Jerry Springer Crossover
(This is a humorous piece of fiction, don't take it seriously)
Battle of The Undead Ex Lovers
(Audience shouting and cheering, Jerry walks out and the crowd starts chanting Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, over and over again.)
Jerry: Thanks, thank you. Boy, have we got a show for you today. Today's guests say they are fed up with their lovers and they are leaving them for, the (pauses slightly) the undead. Meet my first guest, Willow. Willow says she is tired of her girlfriend Tara, constantly ignoring her. Is this right Willow?
Willow: Hi Jerry, and yes it is.
Jerry: What do you mean ignores you? What sort of things?
Willow: Well Jerry, this is my first female experience, and at the beginning it was good. We did spells, hung out, general couple things, but now, I get back from a class and all she does is watch tv. We never do anything, I'm sick of it, and I've found someone else.
(Audience cheers, there are a few boo's.)
Jerry: alright, well, bring out Tara.
(Tara walks out and the crowd cheers, Willow and Tara kiss, they sit down next to each other.)
Tara: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Hi, so, how long have you and Willow been together?
Tara: not long, maybe six months.
Jerry: Willow tells us this was her first female experience, was it yours too?
Tara: No, but its been the best so far.
Jerry: Alright, well Willow, go ahead.
Willow: well, Tara, you know I love you, but I have something to tell you, for the past month I've been sleeping with somebody else.
(Tara pushes her chair away from Willow and stands up.)
Tara: you've been cheating on me, with who? Do I know him? Jerry bring ‘em out.
Jerry: Alright bring ‘em out.
(The crowd starts cheering, then Spike comes walking out, the crowd gets even louder. Spike walks over to Willow and kisses her. He then takes a seat next to her, there are a few cat calls from the females in the audience. )
Jerry: Welcome Spike, so you have known Willow how long?
Spike: Could somebody turn those bloody lights down, I am a vampire you know, I don't fancy getting a tan alright. I've known Red here for about three years.
(The lights in the studio dim)
Jerry: and what made you start sleeping with her?
Spike: You know I don't think that's any of your bloody business.
Jerry: well, you did agree to come on the show, the audience needs to know the facts.
Spike: I don't give a bloody damn what your farm folk audience wants to know. Its my business and I don't care like telling you.
Willow: Jerry, I tell you how it happened, at the beginning of last year Spike was captured by the government and was implanted with a chip in his head that, well neuters him, so to speak. There had always been something between us, we just never acted on it, basically because he was a crazed killer.
Spike: I sure was, no one could stop me not even the damn slayer.
Willow: Spike what have we talked about?
Spike: not to talk bad about Buffy.
Willow: Anyways, after my boyfriend left me, Spike tried to kill me, but since he had the chip in his head he couldn't. It gives him these really bad headaches if he tries to hurt people. So, Giles, locked Spike in his bathroom. Eventually we let Spike go, but he came crawling back like usual. Well, one day last month, Tara and I had got into a fight and he was there for me, and well, one thing turned to the next, and here we are today.
Jerry: You also have something to tell Spike.
Willow: Yes I do, um Spike, I don't know how, but I'm pregnant with you child.
Spike: How, I'm all dried up, have been for a while.
Jerry: Willow, is there anyone else you have been with?
Willow: Well, there was Giles, Jonathan, Oz, Hank, most of the Initiative, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, um, I really can't think of the rest.
Spike: Bloody hell, Giles? That old bloke? Didn't see that one coming.
Jerry: You slept with the President and the Vice president?
Willow: Only once, how else was I going to get my summer internship? Grades, yeah, that'll happen.
Jerry: But it says here you have a 4.0 GPA.
Willow: yeah, so, they like stupid girls, why else do you think Bill had "relations" with Monica, she's as dumb as a piece of wood.
Jerry: we have someone else who adds to this story, Drusilla come on out.
( Drusilla comes stalking out, Spike becomes even whiter then before, Drusilla goes after Willow, Steve runs up on stage and Dru throws him into the audience, Tara gets up and runs at Spike with the chair of her leg, imitating the Xeena cry.)Everyone calm down, NOW!!!!
Drusilla: You've been a very naughty boy, Jerry, I saw what you were doing with your self in the dressing room....
Jerry: You stupid bi---(Jerry is cut off when Drusilla runs off the stage and snaps his neck. The audience starts running around, setting things on fire.)
Spike:(sits in Jerry's final thought seat) Well, let's see here, my final thought, don't get involved with the women of Sunnydale, California, they are bad news.
(Tara comes up behind Spike and rips down the picture behind him and smashes it over his head. Willow and Drusilla are still going at it, and a number of people lay on the floor bleeding.)
The End
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