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Gorilla in a Tree

Jim woke up one morning to find a gorilla sitting on a branch on the tree in his backyard. He looked through the yellow pages and called a gorilla removal service.
"Is it a male or a female gorilla?" the removal service guy asked.
"I think it's a male," Jim replied.
"No problem! I'll be right there."
Half an hour later the service guy showed up with a stick, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, and a dog. He handed Jim the handcuffs and the shotgun and said: "I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained dog will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."
"OK," Jim said, "But what do I do with the shotgun?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."


H20

A mother and her son were walking down the road.
Suddenly she said: "Look, Johnny, that's a puddle of H2O."
"No," said Johnny, "that’s a puddle of K9P."



Jesus is Watching


A robber broke into the house of a family just after they had left to go to church one evening. He was rummaging through the upstairs rooms when he heard a voice saying: "Jesus is watching you!"
Fearing the family might have come home early, he snuck downstairs. When he didn't see anyone, he continued looking for valuables. Plundering the silver cabinet, he heard the voice again. This time from right behind him: "Jesus is watching you!"
He threw his arms in the air and turned around with his heart pounding. But there was no one there... Except for a little green parrot in a birdcage.
Relieved, the robber chuckled and said : "Hey, birdie! Let me guess! Your name is Jesus."
"Bwak... No," said the bird, "my name is Moses."
"Moses!?!" the robber wondered. "What kind of weirdos name their bird Moses?"
"Bwak... The same weirdos that named their pitbull 'Jesus'."


Swearing Bird


Ben and Jake, two college students, bought a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot was highly intelligent, but all he ever did was swear. He had an amazing vocabulary. He could swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. At first the two room mates thought it was the coolest bird ever, but after days and nights of constant verbal abuse and obscenities, even the students couldn't take it anymore.
"Dude, we're gonna have to teach that bird a lesson," Ben said.
He grabbed the parrot by the neck and stuck him in the refrigerator.
"That'll cool him off a bit!"
For the first few seconds all hell seemed to break loose. The bird kicked and clawed and thrashed. Then suddenly everything was very quiet.
The two students started to worry that the bird might be hurt, so Jake opened the fridge.
The parrot calmly climbed onto Jake's outstretched arm and said in a very polite manner: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
Ben and Jake were totally amazed. They couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.
After a few minutes the parrot asked: "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Rufus


John was excited to finally be asked home to meet the parents of his girlfriend, Betty. Of course he was pretty nervous about the meeting, and by the time John arrived at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner John just couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding, so a tiny little fart escaped.
"Rufus!", Betty’s mother yelled at the dog lying near John’s feet.
Since the dog was getting the blame, John let another, slightly larger one go.
"Rufus!" the mother called out sharply.
"I’ve got it made," John thought to himself. "One more and I’ll feel peachy." So he let loose a thundering big one.
"RUFUS!" shrieked the woman, "Get away from that man before he poops on you!"


Slow talkin


Bob was in love with Nancy, the beautiful young woman across the street. Unfortunately Bob had a speech impediment and she wouldn’t marry him because he talked funny. One day he read about a school on the other side of the country, that might be able to help him overcome his handicap. So he enrolled for four months.
When Bob returned, his buddy Jimmy picked him up at the airport and asked: "So? Was it worth it? Were they able to help you?"
Bob replied: "Well - sort - of. - But - now - I - must - talk - very - slow - and - be - very - careful - to - articulate - words - properly."
Jimmy smiled and said: "Don't worry! Nancy loves you. I'm sure she'll marry you."
Later that night Jimmy dropped Bob off at Nancy's house. But about two hours later Bob rang Jimmy's doorbell.
Jimmy asked: "What are you doing here? Does that mean she's not going to marry you after all?"
Bob answered: "No, - I - don’t - think - so."
"Why? What happened?" Jimmy asked.
Bob explained: "Well, - everything - went - well - at - first. - We - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree, - so - I - tried - to - be - witty - and - said: "Look, - honey, - after - we’re - married, - you - can - do - that - to - me!" - But - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - butt!“

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