Titanic Parody Starring THE ROCK!

Rose: Ooh yes, Titanic was truly the ship of dreams. Except for the third class passengers. I guess Titanic was the ship of wet dreams for them. I was forced into an engagement with an evil, rich, white man. That's not what I wanted in my life. My heart longed for an evil, rich, half-black, half-samoan man. I've met plenty of evil, rich, blacks and samoans. But never a half-black, half-samoan, with sufficient income, and being reasonably evil.

Flashback to early 1970, the day Titanic set out for sea.

Rock: Out of the way, jabronie. The Rock is the best damn king of the world... there ever was. Where the hell is McMahon? He sends the Rock to roody poo jolly old England and can't even buy the Rock a plane ticket home. Oh yeah, it's 1970. Planes aren't invented yet. And McMahon isn't born yet. What the hell is the Rock talking about?

Jabronie: Fongul!

Rock: Hold up there, jabroness. If you jump off the ship, the Rock is going to have to find a floatation device to throw at you, and probably get his $500 shirt dirty in the process. The Rock can see you're not a stupid piece of trash. It would be a shame to ruin both you and the Rock's $500 shirt. Let the Rock put down his microphone and pull your candy-ass back over the rail.

Rose: That's a $500 shirt? I see you're evil. Does the Rock happen to be half-black and half-samoan?

Rock: The Rock's father can dunk a basketball and the Rock's mother can eat a basketball, if you smell what the Rock is cooking.

Rock: There's no better way to sell out than with a beautiful white broad on my right and a big, fat, rich, pig on my left.

Rose: Why don't we go down to third class and dance in our expensive clothing and make the jabronies jealous?

Rock: It wouldn't be the first time the Rock preformed in front of a bunch of trailer park trash. Hey pig, there's a buffet straight ahead. Why don't you lay the smack down on its all-you-can-eat ass?

Rock: You dance like one of the clapping jabronies. You have to put your elbow into it like the Rock. Now watch as the Rock performs the most electrifying move in sports-entertainment.

Rose: What's sports-entertainment?

Rock: Just a nice way of saying pro-wrestling. It's like saying mentally challenged instead of retarded, if you smell what the Rock is cooking.

Rose: When I extend my arms, I feel like I'm flying. Try it, Rock.

Rock: Oh, I'm extended.

Rose: Watch it with that thing. You'll send me over the railing.

Rock: The Rock is just defending the ship by jousting any on-coming icebergs.

Rock: Uh, oh. Shields down. The Rock is going to need 20 minutes to recharge, captain. In the meantime, why don't we find a room where the Rock can exhibit his world champion wrestling skills. Hopefully the Rock will exceed the time limit and not have to resort to an electrifying move, if you smell what the Rock is cooking.

Evil, rich, white guy: He calls it the corporate eyebrow. No, it goes like this. Have the ring set up and get my tights. It's time to, how does he say it? Ahh, lay down the smack. Soon the Rock will be the one known as the strombolie. Muhuahahahah. Eeexxccellent.

Rose: Your drawings of the Godfather's ho's are very beautiful, Rock. I can't believe they let you watch them do that to a midget. Will you draw me like that Rock?

Rock: The Rock reluctantly accepts your offer to get naked. But keep your legs together. The Rock doesn't want to smell what you're douching.

Rose: I'm surprised you're not blushing, Rock.

Rock: The Rock has seen plenty of naked white women before. That comes with the territory of being a national champion at Miami. Besides, all the Rock's blood is located in the corporate crotch right now.

Rock: Not only is the Rock taking Leonardo Di, Damn, Caprio's livelyhood, he's pissing all over Leonardo Di, Damn, Vinci's grave with this masterpiece. The Rock has been charming your candy-ass all day. It says on the Rock's Rolex it's time for Rose to spread.

Rock: BBWWWWAAAAaaahhhh! The Rock knows your hole.
Rose: I thought the Rock had a corporate crotch? That was more of a small-town, mom-and-pop business crotch?
Rock: The Rock is glad he didn't hear that.

Rock: The Rock says, know your role, shut your mouth, and I think my load blew a hole in the ship's hull.
Guy that's getting wet: Tell the captain the ship is going down! And ask him if I still have to clean up the puke and piss left by the Irish down below.

Rose: The ship is going to sink and there's not enough life boats for the trailer park trash!
Rock: Hey, you're the one that hollered, "Pull out."
Rose: Now what do we do?
Rock: Set up an adoption agency for all the soon-to-be orphaned pink flamingos.
And notify Kool-Aid that there is going to be a serious dent in their sales next quarter.

Evil, Rich white guy: Mr. Rock, it has come to my attention that, because of your doing, this ship will sink and the poor passengers will be sent to a cold, watery grave. Very nice work, I must say. We'd have made a fine tag team, you and I, hadn't you bung my fiancee.
Rose: How do you know about that?
Evil, Rich white guy: I saw the drawing in your chamber. You said, "Do me, Rock." I cannot stand idley by as another man does my fiancee, even if she asks for it on paper. You took something of mine, Rock. Now it's time for me to take something of yours. I challenge you to a match for your WWF heavyweight championship belt. I'll even put up my worthless ECW heavyweight championship belt, which I won in my first wrestling match ever. If you do not accept my challenge, I will expose the secret compartment on the ship that holds more than enough life-boats to save every poor person on the Titanic.
Rock: Then the Rock has no choice. Where is the ring?
Evil, Rich white guy: In the third class section, deep in the bowels of the ship. Appropriately, the poor and smelly wrestling fans are waiting there. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are at ringside for commentary. The Oddities and Headbangers are booked in the undercard. There's no ICP, which is a shame because I would've used my influence to make sure they went down with the ship.
Rock: Michael Cole? That stupid piece of trash is commentating a Rock match?
Evil, Rich white guy: That is indeed unfortunate. We will have to make due with no Jim Ross for the time being. Make no mistake, however, my influence will be used to keep Michael Cole off future WWF programming. Mwuhahahahah!
Rock: Eeexxccellent.

Cole: Here we are at In Your House: Dead Sea. Rock, your match against the evil, rich, whi...
Rock: Shut up, you stupid piece of trash. Go wait to die somewhere else, away from the Rock. Listen here, you evil piece of rich white trash. The Rock is going to lay the smackdown on your monkey ass, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. To be the man, you got to beat the man, woooo, wait that's not it. I'm the best there is, the best there was, that ain't it either. Here it is. Do you smellllllllllll what the Rock is cooking?

Evil, rich, white guy: Rock, to make sure the best man wins, my stooge will accompany me to ringside. He will bring his gun with him to make sure you don't try any funny business. I make my own luck. I always win, Rock. I al....(Audio goes out due to technical difficulties)

Michael Cole: That's right, kids. You'll have loads of fun with Bop-It! We're back at ringside. King, how many vibrators and gerbils did you say were shoved into Sexual Chocolate?

King: Hold that thought, Michael Cole. Here comes the Evil, Rich, White Guy along with his hired goon. The Rock's gonna get the smack down laid upon him. This is great! The Rock will walk out of Titanic's third-class arena the former WWF champion.

Cole: The White One is coming to the ring carrying the ECW heavyweight championship belt, which he won in his first ever match. Shane Douglas was beaten with the ankle-lock submission, or as E.R. Whitey calls it, the tea-party-gone-wrong submission.

King: What was really weird about that match was Shane Douglas got angry afterwards. So angry he started to bitch.

Cole: That IS odd.

Cole: Out comes the World Wrestling Federation champion, the Rock. I can't say that I agree with his motives of wrestling this match. I'm sure those hidden life boats would come in handy when this ship goes under.

King: What are you talking about Cole? The Rock is putting the corporate belt on the line so all the peons on board will die horrible deaths. Could you think of a more noble reason?

Cole: King, I'M going to die a horrible death tonight. You think I don't know everyone prefers me dead?

King: Look at the bright side, Michael Cole. J.R. will be back to commentate in no time. You're always so pessimistic. Look at the peons around you. They all know that most of them will die. Do you see them charging for the life boats? No. It doesn't help anyone to panic.

Cole: I'm going to guess that you have made arrangements for a life boat.

King: Not that you'll benefit from it.

Cole: Oh no! E.R. Whitey jumped the Rock before the bell! He has him in the tea-party-gone-wrong submission!

King: Hahaha! This is perfect, Cole. Not only is the Rock going to be too crippled to win this match, he'll be too crippled to get off the boat before it sinks.

Cole: Earl Hebner is freeing the Rock and ordering them to take the battle into the ring.

Cole: The Rock slams his opponent to the mat.

King: His hat fell off! Aah!

Cole: The Rock is setting him up for the corporate elbow. The crowd is on their feet. He's bouncing of the ropes...

King: No!

Cole: The Rock gave the Corporate elbow to the hat!

King: Hey! That hat was worth more than this entire ship. Whitey isn't going to let the Rock get away with that.

Cole: The Rock just threw him into the steel steps. This match has been totally dominated by the Corporate champion. The great white hope has been thrown back into the ring for more corporate punishent.

King: The Rock is motioning to someone in the back. What's he doing?

Cole: I think I hear engines revving. Is the ship starting up again? Wait a second! Two men are running to the ring. I can't see, who are they, King?

King: It's trailer park trash!

Cole: It's the D.O.A.! I think they want to know the location of the hidden life boats! Skull, or 8-Ball, is attacking the evil, rich, white guy! He punches him, stomps him, another punch, another stomp! This action is getting too hot for me to call. Punch, punch, stomp, stomp. He elbows him in the head!

King: Hey, all the peons are fleeing to get outside the ship's arena. Where are they rushing off to?

Cole: They're all heading to the life boats, King! It's a mad rush to get away from another boring D.O.A. match. I gave these people credit for staying calm while this ship sinks, but the D.O.A. sent them in a panic to get off the boat!

King: There's room on the boats for less than half of the people on Titanic. Those who don't make it are doomed to witness Skull and 8-Ball kick and punch until the bitter end. Watching those two are like a thousand knives stabbing you at once. You can't breath, you can't think. The only thing you can think about is the pain. On that note, good luck, Michael Cole. I'm off to the King's private boat. McMahon wants you to stay here and commentate on the D.O.A. situation. I think it's a fine way to show your loyalty to the company. Oh, and when you're floating at the top of the arena, be sure to plug Totally Twister before the water covers your head.

Cole: Hold up, King. Put on your headset, they're saying your boat was just taken over by a couple of rich fat pigs.......Yep, I guess that means you stay here to plug Castrol GTX just before your lungs get filled with some Atlantic Ocean.

King: Wha..? Ahh! I can't get my crown wet! Ah, screw it. The King is going out in glory. I need to go find a little girl and rip off...

Cole: ...a seat on a boat through pity, by pretending to be her loving father?

King: Uhhh, you got the loving part right, Michael Cole.

Rock: I hope your mother gets off this boat safely, Rose.

Rose: Aww, that's sweet.

Rock: She's holding the Rock's $500 shirt for him. If that shirt gets wet, this event will be remembered in the history books as a huge disaster.

Rose: I don't see any more life boats, Rock!

Rock: The Rock is now regretting calling out those two jabronies to finish off your fiancee.

Rose: I bet you also regret stopping to slap Michael Cole one last time before he dies, huh?

Rock I didn't say that.

Rose: Hey, Rock. This is where we first met.

Rock: What the hell are you talking about, you crazy bitch! Don't you know we're all going to die? For a second there I thought you were going to tell the Rock a way he could avoid being plunged into the ice cold water. Know your role, shut your, mouth, and hold me.

Rock: Let go of the Rock's railing. You're swamping the boat. Do you want it to sink?

Rock: The Rock says, the Rock says, the Rock says, this water is co, co, cold.

Rose: Don't leave me, Rock. I'll never let go.

Rock: Why don't you get off the raft and let the Rock float for a while.

Rose: Hell no. Go find your own piece of wood, you stupid piece of trash.

Rock: The Rock...uhh...can see the....light. Damn. Forgot the Rock's shades...guhh...Time for the Rock to hit...Rock Bottom...(glub,glub,glub)

Umbrella Boy: What's you're name ma'am?
Rose: Rose, Rose Maivia.
Umbrella Boy: What's that in your hand?
Rose: It's a 129 karat diamond. It's worth millions and the only thing I have left.
Umbrella Boy: Are you going to sell it?
Rose: No, I'm going to work my ass off every day till I'm a hundred, and then dump it into the ocean so my grandchildren will have to work every day to their a hundred.
Umbrella Boy: You don't have to be sarcastic.

Rock: Hey, ho, what the hell? Oh yeah, the old bitch is dreaming about the Rock again. Thanks for not appearing in your current state like that last time. I see time has laid the smack down on your memory because my head has been on a puny white boy's body for damn near the whole story. Hey, I think it's nice that you're dreaming of the Rock and everything, but next time lets go to Burger King or the Great Wall of China. Titanic is the last place I want to be, due of some personal reasons. You stupid piece of trash.