Not legit to quit
Topic: Women
They say the hardest part of a pregnancy can be either morning sickness or your hormones. For me, it is morning sickness and the lack of sex.


This was not so for my first time. While the morning sickness was almost as bad, my husband and I could still be intimate up until I was seven months. Pelvic pains and reddish stretch marks (which no amount of olive oil or stretch mark cream could take away) removed my mood completely. Still, it was bearable.

This time around, I had some problems that caused me to bleed whenever we had sex. This was particularly worrying during the first three months but our OBGYNs (a husband-and-wife tag team) assured us that it was simply a matter of what they call 'erosion' (where part of your cervix is exposed due to growth of the baby) and that our baby was fine. They told us we could have sex whenever the bleeding stopped.

The thing was, each time we were intimate, I would start to bleed again. After two times, my husband and I decided that okay, perhaps we should stop having sex until I delivered.

Initially, I thought that would be a difficult thing to do, especially for him. Turns out that it was just as hard for me as well - if not harder.

When I shared this with my girl friends, some of them married but many not, they sniggered and gave me a look as though it were my hormones talking. Perhaps it was, but I also happen to be someone who enjoys sex tremendously. I am comfortable with my body, lard-laden and all, and I have needs, man!

"But you should not do it if it endangers your baby-lah!" said one friend with a hint of disgust, as if I was the most irresponsible, sexually uncontrollable mother in the world.

"You tell me that again when YOU have a baby," I replied.

"Hey, any husband of mine has to waitlah, cannot wait meh?!" she retorted.

"What about you?" I asked. "Don't you have needs?"

"Not me!" was her firm response.

And naturally, a discussion on the possibility of husbands becoming infidel when their wives are with child ensued. To my friends, it was a known fact, despite it never having happened to any of them. I was the closest 'witness' to the allegation since I received many letters about unfaithful husbands, so I was asked to concur. I must admit that the case seems very strong against the men, and I wondered aloud to my husband that evening if he ever felt the need to sleep with another woman just because he did not have sex for a long time.

Predictably, his answer was very quickly placed in the negative.

"Depends on how long though. If you say one, two years, then maybelah," he said.

Now I don't know any couples (and I know quite a few), married or otherwise, who have stopped having sex for a year or more. The longest was about eight months, and the couple has since broken off.

I remember the girl coming to me and lamenting that her boyfriend was not interested in sex anymore. Was he sleeping with someone else, I inquired? She was sure he wasn't since he was still as loving and did not exhibit any extraordinary changes in his lifestyle. He was home every day at 7pm after work and they spent every moment away from work together. He was just not in the mood. For eight months. Thing was, I believed her because I knew her boyfriend for quite a while as well, and he was just not the kind who cheated because he was crazy about her.

Because of this, she ended up cheating on him with two friends. She regrets it of course, but she blames the lack of sex. Eight months was the deal breaker for her.

So my question is this: While a taboo subject for many of us, sex, or the lack of it, is a subject more legitimate than we'd like to think. Of course, I'm talking about intimate sex between two people in love (and not the casual stuff). If this is so, then can you end a relationship because of lack of sex?

Sex for those in love, or those in a marriage, is an act of intimacy and bonding. It is healthy for our bodies and our minds, and of course, our hearts. As such, a low libido is a cause for concern. If we don't make love, how do we continue to love?

If non-consummation can be cause for a marriage to be nullified (if I can remember my family law), can you break up with your mate, without fault or prejudice, because of lack of sex? Each person has his or her ups and downs, so everyone has down time, but what constitutes a reasonable length of down time to make it solid evidence that something is wrong with your relationship? Two months, or two years? If so, how do old couples like our parents (ugh) continue to make it without?

What if your 70-year old husband comes to you for a divorce because you haven't had sex in a decade?

I am happy to report though, that my husband and I have decided to break our little rule a month ago, and after a few 'trials', I am fine, our baby is fine and we're happy. More so because in another month, I'll be in my third trimester and sex then will not only be uncomfortable, but worrying as well.

See, I AM thinking about my baby. But I have to think of me too!


JENNIFER TAI WRITES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND FIRST-TIME MOTHERHOOD ON MSN.COM.MY'S WOMEN'S CHANNEL EVERY WEEK. SHE WELCOMES MAILS AT JENN@JENNEMEDE.COM AND DISCUSSIONS AT MSN.COM.MY'S WOMEN COMMUNITY BOARDS.

One woman's quest to attract guys.
Topic: Women
Is it possible to learn how to become irresistibly attractive to the opposite sex? To read a textbook, get expert instruction, then -- voila -- turn into a man magnet? For the sake of journalism (and, um, dates) I signed myself up for the optimistically titled class "Be a Man Magnet: How to Attract Any Man You Desire -- Guaranteed." Guaranteed! How could I lose?

So I handed over 50 of my hard-earned bucks for a chance to make myself more alluring. As it happened, I was not the only one on a quest; in fact, I barely got a seat. About 30 women of all ages sat alertly around long tables in the Learning Annex headquarters in New York City, waiting to be enlightened. Most of them were not quite the type to stop traffic, but there were plenty of normal, fairly attractive women. So why were we all there?

That's a fairly easy question to answer. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that the Big Apple dating scene is not exactly as it's portrayed on "Sex and the City." As one woman pointed out, "The only men I meet are gay, stupid or just plain ugly." In other words, it's rough out there -- no matter where you live -- so what single woman couldn't use a little professional help?

Lesson #1: The "it" factor
Our instructor introduced herself as Jacqueline Sussman, founder of the Imagery Training Center of New York. Shouldn't she be founder of the Flirting Institute or something? I wondered to myself. A 52-year-old blonde, Sussman began with a discourse on the nature of sensuality, referring to it as "an energy, an aura, an emanation -- the It." Fair enough. I can get my head around that idea. After all, there is this certain crush of mine who simply oozes "It," with his mass of dark corkscrew curls and a smile that makes me melt. But then Sussman abruptly pulled me out of my reverie with her questionable assertion that in the mating ritual, it is the woman who sends out "the It" to the man, and that is the only way it works. If a woman sees "It" in a man, it's a turnoff to him. It's genetic, she insisted. But what about my crush? Here enters my skepticism. I'm all for equal opportunity "It."


Lesson #2: Think below the belt
Our man-magnet leader shared a story of how she walked into a restaurant and went completely unnoticed by every single male patron there. But when she walked through the restaurant again on a return trip from the ladies' room, she visualized a certain something and boom, "every man in the restaurant turned his head to look at me." What's that "certain something," that magical vision sure to reel 'em in like nobody's business? She instructed us to "see that you have a womb and an opening to that womb shaped like a phallus. You have both. You are everything. You are the universe." In other words, think vagina.

I suppose that such a loopy practice might have some merit: Think of yourself as a sexual being and others will see you as sexy. Yet I can't really picture myself saddling up to the bar, ordering a pint, scoping out my prospects -- all while thinking pink. My theory: The truth is much more mundane, and in order to be attractive to the opposite sex, you must simply be cute and funny and smart and outgoing.

Lesson #3: Imagine yourself attractive
Sussman's final nugget of man-snagging advice revolved around "eidetic imaging" exercises. We were instructed to think about a succession of scenes and let them play themselves out in our mind's eye. We brought forth images of our parents, exes, potential boyfriends, early masturbation experiences -- all to shed light on our own sexuality and relationship skills. The point being, these exercises help you find a better version of yourself, a more confident you who will attract men more readily. "Like bees to honey," she said. Uh-huh.

The results
I left the class skeptical but oddly hopeful about my dating potential. Not because the class really taught me anything, but because it reminded me what I already knew: If you think you deserve a man, he shall come.

And lo and behold, I was right. A few days later, I exited my apartment on my way to work. It was a blindingly sunny day and in keeping with its gorgeousness, I saw him not 20 yards away. My "It" boy. I stopped on my doorstep and stared at him for a while, willing him to notice me. A more confident me, you see. After a few seconds, he did, smiling widely and waving at me. I felt like a million bucks. I had done it! I was a man magnet! And amazingly, I had not thought about eidetic imagery once. I walked to work feeling certain that I did not need any stupid class to attract a man.