When we married, I had a son Shane age 4 and Mike had a daughter Christy age 3. We have two daughters together, Jennie 15 and Laurie 10.
We thought life was great. I mean we have had our ups and downs like everyone else, our share of pain. My Dad was killed in a car accident in Sept. of 95, just as we were beginning to heal, Mike's Dad died of kidney disease in Jan. of 96 and if that wasn't enough, his Mom died in July of 96 of cancer. We were numb, trying to deal with our pain. If we had only known what was to come!
In August of 96, Shane told us we were going to be grandparents! Once we got over the shock, we were thrilled. We did worry because he and Tabitha were so young to be having a baby. Then a few weeks later, we found out it was twins! We were all thrilled. Well, the little darlings were born April 12, 1997. Life was so good again. The next six and a half months were great. Shane, Tabitha and the twins lived with us for a while. Then we helped them to buy a trailer and put it in our yard. It was so nice having them so close, we were running in and out of each others homes all the time. I was so proud of my son and his little family. They were just starting out and had so much to look forward to.
Then on Oct. 27, 1997, it all came to an end. This wonderful life we all shared was no more. Shane was murdered! Not an accident, not taken by illness, but MURDERED! I think back on that night, it started out so good. We had all ate dinner together at my Mom's (she also lives next door). Shane was in a good mood, the first thing he asked me when I got to my Mom's was did I have about $1,500.00 that I wouldn't miss for a while! He needed it for tools for school. I thank God my Mom and I told him we would help him get it. We ate and then he played around with his sisters and his daughters. Then he and I talked about a sixteen year old boy who had been murdered the day before. I remember him saying, "Mom, crime is getting bad everywhere. They will even shoot and kill you for no reason here in Watson (our very small town) two hours later, Shane was shot and killed for no reason, in Watson.
I will never forget, my Mom and Tabitha came running into my house screaming and crying that Shane had been shot and killed!!! I remember being so mad at them, for believing something so stupid! Things like this happened to other people, not us. I went to the scene with them just to prove them wrong, I was calm. I tried to go to the car they said he was in, but no one would let me. Then the sheriff and my brother came to me and told me that it was Shane. I remember PAIN, then darkness, thank God I was dying too. But it was not to be, paramedics brought me back to this pain. The next few weeks are a blur, with some snatches of reality.
As a mother, I have a hard time dealing with the fact that someone held my child's life in their hands. They had the choice to let Shane live or die, and they chose death!
Now as time has passed, I am between reality and denial. Every morning when I get up, I have to face once again that Shane is gone. But then there are days when I don't believe he is, I wait for him to come through the door and call my name. There are times I go to the store and I buy something for him and get home and realize that I can't give it to him. Or I think of something to tell him and realize that I can't do that either. Sometimes I am so afraid I will be 80 years, old, still waiting for my son to come home.
I hear some parents talk about feelings of guilt concerning their child's death, wondering if maybe there was something they could have done to prevent it. It makes me feel maybe I am not normal, because I don't feel this guilt. I talked to Shane about this boy he was with that night, he was 19, I couldn't stop him from being friends with him. People ask me if there is anything I wished I had said to Shane, like I love you. The answer is no. I can't remember if that night I told him I loved him. But it's okay, because the reason I can't remember is because "I love you" is something we said all the time, we probably did say it that night. There was nothing left unsaid between us.
Something that really hurts, is that some of my friends have disappeared. They don't come by or call anymore. I know it is because I make some of them uncomfortable now. Losing a child, or losing someone to murder happens to other people. Now, I am one of the other people group, not one of them any longer. Some are uncomfortable because I talk about Shane a lot. They avoid saying his name, I know it is because I sometimes cry when I hear his name. But I want to tell them, it is okay, they did not make me cry. When you say his name, yes there is sadness because he died, but there is joy because he also lived. He was, is, and always will be part of me, he still lives in my heart. I wish I could tell them one day, I will be the old Judi. But I can't, because I never will be, too much has changed for me. But I will not always be this way either. Someday I will be able to feel happiness again, and if you stick with me, one day I can be that good friend to you again.
Now, about my friends who are still beside me, and you know who you are. I treasure each one of you. Some of you know my pain, you are living it. Some of you don't, and I NEVER want you too. But you are there for me, you help me more than you will ever know! Thank you for your friendship, I don't know what I would do without you helping me to go on.
And to the new friends I have made since Shane's death: Most of you I have never met. You reach out to me through this computer. Your friendship means as much to me as the others do. Though I have never heard your voice or seen your face, you have touched my heart.
My children's pages.
Here are more of my pages.
For My Friends
Articles I Have Written
My Favorite Links
For My Mother
A Tribute To My Grandmother
Forgiveness and Shane's Killer
Angel Moms On Earth
My AMOE Gifts and Webring
I am proud to be a member of AMOE and even more proud to be the Angel Mom of Tylor. To meet this great little guy, click on his name below.
This beautiful gift was given to me by Tylor. Thank you Tylor, I love it!
The beautiful Survivor gift was made for me by Star*Shine.
Please visit her site.
Soul to Soul