The Stalker's Christmas Wish List
1. A good pair of binoculars
2. The soundtrack of "I'll be Watching You"
3. A large black van
4. Card board for the windows of the van
5. Long distance camera
6. Duct Tape
7. High tech, yet easily portable video equipment
8. "Silence of the Lambs"
9. Phone Book
10. Camouflage
SILLY STORY 23
Melty the Snowman
This is a story about a snowman named Melty. He was named Melty because, well uite frankly he was melting. He was made on cold December day in southern Illinois, where the weather was very spratic. That morning it had been below freezing. But as the day drew on it was getting warmer and warmer.
Melty was an odd looking fellow. He had been built by college students. For this reason he had two rocks for eyes, no scarf, a Styrofoam bowl for a hat, a shoelace for a mouth, no nose and a small carrot in the center of his bottom ball.
Melty knew he would never survive in such warm conditions so he headed for the air port. He disguised himself as a real human by stealing some clothes off a man on the street. Unfortunately he couldn't wear pants and his erect little carrot stood in plain view.
Melty stole somebody;s ticket and hopped on a plane determined to make it to the north pole where he could live forever. Unfortunately Melty couldn't read. SO he had no idea he had stolen a plane ticket for the Bahamas. He was shrinking by the minute.
When the plane landed and Melty ran out into the bright sunshine he began to melt even faster. However Melty was not sad. There are few snowmen who ever get to see the beauty of the Bahamas. Melty melted and of coursed died a very happy snowman. Amongst the rocks and a lone shoelace stood very up right a small pointed carrot. That was all that was left of the determined snowman. His styrofoam hat had blown away...
The End
Moral: Rob some people and fly to the Bahamas and die happy.
Happy Holidays!
Responses:
WOW! that is the best moral EVER!!! I really felt that one...right here...—danny
loved the stalkers wish list, it was wonderful. Lemme tell ya, i know about these things, too! I think you should make a story about matt's magical land of gayity, although it doesnt have to be called matts., i dunno if i told you about that, but if i didnt, let me know!!!
I liked the moral of the story as well, it fit in nicely!
Marla the great Frist off if you say Yea! one more fucking time in this story i think i would have had to kick you! YEa! any way very "nice" story. --jason I find it very disturbing that the snowman had a small pointed carrot in the middle of his bottom ball. That was VERY disturbing. Plus, he couldn't even put pants on so he would be able to hide it! I am so glad that I did NOT have to see that! Ewww!! I liked the story, but remind me next time if the story is going to be rated Triple X! Tee hee!! ~Krista the cowboy lover~ This story had be cracking up!!! I could just picture melty with his little carrot!!! it's too funny!! we need to make a new melty next time it snows!I think we should save up and start getting this items for our beloved pinky
CDR Jason better calm himself down cause there's no way in hell I would ahve ever let him kick you!!! How dare he even say it! Along with the sock I' m going to have to tie his feet up
CDRR
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Ah so we are off again. Another Monday approaches and one thought lingers in my mind... I have to leave the house and enter the harsh harsh world of the sale frenzy public. My only true fear is that in the process of being cut off my self I will cut off some dear old woman who will track me down and beat me to death with her sales ad...She will then wear a red dress to my funeral because my death made her miss grabbing the last clearance sweater in size 'saggy arm pits.' "It's a dangerous thing Frodo, stepping out your front door"-Bilbo.
Disgruntled Postal Worker's Christmas Wish List
1. remotes to all electric dog collars in my neighborhood
2. Cherry bombs
3. Judo Lessons
4. a very sharp letter opener
5. good running shoes
6. My own "return to sender" stamps
7. The work schedules of certain husbands
8. The personal address of the weather man
9. a gun
10. The song "Smooth Criminal" Silly STORY! 24
Dudley the Deranged Elf
On Christmas Eve all the little elves in Santa's workshop were busy at work putting finishing touches on the toys and wrapping last minute gifts. Well all the elves except Dudley. Dudley wasn't aloud to make toys on such an important day. Dudley had the tendency to make anatomically correct Barbies and GI Joes, Jack in the boxes that had no Jack, and bouncy balls that always bounced into crotches. (among other things)
Some of the other elves were outside frolicking and playing with the reindeer, to relieve some stress before the big night. but not Dudley. Dudley had a tendency to pee his name in the snow and spank the reindeer with pine tree branches. No Dudley was a bad elf. He was kept in the basement of the workshop all Christmas eve where he dreamed about being a dentist and played with himself.
This Christmas, Dudley told himself things would be different. So just before Santa was to ride off in his sleigh Dudley brived the elf guarding his door with chocolate and hid beneath the sleigh. At Santa's first stop in Green Land Dudley snuck out and ran away. He was happy in green land. He met some hookers and soon became a pimp. Every one found him quite eerie with his small height and high voice.
One day Dudley met a ho who's uncle printed fake licenses. Dudley soon became a licensed dentist very illegally. Of course no one would go to him be cause he was creepy looking and did a horrible job on teeth. However Dudley was happy. He thought he was a dentist, even though he had no patients and he was rich because he was a pimp. He lives there still to day, still happy, still deranged.
The End
Moral: Avoid short high voiced dentist who refer to their nurses as "Hey ho" and greet you as "Wasup Bitch"
.
Responses:
I think i would be very disturbed by the anatomically incorrect barbie,, like are we talking she has certain parts that lil girl barbies shouldnt have??? ya, that would be tramuatizing. and as for the anatomically correct barbie wtf?? people, dont be jealous of barbie, no you cant ever be as good as barbie, but dont hate her for it. dont be hatein. What if in a jack in the box out popped a death threat, or maybe even a soft pink bunny. i think the soft pink bunny would frighten me. Who the hell would ne expecting that????
spanking reindeer isnt bad, just be gentle!
Moral: dont eat yellow snow; spank often --marla
I directly resent this story HO! --jason I find this story very disturbing. I will forever be scared of a pimp that is short and has a high voice! You have caused me many nightmares over this story. I am so scared....please...help me. ~krista the cowboy LOVER~ good for him for following his dreaming...and I think him and the other pimp should join forces to becoming the pimping duo!!!! They would be unstoppable. I think pinky could use alot of this items too...maybe if some at corps!
CDR jason is stupid for resenting the story!
I think marla is right people should hate barbie just because she's perfect...ps I think the new pt crusier looks like a barie car and I want it!
CDRR
well I've survived so far anyway... hmm Ok Ok I don't really have a lot to say this time so I'll cut right to the chase!
Santa's Secret Christmas Wish List
1. A trip to the Caribbean
2. Some "sexy Santa" lingerie for Mrs. Claus
3. Rocket Powered Reindeer
4. Long johns that don't ride up so darn much
5. Coffee instead of warm milk to be set out
6. Taller elves
7. Beard Trimming kit (complete with nose hair trimmers)
8. Bigger chimney shoots
9. Bathing suit for trip to Caribbean
10. Adam Sandler's Haunika Song Silly Story 25
Rudolph's Revenge
Do you recall the most famous reindeer of all? Rudolph the red nosed reindeer? Yes I believe we all know that story. But I am going to tell you a story that Santa himself may not even know...
We all know how Rudolph was ridiculed by all the other reindeer and how he wasn't allowed to play any reindeer games. Unfortunately Rudolph didn't take it lying down. No Rudolph got his revenge.
First Rudolph slipped laxatives in all the other reindeer's chow. Then he sent them fake letters from Santa saying they should wait in Santa's bed room and not come out until they were told no matter what. While they were in there pooping on Santa's things Rudolph put itching powder in their hay.
Then Rudolph made a call to Mother Nature and bargain and pleaded and of course got her drunk so that a big storm would hit on Christmas Eve. On Christmas eve the storm hit right on schedule. Of course Rudolph's nose was the only hope of getting through such a terrible storm. To make extra sure of his acceptance he drugged the other reindeer so that they would be very happy for him. Of course no one noticed how naturally giddy they were any way.
Over the course of the night he made sure to get every one extremely drunk so that they would never be quite sure what did happen that night.
So that's the truth behind Rudolph kids. Hate to spoil the fun, but someone had to do it.
The End Moral: Some times getting other's drunk does pay off, but only if you have a shinny nose.
.
Responses:
is there going to be a rush at the plastic surgery line for noses this Christmas?-Danny
i think santas wish list is pretty much right on target!
DRINKING IS BAD KIDDIES, i know none of you are 21!!!!
Ill have to put on my bad lil police girl outfiet and come after you all, and YES i do own handcuffs—marla
Do you think that if I waxed my nose.... any way cute story dear i like it -- Jason Just as dudley the deranged elf scared me, this one scared me even further. I do not like this one! I thought Rudolph was good. If the truth hurts, then I don't want the truth. Ahhhh!!! I just want to live under my rock! I want my rock!! Boo-hoo! Waaaaaaahhh! ~Krista the girl who needs a cowboy to protect her from the evils in the world~
Meagan,
I love the christmas lists and jokes! Keep up the good work!(krista) I toally agree with santa...we need taller people in the world! Wear plateforms
Wow I think this is a real eye opener for the rudolph lovers of the world...but there are some good ideas for how to get back at people...good job
CDR
I think jason should try to wax his entire body then maybe he would disappear
drinking is not bad it's fun...but I still wanna see the naughty outfit!!
CDRR
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Oh Christmas is so near!! I'm so excited and I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think I like it,. Oh any way I have a tremendous headache! grr. but enjoy...
In exchange for a chistmas list I offer jokes......
Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.
What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff?
He gets snowflakes
What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!
How Marci Saved Christmas
Marci is a penguin. And as we all know penguins are the greatest birds on earth. Everyone is always talking about reindeer and elves and what not but they always forget to mention Marci, Santa's pet penguin. Did you know she saved christmas? WEll she did.
You see one cold december evening a few years back, Santa said that he was rather fed up with the whole idea of giving preseants. HE said his arthritis hurt and he wanted to get away and relax for once. The problem was he wanted to leave the next day for a week. It was the 23rd which means Santa would have missed Christmas.
No one could covince Santa to stay. He had his bags packed and was deternined to leave. Marci marched right in sat on top of his bag and proceeded to talk him out ofit. She reminded him of all the good he brought to the world and how disappointed everyone would be if he didn't show. She also offered him $20 and a new hat.
OF course santa stayed and put off his vacation. All thanks to Marci. Thank you Marci. the end
moral: all you ever need is a little love, $20 and a new hat.
Responses:
:) all we need is a little love, and $20. That makes us all sound like prostitutes --marla I love this story! And as Marla said in her response, the moral does kinda sound like it comes from the mind of a prostitute. Not saying that prostitutes are bad b/c in reality they are smart. I mean making a living out of something that they love, well...enough about that! Good job! Go Marci! I would like 20 but I don't wear hats...although I could use more flip flops no one ever has enough flip flops...and gold star for marci for saving x-mas. Ok so you know Eric's dog Karma...I think this would almost be her list! She LOVES scooby snacks! That how I taught her "mommy kisses"
CDR I don't think the moral sounds like it's from a hooker...so one time in third grade this kid called me a hooker cause he didn't know what it meant...he thought it meant someone who wore hooks on a hat...not that I was doing that mind you...I didn't like that kid
CDRR
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well here we are again. Christmas is even closer now. Yes that's right it's Christmas eve EVE! Woo. I'm a bundle of nerves! I've been painting ordiments and debateing baking cookies yet again... hmm well anyhoo here we go another fun filled story
Scooby Doo's Christmas Wish List
1. Scoobie Snacks
2. Life time supply of gift certificates to Subway, Quiznos,...
3. a scarf that matches my collar
4. more scoobie snacks
5. A device gaurenteed to scare ANY monstar/ghost away
6. a scoobie snack maker
7. pizza
8. a vaction from mysteries
9. a girlfriend
<10> did I mention scoobie snacks? SILLY YORTS 27
One More Time Marco
There once was a fella named Marco. He wished that every day would be Christmas. However unlike all those other stories were a person wishes this and it comes true Marco's wish did not come true. Nope. It didn't indeed. So Marco decided that he would keep the one day of Christmas to last as long as possible.
So Marco got up early on Christmas and stared at the tree until his family woke up. He then insisted that they each open only one present at a time and every one watch. When ever it was MArco's turn he would go as slow as possible and them tell a story about each gift.
3 hours later it was time to get ready to go to his grandma's house. On the way there Marco insited stopping in front of every house with decorations on it to get a picture. He was chased by three dogs, 2 cats, 5 men with guns, 4 woman with brooms, 2 little boys with snowballs and a jewish man with a candle.
one hour and three blocks later they finally arrived at his grandma's house. He repaeted the same riff with the preseants he received there. He also insisted that every one chew each bite of the christmas dinner 100 times. He went around and counted. Then when the caroling began he'd call out "one more time!" After singingt the tweleve days of Christmas 30 times everone sat down and watched Christmas speacial late into the night.
Maroc's parents had to hog tie him and put him in the car to get him home. This is when he tried to get everyone to sing the 12 days of Christmas "just one more time!" After being forced to swallow several sleeping pills MArco drifted off to sleep. h awoke early again however and went to the mall. He got the home address of the mall santa and held him at gun point and made him sit in the center of the mall. He also threated to shoot any one who dare take down a decoration. He also crossed off the word "after" on all the "after christmas sale" signs.
soon Marco was arrested and charged with numerous things. Even in jail Marco tried to sing carols with the gaurds and scratched a christmas tree on to his cell wall. Marco was in jail till Halloween. When he got out he decided he was tierd of Christmas and that Halloween would be a much better holiday to hold all year round...
The End
moral : Nothing lasts forever but somethings can be stretched...espeacially if you have a gun.
Acting on hurt feelings may stop much more than time; it may electrocute you to.
Responeses:This was a very interesting story. I especially love the part where Marco held the mall Santa at gun point! That would be hilarious! Ha ha ha! I, like Marco, wish x-mas would last forever and ever!! I love x-mas b/c I get presents and I get to hang out w/ my family!! Good story! I hope Marco's wish comes true!-Krista
I agree that it would be funny to see a mall santa held at gun point but only if it wasn't a real guns cause that's just mean!! No wonder the real santa tried to quit he was scared!! CDRR
Marco gets a gold star for being so determined but then I had to take it away cause he went crazy CDR
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12/31/02 the last day of 02... hmmm all the resolutions and what not... yawn Mine is to not be such a bum... any way let's get on with life eh?
SOLLY STIRY 28
The New Year Bug
Fritz was a bug. He was actually more like a computer virus as far as time was concerned. You see Fritz lived in the same domain as Father Time. In fact Fritz lived under the very clock that kept the world spinning always into the future. If any thing were to happen to the clock time would stand still and forever be stuck in the year 2001. (yes this took place last year)
Fritz was usually a friendly bug though he kept to himself. It seems that there was never anything that someone could do to piss Fritz off. But on day some thing happened that depressed Fritz so much that his sorrow turned to rage and he vowed to destroy The Clock.
Fritz flew right up the long shaft of the grandfather like clock. He dodged the tick tocker and squeezed through the cracks to the very mechanics of the clock. Fritz lifted up the life wire of the clock and clutched it between his teeth. The minute hand was only seconds way from changing from 11:59 2001 to 12:00 2002. If Fritz was to kill the clock on the verge of a year change all hope would forever be lost.
HE began to press down the wire began to zap him a little then suddenly he stopped. He heard a noise coming from out side. It was faint at first... but slowly grew louder. It wasn't Auld Lang Sine but Happy Birthday to Fritz. Fritz flew from the wire and straight out the face of the clock. All his bug friends and Father Time himself were standing there with presents and balloons and a great big birth day cake.
You see what it was that upset Fritz so much was that he thought that every one had forgotten his birthday. He was going to keep the date December 31st until someone remembered. The big tones of the clock signaled the New year 2002. Fritz was over joyed. Even though his birthday was over it had not been forgotten and time could move on!
The End
The Moral: Remembering late is better than forgetting.
Replies:This is a very good story! I feel bad for Fritz thinking that everyone forgot his b-day. As all of us who have seen the movie SIXTEEN CANDLES knows, having your b-day forgotten is VERY bad. At least Fritz didn't have to worry about screwed up relatives and an Asian man called Long Duck Dong! Keep up the good work Meagan! Have a happy Halloween everyone! ~Krista the wannabe cattle rancher b/c maybe she will find a cowboy that way~
Speaking of Fritz, there's this crazy girl on my floor named Lisa Fritz, but we just call her Fritz.....anywho, her away message right now says "Definition of fritz: doesn't work properly. Gee, that explains a lot!" Hehe, I just found that humorous. Kyla
Boo on people that forget your birthday or don't get you something for christmas not that I'm mentioning names...yeah for fritz having loving friends CDR
...
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