6-22-03-Sunday
It's only 2 and today sux.Me n Josh got in another fight again (i think).I donno Im so sick of it though. Hes been actin weird...it started w/ him takin off the profile thing, he said something about with it people said he was gay...yah well people said I was obsessed and I still kept it up cuz he means a lot to me.I donno.I guess I shouldnt care...I just liked it.It was something I could look at and be assured he still liked me.Now his profile is blank. :-/.Not great to look at and think about. I donno if he realizes i think about it...but I do.And i donno if that means hes trying to break up with me or what.So i donno if I should try to fix everything or not.I dont wanna be some dumbass and be all nice to him when he's about to break up with me. I've been through that before and I still hate myself for it.How could I have NOT seen he didnt still like me? I held that against him for a long time, but he probably didn't know it because I never tell him when Im mad.I keep thinkin that if he does break up with me, maybe we're better apart...but then I know I'm still completely in love with him and if I was myself maybe he still would be with me.But I cant be myself when he's mad at me/ doesnt like me. I really miss it though. I don't know what it feels like to be liked anymore. Everything I say, he shoots me down for it. I think maybe if i just shut up our relationship would be better, but if I say nothing 1.Im not being myself and 2.he gets mad at me anyway.I guess the main thing about the profile is, I didnt know anyone would have the guts to ever take it down because we've had it for a really, really long time. And now that he did have the guts to take it down it really kinda seems like a hint of "im taking drastic measures cuz i really dont wanna be with u anymore" and of course Im not gonna tell him I wish it was still up cuz its really dumb to care so much about a profile and then he might put it back up even though he doesn't want to which would be as bad as him going out with me even though he doesnt like me anymore.I don't think he has any idea how much I like him. He also keeps tellin me all this stuff about Kara that he probably knows I dont wanna hear like he stayed up til 4 talkin to her.wow...that really sounds like our record doesnt it? I donno.He probably stayed up later talkin to her.It seems like the only reason he stays on longer than he used is because she's on and she's worth talking to.And he keeps tellin me these other people are cool. Girls. I guess I dont really care except once I said this guy was kool and he got mad....so if he feels that why would he say that about sum1 else if he thinks its wrong?I donno.It seems like he used to be like infatuated by me and I know Im still by him..and thats what made the profile happen. It seems like he doesn't care much anymore.And he KNOWS I hate Shmotkins, and he told me he deleted the screename to make me feel better...then he promptly gets on that screenname probably just to annoy the hell out of me and then asks me "why r you actin so funky?" I told him I was about to ask him the same question and he tells me he doesnt want to deal with this anymore and signs off. Does that mean he broke up with me? I mean, he KNOWS to always say bye and I love you.But he hasn't been a lot lately. I feel like Im the only one who ever wants to work things out, and he just wants to hurt me. He knows he's hurting me.He's been off for about an hour and a half now, Ive just been sitting here waiting for him to get back on. I said something about a picture "where her hand is it looks like its his ear" and he said "not really".ok....Im entitled to my opinion .... and he is entitled to his but he used to always find a way to agree with me.Not anymore. Im wrong. Hes right. Always.Yesterday he asked me if I was spoiled.Well, thanks.That makes me feel great. He also told me I neglect him. He said he was just kidding..but it really didn't sound like it. I sure do care a hell of a lot about him to be neglecting him.I was depressed. Not neglecting. I dont think he's ever really known me depressed so maybe he doesnt know how to deal with it. I dont know.But he knows that cat meant a lot to me and it hurt(s).A lot.Just seems like if something dies that's close to you, everyone should be easier on you.No, they just get mad at you when you're not overly happy.He gave me like 2 days to get over it.And yah Im probably giving the impression Im over it, but I thought he knew me well enough to know, for me, its not always what it seems.I think I have the right, for like atleast 3 months, to be as depressed as I want, anytime I want.But Im not because I dont believe in sulking.But I am in the inside.All the time.And I thought with Josh I could bring out the inside like I cant with anyone else. Now I'm not as sure.I know if we break up, the second I see him, I'll be so completely in love again. Nevermind.I'd be that way the whole time we were broken up.I really wish I could hear his side of the story...but if he doesnt even want to say I love you, maybe I dont want to hear it.I just want to be loved.Missed.Cared about.Maybe I am spoiled. But only because of him.And If he missed me, loved me, cared about me, hed be here talking to me.Working things out. I love him. I care about him. I miss him. More than anything, I need him.