Bad Jokes Page
Mommy Mommy Jokes (Digging)
son: Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma!
mom: Shut up and keep digging.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
mom: Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
mom: Shut up and close the coffin!
son: Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on
this golf course?
mom: Shut up and search the sand traps!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
mom: Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
mom: Not today, we already dug her three times this week.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
mom: Shut up and keep digging.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to see daddy again.
mom: Shut up and keep digging.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa now!
mom: Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Can't we give Daddy a decent
burial?
mom: Shut up and keep flushing!
son: Mommy, mommy! I don't want to go to China.
mom: Shut up and keep digging
Mommy Mommy Jokes (Swimming)
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
mom: Shut up or I'll flush it again!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
mom: Shut up son and keep swimming.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England.
mom: Shut up and keep swimming.
son: Mommy, mommy, are you sure this is how to learn to
swim?
mom: Shut up and get back in the sack!
son: Mommy, mommy! how far is America?
mom: Shut up and keep rowing.
son: Mommy, mommy, can I go swimming?
mom: Shut up. You know iron lungs don't float!
Shit lists
DEFENTIONS OF SHIT
GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet.
CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.
WET SHIT: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put
some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
SECOND WAVE SHIT: This happens when you're done shiting and you've pulled your pants up to
your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-SHIT: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you
practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it
into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSEY SHIT: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.
DRINKER SHIT: The kind of shit you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its most noticeable
trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN SHIT: (Self-explanatory)
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-SHIT-SHIT: The kind where you want to shit, but all you do is set on the
toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP SHIT: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you
sideways.
WET CHEEKS SHIT: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt
cheeks get splashed with water.
LIQUID SHIT: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over
the toilet bowl.
MEXICAN SHIT:It smells so badly that your nose burns.
UPPER CLASS SHIT: The kind of shit that has no odor.
THE SURPRISE SHIT: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about to fart but...oops...a
SHIT!!! THE DANGLING SHIT: This shit refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you
are done shiting it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
A "_______" Says....
Taoist - Shit happens.
Confucian- Confucius says shit happens.
Buddhist- If you shit yourself, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhist- Zen is the smell of shit happening.
The Oracle at Delphi- Know your shit.
Jew- Why does this shit always happen to us ?
Hindu- This shit has happened before
Gnostic- I know shit is happening.
Agnostic- Is shit happening ? I dunno.
Catholic- It's your fault that all this shit is happening.
Muslim- It is the will of Allah that shit happens.
Protestant- Shit can happen if I stand for it.
Atheist- I cannot believe this shit is happening.
Krishna- Shit, Shit. Happens, Happens.
Jehovah's Witness- Good afternoon, can I tell you why shit happens ?
Fascist- I say shit happens to you.
Communist- We say shit happens to you.
Nazi- I say shit happens to Untermenschen.
Capitalist- There's money in shit.
Socialist- Hang on, we all produce this shit, .
Republican- Let's stop the shit happening to us.
Democrat- Let's all vote on whether shit can happen to us.
Irish Republican- Shits Out !
Ulster Unionist- Ulster says "No Shit".
Irishman- Sure as long as we're waiting for this shit to happen, were we going for a pint ?
Pint Drinker- Shit'll happen when it's settled.
Dope Smoker- Did shit happen ? Or did we smoke it ?
Whiskey Drinker- As long as it's pure shit, it's fine for me
Joe Strummer- Did you ever notice that "What the hell" is always the right answer ?
