A Modest Proposal: A Solution To Immorality

The last half-century of the United States’ existence has seen the morals of American citizens plummet. The heroic deeds and patriotism of the World War II era is over. America is on its way to a society of primitive savages.

But this all can be terminated! Yes, America CAN be a respectable nation again. This can all occur by following my plan, the right way to do things.

My proposal to cleanse America is one of good, old-fashioned Christian ethics. All individuality will be dismissed. It only breeds intelligence, and God knows we don’t want that!

Now, everyone would agree that you can’t be civilized and refined without being a perfect, angelic, bible-toting Christian. I want the rules of God enforced to a T. Every single human in America and all of its territories must attend service each day for approximately, but no less than, four (4) hours. And it must be a Christian church too! All Buddhist, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, and Satanic churches will be burned to the ground in the name of the Almighty.

Second, it is alsolutely necessary that you give an absurd amount of money to the church. Remember, God can’t help you if you don’t help him. He needs money, plain and simple. And LOTS of it! Bushels of it, I tell you! More than he can shake a stick at! In lieu of the previous paltry standard of ten percent a week, I propose 75-80%. But your money won’t go to waste. When you’re in God’s hands, everything will be a-ok. And when you see the local pastor in a three-story house driving a hoard of vulnerable pre-teen boys in one of his Rolls-Royces, don’t complain! Just blindly accept it, I promise you’ll be happy.

We next need to focus on one of Satan’s creations, drugs and alcohol. All illegal drugs and prescribed ones as well will be confiscated. Anyone caught with these illegal substances will be imprisoned for a minimum of 20 years. A half-hourly search will be done to each home for drugs and alcohol. These searches will provide jobs for the unemployed.

The mass media will change as well. No television program, motion picture or music will be able to have any sexual suggestions, violence, foul language, or anti-establishment messages. All previous movies will be banished. For example, Gone With The Wind will be destroyed because there are far too many sexual references as well as naughty words. And you can forget about watching It’s A Wonderful Life at Christmas time. We certainly don’t want our children influenced by the suicidal George Bailey and a scantily-clad Donna Reed. The only movies that will be shown are The Ten Commandments and Ben-Hur.

Violence is another terrible problem in today’s society. No handguns will be sold from now on. All kitchen knives, razorblades, shoelaces, rope, bottles of bleach, roach-poison, pens and pencils will also be confiscated. We can’t have people killing other people in our society. We also can’t have people killing animals either. Animal rights activists will be enthused when the entire country turns vegan. NO MEAT WILL BE ALLOWED! Not even seafood. And speaking of violence and animals, we must domesticate EVERY single wild animal in an attempt to reduce the savage killings amongst animals. A person not familiar with American culture will be delighted to find the average American family with dogs, cats, monkeys, tigers, armadillos, foxes, whales, seals, and bats in their home.

Now, isn’t that how you want to live your life in the land of the free and the home of the brave? Who could ask for more in a Christian, vegan, non-violent, animal-loving, picture-perfect, Leave It To Beaver society? I know that’s what I want out of life.