1. Manipulation powers-tell people what they want to hear
2. You must be willing to die for a large group of people and for a noble cause
3. You must be a leader, not a follower
4. It is a good idea to be over 5 feet tall-people don’t like diminutive leaders, you must appear larger than life
5. You must set high goals, and be intolerant of those who don’t follow you
6. Don’t advertise the fact that you plan on being God-if you are the Lord, people should know*
7. You must lead your herd to religious and spiritual freedom, and must be willing to fight for it
8. You have to have a cool name-none of this John Smith stuff
9. You can’t talk like everyone else-no one likes a God who says things like “ain’t” and “ya’ll”
10. It’s a good idea to be fairly creative and intelligent
Gods don’t have to have formal education, but must be able to communicate in an intelligent conversation. Beginner Gods make up to $50,000 a year. Veteran Lords such as Christ and Allah have earned up to $500,000 but that was in the 1950’s, and the religions have died down somewhat since.
Most novice lords go to an institute called The National Institute for Future Lords and Saviors of The World (NIFLSTW) founded in 29 B.C. There they learn what it’s like to be a God, interview current Gods and go through weekly drills where they are put in charge of a clan of people. After 10 years, they usually earn their God Degree, and are assigned to a group of religiously oppressed humans in a third-world country. If they pass the initial test, their clan grows and eventually they reach the Godliness of the likes of Christ, Allah, Buddha.
There is a high demand for Godship. In 784 A.D., over 60 young men applied to NIFLSTW, but under 5 succeeded.
I chose to shadow Jesus H. Christ because I wanted to learn more about the daily activity of The Christian God, and because he offered to “show me his crib”. The results were stunning.
The following activities took place on December 25, 1998, Jesus Harold Christ’s birthday. Some of the dialog has been paraphrased as a result of foul language used by Mr. Christ. The unedited version involves much suggestive language as well as intermittent profanity and will be made available if so desired.
*taken from The Devil’s Notebook, by Anton LaVey.
I arrive at the pearly gates around 11 A.M. Peter asked for six pieces of identification: birth certificate, photo I.D., blood test, urine sample, fingerprints, and a permission slip signed by Jesus Christ. When I finally entered, Jesus was sitting in a rocking chair filing his nails.
11:30 A.M.: Jesus shows me around Heaven. He watches the world through television monitors and has a computer look up people he wants to search. The TV’s are Zenith 32” models with a color picture, close-caption and a sleep timer.
12:00 P.M.: I notice a boatload of videotapes in Jesus’ garage. He explains to me they are past videos of people as well as three episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies and the last six Super Bowls.
12:30 P.M.: We play a 3-on-3 game of basketball with Jesus, Moses, and Peter on one team and Lucifer, Ezekial and I on the other. Jesus’ team wins by a score of 31-29 in a 10 minutes timed game. Jesus made a last-second layup to win the game. I felt it should have been called an offensive foul, but when you oppose the Lord, you’re not likely going to get your way.
1:00 P.M.: We prepare for Jesus’ birthday party. Moses and I bake a large chocolate cake, with 1998 candles on top. Noah and Abraham brought the beer. Ezekial brought the chips and dip. Everyone else came with a dessert.
2:00 P.M.: Moses and I talk for a while, turns out he hates Jesus. In fact, he called him a cocky SOB. But when J-Dog walked in, we had to shut up really quick. We pranked-called Matthew and Luke and got a real kick out of that. Moses is such a jokester. I did, however notice some friction between Noah and Moses.
3:00 P.M.: The party starts. I was wondering what Jesus wished for when he blew out the candles-he has everything already, and whatever he wants he can just create. I saw the wishing part pointless.
4:00 P.M.: Jesus is completely wasted by this point. He keeps telling the same story over and over. Something about, “I died for your sins,” again and again and again. You should’ve seen when he tried to walk to the bathroom. Ezekial and I had to help him to the door.
5:00 P.M.: We all play Truth or Dare. Jesus was really good at it. He knew the truth part already, so we had to keep guessing “dare”.
5:30 P.M.: Noah and Moses get into a knock-down-drag-out brawl to which Jesus responded by chanting “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” It was so immature but God was it funny!
6:00 P.M.: I had to leave. Jesus thanked me for coming over and I told him I had a great time.
Overall, I had a great time. Jesus is a real party animal. It was nothing like what I had expected. I’d be interested in obtaining a job like savior one day. The job isnt for everyone, though. I am so glad I went to see Jesus. Although I had a great time, I was also disgusted by the fact that that man is manipulating people. He’s a great guy to hang out with, but he does a sloppy job as Lord.
NNM: So, Jesus, how did you get interested in a job like savior?
Jesus Christ: Well, I always had a thing for saving people, so it seemed like the right field for me.
NNM: How did you land such a job Jese?
JC: Actually it was the damndest thing. See, I had led this cult, kinda like Charlie Manson, and next thing y’know these guys want to crucify me. And when they finally did, my peeps started to call me God. And I was like, “Go for it, dude. Rock on!” Now, I’m really glad I’m God. It has a lot of advantages.
NNM: What kind of advantages?
JC: Well, you get a lot of respect, and you couldn’t ask for better job security. It’s highly unlikely that I’ll lose my job. There was two instances where I was afraid: Napolean and Hitler’s rise to power. But I survived those, so I’m ok.
NNM: Let’s talk about your upbringing. What kind of home did you grow up in?
JC: I lived in Bethlehem up until last year, when I moved to Los Angeles. I went to school at Bethlehem High School, graduated Class of 18. After that, I went to the University of Miami-Go Hurricane!-but dropped out after I lost my scholarship due to a frat party incident that I don’t want to discuss. Then I got my first job as a cashier at Burger King.
NNM: Interesting. Well, you certainly worked hard for your position in the world. What kind of salary do you make for being God?
JC: Last year I cleared 200,000. I was royally pissed too. I thought that I should make at least 500,000. It’s not an easy job at all.
NNM: Give me a brief description of what you do as Lord.
JC: I do a lot of stuff, I usually start the day off by eating a hash brown with glass of orange juice. Then I watch my monitors for a little while. I will more than likely at some point play a practical joke on Moses. I love spying on people though. Especially when they’re in the middle of committing one of the seven sins. It’s great entertainment! Oh, the best part is when they pray to me-Man does that make me feel important!
NNM: What kind of skills are needed for this job?
JC: No real skills, other than manipulation powers. Think about it, I got millions of people praying to me, and giving me money too. Ain’t life great?
NNM: Well I have to tell you, Jesus-
JC: All my friends call me J-Dog!
NNM: Ok, then J-Dog, I want to thank you for a nice tour of heaven.
JC: No problem fella, you’re coming to my birthday party, right?
NNM: Of course.
JC: Cool. We’re gonna PARTY!!