should have told him to come like a week ago. Maybe it would all be OK now. I'm definitely going to tell him how much I love him. He deserves to know that. And that I'm sorry for being depressed and acting the way he didn't want me to.I just wish he knew. Maybe he wouldnt have gone with her if he knew. Maybe he'd still love me if he knew. I guess this is fate. I donno. I believe we'll be together again if he really did love me. But I cant decide that. I wonder what girl it was. I bet shes better than me. Prettier. Smarter. Funnier. I wonder if anyone will ever actually put me infront of someone else. He put her in front of me. I really miss him. I just wish he would get on or call me or something. If he called me it would put more effect on it. But I could do a lot better job of tellin him how I feel on AIM.I can't believe he's doing this to me. I still love him.

June 23,2003
12.Today's not any better than yesterday. I asked him if we were gonna talk and he just said no.He stayed on for about another 30 minutes and signed off without anything.I wanna have something to cry about, or something to smile about.I dont know what Im doin now.I hate always being wrong.I dont even know what I did this time.God I just really wanna talk to him. But he doesnt.I added on my profile "always", but I dont know if he noticed.If he did, he didn't say anything. And Im guessing he did see it because we both have a habit of looking at other people's profiles when we're bored or whatever.And I hate it.Cause I meant it.I'm not used to having people know how I feel and them not feeling the same way.Especially when you're still going out with the person. I miss him really bad.But Im not gonna cry over something that's not there. Actually, I dont think I'd cry anyway. Ever since Kitty died it seems pointless to cry over anything less that death. I think I wanna keep it that way.Im sick of always being the weak person. The one crying and hurting..but there has to be one of those in a relationship and I know it won't be him.Either that or we could not ever fight. That sounds fine with me...I never start it anyways. God I never get mad. If I like go do something a little wrong he's all over it. I mean..somethings make sense, but others dont. And too many fights...they all become worthless. Now when we have a fight I dont get that emotional Im just kinda like "screw this its bullshit" cuz he gets mad so much.But every time I think he's gonna break up with me.But the times we're not in fights is well worth it. But for me to help a fight get better, I have to know he still loves me. Im not putting my heart out there for nothing in return.(wait...I just did with the profile..)I know I should just be patient..but I want something to happen.He needs to break up with me now or get the hell over it. The way he's been talking to me I should just assume we're over.But I dont wanna be. God. I dont know what I want anymore.All I know is I want him...Just him. It would be perfect if he didnt get mad so much. I dont even know how he cant tell me. Whenever I get mad I just turn up the music and kick something...I dont fuck up our relationship.Unless it's worth it. I donno, maybe he thinks everythings worth it. In my opion..I dont think it should be.Being depressed definitely isn't a reason to get mad. And that's what started most of this I think.But damn, Im ready to be happy again, with or without him. One maybe easier than the other. But I'm always gonna love that boy. Regardless of anything.

6-22-03-Sunday
It's only 2 and today sux.Me n Josh got in another fight again (i think).I donno Im so sick of it though. Hes been actin weird...it started w/ him takin off the profile thing, he said something about with it people said he was gay...yah well people said I was obsessed and I still kept it up cuz he means a lot to me.I donno.I guess I shouldnt care...I just liked it.It was something I could look at and be assured he still liked me.Now his profile is blank. :-/.Not great to look at and think about. I donno if he realizes i think about it...but I do.And i donno if that means hes trying to break up with me or what.So i donno if I should try to fix everything or not.I dont wanna be some dumbass and be all nice to him when he's about to break up with me. I've been through that before and I still hate myself for it.How could I have NOT seen he didnt still like me? I held that against him for a long time, but he probably didn't know it because I never tell him when Im mad.I keep thinkin that if he does break up with me, maybe we're better apart...but then I know I'm still completely in love with him and if I was myself maybe he still would be with me.But I cant be myself when he's mad at me/ doesnt like me. I really miss it though. I don't know what it feels like to be liked anymore. Everything I say, he shoots me down for it. I think maybe if i just shut up our relationship would be better, but if I say nothing 1.Im not being myself and 2.he gets mad at me anyway.I guess the main thing about the profile is, I didnt know anyone would have the guts to ever take it down because we've had it for a really, really long time. And now that he did have the guts to take it down it really kinda seems like a hint of "im taking drastic measures cuz i really dont wanna be with u anymore" and of course Im not gonna tell him I wish it was still up cuz its really dumb to care so much about a profile and then he might put it back up even though he doesn't want to which would be as bad as him going out with me even though he doesnt like me anymore.I don't think he has any idea how much I like him. He also keeps tellin me all this stuff about Kara that he probably knows I dont wanna hear like he stayed up til 4 talkin to her.wow...that really sounds like our record doesnt it? I donno.He probably stayed up later talkin to her.It seems like the only reason he stays on longer than he used is because she's on and she's worth talking to.And he keeps tellin me these other people are cool. Girls. I guess I dont really care except once I said this guy was kool and he got mad....so if he feels that why would he say that about sum1 else if he thinks its wrong?I donno.It seems like he used to be like infatuated by me and I know Im still by him..and thats what made the profile happen. It seems like he doesn't care much anymore.And he KNOWS I hate Shmotkins, and he told me he deleted the screename to make me feel better...then he promptly gets on that screenname probably just to annoy the hell out of me and then asks me "why r you actin so funky?" I told him I was about to ask him the same question and he tells me he doesnt want to deal with this anymore and signs off. Does that mean he broke up with me? I mean, he KNOWS to always say bye and I love you.But he hasn't been a lot lately. I feel like Im the only one who ever wants to work things out, and he just wants to hurt me. He knows he's hurting me.He's been off for about an hour and a half now, Ive just been sitting here waiting for him to get back on. I said something about a picture "where her hand is it looks like its his ear" and he said "not really".ok....Im entitled to my opinion .... and he is entitled to his but he used to always find a way to agree with me.Not anymore. Im wrong. Hes right. Always.Yesterday he asked me if I was spoiled.Well, thanks.That makes me feel great. He also told me I neglect him. He said he was just kidding..but it really didn't sound like it. I sure do care a hell of a lot about him to be neglecting him.I was depressed. Not neglecting. I dont think he's ever really known me depressed so maybe he doesnt know how to deal with it. I dont know.But he knows that cat meant a lot to me and it hurt(s).A lot.Just seems like if something dies that's close to you, everyone should be easier on you.No, they just get mad at you when you're not overly happy.He gave me like 2 days to get over it.And yah Im probably giving the impression Im over it, but I thought he knew me well enough to know, for me, its not always what it seems.I think I have the right, for like atleast 3 months, to be as depressed as I want, anytime I want.But Im not because I dont believe in sulking.But I am in the inside.All the time.And I thought with Josh I could bring out the inside like I cant with anyone else. Now I'm not as sure.I know if we break up, the second I see him, I'll be so completely in love again. Nevermind.I'd be that way the whole time we were broken up.I really wish I could hear his side of the story...but if he doesnt even want to say I love you, maybe I dont want to hear it.I just want to be loved.Missed.Cared about.Maybe I am spoiled. But only because of him.And If he missed me, loved me, cared about me, hed be here talking to me.Working things out. I love him. I care about him. I miss him. More than anything, I need him.